Thursday, August 2, 2012

Conflict Resolution


There is a class on conflict resolution at our church for couples preparing to get married.  Every marriage seminar we have attended taught conflict resolution.  When I write about not arguing at all, people usually comment that this is not possible.  Conflict resolution needs to be taught.

Show me in the Bible that conflict resolution should be part of a marriage.  I find many verses about being peacemakers and pursuing peace with all men.  I assume this means with our husbands also.  I read verses about not quarreling and fighting with others.  If you have something against your brother, go to him quickly and make amends.

God makes it very clear throughout Scripture that we are to be people of peace, kindness, patience, and love.  Quarrelling, arguing, fighting, and discord should have no place in our lives.

Therefore, I think it is much more profitable to teach engaged couples to not argue and fight.  Simply state your opinions and leave it at that.  Since God has called for the husband to be the head, he should have the last word.  Most husbands will gladly listen to their wives counsel before making decisions.  If they do not, live with it and learn to accept it gladly.  This brings honor to the Lord.

I know this can be done.  My marriage is proof of it.  We fought for 23 years.  Now we rarely do.  We are not perfect.  Nobody is but it is much better for couples to make it a goal to not argue than how to argue.  Our marriage is peaceful now.  We love to be together.  This is the way it should be.

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 12:18
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Posted by Always Learning at 4:00 PM
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Susan · 660 weeks ago

I think you are 100% right! Like you, when I started changing how I treated my husband, we don't really have conflicts to resolve. I would never have thought that was possible. And most of the time he asks what I think we should do be cause he values my opinion, just not my nagging and being opinionated!
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Rebecca · 660 weeks ago

Thanks Aunt Lori!
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Cynthia Swenson · 660 weeks ago

I agree Lori! Sadly, there is so much taught in the church that is the "wisdom of man" but God sees it as "foolishness".( 1 Cor.1:19 ) I'm thinking the idea of conflict resolution just leads to more conflict as it would lead a woman to nag to try to get her own way! Better to accept most things, letting the husband have his way. 2 Cor.5:15 "...those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him Who died for them & rose again." Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
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PJB · 660 weeks ago

Why is it that you think newly married couples, even less "perfect" than yourselves need no information on how to deal with their challenges?

And, I'm pretty sure ideas like:

- go to your brother
- make amends
- state your opinions
- listen to each others counsel
- be willing to yield

: those things *ARE* healthy conflict resolution.

They don't indicate an absence of conflict. They are a method for dealing with differences and conflicting desires. If there were no differences or conflicting desires, there would be no method as you have outlined above.

I'm glad you've quit quarreling, being contentious and having 'arguments' -- it's clear that you've learned good conflict management skills in your marriage. It doesn't mean that you have no conflicts. You have ways of working out your differences without getting worked up when you find yourselves in conflict. Why shouldn't young couples be taught the same skills?

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