The Cost of Covenant Keeping Love

By Pastor John Piper

Pastor John, what hope would you offer a stressed wife, or a stressed husband, who is disappointed in their spouse, they are frustrated with their marriage, and they are now considering divorce as an escape out of the frustrations?

Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is that more pain is experienced in marriage and parenting than anywhere else in the world. This is the cost of covenant making and covenant keeping love. It cost Jesus his life to be in that kind of relationship. So I am not making light ever of the kind of pain that can be sustained in a parenting or a marriage relationship. And the first thing I would say to this woman is that the path to hope is not the path of divorce. God can rescue sinners from the disaster of a divorce, but he warns: Let us not sin that grace may abound. Planned sin is not accompanied by any promises of hope. Jesus said in Mark 10:9, What, therefore, God has joined together let not man separate. And the deepest reason for that prohibition of breaking a marriage is that marriage was created by God from the beginning as a picture or an expression of the covenant keeping love of Christ and his Church (Ephesians 5:22 and following).

So my word of hope begins with a plea. I have given it countless times to women and men. Put divorce out of your mind as a remedy. Don’t consider it. Say to yourself in the truth of Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit: "This is not an option. I am not going to pursue this. It may be forced upon me, but I am not going to pursue it." Don’t want it. Pray and work in the other direction.

You might have sinned your way into this marriage. Lots of people say: "Well, I just blew it at the front end. I made all kinds of stupid judgments about this man. I wasn’t acting in a mature, biblical way." And I say: "That is true. You may have sinned your way into this relationship, but now that you are married, this man is God’s man for you. That is an amazing truth. He is God’s choice for you. Yes, he is. No matter how you may wish that you could do it all over again. Look to Jesus as the one who satisfies in measure now and immeasurably later. Believe that the path of lost dreams in this life is the path of greatest joy overall."

Know this; Maximizing your earthly happiness is not the goal of life or marriage. Maximizing your eternal happiness is, because God said — this is really crucial, I think, of marriage. Romans 5:3 and following; Rejoice in tribulation because tribulation works patience and patience works a provenness and a provenness works hope and this hope does not disappoint. In other words, marriage may disappoint with a thousand tribulations, but hope filled obedience to God will never, never disappoint us, God says so. Hope does not disappoint. But escaping tribulation, the tribulation that obedience calls for, escaping tribulation that is not hope promised, hope filled, it is not the path to greatest hope or greatest joy. It is good and it is right to want things to change now. Oh, yes, we all do. We want things about our spouses and ourselves to change now. And I think that is why Peter wrote 1 Peter 3:1-7 for wives in particular, because these words are meant to help a woman know how to think about changing her husband, in this case an unbelieving husband. And she should pray earnestly for him and for the whole situation. That is why those verses are there. I would recommend that she pray over them long and hard. But don’t stake your greatest happiness on his change. If you do that, you will probably become demanding and nagging and angry, all of which will be self-defeating. So focus your main heart energies not on fixing his failures, but on deepening your own godly responses to those failures. That is what God expects from you. God does not hold you accountable for your husband’s sins but he does hold you accountable for the godliness of your responses to those sins.

There will be a thousand acts of grace that your husband will not reward or perhaps not even notice. And you will feel so alone in your sorrow. But hold fast to this truth. God sees in secret (Matthew 6:3, 4). God sees every tiny expression of your patience and mercy and respect. He sees them all and he writes them all. Your quiet sorrows are never wasted. You will be repaid at the last day and, perhaps, in this life more than you could ever imagine. When the decades have gone by God might work a miracle in that man and you might end in a way that you never dreamed.

And let me close with one illustration. A woman came to me one Sunday about 30 years into my ministry. I remember it so clearly. It was at our south campus. And she reminded me that when she was about to leave her husband 20 years ago she came to me and I pleaded with her: Don’t do it. And she gave me all the reasons why he was just totally unresponsive, unaffectionate, traveled all the time, didn’t pay any attention, didn’t care for the kids, every reason that he was just not there. And she told me now at this point, 20 years after that, having stayed in the marriage she said: He is building a room on our house for my mother to stay with us in her final years, which is the most wonderful, sacrificial act of love he could possibly have done for me. He had become a kind and thoughtful and very different man. And she just thanked me and said: That is what I would have been missing today.

Therefore what God has joined together let no man separate.
Mark 10:9 

Treasuring Your Home More Than Christ

Do you treasure your home more than Christ? Are the things of this world more important to you than the things of Christ? When we had four small children, we moved from north of Los Angeles to the San Diego area. We bought a new home with the money we made from our small home in LA.

I met a woman in this neighborhood who had one child and decorated her home beautifully. She invested hours and hours and a lot of money into her home. She kept it perfectly clean. I wanted to have a home like hers so I went about creating my home as close to hers as possible.

It was during this time that Ken and I argued about money. I finally asked him to give me a budget and he did. However, instead of waiting patiently for the time I could buy something new, I would buy it on “credit” and have to wait a long time to be able to pay it off with the budget I had been given. I had fallen for the trap of having a gorgeously decorated home that cost a lot of money – the America dream.

During this time, Ken was gone from home traveling half of the year and my children needed my undivided attention but I was too busy painting, shopping for, and fixing up my home. Shortly after this, I got terribly sick and could no longer fix up my home like I wanted. About nine years later, we bought another bigger home that was bright and sunny.

A few years before this, my mother-in-law had given me a book called “Margins” by Richard Swenson. Right before we moved to our second new home, I decided to read this book and it convicted me of my mad dash to decorate my home perfectly. On the day we moved to my new home, I shared with my mother-in-law that I regretted encouraging Ken to buy this home and didn’t want to spend a ton of money on this home but wanted to live contently instead. She replied, “Live simply in this home” and I have.

This home is very comfortable but not extravagantly decorated. Most of the furniture is old from my childhood and some we bought on Craigslist. We have simple window shades and very little clutter. I learned to value the people in my home more than my home itself. I later learned about being a submissive wife and began practicing this.

I made the decision that I wanted to treasure what the Lord treasured and not what this culture treasured. His treasure would become my treasure. His treasures are those that live eternally – people. Don’t waste your time having the perfect home. Yes, keep it as clean and tidy as you can but remember that the people in your home are what make your house a home and not the home itself since it often changes and will one day be destroyed for good, along with all the other lifeless things on this planet.

But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal.
Matthew 6:20

What About Working Part Time?

Women frequently ask me if it is alright for them to work part time. It's not my decision to make. It is between them and their husband but I know I never wanted to be away from my children part time and I am sure if children had a say in it, they would vote to have their mother with them full time. I wanted to be the one nurturing, disciplining, and training my children. There are also women who desperately want to stay home but are not sure how to reason respectfully with their husbands about it. Holly made this comment on my blog the other day ~

I was recently introduced to your blog and I find myself here everyday! It is such an uplifting place to come when the world tries to beat me down! Thank you for teaching the truth. I noticed Anna's comments about not going to college. I must say she was wiser than me. I went to college because that was expected of me. I didn't know what I wanted and wasted thousands! I was stuck in a job that didn't acknowledge my "education." I married young and worked part time due to my husband's wishes. After having our first child, God granted me with wisdom on how to approach my husband to allow me to stay home as working just two days per week with a child was literally harming our family. I would love to share my story somehow to hopefully help or encourage other women. Now, being a wife and mother my life is fulfilled and not a waste. We are functioning as God intended and we are so blessed; not by riches, but by each other and our family has grown larger. You're teaching and I'm learning. Please keep going!

I wrote her back and told her I would love to hear her story so she sent it to me!

There was a time I was greatly mistaken and assumed the gospel could mix with what the world whispered in my ear. So many Christian women appeared successful following the "prosperity gospel." It was a mistake to expect the Lord to shower blessings and success upon me based on a false perception of my so-called goodness and deeds. After high school I unwisely set off, wasted money on college and had no choice but to settle on a job that paid well. My husband had been a blessing from the Lord since I met him as a young girl.

My husband and I agreed I would work part-time, which was okay until I became pregnant. Imagine the heartbreak when my husband stated he needed me to work part time "just in case" because we had a mortgage and two auto loans. I felt confused because he never asked for a dime to meet payments and he already provided well. In hindsight, he lacked confidence and viewed my little income as security because he grew up with a working mother. To work I went, but only two days per week, both days working ten plus hours.

My parents joyfully watched over our son the days I worked. I lied to myself hoping for comfort. I had the best of both worlds; I worked and stayed home, therefore nobody could criticize me because I was still classified as a working mom, absent from my son minimal days per week and he was spared from a horrid daycare. If only it were that simple.

I found myself thinking of my son while at work and thinking of work while home. I was in constant mental anguish as my mind could never rest. I became impatient with waiting and pleading for my husband's permission to stay home. Impatience turned into resentment, and resentment into disrespect. After each long day, I was met at the door with questions about dinner and it became too easy to waste money on unhealthy take-out meals.

Soon everything turned into a comparison: his money, my money, his time, my time, who worked harder, who survived the roughest day, who woke up earlier and who did the most around the house. We each spoke about our day but neither one listened. I avoided making our house a home as a subconscious retaliation. I hardheartedly cleaned but no love or service went into it. The mere thought of picking up my husband's clothes off the floor or throwing away an item left on the counter was infuriating enough. I wasn't getting may way and I let my husband know it!

When my son was about eighteen months old, I had a really hard day at work. While my son napped I broke down and cried. For the first time, I told God it wasn't in me to work anymore. I didn't like who I had become and knew I was not treating the man God blessed me with right. Unlike what the women of the world told me, I didn't have it all - I was missing it all! In that moment of desperation, I was quiet enough to know what God had been trying to tell me. It's difficult to describe. God didn't speak through my heart like I assumed he would. It was in the form of a gut feeling that never left. It had always been there, so quiet, so soft; it had been far too easy to ignore. I knew then what had to be done. I had to stop being so self-centered and prideful. I had to have faith and tend to my husband's needs first and foremost.

I stayed up late into the night crunching numbers. It was astounding to discover how much it cost me to work even without daycare; I earned pennies per hour. Within the week, my son and I visited several banks. I drained my hoarded savings and paid off both auto loans. I released the small remnant of money into our joint account and under my husband's care. For a moment a feeling of helplessness and dependency overwhelmed me, but looking at my son gave me strength. We went home to wrap the loan payoff receipts inside a small gift box. It was the longest afternoon of my life waiting for my husband's arrival home. I tried not to worry as thoughts of him appreciating the gesture but still requesting me to work flashed through my mind. What would I do then?

The time came and our son gave Daddy the box. My husband chuckled thinking it was a homemade gift. He ruffled our son’s hair and opened the box. His charming smile faded and a serious look crossed his face as he studied the papers. A brief look of confusion flashed in his eyes before he stared at me with a look of shock I'll never forget.

"Why would you do this?!" He asked. He probably thought I was crazy.

I answered simply, "That's how much it means for me to stay home."

Immediately he said, "Create a budget, let me see it, then you can stay home." I already had one prepared along with the grand total of what I actually brought home per month.

I couldn't sway my husband using female antics. The tears, the pleading, the nagging, sarcasm, the storming off and guilt trips all failed. He needed facts and logic. He works with mathematics daily and required persuasion using numerical proof; something he could relate to. I also found that I must put his happiness and needs ahead of my own. Paying off the loans released him from unnecessary burdens. Working only to obtain an illusion of wealth was not worth it. I praised how hard he worked and thanked him for providing. Slowly his confidence was built up. Immediately, I set to work around the house making sure my husband would never regret allowing me to stay home.

Since I've been home, we have been blessed with another son. My husband enjoys daily home-cooked meals, a packed breakfast and lunch for work. The house is neater and we function how God intends. We have a budget and agreed to never have another auto loan, save more money and, God willing, our twenty year mortgage will be paid off in less than half the time. Homeschooling is in the near future. My husband's confidence and leadership flourishes. His love and strong arms of protection embrace us. As for me, I've come to realize the truth of God's Word. I pray for wisdom daily to continuously grow into the wife and mother my family needs.

For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments;

 and His commandments are not burdensome.

1 John 5:3

Happy, Hard-Working, Stable, Courageous, God-fearing Children

Can daycare, nannies, or the public school system produce happy, hard-working, stable, courageous, and God-fearing Children? No. It is only parents who are committed to each other and to the Lord who can produce children with all of these qualities.

How do you produce happy children? Be happy and chose joy. Don’t live in fear but find your joy in the strength of the Lord. Love your husband deeply and laugh with him. Stop trying to control him in any way and let go. Laugh with your children. Let them see that being a Christian is the best, most happy place to be. 

What about hard-working children? Work hard! Don’t allow your home to be a pigsty. Keep your home clean and tidy and teach them to help you. Don’t allow laziness and the pursuit of pleasure to define your life. If they are modeled hard-working parents and taught to work hard, they will most likely grow up to be hard-workers.

How do you make sure your children grow up to be stable? Stay home with them full time beginning when they are born. Be there for them and care for them. A mother is the best person to nurture her own children. The best way to produce stable children is by making sure they find security and comfort with you.

How are children taught to be courageous? By being taught the Word from the time they are young. Teach them about Jesus, His life, death and resurrection. Teach them who they are in Christ, that He is Sovereign over all, and always in control. They have nothing to fear since God is on their side and working in and through them. Make sure they know how it all ends so they can rest assured of their future with Him.

The way to have God-fearing children is to discipline them properly. Make sure they learn to obey you the first time you tell them to do something. As they learn to obey and respect you, they will grow up to obey and respect the Lord knowing He disciplines those He loves.

If you are a widow or have been abandoned by your husband for some reason, please don’t despair. The Lord takes care of the widows and fatherless. I have several friends who were widowed when their children were very young and all of their children have grown up to be happy, hard-working, stable, courageous, and God-fearing adults. Continue to be a godly mother who disciplines, trains, and teaches your children the Word. Pray for godly men to be in their lives. Then there is a good probability they will grow up to walk with Jesus and be godly.

All your children shall be taught by the LORD, 

and great shall be the peace of your children.

Isaiah 54:13