Women Who Have Higher Sex Drives

Several women have asked me about a situation where they have higher sex drives than their husbands. Since I have never experienced this, I wasn't sure how to mentor them. Thejoyfilledwife had this problem in her marriage and gave a wonderful comment on one of my posts. So if any of you struggle with this issue, this should be able to help you.

If there's anyone on this board who can relate to the subject you're asking about, it's me. To put it plainly, I have an unusually high sex drive for a woman. My husband is a bit older than I am, and he has a naturally high sex drive as well, but I am even higher than he is. Maybe twice over. And this is not a result of exposure to anything or a byproduct of promiscuity. I was a virgin when we married and was not exposed to all of the garbage that most people are growing up with. It's just the way I'm wired. To add to it all, my husband is most desirous in the early morning and I'm most tired at that time, especially if I've been up several times that night with our little one and their night terrors. I do best in the afternoon and especially evening. He is usually busy in the afternoon and is very tired by nighttime. Our energy and desire levels are almost never matching at the same time, but that's usually the case in marriages.

As you probably know, my husband had a former porn addiction. He also was very promiscuous prior to becoming a believer. Once he was saved, he was not with anyone sexually until our wedding night, but his porn addiction was growing behind the scenes. 

You can imagine how hard it was for me having to deal with his lack of interest in sex, especially being that I already had a higher sex drive than him. When you desire intimacy twice a day and are denied sexually for up to a month at a time...to say that it was hard to deal with would be an understatement. In order to cope with this, while at the same time trying to "win him without a word"...every night, after my husband fell asleep, I would work out hard in the next room to release as much of that energy as possible. Then I would spend hours in the Word and prayer so that I would not fall into temptation.

This post makes no claims that women are never on the other side of this issue. However, because 80% of the time it's the men being denied sexually, it's an important topic that needs to be discussed. I'll share a couple of my suggestions here from my own experience.

1. My first question is how often are you and your husband having sex? Every man's sex drive is different and I don't think I've ever come across a married couple whose sex drive was identical. Some men like to have sex every day, some a few times a week, some once a week. If a husband is going longer than that without wanting it {and provided he's not getting up there in years}, then there may be something up. Are you asking him for it and he's refusing? Or are you not asking him for it, but he's only initiating infrequently? 

2. Secondly, there is a myriad of reasons that a husband may not be wanting sex very often. You named many of them, such as porn use, medical issue, E.D., and the like. Some of the biggest contributors are stress, depression, or tension in the relationship, such as a husband feeling very disrespected by his wife. He may not even say that he feels disrespected, and some men don't even pinpoint it, but it can make them feel a lack of desire toward her. Could this be the case in your marriage? We should always examine our hearts and be willing to ask our husbands if we could be treating them better and how. 

Also, as sensitive a subject as it may be, I also encourage wives to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Shower, dress up a little nicer, do your hair, and put on a little makeup before your husband comes home from work. If you haven't been taking care of your body by eating right and exercising, start doing that daily. Most husbands don't care if their wives don't look like supermodels. They just want to know that they are trying their best to be attractive to them. This, coupled with being more flirtatious, respectful, and fun, will usually go a long way. 

3. If your husband is a believer and he is denying you intimacy, appeal to him from a Biblical perspective in a respectful way. If he is not a believer, appeal to him as your husband. Tell him your desires and need for closeness. Use descriptive words to let him know how much you want to be close to him. Say it respectfully and tell him how hard it is for you when you aren't regularly intimate...that you don't want to have a wandering mind and desire that all of your affections and desires be aimed at, and fulfilled, by him alone. Make sure you are respectful in your delivery because, sometimes, men have physical issues that they are embarrassed about and they are too ashamed to articulate them. 

4. If your husband is not a believer and refuses to have sex with you...along with all of my suggestions above, I am going to recommend that you develop some of the habits that I did when my husband denied me regularly. When you are feeling sad or rejected, go into the other room and workout hard. Do cardio and strength training. Get your body moving and expel energy. This can do a world of good for your mood and for releasing what is built up. Secondly, and most importantly, pray, pray, pray, and spend time in the Word. Seek the Lord's help...ask Him to draw near to you, to fill the void you feel, and to help you become more like Christ. Pray for your husband's salvation. 

There is not a one-size-fits-all answer for every scenario, but my final recommendation will help, no matter the reasons for the disconnect. Please know that I truly know how it feels. I cried myself to sleep many nights as I dealt with this same void in my relationship with my husband. Praise be to God, He is able to heal! Once my husband began to overcome his addiction, things completely turned around in this area. Now, just as I had been an example to him by never refusing him, he now will often ask me if I need him intimately at that moment, even though I can tell he is extremely tired. We reap what we sow, dear sister. Don't lose hope. God is truly able to heal even the most neglected marriages. 

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: 

for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Galatians 6:7

Does Your Home Contain Wickedness?

Pornography is wicked. Those who make it are wicked. They abuse women and men for money. They infiltrate homes with their wickedness destroying families. The curse of the Lord is in and on the house of the wicked, but He declares blessed {joyful and favored with blessings} the home of the just and consistently righteous. {Proverbs 3:33}

Recently, thejoyfilledwife shared her husband's addiction to pornography. During the time of his addiction and the wickedness infiltrating their home, they almost lost everything they owned. They went through a time of not even knowing where their next meal was going to come from. At the bottom of the pit, her husband repented and has never looked at porn since. The Lord completely released him from his bondage to porn and freed him to walk in purity.

Their lives completely turned around. The Lord blessed them in every way. Their business is exploding. Their marriage is strong and happy. Their children are healthy and bring joy to their lives. God blessed them as soon as the wickedness left their home.

Oh, you're one of those who teach the prosperity gospel! No, I am teaching a promise of God. His blessings may be material blessings. They may be a happy marriage. They may be your needs being met in mysterious ways. They may be peace and joy. They may be anything but I believe God and I believe He keeps His promises.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap {Galatians 6:7}. If you sow wickedness, you reap wickedness. If you sow goodness, you reap goodness. It is as simple as that. Maybe you can show your sons this post. Maybe, even your husband, if he is open to it. Just remember, if you are an unsubmissive, controlling, and complaining wife, it is just as destructive and as wicked as pornography so first remove the log out of your own eye before you attempt to remove the speck {I would add a very large speck} out of your husband's eye!

Leaving the Activity Filled Lifestyle

If you want to be a keeper at home, one of the first things you need to do is step back and honestly evaluate where you might be giving away too much of your time and energy. If the various activities and commitments in your life are leaving you too worn out to meet the needs of your husband, children and home, then something has got to go. Obviously, it's not going to be the husband, children and home!

Take a good look at your calendar. how many hours will you be away from home in a typical week? Can you remember the last time you spent at least two consecutive days at home? Are you cheerful every time you pack up the kids, walk out the door and head off to the next meeting, lesson, outing, appointment, practice, etc.? Are your kids happy? Or, do you look at your busy calendar with dread and are your kids crabby and cranky when you are out so much? Do you manage to keep your house in a reasonable state of order? Does your family sit together around the dinner table more than two times a year? Does your husband get enough of your time and attention?

These are all questions I stopped to ask myself many years ago because I was burned out and frustrated and I needed answers. I decided to take a hard look at what the bible teaches about women. What I found was a portrait of quiet, humble commitment to excellence in domestic life. I finally admitted to myself, my God and my peers that I really didn't enjoy involving myself in dozens of outside activities. I realized that I needed to be home most of the time if I wanted to aspire to that biblical ideal.

And so, I began to disconnect from the activity-filled lifestyle which was modeled all around me. I had no idea up until that point the depth of satisfaction waiting for me in the daily work of the "homestead" life.

I have experienced real joy in the simple act of baking a healthy dinner for my family or sweeping the floors once again. I have heard the voice of the Spirit whisper in my heart while I did nothing more than quietly hang a load of laundry on a warm spring morning. There is a deep sense of purpose and contentment in this humble work which can be found nowhere else.

In his book, The Pursuit of God, A. W. Tozer had this to say ~

The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations and a world of nervous activity which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart.

This easily describes the majority of Christian women I have known at one time or another, including myself. We seem to be prone to the "Martha Syndrome," always busily rushing about trying to live up to the expectations of others or those we load on ourselves. Truth be told, many of us are just wiped out.

This is not a life of servitude or drudgery. Nor is it about having the perfectly appointed home. If joyfully embraced, this home-centered life will lead to
freedom, peace and fulfillment. We will become the wife and mother 
we were created to be.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
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Can You Have a Joyful Marriage Being Unequally Yoked?

Once in a while, one of the women who comment on my posts will blow me away with their powerful testimony of loving their husband through difficult times. When I wrote What Happened To Cooking For Your Family?, a reader asked this question ~  

I wonder if there's an underlying emotional problem hindering many of us from caring enough to cook? I want to cook but it's not in me to cook often, and it was never an issue before {married 20+ years}. When I worked, I somehow made the time to cook. I don't work now but the marriage situation is pathetic, unfortunately {unequally yoked}. Could it be that women who happily cook for their husbands are happily married? I definitely would appreciate all the prayers I can get.  

One woman responded to this plea this way ~

I am unequally yoked myself. Wow did God have his work cut for this lady. Lol. Still working. ;) There are two books I want to encourage you to read: 1) Beloved Unbeliever and 2) Created To Be His Help Meet. Read them in that order.

The first one prepares your heart for the second one. The second one is a buttkicker, but it has changed my life. I am still working on applying things as we speak actually but it has changed my heart and my spirit in ways I can't describe!!! To the point that when we hit a pretty low low in the last year when I asked God for the words to explain my heart, I told my hubby {after he was accusing me of being unhappy with him being an unbeliever and telling me I wanted to leave, even though it was not true} that if he never comes to Christ I'm not going anywhere. That I love him and will be happy with him till the day I die.

That there was no catch. That I will choose joy no matter what choice he makes. The best part? I actually believed what I said. For years, I have tucked in my heart "when he comes to love the Lord..." But I finally gave in 100% to God and said no matter whatever he does I choose to love him. Not thinking one more thought about "how it will be one day..." 

I have come a long ways from the wife that was gonna wrestle her husband to God and make him love Jesus. All I can do is love him and yes, make dinner for him and do his laundry and that actually may be the very thing that wins him over, even if I don't live to see the day he does. Love  to you sister. The road is long and weary but we can keep going because we have Jesus!!! He will love us well!!!

She now lives I Peter 3:1-2, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation {lifestyle} of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear." She will reap beautiful fruit from the choices she is making by loving and serving her husband simply because the Lord commands her to and His ways are always best.