Ken and I have been married almost 33 years. Maybe I read a book on sex right after we got married. I can't remember it having any lasting impact on my sexual life. I have skimmed some books written by Christian authors but my question is, do we really need one? Did all the couples in the olden days have poor sex lives because they didn't have sex books or manuals?
I asked this question on my facebook page and Angela, one of my readers, wrote this ~
Lori's, it's funny you should ask. There is indeed a book that has helped improve the sex in a marriage. It's called the bible. To be specific, 1st Corinthians 7:4. It's as follows, Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me. It is not good for a man to touch a woman...nevertheless because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his own wife the affection due her and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. And likewise the husband does not have power over his body but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer: and come together again so that Satan tempts you not because of your lack of self-control.
I have to agree with her. I don't read sex books. Ken and I have learned together what works and what doesn't work. We try to please each other. We don't deprive each other. We don't use sex to manipulate the other one. We are happy!
Angela gave great advice. Sure, if you are having problems in the sex department, I think it is fine to seek out the advice of others but for me, books on sex never did much for me. Once I really learned true biblical submission and how to please my husband, everything else just fell naturally into place. This was the secret to me.
When the Bible tells older women to teach young women to love their husbands, a large part of loving your husband is giving frequent sex. I do teach this but I am not about to teach details. I feel like this is something that can be easily learned by two people who love each other and want to please each other. We are all so different and we all have personal preferences. Time and experience is what gives a good sex life to couples.
Coconut oil is a great lubricant! It kills bacteria and has no chemicals. So I guess recommending this, not depriving your husband, and learning what pleases him are the only things I will recommend. In conclusion, learning God's ways about biblical womanhood is what drastically changed my marriage in every way for the better. How about you?
Logging you in...
shannon · 592 weeks ago
The Bible is so discreet about such things, I just love it. It uses phrases even such as "came in unto her" and "he knew her". Such beautiful words to express the act of sex but without being graphic. I do not read, nor have ever read, even Christian sex books because God didn't make it graphic so it doesn't need to be so. Keeping with language such as this makes it very possible for a pastor to preach these things to his congregation without offense.
Your reader above is a smart lady. Thanks for teaching us "younger" ones. (that's in quotes cause right now I don't feel younger at all :) ).
Lori Alexander 122p · 592 weeks ago
Cynthia · 592 weeks ago
Elsewhere, the Bible uses terms like "lie with".
Katy · 592 weeks ago
I have been reading pretty regularly for a while now, but this is my first time commenting. I agree (for the most part) with you and Angela that the bible is the only "sex manual" needed in a marriage. I agree that it's nice to learn what works for you and your husband while growing together in marriage. BUT, I also think that an educational book with a biblical perspective can prove helpful in certain circumstances, especially when one has made the decision to stay pure before marriage. Intended for Pleasure (Dr. Ed Wheat) is a book I read shortly after being married, and certain pieces of information from the book were helpful to increase my understanding of sex within the bounds of a healthy marriage.
I think of it this way: we need no extra source besides the bible for all wisdom and knowledge from the Lord. That being said, there are bible studies, books on submission in marriage, and blogs such as yours that provide Godly wisdom and insight. Why shouldn't the subject of sex be any different (provided that it still maintains the sacredness that God intended for it)? Anyway, that's just my opinion on the matter. I enjoy your blog. Have a lovely day!
Lori Alexander 122p · 592 weeks ago
Danielle B · 592 weeks ago
Anony · 592 weeks ago
I do think though, that it is HIGHLY important for a couple to understand going into any educational effort that the primary purpose of that part of marriage is for THEM to have fun and express their love for each other, not to try to be anyone else or match a statistic. But truthfully, just telling an inexperienced young woman to give her husband frequent sex is not going to set them up for the right thing. They do need actual specific (though not personally graphic!) information, and ideally from a Christian source. I guess the books exist because people aren't getting the info they need from parents or godly mentors.
Danielle B · 592 weeks ago
Cynthia · 592 weeks ago
I think the following basic principles are essential:
1. THE GOLDEN RULE: If both spouses focus on treating the other as would like to be treated, on loving each other and being kind and considerate, they'll be on the right path. It's also important to know that marital relations are about intimacy, and they are not dirty or sinful, but are a part of God's design for marriage.
2. Good communication: Spouses are not mind-readers. Each spouse has to feel comfortable letting the other know if something feels good, or if it doesn't. They also need to know how to do so with sensitivity.
3. Pain = STOP and seek help: Pain is the body's way of letting us know that something is wrong. It's not normal or necessary. Advice is needed, and if the issue isn't quickly fixed, medical professionals should be involved.
4. Resources: You don't need a detailed manual for everything, but there are times when you should have some basic knowledge of biology, and times when you can use a good resource to deal with any issues that may come up.
5. Patience and reasonable expectations: It will take time to figure out what works best, and that's ok. People should be aware of challenges that may arise at each stage of life (newlywed, pregnancy, post-partum, breastfeeding, menopause, heart issues, osteoporosis, etc.). As a previous poster mentioned, people should also know that porn does NOT represent mutually enjoyable relations - it represents people acting (and often being totally exploited) in a way designed for the best camera shots and to grab the attention of a viewer.
Lori Alexander 122p · 592 weeks ago
Kelley · 592 weeks ago
The Bible also teaches the aged women to teach the younger women {HOW} to love their husbands (Titus 2). I'm still in the Word when aged women open my eyes to knowledge and impart wisdom regarding understanding of and esteeming my husband of 32+ years. So reading Dr. Laura's and Stormie Omartian's {prayer} books, and reading writings like yours and other godly older women qualify as "books about sex."
Stormie taught me, "Just give me 15 minutes" in her book, "Power of a Praying Wife."
Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding..." books and "Woman Power" taught me how selfish and self-centered I can get and opened my eyes to the power I have to give my man the wife of his wildest dreams, and that I would be pleasantly surprised at the husband I and only I have the power to help him be.
I seriously consider the author when I read books about improving my sexual relationship with my one and only good man. Dr. Kevin Leaman, Shaunti Feldhaun's books and many others have greatly improved my attitude regarding this priceless gift given to married couples by The Creator, The Master Designer. Oh, how thankful I am to have godly advice in this area.
Hats of to you, too, Lori. *curtsy*
Kelley~
Lori Alexander 122p · 592 weeks ago
Danielle B · 592 weeks ago
J Beth · 592 weeks ago
Tai facebook · 567 weeks ago