Thursday, November 21, 2013

Defending The Pearls


The hate being spewed out towards the Pearls and their book To Train Up A Child is difficult to watch.  Even Christian blogs are speaking evil towards them.  They say that three children have been murdered due to the teachings the Pearls advocate.  This is simply not true!

Only evil parents beat their children to death.  Here are some quotes from the book  that specifically warn against abuse ~

“Train up—not beat up. Train up—not discipline up...A child needs more than ‘obedience training’, but without first training him, discipline is insufficient” {page 4}.

“Disciplinary actions can easily become excessive and oppressive if you set aside the tool of training and depend on discipline alone to do the training” {page 9}.

“Parent, have you trained yourself not to discipline immediately but to wait until your irritation builds into anger? If so, then you have allowed anger to become your inducement to discipline” {page 25}.

“Parent, if you are having problems with your children, you can be assured that you are not alone. Your children are also having problems with you. You are going to have to make adjustments in your own life if you are going to help them with their problems... the responsibility for making a significant change is completely yours” {page 32}.

“There are always some who act in the extreme. These individuals are capable of using what has been said about the legitimate use of the rod to justify ongoing brutality to their children” {page 50}.

“The rod should never be a vent for parents’ anger. Where the supreme motivation is anything other than the child’s good, it is inevitable that such behavior by the parent will assuredly create problems” {page 51}.

Now the Pearls are being attacked on Amazon by those who want to destroy their ministry.  They are writing horrible things about them and trying to have Amazon remove their book.  The Pearls have asked those who support them to give a good review of their book to fight evil with good.  If you feel led, please go HERE and give them five stars.

Here is their message they sent out to their supporters ~


Please do not engage in an online debate via the Amazon comment pages. The vast majority of these people have already made up their minds based on false information that agrees with their own preconceived ideas. They are resistant to the truth that challenges their prejudices. “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him” (Proverbs 26:4).


If you read those opposed to the Pearls, you can see the sheer hatred they have for them which is clearly not from God!   We raised our children the way they teach.  We rarely had to spank our children because they learned very early that what we said is what we meant.  The Bible admonishes us to use the rod.  It worked for us and for many others who use it in a proper way.

The Pearls main mission in life is to spread the Gospel to all the ends of the earth.  We, as believers, ought to do everything we can to pray for and support ministries who do this even if we don't agree with them 100%.  Ultimately, they rest in the wonderful fact that GOD is their protector!



Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, 

but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Proverbs 22:15

***I am not sure writing a positive review on Amazon is going to help much.  Since their email went out, their attacks have gotten much more numerous and vicious.  It is a spiritual warfare and our God is much stronger than them.  He will fight this battle for them.  Keep them in your prayers.

HERE is a wonderful youtube of the Pearl family explaining the way they raised their children and what the children thought of it.  Very good!

Comments (45)

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Amen! I am SO GLAD to see someone brave enough to stick up for them!! Their ministry is amazing. We have met them twice, and they are the nicest people you'll ever meet. We love their books.
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
I don't know anything about this book, but from what you have printed, sounds like logical reasoning. Let me tell you my story. My youngest son was attacking and biting my oldest son. Testing suspected autism (not talking, no interaction with people, more on the list), I had three home therapists and one group therapy for him every week (4 1/2 hours/week), which didn't help with his behavior. Our church had a parenting seminar that advocated dads, not moms, disciplining, spanking if needed. My husband woke up to our condition (I spent my days being a barrier between the boys), three times spanked the youngest, and BOOM, it was over. No more biting, more playing, more laughter, wonderful. The therapists didn't think spanking was a good idea, and didn't think it will help long term. I told them that the biting needed to stop yesterday, and now, they can do what they are here to do. When the time came for him to go to preschool for therapy, the lead therapist admitted that they were surprised by how far he came, and that maybe spanking has a place. I explained that most people don't know how to properly use spanking (obviously, PhD child therapist included), because they let things boil out of control. By that time, no one will be nice. Timing, control, and adjusting for the child are key. To this day, my youngest gets compliments on how well behaved he is, as do my other two.
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
I read the book, and tried to follow it, which did not work for our family. I would never accuse the Pearls of advocating child abuse, however. I do not remember anything in the book advocating harming the children. The discipline was to be done in love, and if you are doing it in love, you could never go to the point of injuring or especially killing the child! We were spanked as children, but were never abused. I stopped trying to spank my children because it seemed to be having no effect on their behavior, only breeding resentment. Maybe I started too late in their lives. But anyone who can accuse a book of making people kill is copping out. People have the ability to choose how they will behave. No one can legitimately blame someone else for their own behavior, especially when they have never met the person! And this is a free country. We have freedom of speech, which means that we are allowed to write anything we want. If people don't want to read it, they don't have to!
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
Reading again your post, I focused on the third italic paragraph. Let me tell you about my oldest son. He would not stop running in parking lots, no matter what discipline method we used. I read many books, and talked to anyone to try to understand the problem. In one (bad) book, one nugget stayed with me. When boys get stressed, their testosterone rises, which causes aggression, which causes stress, which causes testosterone to rise, etc. After watching my son run in a parking lot, an idea hit me like a lighting bolt; he may be caught in this loop, so is the danger of running in parking lots sinking in? I took him to the bathroom for privacy, calmed him down, explained why he can't run, had him repeat things word for word to me (this was difficult for him, and latter pointed to a learning disability, which has been countered), role played. That weekend, in a parking lot, next to a tall truck, I explain how I can be seen, but not him, which is why he is to be by my side. Light bulbs went on, and no more running. I disciplined him differently from my youngest, using the Supernanny's method (she was on tv); he sits down (diffuse), explain wrong behavior (word for word), explain right behavior (role play), punishment (depending on severity). I kept an eye open for good behavior and praised him. After 6 years, all this is an afterthought. I have some who think I'm crazy for advocating spanking, but they can't deny the walking results. I try to have them think about discipline as a toolbox; the more tools in it, the more equipped you are to handle the situation. After entering the autistic world, I don't think there is one foolproof method, and most are trying to find the golden fleece. A combination of methods, time, energy, blood, sweat, and tears produces results.
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
Kimberly in NC's avatar

Kimberly in NC · 592 weeks ago

I'm not trying to make anyone mad, but just out of curiosity, how do those who oppose spanking take Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him....?
3 replies · active 592 weeks ago
I will delete any comments that are critical of the Pearls. You can do that many other places on the Internet but not here. I love their teachings. Do I agree with them 100%? No, I don't agree with anyone 100% except God and His Word. What they teach is good and biblical. It has changed my life and marriage. If you don't like them, don't read them but you may not criticize them on my blog. Thank you!
3 replies · active 592 weeks ago
"I will delete any comments that are critical of the Pearls. You can do that many other places on the Internet but not here. I love their teachings. Do I agree with them 100%? No, I don't agree with anyone 100% except God and His Word. What they teach is good and biblical. It has changed my life and marriage. If you don't like them, don't read them but you may not criticize them on my blog. Thank you!"

Because it bears repeating: Either close comments altogether or ALLOW them all. Choosing only to publish those comments that support your position is dishonest and cowardly. When you post something controversial, then opposing viewpoints are sure to follow. If you can't defend what you believe, then you must not be very confident in those beliefs.
4 replies · active 592 weeks ago
I'm glad that you found their marriage advice helped your situation, but there are specific details in To Train Up a Child which are not contained in Proverbs.

Any book may contain someone's interpretation and application of a Biblical verse, but we need to keep in mind that only the Bible is the Bible.

It's also important to keep in mind with anything that we write that words can be interpreted differently by different people. It's quite possible that the Pearls had one thing in mind when they wrote the book, and were picturing how they raised their own children. The problem, though, is that when you write a book and have others read it, you don't know who your future readers are. They may bring their own background, their own personality, their own circumstances and their own children into the mix, and get something out of your words that are very different from what was intended.

The deaths that are being linked to this book all involved children who were adopted at an older age. There are unique challenges that come with older child adoption: the child has life experiences prior to entering your home, the child may have experienced past trauma, and you need to build a family relationship between people are pretty much strangers to each other. From what I've read, the Pearls never intended for this book to be used for older adopted children.
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
Lori, do you think spanking is really necessary, or do you think there are other ways of raising children correctly without using physical punishments? Does it depend on the child? (I'm sincerely asking this - not being snarky, by the way. :))

My six year old has never needed to be disciplined that much. He is just a very eager to please, well behaved child naturally. I think I spanked him once when he was 2 and tried to open the oven while it was hot. He is in school now and his teacher tells me he is a dream student, so well behaved and respectful.
My second child's love language is physical touch. She needs so much physical love and affection to have her "bucket" filled. When we have spanked her, it shatters her. It doesn't teach her anything because she's so completely distraught. Other discipline methods have worked well with her. (sending her to her room, etc)
My youngest is two and honestly just naturally obeys me. She's such a sweet spirit. That may change but honestly, she's an angel and I've never had to discipline her beyond saying "no, no."

I guess what I'm getting at is this: I've never felt the need to spank my kids in order to teach them or get them to obey. Do the Pearls teach that it is always necessary?
3 replies · active 592 weeks ago
Kimberly in NC's avatar

Kimberly in NC · 592 weeks ago

I think that if I am raising my children the way God wants me to and disciplining them the way He would want me to (Bible-based), then I am doing what I should be doing. There may be others who feel that God is telling them to discipline differently than I am to teach their children to be respectful and behaved. I don't think God wants us to judge each other. However, I think we can all agree that child abuse is a terrible thing. Both the parents that physically harm/beat their children and the ones that neglect discipline (or don't use effective discipline) so that their children have no respect for authority and end up in trouble are not parenting the way God instructs. May God bless the parents who are doing their best to train up the children that He entrusted to them even when the world is constantly condemning them.
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
Hi Lori. I have not read any of the Pearls' books but have heard of them many times. I sincerely believe in using the rod of correction. I understand why this is so opposed nowadays- because it is hard on the parents too! It takes great sacrifice on my behalf to do what is best for my child, and it makes me sad knowing that I must spank when necessary.

All of that being said, I looked up Michael Pearl on Wikipedia after you had wrote this and it states that they recommend spanking as well as withholding food and cold baths. Are the last two ideas in the book? If so, I am surprised that they would include something unbiblical with something biblical. Is there more to it than that? Do they have a reason for these types of discipline rather than spanking? Hearing that they recommend these types of punishments as well seems cruel but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I would be interested in your response if you are able or want to respond. Thanks Shannon
4 replies · active 592 weeks ago
I'm not going to debate spanking as a form of discipline. It's been done here and on other websites, blogs, etc. I read most of the reviews on Amazon. Yes, some reviewers were hateful, but many negative reviews, were just that negative reviews. There is nothing wrong with reading a book and giving your opinion of it. It stands to reason, that the Pearls, being controversial, are going to get strong push back. It goes with the territory of selling a book on Amazon. Danielle Steel, a well known author also gets both positive and negative reviews. And yes, some people write hateful things about her writing. I don't know how I feel about the petition launched to get Amazon to remove their book. In one way, I hate censorship in any form, but again people are allowed to launch petitions. I guess the decision rest with Amazon. They ultimately decide what to sell and what not to sell. I haven't heard of too many items being banned on Amazon, so we shall see.
As parents, the primary gift we give to our children is love, and the second should be teaching discipline. For that matter, love without discipline is not really love at all, as it seeks short term affections over potential long term harm.

Tough discipline parents often raise the most successful of children who go out to become the doctors, lawyers and tycoons of this world. It is in learning discipline from parents that we learned how to discipline our own fleshly desires and how to fit within the rules of society while achieving great things.

Tell me who is not under strict discipline? If you work for a company you have strict rules to follow, certain hours to arrive, certain days to work, certain goals to achieve and most certainly a strict discipline as to how you treat your customers and fellow workers.

If you function in society, you cannot barge into a restaurant and demand that you get a table before others who have been waiting, or same for a doctor’s office. If you drive on the roads you must adhere to strict rules or face harsh punishments. If you harm a fellow citizen you must pay for your crime.

I am sure few disagree that discipline is mandatory training for our children. What we may disagree about is how this is accomplished. Some of us have found that mild corporal punishment meted out in love and in a timely manner is one of the most effective ways to train our children and that there will be consequences to not following the healthy pre-established rules of the family.

If you disagree with giving a 6 month old a small amount of pain to get them to understand that they cannot crawl up the stairs that will hurt them, or put their fingers into wall sockets, then don’t do it. Be a parents who has to chase down their child all day, put everything breakable away, have them bite you, have them kick and scream at you while you sit there patiently trying to explain to a two year old how wrong they are being. You are either a saint for such great parenting with lots of extra time on your hands, or you are wasting your time and energy instead of taking the most efficient and effect approach which the child will not remember past age three if done correctly. Either way, we who do use corporal punishment do not care how you raise your children, and more power to you if you think you can raise godly kids while chasing them around as teenagers.

But please, leave some room for differences in how we as parents who believe in giving swats to our kids and raise our children with a time tested and proven to be effective method. Don’t start quoting from your psychology journals on how harmed kids are from spankings, because I have read them and do not believe it at all. It is no more than one more liberal showing their bias against God’s time tested methods of raising godly kids. Besides that, there were five health kids raised in my family with no ill effects from spankings, and I have now raised four of my own who are very healthy psychologically. More so I believe because we indeed did teach them discipline at a young age.

If you want to say that spankings need to be done in a very modest manner, never leaving a mark, then that fine… and exactly what the Pearls teach. No one who has actually read their books can say any different, but certainly we all can be quoted out of context to make us appear to say something we never intended.

So allow some room for a parent to be free to train up their child in discipline in a manner keeping with what they know to be true. You are welcome to take the long road to getting your kids to be disciplined, and to suffer the pain and excess time to do so. But for the Alexanders, we believe God at His Word and realize that a bit of pain applied at the right spot and the right time gets children to realize there are consequences to being selfish, mean, difficult, strong-willed and non-compliant, especially when we are dealing with the issue of the will.

I will leave you with one quote from my father that I heard him say many times to those who always complimented him on how well his five children were behaved even as we had to sit quietly through two or three sermons that day. He would say,

“Thank you. My children learned early on that Daddy and Mommy would always win, so they have always been a well behaved joy in our lives.”
so you won't print anyone who disagrees with you? Interesting....
1 reply · active 592 weeks ago
'Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes, He only does it to annoy because he knows it teases.'
While I believe in spanking, I do not agree with everything the Pearls write. But I do know this. They DO NOT condone spanking children when angry. I also read where they said it is better to not correct your children AT ALL, if you cannot correct your children without getting angry. (I don't even think they were necessarily speaking of spanking here). It is nonsensical to blame their book for these heinous crimes.

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