This young woman is having a difficult time in her marriage.
This is the email she wrote to me {the names have been changed} ~
Remember me...I'm the one who is going to school full time because my husband wants me to, and so is he. George {my husband} REFUSES to help me AT ALL with Susie {my daughter} at night.. All he does is he will bring her to me when she first wakes up, but I am always the one to feed her, burp her, get her back to sleep. I'm the one up at 11, 1, 3, and 5 every single night. I'm also the one putting her down for bed every night. He's put her to bed a total of three times her entire life.
I've tried asking him nicely that I need him to help me with Susie at night and he said he would. We even talked to our marriage counselor about him helping more and he agreed he needs to help me out.....however, when the rubber meets the road time and time again I'm taking care of her all by myself and he sleeps the entire night through every night. I've even tried just leaving her to cry in bed with Jon, and I went to the living room couch to sleep but all he did was grumble and plop her on me on the couch. I'm so sick of his selfishness and laziness and the lack of him doing his part.......what am I to do? Not to mention he never does the laundry or cooking, and I do 90% of the cleaning. If I keep doing what I'm doing without him helping me I'm going to become bitter/resentful towards him. I'm already very angry with him as I'm sure you can tell.
My biggest problem is that if I just keep my mouth shut and he keeps being lazy and selfish, I am becoming angry and resentful towards him. I don't LIKE him and I don't want to be around him. What am I suppose to do?
My biggest problem is that if I just keep my mouth shut and he keeps being lazy and selfish, I am becoming angry and resentful towards him. I don't LIKE him and I don't want to be around him. What am I suppose to do?
The world would counsel her to give him ultimatums. Do anything to get him to help you even if you have to use manipulation techniques, right? God tells her to love him, obey him, please him, serve him, submit to him, and learn to be his help meet. Completely opposite of what the world would tell her to do.
Most men aren't homemakers. They aren't built to do housework and help with babies. It is definitely much more of a woman's role. Sure, it is great if your husband does help, but if he doesn't, it is okay. Don't ruin your marriage over it. We are called to be living sacrifices so live your life as a servant, serving others.
Another thing I encouraged her to do was to get her baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible. Let her cry herself to sleep and learn to go back to sleep by herself without having to be nursed or picked up. We all need sleep desperately and I think this mother is exhausted getting up so many times a night. She said within four days, her baby fell asleep within five minutes.
Lastly, she needed to stop thinking and saying negative things about him. Dwell only on thoughts and words which build him up as the Bible commands.
This was the last email I received from her ~
Thanks for the advice. It is helping so far. Also, I've been praying more for my husband and giving him good sex and speaking to him more respectfully. It is nice to be nice to him, and I know God is pleased!
Teach the young women to love their husbands.
Titus 2:3,4
***Update: Her baby now sleeps through night and her husband just told her he wants her to be home full-time taking care of the family!!!
Logging you in...
FABBY · 588 weeks ago
Hope you are having a nice C'mas season.
FABBY
Vicki Walton · 588 weeks ago
Allison · 588 weeks ago
anonymous · 588 weeks ago
Jana · 588 weeks ago
Yup, pretty selfish, the poor girl will be burned out in no time.
Also, God commands both MEN and women to be living sacrifices, not just women.
Emily Kay Johnson · 588 weeks ago
1) While I mostly agree with you on men and housework, when a wife/mother is overwhelmed and asks her husband humbly for help (i.e. not nagging), I would hope a good husband would willing oblige. Either that or offer to hire some extra help. Not all of us can be superwomen.
2) Insisting that the baby sleep through the night solves nothing. No mother can listen to her infant scream for hours (even minutes) on end without it deeply impacting her soul. Infants NEED their mothers and most are not psychologically or physically ready to sleep through the night at an early age. Some do, but most do not. Having a baby cry-it-out before they are ready does nothing but potentially damage their breastfeeding relationship and can cause psychological damage. Research has proven that. Please, PLEASE do some more research before advocating that method to other young mothers.
3) I don't usually insist that my husband help me with nighttime baby duties...baby is nursing so there's only so much he can do anyway. Plus he's a heavy sleeper so it's just easier for me to attend to their needs. However, if I am mentally and physically exhausted, I will ask for more help during the day or a few hours to take a nap. Men may not be the best housekeepers but they can be AMAZING fathers and this father is really missing out by refusing to help with the baby.
Anyway, I have four of my own little ones so I apologize if my thoughts were scattered. I was just taken aback at the advice you offered this exhausted mother, especially since you never once mentioned taking her concerns to God and praying for grace. I just hope she has not built up even more resentment and bitterness towards her husband through this experience. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world and we need God AND our husbands to come alongside us with the support we need to survive.
Cynthia · 588 weeks ago
Mbb · 588 weeks ago
2happy4 66p · 588 weeks ago
helen · 588 weeks ago
Helen
Cynthia · 588 weeks ago
When my husband was a medical resident, he simply needed to be able to have enough sleep to function at work, where patients' lives could be on the line, and he also had to be on call during the night on many occasions. That was simply a reality of life - he needed to get a certain amount of sleep, and wouldn't be home at all many nights.
That didn't mean that sleep deprivation wasn't an issue for me. It was, and we both had to live with the consequences.
By the same token, sometimes a new mom simply reaches her physical limits, and it's just not wise to push them. A friend of mine had 5 children in 7 years. She wanted a large family and was a devoted mom, but developed post-partum psychosis. The damage done to the family was enormous. Even in less extreme situations, a well-rested mom will be less prone to post-partum depression, will be able to exercise, will be less likely to get sick, will have more energy for other tasks, won't be like a zombie and will have a higher libido. Again, this isn't manipulation - it's simply the natural result of getting more rest vs. being sleep-deprived. Most husbands would prefer a well-rested wife, especially if they appreciated the difference that this would make!
Cynthia Swenson · 588 weeks ago
Kelley · 588 weeks ago
What an encouraging post! THE REST OF THE STORY... That's what this post could be called! It shares a young wife's dilemma, being at her wit's end, then her resolve according to the biblical teachings of a Titus 2 aged woman in her life. Did the young wife have a teachable spirit? Apparently she did, for she put in practice some, if not all, of the advice her aged woman encouraged her to act out in a selfless, other-esteemed spirit.
Wow! The outcome made my whole year! This may be one of the best-of-the-best "Always Learning" posts for 2013... in my humble opinion. *wink* TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY! *hugs*
Merry Christmas,
Kelley
TMJ · 588 weeks ago
In marriage, both are called to submit. Everyone is called to submit to one another, that does not exclude husbands. The submission one to another looks different according to the role we are asked to play. For the wife it means willingly following her husbands leadership IN CHRIST. For the husband it means putting aside his own interest in order to care for his wife. The only command directed at the husband by God concerning his relationship to his wife is to LOVE her as Christ did the church. Remember, Christ died for the church. Submission is rarely a problem in homes where both partners have a strong relationship with Christ and each is concerned for the happiness of the other. I once read this statement and it helps when trying to understand the difference between submit and obey. "Submission requires love, respect and a willing yield to another. Obedience on the other hand doesn't require any personal relationship between the one giving the "command" and the one obeying the command." A soldier may obey his commanding officer but he doesn't necessarily love, respect or even care for him at all. He may even wish harm to his commanding officer. That's why God commanded submission and not obedience. Children and slaves are called to obey.
However, sometimes a husband or wife are not following God's plan for their role in marriage and you as a wife should submit even if your husband is not doing what he should. What is your motivation for this submission? You love him and hope that by being a proper example you may win him over and you don't want to harm your marriage relationship. Also, you are answerable to God for only your behavior. Your husband will answer for his, which in the case of this wife her husbands behavior is wrong(sinful). However, she should focus only on that which she has the ability to change, which is herself. Hopefully, by loving him and doing what is right even when he is acting sinfully she can win him over. This is not guaranteed to work but generally does. It is hard to continue acting in a selfish manner towards ones spouse when they exhibit self sacrificeand love towards you.
shannon · 588 weeks ago
Also, I totally agree about having the child sleep through the night. After my first child was born, I was so busy and lacked sleep so much I dealt with psychosis in the night for awhile. As soon as I got more sleep, it went away. It's amazing how lack of sleep can affect the body.
You are a blessing Lori and I pray (literally) I may meet a woman like you in real life. Until then, I'll settle for the internet ;)
Shannon
Brit · 588 weeks ago
I also would like to point out that I have an awesome hubby that helps out a lot with the kids and house work when he's home. :)
Cynthia · 588 weeks ago
While the night waking issue has been resolved for now, here are some practical suggestions for a situation like that, which are respectful and don't involve anger or manipulation.
1. Honestly state your feelings and concerns, making statements that start with "I", not "you". So, a wife could say, "I am really sleep deprived, and find that I'm not myself because of it. I can't concentrate properly, I have no energy, my coordination is off, I'm getting angry and emotional over nothing, I'm not eating properly or exercising, and I just feel awful. I'm worried that if I can't function, I can't be there for you and the baby." That's very different than saying "You never...." or "you always...", which sounds like an attack and puts him on the defensive.
2. She can then suggest that they talk about schedules and brainstorm ideas to make sure that baby is cared for and everyone else is coping. I once did a whole spreadsheet with everyone's schedule in order to plan things at the start of one year, and I made sure to fill in all the details of things that needed to be done at home and with the kids, and set aside time for my husband to work and be on call. I did it purely for practical reasons, but when he looked at it, he couldn't help but notice how time was being spent. Sometimes, men are used to looking at just work outside the home, and a schedule helps them to really "see" all the other stuff that gets done.
3. Since he has already said that he wants to help, they can talk about what things would be helpful to her, and what wouldn't be. He may really want to help and think that he's being helpful, but not realize that his efforts would be better directed elsewhere. If they agree on a schedule and on who does what (and obviously, if one person is working outside the home and the other is not, that's a big part of the contribution to consider), then there's no need for constant nagging or reminders.
lilah · 588 weeks ago
Candi May · 588 weeks ago
Here are some verses about dealing with mistreatment:
Matt. 5:38-48, Luke 6:27-36, I Cor 13:4-7
This is why I say that Christianity is NOT for wimps!!!!!! It is hard. It is dying to self. It is grace - treating others better than they deserve. It is walking in the footsteps of Jesus who suffered wrongly and was ill-treated, but never demanded His rights and continued to serve those who persecuted Him. This is basic Christianity, not some back-woods demeaning way of punishing wives. It is what is demanded of ALL who follow Jesus. We don't get a free pass just because the one who mistreats us is our husband. God's word still applies.
This is a link to a video that strengthens me. I need to listen to it DAILY! It is only when the rubber meets the road - in the hard times - that "for better or WORSE" becomes real. It's called "God's Glory in Marriage".
http://youtu.be/ZACkRe_W4Gg
Thank God, Lori, that she came to you and not others who would have led her on to tear down her home with her own hands!
Kim · 587 weeks ago
The man is head of the household, and will be held accountable for his home. Running his wife to the ground is not leadership. I am glad that you help and everything worked out well.