Monday, November 18, 2013

Comparisons Are Deadly


Ann Voskamp wrote a beautiful post lately titled The Real Truth About Boring Men.  She  wrote about her amazing husband ~  How a man proposes isn’t what makes him romantic. It’s how a man purposes to lay down his life that makes him romantic...Get it: Life - and marriage proposals - isn't about one up-manship - it's about one down-manship.  It's about the heart-boring years of sacrifice and going lower and serving. It's not about how well you perform your proposal.  It's about how well you let Christ perform your life.

She shares all the ways her husband serves her and loves her as she is aging.  It is an absolutely beautiful writing.  I loved it but after I was done reading it, all I could think of was how upset this probably made many women with their husbands.  "My husband doesn't serve me like that!"  "My husband isn't at all like Ann's.  I need to give him this post and let him see how far short he falls."

The sad thing about this is that Ann's whole mission in her writings is to encourage others to live a life of thankfulness.  However, it is so easy to compare our husbands to hers and feel that ours falls so short.  Instead, it should make us see all the things we have to be thankful about in our husbands even if we don't think they measure up to Ann's husband.

Instead of being happy for others when they are happy, we mourn for the lack in our lives.  It is so easy to be selfish instead of obeying God's command to rejoice with those who rejoice.  Her post should encourage us, as women, to serve our husbands even if we feel they fall short in serving us.

If your husband isn't like Ann's,  if you feel he is not serving you and giving you what you need, keep looking to Christ as your example.  He continued loving and serving others, even the one who betrayed him.  We are called to do the same and we can since He promises us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

If you read Ann's post, how did it make you feel:  thankful for the husband you have or discontent because he isn't like Ann's?

Not that I am speaking of being in need, 
for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
Philippians 4:11

Comments (18)

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That is a great testimony, Vicki! And thanks for posting Lori. I will need to read her blog. I was only in love once before I married my husband. The first treated me wonderfully but I took it all for granted. I constantly wanted more and always compared him to others. I was young and dumb. He was a very sweet man and loved me deeply for 2.5 years. But my discontentment finally lost him. How I wish I would've known the wisdom I seek now then. But God had a bigger plan. I struggle daily with my own husband who isn't romantic in the least, is not emotionally expressive, but he does have many assets or else I wouldn't have married him. He has treated me horribly in ways my first love would never have when thought to do not was it in his nature. But I know there's a purpose. Lori's blog is a huge tool in keeping our marriage together. And lesson learned, I will never ever ever take anything for granted and I will never compare marriages. I have learned the ones you envy the most mean you are not focusing enough on what you do have. God bless.
I read a book a few years ago called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough". It was all about how the author is 41 and single and suddenly realized that it was her inflated sense of entitlement that caused her to reject so many reasonable good men. Now she looks at her friends who "settled" and married these blah men and she envies their lovely children and family life. She'd reject an interesting kind man if he wasn't at least 6 feet tall. Interesting and kind and 5'8? Pass. Interesting and kind and thinning hair? Pass. Funny and interesting but makes his good living laying tile? Pass. Now she sees that these men that she passed up 10 years ago are no longer interested in HER anymore. Why? Because they want someone younger they can have a family with. So now she is looking at a pool of older, often divorced men, and she has to reconcile that she will likely never have children. It is a really interesting book that made me shake my head with how ridiculous she was and definitely made me appreciate my "regular guy" and our beautiful little family life that we've built over the years.
Cynthia Swenson's avatar

Cynthia Swenson · 592 weeks ago

I agree with you Lori, that Ann's article was absolutely beautiful. I love your response as well; I am truly learning to appreciate the diversity in the body of Christ, & how valuable each of our unique perspectives are. God uses each one of us to bring the body as a whole, to deeper faith in Christ & more love for each other. Comparison is a deadly trap because it is totally the opposite of love. I can fall for the temptation of comparison in every single area of my life; relationships, physical looks or health, material possessions, popularity, talents ,etc. Comparison has it's root in coveting & there is a commandment against that. Well, this is getting long, so I must end by saying we are absolutely unique by God's design & He is the author of our faith & life circumstances, & Ann's message of thankfulness & contentment in all of life is much appreciated. I appreciate your message as well, Lori. We must look carefully at our attitudes. God bless you, good post! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
I definitely can see where comparisons can be the thief of joy. I love how many women are honoring their husbands on their blogs, I think that is great! But sometimes I do catch myself thinking, my sweet husband isn't handy like hers, he'll never build me a _____. Then I remember the wonderful things about mine and *try* to remember the not so wonderful things about myself. The glaring problem I see with Ann's post is that she appears to be judging these sweet proposals as "not romantic". I think they are really special! These young men haven't had a chance yet to express romance in the ways she mentions, but they are doing the best job they can for where they are. That should be encouraged in my opinion. These were the first times I saw these proposals and I kind of think she may have fallen onto the "comparisons are deadly" wagon too. Not that she was comparing and sad that her husband didn't compare, but that she compared and judged these others as less worthy and her husband as a superior romantic (which she has no real way of knowing, none of us do).
I loved Ann's article! Thank you for linking it.

It made me thankful for the husband that I have. We didn't have a flashy proposal - it was just the two of us having a deep conversation on a dock. He's not a flashy guy. His actions and his commitment, though, speak louder than any superficial gesture.

I was surprised, and a bit sad, that all you could think about was how women would think that their own husband fell short of hers. It's not a competition. I know that when I praise my husband in public, it's not for the purpose of putting other husbands down. I do it to honor my husband, but also to provide inspiration. While not every man can be the wealthiest or the most handsome, nearly every man has the capability to be a loving and committed husband, a wonderful father to any children he may have, a man of honesty and integrity, and a caring individual. I want my son to know this, so that he'll be inspired to be a great man like his father. I want my daughters to know this, so that they won't settle for less in a husband.

I know I've mentioned this before, and I understand if you don't want to comment on a very personal question, but when you say that all you could think about was how our husbands may not measure up, it makes me wonder how you see Ken now. Can you picture yourself writing a post about the simple, non-flashy things that he does which demonstrate his essence as a loving husband and father and fundamentally decent human being? How would Ken feel if you didn't just obey him, but actively honored him by highlighting his virtues in public? It may be completely unintentional on your part, but I find that when I read some of your posts, they don't give a great impression of Ken.
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
I wasn't thinking of Ken at all in this instance but I know women. I use to think this way but no longer. I no longer compare him to anyone. I simply think he's perfect for me!
I love this. It is so true. As with all things, we simply need to be happy and content with what we have! :)
What a great reminder not to compare our situations, since they are all so delicately different. I don't read Ann as her book did not resonate with me and honestly I find her too wordy, but I will try to read this one to get the full pic of what your talking about.
Great article and great reminder to keep things in perspective. Thanks you for you thoughts.
Thank you so much for linking this up to The Mommy Club - Wednesday Linky! We are so excited to get more eyeballs on your great stuff! What an important reminder this is, and one I needed to hear! Thanks!

Thanks again for linking - cant wait to see what else you link in the future!

Shannon (MilkandCuddles.com)
Cynthia Swenson's avatar

Cynthia Swenson · 592 weeks ago

I'm re-reading this after finding it on Wise Woman link up. I just read #56 Wifely Submission by Connie Hulquist & it's wonderful! Again, each member of the body of Christ has something unique & valuable to contribute. I am excited to see the Lord working here Lori! Thank you for your faithfulness to share what the Lord has taught you. Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
I read Connie's writings years ago and loved her. I was reading her when her husband died and it was so very sad.
Wonderful post ~ we are all equal ~ yet different ~ Compare yourself to no one ~ You are 'better than most and as good as the rest ~ blessings to you ~ carol,xxx
Well, I'm widowed and have been for many many years, but looking back on my years with my sweet husband, I have to say that the years we had it the hardest and were working two jobs, raising kids, struggling, were by far the happiest years of my life...
I am divorced and so praying for a new soul mate.
My Hubby isn't perfect, but he has some very unique qualities! We definitely have to learn to take each person (or option) on its own merits. This is a great post.
I used to compare my life to everyone else's and it caused my confidence to cease to exist...

Now that I am older my views have changed and I find it much easier to congratulate and cheer on other people...

Charming post for the letter "C"!

Thanks for linking.

A+

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