Vulnerability is a word that can evoke great emotion in some people, yet in others it is completely missed, or misunderstood.
When I look into my grandson Kenny’s eyes, as I watch him on Saturday evenings, I see complete vulnerability and dependence. All he knows is that at that moment in time Papa is the god of His universe and all he can do is look at me with his big blue eyes and laugh or cry, but is completely dependent.
A little baby was born 2000 years ago in Bethlehem in a complete state of vulnerability. He gave up His place equal to and of the very nature God, and not only took on the nature of man, but did so as a baby. Jesus was completely dependent upon Mary, Joseph, and God and it was through His vulnerability that He becomes forever connected to mankind, and to you and me.
So when you hear the word vulnerability what do you think? Is it a scary word for you? Is it a word that conjures up bad thoughts or moments of pain? A feeling that you need to protect yourself because no one will be there to defend you if you do not stay strong?
Are you numb to vulnerability because you have been hurt so many times by the things people have said to you in your past? Or because your parents taught you to be strong, independent, and take care of yourself? Has such strength now become your greatest weakness as you try to connect with others?
I married the most wonderful person in the world some 33 years ago. Intelligent, common sense smarts, great looking, killer figure, fun personality and I knew she would make the greatest mom in the world, which she did. What I did not realize until about seven years into marriage was that Lori had little desire to be either vulnerable or dependent. She had been taught to be strong and in control as most women are today, so she could make her way through life even if she lost a husband to death or divorce. Other hurts and pains only proved out such thinking. No dependency for this bright girl.
It has taken years to watch the Spirit break down the strongholds that kept Lori from having the marriage and relationship that she always wanted, but did not know how to get. Even after being shown the path to intimacy she would argue, squirm and ignore my advances, preferring instead the protection of being in control.
Finally, one day the walls to her heart began to fall down, and what was the key? I am not completely sure, but it seems that I had to first show her how to be vulnerable. I had to show her what it was like to rest in her complete acceptance, even as I exposed my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Slowly, over time, God began a work in both of our lives where we arrived at a safe place that no matter what we would do, no matter who we were inside or out, we had a lover who could love and accept all of who we are, even knowing the bad and the ugly things about us.
For some, vulnerability comes easier than others. Some personalities may be built more trusting and accepting. Some may show a strong exterior, yet crave a moment where they could just melt into their lover’s arms and cry.
A few times I have counseled couples where the fiance, or wife, is a strong, in control women who likes to act out at times, putting her husband on the defensive. Sometimes the acting out gets out of control, demeaning and scolding, making sure to keep her man in his proper place, just arm’s length away in the relationship, yet complaining loudly that there is no real connection or intimacy. I ask the husband “What do you do when she seems so out of control at home?” and he looks back at me bewildered as if to say, “Like what can I do about it?”
What if you quietly walked over to your wife who is seemingly out of control and gave her a big hug, kissed her a few times, then whispered in her ear, “I love you, please stop.’”
The remarkable thing is that the wife usually speaks up and says, "I think I would like that! I hate it when I feel so out of control with my own feelings and behavior.”
Yes, vulnerability is something most of us want, but it is scary. Anyone who wants a deep connection with God, or any human being, must first learn to be vulnerable. Feminism has robbed far too many marriages of this gift from God where a wife can flow into her husband’s love and protection knowing that no matter what, he will be her Prince Charming riding on a white horse to save her, because he loves her more than anyone else in the whole wide world!
Does your husband love you more than anyone else in the whole wide world? Or is there someone who loves you more than he does and that person keeps him at arms distance away, sacrificing intimacy for self-protection? You guessed it. That someone may be you.
Until a wife is ready to allow her husband to be her man in the very truest sense of the word, he cannot break through to her heart, no matter how hard he may try. Many men ultimately give up, but thank God that many Christian men continue on patiently and prayerfully waiting for the day they know God has promised to them that their wife will trust them enough to be vulnerable.
Vulnerable to their leadership… vulnerable to their likes and dislikes… vulnerable to their advances day or night… vulnerable to try and please them. Call it trust, call it humility, call it submission, but these are the highest of qualities Jesus displayed while here on earth, and yet too many wives are being taught that it is best to be strong and in control so that no one can hurt them.
Oh yes, men, vulnerability goes both ways. We too must be vulnerable to give a quiet answer to a wife who is not feeling well, or in a bad mood. To be vulnerable with our time to walk with her, or take ten minutes when getting home to talk with her and find out how she did with the bustling home and kids that day. Vulnerable to open up and cry in her arms when sorrow or stress at work is overloading us, instead of snapping at her, or blaming her for all that we feel is going wrong.
Is not vulnerability to love with your whole heart even when there is no guarantee that your love will be returned, or even honored? Does it not look like like submission, humility and trust, and much like the things Lori is trying to teach on her blog. Yet vulnerability has no need to wait on one's spouse to reciprocate, for it is the waiting that destroys intimacy.
If we are one with Christ, why not accept His demands to be vulnerably connected. It is a wonderful place to be in any relationship, and a glorious place to be in a marriage.
Whoever exalts himself will be humbled,
and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.
Matthew 23:12
Logging you in...
Mrs. P · 590 weeks ago
I have basically been trying to figure out how to spell the word "vulnerability" with four letters for the last couple of decades. I'm at a point in my marriage where my walls are starting to have to come down, and to be perfectly honest I'm scared to death. I've had my walls up for what seems like so long (though I'm only 33).
Lucy · 590 weeks ago
Cabinetman · 590 weeks ago
I loved your post. But I knew right away you were going to catch flack for the exact lines Lucy pointed out. The problem I have with what Lucy states is she basically reduces headship to just love. And the kind of love that is just feel goods. A love that does not punish, a love that does not ask in what would be called in today's world "controlling" is not love at all. It is not love in the kind of love Jesus has for us or what he calls love. Notice in your example's the wife was not hurt. She was not abused. But because you are encouraging something that for a few moments takes out "choice" just for a few split seconds it's abuse in today's world. There were no bruises left, no slaps, no punches, no meanness. You were protecting her, but it's called abuse. No harsh words spoken (exactly the opposite to be true). This is what headship has become in today's world. Just make her feel good...oh I mean loved. I wonder if in Jesus's great love for us how He responds to us does not make us feel good at all times?
Lucy, I'm not trying to be hard on you and your husband but that kind of reasoning does not line up with loving your wife as Christ loves the church. His love looks much more harsh and abusive at times than anything Ken suggested. So are we or are we not to love as Christ loved the church?
Ken · 590 weeks ago
I think what I am suggesting is foreign to many Christian couples that it may take some time for it all to sink in. The reflex response is to always run to protect a wife, and we agree some need to be protected. But the cost to protect all wives from some difficult or abusive husbands is at a great cost to vulnerability and intimacy for many loving Christian couples, if it removes the husband from headship/leadership.
One needs to think through the concept of submission, and yes, there should be zero abuse within the concept, but, apart from allowing a husband freedom to lead his family as he believes God has called him to do, a wife is not truly submissive or vulnerable.
"I am a submissive wife as I am submissive in all the areas I want to be submissive in..." There is no vulnerability in this statement or true willingness to allow the husband to lead. Submission on my terms is a start, but true submission only comes from some willingness to be vulnerable.
We both know there will be many critics who will play the "abuse" card, and we want to be sensitive to truly being loving husbands, but if a Christian wife says she has a loving husband, why is she afraid of anything he will do to show leadership and love to her and in the family?
Certainly if that husband believes that gently pinning his out of control wife to a hallway wall to get her attention is abuse, then he should not practice such things. But he might want to ask her if she would appreciate it if he did show a bit more control when she was out of control and at least have the discussion. He may be surprise to learn that his wife actually appreciates a different approach than the one he is now taking of shying away from her or jumping into the gutter for a fight with her.
Cabinetman · 590 weeks ago
No doubt we don't want to be abusive in the least. But as is suggested here what passes for abuse these days is almost anything that doesn't make a wife happy.
I would go a bit further than you go because you say "if she appreciates it"...I think in a way you again aren't the head if you are only doing it when she appreciates it. Once agian she is in control even as she is out of control. I know you are walking on eggshells here, as is needed in this day and age but if you aren't being mean or abusive (and can we agree just because a wife doesn't "appreciate" in that moment does not make it abuse?) I don't think it's necessarily her choice in that moment. That said, talk about vulnerability because as a man you are very much at risk of going to jail, and losing your marriage & kids (and house and half of your income) for that very act. That's vulnerable. You are loving your wife even when she can bring the whacked out legal system down on you hard. We are agreeing she is not being hurt in the least, right? The only one in this situation who has a chance to get hurt is the husband...and yet he does it anyway because it is what is best for his wife and because he truly loves her as Christ loves the church. I hope the women reading this realize this very point. He might be using his strength, but he is the one who is willing to die for her at that moment and give up all that is important to him.
Cabinetman · 590 weeks ago
It would be great if she appreciates it, but my guess is it's going to take time for most women to come to appreciate this and that would not be the immediate reaction the first time this happened.
Whether it's PC or not, we give up much control when we get married. One cannot be "one flesh" and yet be in control. One cannot be a head without having some control of the body, it just doesn't work that way. Even the head gives up some control. As a man, I like to look at naked women. Always have. But my heart's desire is to only desire for my wife. I know that I have my moments of weakness so my wife has complete control of the internet (& TV), going so far as logging me on & off the computer. I'm a grown man, yet I give up that control because I love my wife & want what is best for her & the Lord, no matter what my flesh desires at a moment in time. She has control over me in this very important and sensitive area. Here I am running a million dollar business and most of my customers are "techies" and yet I cannot email without my wives help. I could be up in arms...but I'm not. In fact I asked her and gave her permission to do exactly that years ago. If your husband doesn't have the right to hold his wife but for a moment "so that she cannot escape" is he truly the head? Does he in fact have any authority whatsoever in the marriage? Sounds to me like he probably does not.
Ken · 590 weeks ago
If Lori is like most women, she believed deeply in the concept of intimacy and being one with her husband, but she wanted it on her terms. Most Christian husbands soon find out that achieving such intimacy means for them being on a non-stop treadmill of trying harder top please his wife, yet always failing in one way or another.
If you will just help with dishes... just walk with me... just give me a foot massage... just learn who I am and treat me the way I want to be treated... then we can have a great marriage!
So most Christian men try... I mean are we not supposed to love our wife as Christ loves the church! It is years later that we discover such an approach is not really getting to the heart of intimacy because the man gave up control to his wife.
Pleasing each other is the key, and deciding to do things God's ways. To allow a husband to be in control does not mean he should be controlling. Lori gets 99% of everything she wants from me because I love her and want to please her. But what really takes us to a place of harmony, intimacy and oneness is that she trust me that the 1% is OK, or if it became 10%, its OK, or if it became 50% its OK, because she trusts me, over her own thoughts and desires. You cannot have vulnerability without trust, and you cannot have intimacy apart from vulnerability.
"Is not vulnerability to love with your whole heart even when there is no guarantee that your love will be returned, or even honored?" Are you scared? That's OK... just begin to explore it... no need to jump in completely until you are ready to trust God at His Word, and in turn trust your spouse.
Cynthia · 590 weeks ago
I did a bit of quick research, and found this explanation of the law on assault in California:
http://www.shouselaw.com/battery.html#2
The only requirement is that there be unwanted force. That force does not need to cause harm or pain for it to be illegal.
Charlotte · 590 weeks ago
Kate · 590 weeks ago
Whilst we dont have the submissive marriage that I know Lori advocates for, my husband has always been my protector. He is physically larger and stronger than I am and I love knowing that he will protect me. Part of that protection is protecting me from myself and on one occasion he has had to give me the "bear hug" during a moment of intense grief. At no point do I see what he did as abusive and I dont think this is what you meant in your post Ken.
I thank God everyday for my wonderful husband and that we can be so vulnerable together. Hoping you are well Lori
Ken · 590 weeks ago
You and your husband seem proof perfect of what I was trying to say in the post. I do not expect hat every husband is to bear hug his wife, or do anything physical with her if it will not prove effective. But I know there are many wives, and perhaps husbands, who can get so stressed out, so upset, so feeling out of control, for one reason or another, even hormones, that they respond well to a brief pause in their control.
Such people, including myself at times in my life, just want a brief respite from trying to deal with everything on our own. We need to know that our spouse is not just arms length away, but is in our space and time, distracting us from our often self created stresses and anxieties.
The ideal is that a couple discuss in advance what a husband or wife should do in such circumstances and I believe that many wives and husbands would respond well to a physical approach to dealing with such trying or out of control times. Allowing a husband leeway to decide how to deal with his wife is part of submission and vulnerability.
When your husband just held you tight in your moments of grief he took from you the sense that you had to be in control and deal with the grief and issues all on your own. He may have in a sense pushed the reset button for you so that you could reset your emotions and perspectives having felt his nearness and strength .
There is something beautiful about a man loving his wife enough to not just walk away from a fight or her misbehavior, not just walk away from her grief, but to go towards her and hold her long enough for her to know that he is with her in this battle. For those who have never been out of control with grief, or anxiety, or raging hormones, they may not be able to understand this.
I have been told by some that they actually act out precisely because they crave their husband's strength, and they are so disappointed when all he does is walk away. They are conflicted in their own selves because on the one hand the want to be in control, and on the other hand they long to have someone step in and give them a break from their need for self sufficiency and self protection. .
For those who are not vulnerable enough to have their husband love them in this way, the question they must ask is what else am I protecting myself from him? How else do I not trust him? How else am I afraid of losing my control and giving it up to the man who claims to love me more than anyone else in the whole wide world?
Thanks for your comments. As you can see from some others above, they don't get it. But it is hard to understand if a couple lives with a shell of self protection in a relationship, which is the case in far too many marriages.
Ken · 590 weeks ago
Does every relationship have to play by your rules? Can you find anything in scripture that says that a husband cannot at times of high stress help his wife regain control? Is there a leadership manual in the Bible that men are to follow in being the head of their home and family which tells them exactly how to deal with these situations? Or is it best to leave this up to every godly husband to lead his family as he believes is proper, good and loving, so long as no physical abuse takes place?
Danielle, if such an approach I suggested did not work with a wife, then a godly husband would not try it again. If a wife said she would not appreciate it he may never try it at all. But if your husband cannot do what was in the illustration to you without you finding it UNACCEPTABLE then I question your trust of him, or your willingness to allow him freedom to deal with you as he thinks is best. If he has to follow your rules then he is not really the leader of your marriage, is he?
One of three responses will come from a godly wife when her husband holds her for a moment in times of stress and upset:
1) They will laugh...
2) They will say they do not like it and ask it not happen again.
3) They will appreciate their husband drawing near to them instead of his pulling away.
There is no other than these three options for a godly wife. Now if you want to talk about a worldly wife's response... go for it. The post is directed to wives who are exploring what Christian submission to a husband means in their marriage.
Anne · 590 weeks ago
Anne · 590 weeks ago
Ken · 590 weeks ago
When you write a post on vulnerability you know the politically correct group and come running to detract from the message in any way that they can. Yet, I know that for some they would get the message and process it.
Change i human behavior is tough, but our job is to take the first step and ask the Lord to be in the process with us. Most good spouses are not looking for the other to be perfect, but we do want them to try to make necessary changes. Your husband will love your efforts, and God will bless them.
I had some bad habits that I needed changing with Lori, and I asked her to help me with the changes by holding me accountable. The first few times she said something and caught me I got upset and stormed off, BUT I quickly began to process the decisions I made to change my behavior and came back ten minutes later with an apology. Growth and change often do not happen overnight, but in time, once the decision is made, the change will occur, and your relationships will blossom.
Thanks again for your kind words, and know that the Lord blesses even our most feeble attempts at trying to please Him.
Maggie · 590 weeks ago
This EXACT type of teaching is what led me for ten horrible years to foster and support my husband's sin. It's wrong. It is extra Biblical. It is dangerous (and if you don't care about the woman's side of it, consider that advising such an action could get a man jailed, if his wife did not appreciate it). I am very sad for all women who married men who don't have the capacity to think beyond the two options of either neglect or physical restraint. There are many wonderfully healthy responses to a sad and upset wife that don't fall into either category.
Ken · 590 weeks ago
Such a husband indeed needs help and if you are bigger and stronger than he is, go for it. Pin him or give him a bear hug. You bet what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Actually, I would be tougher on a husband than a wife in such circumstances.
The issue for you is what can you do? It sounds like he is not a Christian, correct? In that case your options become limited. If he is a Christian you have the option to go speak to your elders and seek help. You certainly should go and get some help if this has been an ongoing thing for so many years.
The premise of Lori's blog begins with the thought that those who follow her desire to do things according to God's Word. Many are Christians and both husband and wife want to learn how to have a great marriage God’s way. If your husband is not interested in following God’s ways then you can only appeal to man’s ways and see how they work. So let me know if he claims to be Christian or not. It makes a big difference in how you deal with him. I will give it a try, but this is well beyond my experience and knowledge, so seek someone who has successfully dealt with this before.
To change behavior you must first change one’s thinking. Can I assume that during your good times you have tried to explore with him his bad behavior and how it impacts you? Can I assume you have asked him politely to stop throwing his temper tantrums even before they are thrown and told him that when he does you will leave him alone and go to another room, or leave the home?
If your out of control man has no chance on his own to regain control you have the choice of staying with him and keep working on his bad thinking, or separate. Leaving him for a time can get him to begin to think through what is important. Separation sometimes leads to divorce and sometimes it leads to reconciliation on new terms.
I wish you the best, but your situation is so difficult. Can you trust God that he has you with him still for a purpose? Seek wise counsel, and yes, if he will let you take him to the woodshed after every tantrum, go for it! Ask him how he wants you to treat him when he acts like a child and see if he will respond at least to a dialogue about his poor behavior. Getting him to talk about it is the first step to change… and ask a lot of questions. Few statements just questions.
“Honey, what can I do when you are so upset that you are throwing things?”
“Do you care about me and my feelings at all during these times or does your rage consume you?”
“Is there anything I can do to help minimize your outbursts or keep from escalating them?”
“Some couples us code words when they feel the situation deteriorating into a big outburst. Is there anything I can say that might help you regain control?”
“I love you, and I love so many qualities about you, but I need you to tell me how I should handle your behaviors. Do you think it is fair to me that I have to walk on eggshells around you much of the time?”
“Do you love me or care about me? Is this life with you so upset all the time fair to me? If so, will you go with me to a counselor to talk about some of these things?”
Ask probing questions and help him explore is own mind, because that is from where the behavior comes. To change behavior we most often have to find something more important to us than the behavior itself. Right now he loves acting out because it does something for him. Find out the lies he is telling himself and replace them with the truth, ideally God’s truths, so his mind can be set free.
Katy · 590 weeks ago
The only scenario that might make sense for my husband to pin me to a wall (even momentarily) or bear hug me to restrain me would be if I were in some sort of psychotic episode threatening to hurt myself or others. (That hasn't happened, by the way).
How can you reconcile counsel like that with a bible that reads that a husband should love his wife as he loves his own body and "treat them with respect as the weaker partner and heirs with you of the gracious gift of life..." I know my husband is physically stronger than I am. He is a man after all. It wouldn't seem respectful to me as the weaker partner to use his size and strength in that manner to voice disapproval.
Moreover, since vulnerability is something that we have to cultivate ourselves (even with the help of our spouse), only the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts could change us. It's God's kindness that brings us to repentance. Not our husbands pinning us against a wall. I believe the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, but I don't recall a time in the bible when Jesus Christ physically asserted himself upon another person. (Turning the tables over in righteous anger is the only thing that comes to mind, but it still wasn't body-on-body contact).
I will say this: I don't think what you described here constitutes "abuse." BUT, I also don't think spanking my child for the purpose of discipline/correction is abusive. Would you ever counsel a husband to spank his wife? (I hope your answer is "no" on that). I only ask because even IF it isn't "abusive" to pin your wife against a wall and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, it still doesn't seem like an action that would cultivate her trust in you...
Cindy · 590 weeks ago
Kim · 590 weeks ago
Lady Virtue · 588 weeks ago