Monday, September 24, 2012

I'll Obey If He Obeys


This is the what I believed through most years of my marriage.  "If he loved me like he is commanded by God to love me, like Christ loved the church, then I would submit and obey him."  I often hear women tell me that their husbands are not worthy of respect.  These thoughts are what trips women up and causes much harm in marriage.

The following is from Elizabeth Elliot in her book
Discipline ~ The Glad Surrender

The submissiveness of a wife to her husband is the appropriate form of honor that she pays him.  She offers it just as she would offer it to Christ.  In respecting her husband, she respects Christ - that is, she respects who he is in Christ. 

It is frequently argued that she owes him nothing if he is not fulfilling the special command issued to husbands:  love your wives.  This attitude produces a permanent stand-off.  As long as she refuses to submit on the ground that he does not earn her respect, the husband, by the same logic, may refuse her his love, since she does not submit and therefore does not deserve it. 

Each has been given a particular command and a particular strength with which to meet the other more than halfway. In the case of the wife, her strength is what Peter calls an "...imperishable ornament, a gentle, quite spirit..."  There is no calculating the power of such submission. 

It is even possible that an unbelieving husband will be won over without a word said when he sees the "chaste and reverent behavior" of his wife. 

Is it possible to pay honor, like toll or taxes, to a cruel, abusive, unbelieving man?  {I would never recommend a woman staying with a physically abusive husband.}  If  everything in her recoils from her husband's injustice or hatred?  If she fears suffering or other frightening consequences? 

The grace of God has proved through the centuries to be sufficient for countless 'impossible' human circumstances.  She may, through that grace, pay honor and respect to him as to the Lord, certain as although it is unmerited by and apparently lost on her husband, it is not lost on Christ. 

And Christ may draw the husband to faith because of her reverent behavior.  Faith, not fear, should govern her.  Try God!  I would say. 

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands
so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word,
they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,
as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
I Peter 3:1,2

Comments (7)

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Excellent point. It has to start somewhere.

Besides this is sort of like when we tell kids not to do things just because everyone else is doing them. Just because they do it...doesn't make it right.
Excellent! Our marriages always have cycle and sometimes we have to be the ones to change the direction of the cycle.
I found you at Teach me Tuesdays
Merri Beth's avatar

Merri Beth · 652 weeks ago

Can I "like" Elle's comment? Excellent point. And it answers a long burdening question in my own mind. Love your blog, Lori. Read it almost every single day.
While I agree that women should honor and respect their husbands, and also believe that husbands should honor and respect their wives, I stop short in encouraging a woman to stay with a man who is abusive. Abuse is not limited to unbelievers. Some Christian husbands are also abusive. Abuse is NEVER the fault of the victim. Ever. Regardless of what a woman says or does, it does not give the husband "permission" or a reason to abuse her.
Please read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It is not a "Christian" book but it offers a wealth of information on abuse.
There should be respect and kindness between husbands and wives. But when it comes to abuse, staying at all costs is not safe or Christian. I think I get what you are trying to say, but please don't add guilt to women who are abused by their husbands. They should not be staying with abusive men. I cannot in my wildest imagination believe that Jesus would advocate that.
2 replies · active 652 weeks ago
I would NEVER encourage a woman to stay with a husband that was physically abusing her. I would encourage her to call the authorities and find safety.
Thank you. I'm glad you added that sentence about not encouraging a woman to stay with an abusive husband. They way it read originally it sounded (to me) that a woman should stay with him and continue to honor him. And in my experience many Christians DO have that belief. I have even read (in Christian articles) that if a husband murders his wife, why, that was the Lord's will. That kind of "thinking" is scary to me and not what God has in mind for a Christian marriage! Thank you again for adding that sentence and responding to my comment.
This is a great explanation. Thank you!

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