Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Women are to Be Discreet


Most young women are not discreet today. Each generation seems to becoming more and more indiscreet, yet the Lord commands that I teach young women to be discreet. I asked the women in the chat room, "What is something you would never do in front of your husband? There are some things that should be done in private." There should be some feminine mystery about us, especially towards our husbands. We should be known for being discreet and feminine.

Some of the young women bragged that they can do everything in front of their husbands. I have noticed that there is no sense of shame in the younger generations and I don't blame them. I blame the culture they are being raised in and the lack of older women teaching them about discretion. 

The definition of discreet is "judicious in one's conduct or speech, especially with regard to respecting privacy or maintaining silence about something of a delicate nature; prudent; circumspect." Just because we are married doesn't mean we leave discretion at the door. 

Some women were even bragging about their husbands wanting them to pass gas in front of them! Unfortunately, too many men are being raised by feminists mothers, therefore, they don't realize how attractive femininity is on their wives.

A woman shouldn't go to the bathroom in front of her husband. She shouldn't do anything where she can't sit in a feminine way in front of him. If you have to pump your breasts, do it in private. Floss your teeth without him having to watch. Whatever isn't feminine, don't do in front of him. Be women of discretion, especially in front of your husband. A lack of discretion turns most men off. They like their wives to be feminine and discreet. It is the opposite of them and this is what attracts men to women.

I want my husband to think of me as feminine, even in the way I eat my food. Do you gulp your food down in an unfeminine way? I have seen women do this and it is not appealing at all. Do you eat way too much and stuff yourself? This is unattractive as well. I knew a woman who would lick her fingers and use them to pick up all the crumbs on her plate to eat them! Eat like a lady!

Our goal is not to be sexy but discreet and modest. We are not trying to gain the attention of the men around us. We only do this behind closed doors with our husbands. God calls us to be women of discretion and I don't think he meant for us to stop doing this with our husbands. 

Work on becoming a classy woman. I have an older woman friend who mentors young women and she is the classiest woman I know. She buys all of her clothes at thrift stores or on sale for very little but she always looks great! She uses discretion in everything she does, even the way she eats. 

Most young women scoff at this today but if you are a young woman who desires to become a godly women, I encourage you to not scoff at this but learn to be discreet in all you do, especially with what you say. Never use foul language. Don't gossip and say mean things about others. Let the law of kindness always be on your lips. This is part of being discreet and feminine as well.

We are not part of this world. We are strangers and aliens and we should look like it. Too many Christians have fallen into the gutter with the rest of the world instead of rising up and being salt and light. Be a godly woman of discretion; for this pleases the Lord.

As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, 
so is a fair woman which is without discretion.
Proverbs 11:22

Comments (56)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
Oh, goodness - this is a sermon that needs to be preached. Yes, yes, yes.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
Great post Laurie! I didn't know to be discreet in all the things you mentioned until years into my marriage my husband asked me to start being more discreet. I wish I had known then what you have written now.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
I'm not scoffing, but the definition of discreet that you are using differs from the one I'm finding used in the Bible. From what I can tell it comes from a Greek word meaning sober-minded. I can't see how not flossing your teeth in front of your husband etc. corresponds to being sober-minded? It seems more to me that those things are more of a matter of personal preference to each one's husband, rather than a violation of Scripture. I don't believe my husband has considered me any less feminine after seeing me floss my teeth, pump my breasts or helping me go to the bathroom after surgery etc. In fact, I remember one time when I was pumping (a necessity for our baby in the NICU), that he told me it was beautiful to see me doing what a mother does. I'm going to have to study this one out a little more I believe.
2 replies · active 479 weeks ago
How does one decide on discreetness? I mean, if my husband is ok with me leaving the door open when I brush and floss, I feel that there's nothing wrong with that. If I curse in public or in front of kids, I get that that's not discreet. But where do we draw the line between public and private?
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
Lady Virtue's avatar

Lady Virtue · 479 weeks ago

This is an excellent and much needed post. The comment about women whose husbands want them to pass gas in front of them is really sad. I take care of that privately in the restroom (my husband and I have separate bathrooms; I know not every married couple's living arrangements are this way, but that seems like something you'd always want to do privately, anyway) and if I'm tending to the custom of women, that is a matter I handle discreetly (i.e., not in front of my husband) as well.

I also appreciated your remark about our goal not being to be "sexy." I don't even like that word. Yes, be attractive for your own husband, but "sexy" conjures up images of immodesty (which is the opposite of discretion) and fornication. I think pop culture and social media are to blame for a lot of this; people seem to think they should just put everything out there for public consumption, with no shame.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
Several years ago we had a missionary couple stay with us. The lady was in her 60's but dressed with class. She had a wonderful spirit about her as well. I thought that is how I want to be as I age.

I have recently noticed at an extended Christmas gathering how the women don't look feminine at all. I love to dress feminine and I felt really dressed up, but I also didn't spend much for my outfit.

I think if we listen to what our husband's say we can also tell what they would like us to be discreet about.
4 replies · active 479 weeks ago
Thank you. I appreciate that you said that our goal is not to be sexy. It has bothered me after Candace Cameron Bure put so much emphasis on being sexy - not only for her husband, but for a wide television viewing audience. It seemed to take away from what what she may have had for only her husband. It also conveys a message to young women (and older married women) to strive to be sexy and for young men (and older married men) to look for that. Yet I don't see in scripture the call to strive to be sexy. The message to meet the world's standard of sexiness seemed to come across louder than one to seek to please the Lord. It is a grievous thing to have an opportunity to spur others on to Christ and yet instead give a message that seems to try to meet the world's standards.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
I agree with this post. Honestly, I prefer to not even dress in front of my husband or have him watch me get ready. I've never gone to the bathroom in front of him. I try and dress feminine and fix my hair a little before he comes home. I also make sure our little girl has clean clothes on and a clean face. My husband works so hard and he has said he appreciates coming home to clean and cheerful ladies! :) My grandmother actually gave me those tips when I got married. She stayed home, always looked put together and made wonderful meals in a clean house. She was always private about personal things and taught me, my sisters and cousins to be discreet too. When we visited, she encouraged us to get dressed and have our hair fixed before coming to the breakfast table where everyone was seated (no pajamas allowed!) and we had to have very good manners at the table. The girls waited on the boys and I honestly enjoyed that. There was a sense of order and respect. And it was still a happy and loving environment. She took the girls shopping and then to a lady's only salon to get our haircut and fixed and grandpa took the boys separately to the barber shop. Sometimes she'd let us look at her dressing table with her lotions and perfumes and jewelry...that was the best! She had the prettiest old-fashioned claw foot bathtub and would fill it with bubbles for us when we were little. She was very feminine and pretty and we admired her. My grandpa and everyone else just loved her. She was very faithful to the Lord and involved with church. I loved listening to her read the Bible to us and encouraging us to love and serve others. Some of my happiest memories were the summers we spent with them! I learned a lot from her example. This post reminds me so much of her. It's a good reminder to teach my daughter these things too while she is still young.
10 replies · active 479 weeks ago
Great word. Growing up (after my dad's conversion) I never heard him belch nor say bad or demeaning words at all. My mom (whom I love dearly) was quite the opposite. There's pictures of my dad B.C. where he is shirtless but never after his conversion which leads me to believe that ones level of the fear of the LORD plays a huge role on our behavior. My mom has become more GOD fearing through the years and consequently more discreet. I took after my dad in that I have always dressed modestly. I can't say the same for speech. The Holy Spirit has helped me clean up my speech. A work in progress after conversion praise the LORD. Two of my 5 children are more discreet than the others. I love them all the same. Teaching the ones who aren't discreet to be discreet with grace is my prayer.
Blessings from Salt Lake City, UT.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
I love this. I was raised in a house where bathroom doors were closed and where there were clearly things that were not done in front of others. My youngest sister, 8 years younger, was raised in exactly the same house/same way, but is not discreet at all. Doors always open, noises coming from bodies, etc...all the time. I don't understand, I guess. We just continue to teach. My girls have always kept the bathroom door open, mostly because they were little and we needed to be sure they were ok. But, it is nearly always me (unless I am ill) checking on them or being with them in that way. My oldest is nearly 15 and has started shutting the door to the bathroom unless she is grabbing her contacts or such. Hopefully we are creating the next generation of modest.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
Lori

What a lovely post, and the Proverbs verse is so true. Women just do not care about how they come across to others today do they?.

Blessings to you
Helen UK
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
Lori
This has also made me think of parents who will walk round naked in front of their children and think its better to be that way, 'open and unashamed' and teaching their kids not to be embarrassed about their bodies.

It was always closed bathroom doors etc growing up too for me too as Kathy has already said.
Blessings
Helen UK
2 replies · active 479 weeks ago
I agree with you, how women these days lack discretion in their manners, actions, and especially in their words. And modesty doesn't always go hand in hand with being discreet. My grandmother and mom are probably the most modest/feminine women I know (almost fanatically so) but they're so indiscreet with their mouths it's unbelievable. I love how the scriptures over and over again list how the godly woman's inward virtues are more important. How self-control is a mark of obedience. I've strived to be this way. I refuse to bad mouth my husband and refuse to put up with women who do. And as part of being a helpmeet and supporting my husband, I'm always careful that my attitudes and actions don't undermine him in any way. And as part of being feminine and womanly, I dress modestly and nicely. (Hubby's proud of the way I look, especially since I'm one of the few woman who still dresses up to go to church.)
However, drawing the line with discreet as not allowing your 'humanness' to show through in a marriage relationship is a little off. I've been thinking and looking at Scripture all morning. Read Song of Solomon, divingly inspired by God, and there's not a lot of feminine mishisness going on. Or what about Proverbs 31? I don't see her as being a purely feminine I-always-look-good kind of woman. She was a force to be reckoned with and I'm sure she was quite put together. And biblical living didn't call for separate bathrooms and don't see me until I look good kind of days. Brushing your teeth, flossing, and changing are all things that are okay to do in front of your spouse. There wasn't privacy in Bible times (except for certain times). In fact if a wife or husband aren't comfortable in their own home, in front of each other, where they're supposed to be 'two as one', I'd rethink things. There's intimacy wanted and needed in marriage, and if I get that standing at the bathroom sink getting ready for bed next to my husband, it's good. And if he gets a peek when I change, that's even better! Keep a watch that modesty doesn't put a wall between your spouse. I've seen it happen.
And remember, modesty/discreet doesn't mean weak. It takes strength to stand for something that isn't lived out any more.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
Lori, I agree women need to look feminine and act like a lady. But some examples you gave are a matter of personal preference imho. Our husband is the one person we are closest with, so of course we will do something in front of them that we wouldn't do in public (like undress, in reference to commenter who said she does not dress in front of husband). In our house we keep bathroom doors closed for one simple reason, keeps the smells confined to one area! Im curious what you think about ladies giving birth with husband present. This was interesting to read, I'm 25 and never heard of some of the examples you mentioned.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
I completely agree with most everything in this post. What is so striking to me is how God's word is still true even for those that don't realize it is His truth. I know many of my friends' husbands, young men in their 20's and 30's raised by feminist mothers and claiming to be for women's rights themselves, still appreciate their wives doing private things privately (like going to the bathroom, bodily functions, menstrual sanitation, etc.). However, I'm not sure how breast-pumping would fall into the category of not feminine. This one baffles me. Isn't breastfeeding, and in the absence of being able to nurse all the time, pumping, one of the most feminine things we can do as women to nourish our babies? Certainly, a woman would use discretion to not pump in public uncovered, but, unless her husband has expressed a discomfort with this specific activity, I don't think it is objectively indiscreet for a woman to pump in front of her husband. This one seems more based on the husband's cultural context and preferences. I've known several close friends, strong Christian women who are very discreet and private in every other way that you mentioned, who would pump in front of their husbands.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
My husband and I share a bathroom and we clean our teeth together, get dressed in front of each other and sometimes shower together. I tend to partly close the toilet door but that is usually opened by a cat who likes to come with me but my husband generally leaves the door open when he goes to the toilet. This is a personal thing between a husband and wife and there is one correct or right way of doing things.

My husband would think it very strange if I got dressed in another room or didn’t like walking about naked in front of him. He was there for the birth of our children and saw everything and when we have sex we are naked and the lamp may be on - that is what marriage is about, this intimate relationship that you have with no one else. This is a very different situation to modesty and being discreet with others or in public. In public one shouldn’t do lots of things such as break wind, or burp, one should sit in a particular way, dress in a particular — but at home alone with one’s husband it is very different. My husband does like me to be sexy and he likes me to wear clothes that are more revealing (when we are alone) that I would never do it in public though.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
I completely agree. I wish we had separate bathrooms completely. I do not want any of these type things done in front of anyone actually. I also don't want to witness others doing their private things either.
A Lady's Code (defining principles for ladylike behavior) is an excellent blog by Nancy.
1 reply · active 479 weeks ago
ContentWife's avatar

ContentWife · 479 weeks ago

Maybe it's just me, but I can look rather hideous when flossing! Last night, I tried to floss in a more "lady-like" way. And you know what? It works!

It's a wonderful part of marriage to be open and "be ourselves" in front of our husbands, but I think sometimes we take it too far. If being ourselves means being ill-mannered, disrespectful, or speaking our minds in a negative way, then we shouldn't "be ourselves." We're called to be Christ-like first of all.
Mrs.Senior Chief's avatar

Mrs.Senior Chief · 479 weeks ago

Excellent post! My husband and I are very comfortable being naked in front of each other. But when it comes to using the toilet, we keep that private from each other. Door closed, discreet! My husband would find it a total turn off and lack of femininity if I used the toilet with the door open. I agree with Lori, if it appears unfeminine, do your best to be discreet.
Very much to think about with this post. Thank you!
This is something I was convicted on a few years into marriage. My husband and I both used to be much more worldly but as I grow in the knowledge of Him, I felt myself being more discreet around my husband and doing certain things in private and even covering up more at certain times. I think having young boys made me realize I am to set an example for them of a Christian woman. I was actually just thinking about this recently, how girl magazines when I was a kid would say when you are comfortable around a boy you could pop zits or pass gas or dress frumpy in front of them. After years of being pregnant, barefoot, nursing and frumpy around my husband, I have realized he DOES love me regardless of my "gross" human side-but that doesn't mean he needs to be constantly exposed to it! He spends all day working hard to support our family, the least I can do is dress for him as if he were an honored guest. He deserves honor and respect and my discretion in his own home. :) Lovely post sister!
This was fabulous and VERY practical!
HUGE thank you! Is there a way I can subscribe to these posts, so I do not miss any! ?
I just do not want to miss even one of these ,,little,, jewels from a wise, godly woman.
Blessings, Jane <><
1 reply · active 315 weeks ago

Post a new comment

Comments by