Several women have asked me about a situation where they have higher sex drives than their husbands. Since I have never experienced this, I wasn't sure how to mentor them. Thejoyfilledwife had this problem in her marriage and gave a wonderful comment on one of my posts. So if any of you struggle with this issue, this should be able to help you.
If there's anyone on this board who can relate to the subject you're asking about, it's me. To put it plainly, I have an unusually high sex drive for a woman. My husband is a bit older than I am, and he has a naturally high sex drive as well, but I am even higher than he is. Maybe twice over. And this is not a result of exposure to anything or a byproduct of promiscuity. I was a virgin when we married and was not exposed to all of the garbage that most people are growing up with. It's just the way I'm wired. To add to it all, my husband is most desirous in the early morning and I'm most tired at that time, especially if I've been up several times that night with our little one and their night terrors. I do best in the afternoon and especially evening. He is usually busy in the afternoon and is very tired by nighttime. Our energy and desire levels are almost never matching at the same time, but that's usually the case in marriages.
As you probably know, my husband had a former porn addiction. He also was very promiscuous prior to becoming a believer. Once he was saved, he was not with anyone sexually until our wedding night, but his porn addiction was growing behind the scenes.
You can imagine how hard it was for me having to deal with his lack of interest in sex, especially being that I already had a higher sex drive than him. When you desire intimacy twice a day and are denied sexually for up to a month at a time...to say that it was hard to deal with would be an understatement. In order to cope with this, while at the same time trying to "win him without a word"...every night, after my husband fell asleep, I would work out hard in the next room to release as much of that energy as possible. Then I would spend hours in the Word and prayer so that I would not fall into temptation.
This post makes no claims that women are never on the other side of this issue. However, because 80% of the time it's the men being denied sexually, it's an important topic that needs to be discussed. I'll share a couple of my suggestions here from my own experience.
1. My first question is how often are you and your husband having sex? Every man's sex drive is different and I don't think I've ever come across a married couple whose sex drive was identical. Some men like to have sex every day, some a few times a week, some once a week. If a husband is going longer than that without wanting it {and provided he's not getting up there in years}, then there may be something up. Are you asking him for it and he's refusing? Or are you not asking him for it, but he's only initiating infrequently?
2. Secondly, there is a myriad of reasons that a husband may not be wanting sex very often. You named many of them, such as porn use, medical issue, E.D., and the like. Some of the biggest contributors are stress, depression, or tension in the relationship, such as a husband feeling very disrespected by his wife. He may not even say that he feels disrespected, and some men don't even pinpoint it, but it can make them feel a lack of desire toward her. Could this be the case in your marriage? We should always examine our hearts and be willing to ask our husbands if we could be treating them better and how.
Also, as sensitive a subject as it may be, I also encourage wives to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Shower, dress up a little nicer, do your hair, and put on a little makeup before your husband comes home from work. If you haven't been taking care of your body by eating right and exercising, start doing that daily. Most husbands don't care if their wives don't look like supermodels. They just want to know that they are trying their best to be attractive to them. This, coupled with being more flirtatious, respectful, and fun, will usually go a long way.
3. If your husband is a believer and he is denying you intimacy, appeal to him from a Biblical perspective in a respectful way. If he is not a believer, appeal to him as your husband. Tell him your desires and need for closeness. Use descriptive words to let him know how much you want to be close to him. Say it respectfully and tell him how hard it is for you when you aren't regularly intimate...that you don't want to have a wandering mind and desire that all of your affections and desires be aimed at, and fulfilled, by him alone. Make sure you are respectful in your delivery because, sometimes, men have physical issues that they are embarrassed about and they are too ashamed to articulate them.
4. If your husband is not a believer and refuses to have sex with you...along with all of my suggestions above, I am going to recommend that you develop some of the habits that I did when my husband denied me regularly. When you are feeling sad or rejected, go into the other room and workout hard. Do cardio and strength training. Get your body moving and expel energy. This can do a world of good for your mood and for releasing what is built up. Secondly, and most importantly, pray, pray, pray, and spend time in the Word. Seek the Lord's help...ask Him to draw near to you, to fill the void you feel, and to help you become more like Christ. Pray for your husband's salvation.
There is not a one-size-fits-all answer for every scenario, but my final recommendation will help, no matter the reasons for the disconnect. Please know that I truly know how it feels. I cried myself to sleep many nights as I dealt with this same void in my relationship with my husband. Praise be to God, He is able to heal! Once my husband began to overcome his addiction, things completely turned around in this area. Now, just as I had been an example to him by never refusing him, he now will often ask me if I need him intimately at that moment, even though I can tell he is extremely tired. We reap what we sow, dear sister. Don't lose hope. God is truly able to heal even the most neglected marriages.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked:
This post makes no claims that women are never on the other side of this issue. However, because 80% of the time it's the men being denied sexually, it's an important topic that needs to be discussed. I'll share a couple of my suggestions here from my own experience.
1. My first question is how often are you and your husband having sex? Every man's sex drive is different and I don't think I've ever come across a married couple whose sex drive was identical. Some men like to have sex every day, some a few times a week, some once a week. If a husband is going longer than that without wanting it {and provided he's not getting up there in years}, then there may be something up. Are you asking him for it and he's refusing? Or are you not asking him for it, but he's only initiating infrequently?
2. Secondly, there is a myriad of reasons that a husband may not be wanting sex very often. You named many of them, such as porn use, medical issue, E.D., and the like. Some of the biggest contributors are stress, depression, or tension in the relationship, such as a husband feeling very disrespected by his wife. He may not even say that he feels disrespected, and some men don't even pinpoint it, but it can make them feel a lack of desire toward her. Could this be the case in your marriage? We should always examine our hearts and be willing to ask our husbands if we could be treating them better and how.
Also, as sensitive a subject as it may be, I also encourage wives to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Shower, dress up a little nicer, do your hair, and put on a little makeup before your husband comes home from work. If you haven't been taking care of your body by eating right and exercising, start doing that daily. Most husbands don't care if their wives don't look like supermodels. They just want to know that they are trying their best to be attractive to them. This, coupled with being more flirtatious, respectful, and fun, will usually go a long way.
3. If your husband is a believer and he is denying you intimacy, appeal to him from a Biblical perspective in a respectful way. If he is not a believer, appeal to him as your husband. Tell him your desires and need for closeness. Use descriptive words to let him know how much you want to be close to him. Say it respectfully and tell him how hard it is for you when you aren't regularly intimate...that you don't want to have a wandering mind and desire that all of your affections and desires be aimed at, and fulfilled, by him alone. Make sure you are respectful in your delivery because, sometimes, men have physical issues that they are embarrassed about and they are too ashamed to articulate them.
4. If your husband is not a believer and refuses to have sex with you...along with all of my suggestions above, I am going to recommend that you develop some of the habits that I did when my husband denied me regularly. When you are feeling sad or rejected, go into the other room and workout hard. Do cardio and strength training. Get your body moving and expel energy. This can do a world of good for your mood and for releasing what is built up. Secondly, and most importantly, pray, pray, pray, and spend time in the Word. Seek the Lord's help...ask Him to draw near to you, to fill the void you feel, and to help you become more like Christ. Pray for your husband's salvation.
There is not a one-size-fits-all answer for every scenario, but my final recommendation will help, no matter the reasons for the disconnect. Please know that I truly know how it feels. I cried myself to sleep many nights as I dealt with this same void in my relationship with my husband. Praise be to God, He is able to heal! Once my husband began to overcome his addiction, things completely turned around in this area. Now, just as I had been an example to him by never refusing him, he now will often ask me if I need him intimately at that moment, even though I can tell he is extremely tired. We reap what we sow, dear sister. Don't lose hope. God is truly able to heal even the most neglected marriages.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked:
for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Galatians 6:7
Galatians 6:7
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Anonymous · 555 weeks ago
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 555 weeks ago
Praise God for the work the Holy Spirit is doing in you and your husband. I know all too well the damage that is caused from current or former porn addictions to marriage. God is truly able to heal.
My husband shared with me a week or so ago that the more he makes love to me in a selfless, Christ-honoring way, the more the images imprinted on his mind are watered down and "put on the back burner." My husband and I pray together each time before intimacy, that the Lord would help him to resist any temptations that come to mind when we are intimate and that he would recognize them for what they are and who is behind them.
Prayer is powerful, dear sister! May the Lord grant your marriage continual renewal as He makes you and your husband more and more like Christ.
Abigail · 555 weeks ago
As for the husband's with little or no drive they need their testosterone levels checked. Low testosterone is the male equivalent of menopause. Left undiagnosed can cause other issues. The men need to be urged to see an endocrinologist. A family may miss it, if the male is young. I've seen it as young as a teenager. (Under 18)
There are drawbacks to it of course. Sterility being one (but if given the right drug it could be avoided). There are bio identical hormones that can be used as well.
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 555 weeks ago
I can see that you are coming from a position of care and concern with your advice above, but I also want to caution you. We all surely know that viewing porn is a sin. In God's eyes, it is no greater a sin than gossiping, or envying, or fear and doubt. We want to speak the Truth here, but we don't need to condemn. The post today is meant to help wives who are suffering from lack of intimacy in their marriages, not to talk about their husband's potential porn addiction. Lori recently created a post about that subject, which I addressed from my experience in my own marriage. If you type it in the search bar, I'm sure it will pop right up!
You may certainly be correct that a husband may need to have their testosterone levels checked, but I don't encourage wives to be pushy about that. That can be a very humiliating request to a man and should be handled with respect and gentleness. I would encourage wives to never neg a husband to make him do it. Many times, a husband's lack of desire has to do with things other than low testosterone and those should be addressed first.
kathystuk · 555 weeks ago
Ken · 555 weeks ago
I am so sorry to here of your issues in your marriage and many men know what you are suffering with as we all know the deprivation of sex does go to both sides. Leave it to the brilliance of Paul and the Spirit to be sure not to neglect such and important subject and be clear about it.How many in the church husbands and wives call themselves Christians yet neglect some of God's clear demands on their lives.
We are not big advocates for "take him to the church" or her to the church for that matter on marital sin issues. If one has a church that is comfortable dealing with such things, then so be it. Certainly if you are convinced that your husband is a believer, and loves the Lord then your appeal to an elder, an elder couple or your pastor may produce fruit. I am pretty sure that "take him to the church refers to at a minimum the welder board and perhaps more broadly the entire congregation. But if it can be done discretely and respectfully, by all means go talk to an older women or have a couple come over to discuss it with the two of you from a Biblical standpoint.
There can be a number of different things that might make a man not desire regular sex, some physical, but many are psychological or emotional. The difficulty solving the issue is that you, or a counselor must get into your husbands bad thinking. It could be as simple as ED and a feeling of embarrassment that he is not turned on more often. So he does not understand that you can still be fulfilled sexually at least once a week even if he is not. That is part of love, and loving another, to give to them what they need even if you get little or nothing out of it.
All the suggestions above are great, and I would add that far before taking your husband to an elder for spiritual authority and help, find the right time to massage his shoulders or scratch his back and ask good questions to try to find the lies he is telling himself and gently replace them with God's truth. Unfortunately you may not like his lies, and may get hurt over them, but you may not find the healing power of the Spirit until you can get to the lies and expose them to the light of God's truth.
See if you can't find a godly older couple that you can talk this out with, then break away and allow the older man to find out the lies and see if these is a bridge to healing. I would not completely give up on this important issue, as just like a husband trying to win over a difficult wife, there is an ebb and flow to the situation that may happen. It gets a little better, then worse, then better, then hopeless, then better, then healed. Things like this sometimes take time.
Lastly, as you pray hard and seek what the Lord has to teach you through this, especially in the area of his promise to meet ALL our needs, consider an exchange things desired. It is hard to imagine that husband is completely satisfied in his home and in his marriage, and perhaps to get things going the right way you c an discover what big perceived need he has that is yet unmet, that you can meet for him. Challenge him to a game, where you will try and meet this one or two areas of his life in exchange for his desire to meet the needs in your life. I like to think of this as exposing your needs and desires then adding accountability if one promises to try and fails to keep their promises.
He might say, "I love it when you rub my shoulders." To which you reply, "I will trade you two shoulder rubs for every one time of intimacy if you make that time special for me too." Most men love competitions, and shoulder rubs. If he is not game for this, have his testosterone level's checked, or better yet, get some natural testosterone boosters and just try them for a couple of months on him. There are herbs that can help without the side affects of the actual testosterone steroid.
Shaz · 323 weeks ago
Ruth · 555 weeks ago
Be aware that prayer and the Word will help immensely, exercise is good too, but exercise will not take the desire away, it may help to physically release stress. When you build muscle testosterone can increase, so choose your forms of exercise wisely.
I have a question on this topic, how does the submission issue play into this? How does a wife ask for what she needs without being nagging or demanding? I think this issue makes it even harder for woman to stay submitted, though I know it's no excuse to sin.
Thanks again for bringing it up!
Abigail · 555 weeks ago
IMO if after you mention 1 corin 13 and he will not comply. You go to the church.
Ken · 555 weeks ago
You are correct that submission is not sweeping things under the rub. Find an older godly woman for counsel first, and hopefully her husband will be wiling to help with talking to the husband.
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 555 weeks ago
We know that Scripture is God-breathed and good for a great many things in a believer's life. Absolutely there is a place to put Matthew 18 in action. However, that is meant to be a last resort and only applies when both husband and wife are true believers. The reason that counseling is so important to do first is because both sides need to be represented. Both the husband and wife need to be held accountable for their actions. When someone is directly brought before the church, not only does it not follow the progression as written in Matthew 18, but the husband is not being represented. It's a one-sided approach and that's not God's ways.
The reason I did not bring up Matthew 18 in my post is because I think that most marriages with this problem can be resolved without going to that extent. If I were to make Matthew 18 a prominent way of dealing with this issue, no matter the caveat I place before it, it will almost certainly be abused. Most wives don't see the ways that they may be contributing to their husband's lack of desire. Wives should work on everything on their end first before they address anything their husband is doing. In my experience, that will solve a lot of the problem...provided a husband doesn't have an addiction or is unwilling to change. If a husband is an unbeliever, Matthew 18 doesn't apply.
I know you are well-meaning, Abigail, and I don't want to detract from that, but I encourage you to be very cautious about recommending Matthew 18 as the primary method of "fixing" marital issues. Most times, it doesn't need to get to that point in order for the problem to be fixed, and it can usually be resolved with some good, solid, Biblical counseling, accountability, and the wife fixing things on her end before moving to the next step.
Charlotte · 555 weeks ago
Anon · 555 weeks ago
Charlotte · 555 weeks ago
Pup · 555 weeks ago
Ken · 555 weeks ago
All six foot of a man built like a tank leapt out of the bed and threw her on it. Her heart raced at the thought that her man was taking control, and just then, she heard the words, "Get out of the way! It's the last shot of the US Open!" :)
Timing can be everything, and I can tell you as a husband who is used to putting in 55 hour weeks at work, if things are not planned out, intentional, and regularly scheduled, the focus and stress of work can make us think that our wife never wants sex, even when she feels she is trying so hard to initiate it.
First I would explore with him when, where and how he likes it. Ask him if you could do just one or two things that really gets him going, what would that be? Ask how many times a week he thinks a couple should be having sex, or at least cuddling and intimate moments? Asking good questions can lead you to his thinking where you can then show him where you have common ground. Most husbands would love to marry a wife who desires regular sex, and then add some spontaneity to it from time to time.
Do you have devotions together? Morning or night? See if he will agree to have devotions with you at least every other day in the morning, or start with Saturday mornings and Wednesdays. Make it devotions followed by cuddling. We have devotions together every morning I am in town, except for Sundays. We cuddle, she reads, I pray for all. It really is devotions first, but hey, we are here anyway, what do you think? There is no disappointment if one of us has to run off to do something, because tomorrow is another day of devotions and cuddling.
If I told my wife she needs to "just take it" from me, it might be I might enjoy her "taking it." Tell him to march into the bedroom and give other instructions. If he asks "why?," you say, "Because you told me I can take it when I want it, and I want it now." With a smile of course. Then don't anything but playful with him, but try not to take no for an answer. Some men who are stressed out may may like being pulled out of their stressful thoughts, and feeling of overwhelming responsibilities, by a wife who will just for a few minutes takes playful control.
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 555 weeks ago
A on · 555 weeks ago
But even last night - I'd said a couple times during the day that after our meeting at church, I really needed some private time with my husband. He responded by saying that would be really nice, but he had too much work to do. I thought this morning about asking him if he considers it "initiating" when I tell him I need time with him. Maybe he doesn't think it is, and that's why he says I don't. It felt to me like I tried to initiate and got shot down. If I share those feelings, however, he will tell me that it makes him feel like less of a man who isn't taking care of his wife. I've asked him how he wants me to initiate, what is initiating to him, and he never gives me a straight answer.
I do like the idea of devotions (we don't often go to bed at the same time; he stays up later to work or relax with the TV), so I'll ask him about incorporating that. And I've never really tried the approach of telling him that I was taking it because he told me to and I want it.
I enjoy being with my husband. I have never, ever refused him. I've stopped what I was doing if he approached me in the middle of something. But I get so stressed out about being the one to initiate because he claims I rarely do, yet I feel like I try and get rejected - but he is offended when I try to explain that. It's a difficult place to be. Although, praise God, this is just one bump in the road and the rest of our marriage is truly incredible!
Please pray that I just learn my husband better. I am an awful mind reader, but it seems he would prefer that I just figure things like this out because he shouldn't have to tell me. I will continue to pray about this. Thank you all for your advice!
Felicia · 555 weeks ago
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 555 weeks ago
Thank you for sharing! Praise God for His work in changing our hearts! You illustrated the point that I was making in my post: More often than not, we are contributing to our husband's lack of desire through disrespect or presenting ourselves in a very unattractive way (whether through behavior or appearance or both). It's not always the case that the wife is adding to her husband's lack of desire, but it is surely the case the VAST majority of the time.
helen · 555 weeks ago
I have been pondering this post and though I do really understand where it is coming from, I worry that we are too self indulgent worrying about not getting enough sex and worrying that we as women aren't being 'satisfied'?. It seems a very 'ME' centered concern and that does give me some pause for thought.
The bible tells us to see first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness.....particularly now I think as the days are so dark. Even today I have had an email from dear Missionary friends in Nigeria whose congregation and the wider Christian community are being slaughtered by the evil that is Boko Haram. What I wonder would they think of some of us worrying about having higher sex drives than our husbands and 'not getting enough'?.
The days are evil, maybe we should be on our knees or facedown crying out to God for his mercy for this world rather than indulging our own desires and worrying about how much sex we are getting, or not?.
Just a question to think about................
blessings
Helen UK
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 555 weeks ago
I hear your concern and understand where your heart is in your comment. However, please keep in mind that God created us to enjoy and frequently have sex with our spouse. There's nothing selfish or "me" centered about desiring our spouse frequently. It doesn't become sin, unless we are trying to satisfy our desires outside of our marriage bed, or we are neglecting our spouse in this area. Sometimes our spouse is in sin by neglecting us, but we have the choice to not sin in response when that's the case (which is one this post was about).
The enemy would love for us believers to label sex in marriage "selfish" so that we will focus on other ministries and overlook the most important one we've been given. When a husband and wife have sex, it is a pure and true example of Godly unity. We are doing a righteous thing when we selflessly give of ourselves to our spouse. A person is not more righteous when they are praying than when they are having sex with their spouse. There is a saying floating around about Christian marriages that I think is spot on: "The enemy's objective is to get you to have as much sex as possible before marriage, and as little as possible afterward." Satan's objective is always to twist what God created and flip it upside down. The notion that sexual desire in marriage is somehow less pure or is selfish is not of God, dear sister.
My heart goes out to your friend, Helen. I have friends on the mission field who face frightening situations every day that we may never encounter in a lifetime. Does that mean that we should live our lives here as if we are in their position over there? No. God has called us to a different mission field and the one that we are living in is not less important or less noble than theirs. We are make up different parts of the body. If the hands neglect their calling because they consider it more noble to be feet, the body would not work as God intended.
I have served on the mission field in other countries myself, with scary and life-threatening things happening all around me. I know how that feels. I don't know why God has chosen my mission field at the present time to be in the United States ministering to the community, raising my children, and serving my husband, but who am I to label any of God's mission fields as greater or lesser than another? Every mission field is of equal importance, dear sister, and is all part of God's ultimate plan. May we strive to become more and more like Christ as we minister to those whom we have been called to.
helen · 554 weeks ago
thank you for your thoughtful comments, I appreciate what you are saying and I think I would only add a couple of things.
I think the warning light needs to come on when we are thinking more about the lack of sex, or our need for more sex (as this post is centred round) than thinking firstly about seeking first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness. Balance in EVERYTHING in vital and most things, including sex, can turn into an idol if we are thinking about them MORE than we are thinking about our relationship with God.
As for how we live our lives, yes, we are one body, and the bible says that if one part is suffering, everyone should suffer (1 Corinthians 12) and also in Hebrews 13 Remember them that are in bonds, as if you were bound with them; and them that labour, as being yourselves also in the body.
Indeed, we need to live our lives remembering they are our brothers and sisters, and entreating God for their safety, and live our lives firstly for Christ, as Paul said, 'for me to live is Christ'.
Nothing should come before our commitment to God, and we should be wary of focussing on anything so much that it becomes an idol.
Thank you again for your comments, may God bless you
Helen UK
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 554 weeks ago
You're absolutely right that sex can become an idol. In fact, I agree with that point so much that I made the comment in one of my posts that "if a husband and wife were to tell me they spend 75% of their day having sex, I would suggest to them that they have made that one aspect of their marriage an idol." You and I are in 100% agreement that sex can become an idol. That's not what I'm addressing, though, in this post. We are talking about women who were created with higher sex drives than their husband, or even women who are being defrauded by their husband because of a myriad of reasons. The purpose of the post is to teach women in either of these situations how to respond in a Biblical way and to focus on the things of Christ instead. So you and I are definitely on the same page in terms of every person needing to focus on Christ more in everything.
I 100% believe that God creates us all with different sex drives and differing amounts of desire. God created us with those desires so that we would engage in sex in the context of marriage. Marriages can need more sex than they are having. If a spouse is being defrauded, that means that there is sin going on, according to The Word of God. God must think it's mighty important to have lots of sex in marriage (and to want it) because He created it to serve many noble purposes. I will never argue that sex can become an idol to people, even in marriage, but because a wife (or husband) is being sinned against in this area of marriage and is hurt and suffering relationally for it, that doesn't mean that it's become an idol to them. It means that one or both of them are not living up to this part of marriage as God intended it to be.
Thanks for sharing, sister!
Anonymous · 494 weeks ago