Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Taken Out Of Context



A very popular blogger and writer wrote this about the Pearls years ago, I am not faithfully, unfailingly obedient.  I fail...miserably.  Often.  You know it, Lord.  The letters on the screen eddy in pools of tears, testifying. Then why did I ever think our children could be perfectly obedient?  100% of the time?  I read and understood:  "If he {disobeys}, spring into the room with your little switch and pop him on the bare legs one or two times.  No anger on your part - no raised voices.  Just make it more pleasant to stay in bed.  Never allow him to get his way...Train them right and they will always obey." {NGJ, Vol. 1 pg 7}  Always?  Unwavering obedience?  And if not, were more switches necessary?  That seemed to be the Pearl premise.

I found where she quoted from and I am going to give you the context.  Michael Pearl said he has seen hundreds of quotes given by him and the majority of them were completely taken out of context or plain wrong.  In this illustration, he is painting a picture of a child who will not stay in his bed at bedtime.  He is always getting up.  One of our children did this very thing and this method worked beautifully for us.  It took one long evening to accomplish this but he always stayed in bed after this and fell asleep.  He knew he wasn't going to win this battle.

"By your consistency, you will eventually condition the child to always submit to authority.  If there is even one area where a child is consistently rebellious, you have a child totally self-willed at heart.  If he is allowed to choose the areas of obedience, he is, in fact, never submitted to any authority but his own."

"Rather than harder spankings, I would suggest that you determine to be absolutely consistent.  Make sure that he is sleepy, and then put him to bed with a Bible story, a little hugging, and a prayer.  Be sure he knows he is to stay in bed.  Then do for him as you would want done for you - keep the house quiet so he can sleep.  Meanwhile, be very attentive.  If he gets up, when his feet hit the floor, spring into the room with your little switch and pop him on the bare let one or two times.  No anger on your part - no raised voices.  Just make it more pleasant to stay in bed.  Never allow him to get his way.  One week of consistency on your part will convince him that this business is under new management."

Colossians 3:20 states, Children, obey your parents in ALL things:  for this is well-pleasing unto the Lord.  What the Pearls teach is exactly what the Bible teaches.  God wants our obedience in all things and as we walk with Him we should be looking more like Him.  Disobedience blasphemes the Word of God so we must take disobedience and rebellion very seriously in ourselves and in our children!

If you would like to hear the Pearls give a response to the criticisms they have endured, see them interacting in person as a family, talk about their child raising practices and how happy their grown children are, you can watch them HERE.  It is absolutely worth your time!

Comments (15)

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I will agree that consistency is key with small children. In fact, they are designed to learn from consistent patterns even before they are able to learn from verbal lessons.

I have found that the tool of consistency alone, without punishment or physical pain, is enough to produce some amazing results. Let me give one example: my family is Sabbath-observant (this is not something that we feel is required for everyone, but it is something that is important in our home). For us, this means that for 24 hours each week, my kids cannot watch TV, use any electronics, write or draw, shop or expect me to drive them anywhere. They are expected to attend services, properly dressed in their best. They are also expected to help prepare the main evening meal, where we often host guests, and are completely responsible for setting the table.

Many modern American college students find it "impossible" to unplug for 24 hours. http://withoutmedia.wordpress.com/ I can assure you that my kids like their devices the rest of the week - but they know when it's time to put them away. It's always been a non-negotiable part of their routine. They don't whine or protest. We found that children as young as 2 or 3 are capable of following a routine like this, and do so quite happily if there is consistency.

On the other hand, I do worry about making things into matters of obedience, and then seeing lack of obedience as "rebelliousness", when the real issue may be something else entirely.

For example, while good sleep habits are important, some children have more difficulty sleeping on their own than others. A child who is otherwise obedient may be fearful of sleeping alone, or have more difficulty falling asleep without assistance, or be more prone to nightmares, or need more reassurance from parents at night. Such a child may seem demanding, but this very issue may be the key to discipline for them. After all, a child who wants more contact with his or her parents is likely to develop a strong bond with them, and to be particularly anxious to please them and follow their example. Even my impossible-to-sleep-train oldest daughter loves to sleep now, since she is a teenager, so it is a developmental stage that ends. The closeness of our relationship, however, is more important now than ever. I want her to be in the habit of cuddling up next to me and pouring her heart out, because it's so important to be an anchor for our children in their teens.
1 reply · active 590 weeks ago
I agree completely. Disobedience in children isn't good--but if a child is generally obedient and is consistently disobedient in one particular area, look for other problems. They may be afraid of the dark or have another problem that should be addressed before demanding strict obedience. If the problem is addressed and there are still problems, then certainly use discipline, but make sure you know whether the problem is the child or something else first.
My oldest two children responded very well to the methods described. It didn't take more than 3 ambushes to keep them in bed. So yes, it did work as a quick teaching tool. My youngest was not the same. I am ok with a spank or two, but I do have my limit on what I am comfortable with. My youngest would have required me to hit her time and time and time again. I realized that for me to carry out the same type of discipline with her would have damaged our relationship. I have learned other ways to discipline her. And yes for a long time, we put her to sleep and then would hear her get up and play with her toys for awhile before going back to bed. We figured that as long as she was quiet and in her room that it was fine. She is 4 now and goes to bed just fine without staying up. She is stubborn and likes to feel she is in control of things. If I give her choices that I'm comfortable with (do you want me to put your jacket on or do you want to do it yourself?) then I can let her choose and it reduces conflict. She is a smart girl and I know that as she grows she will be just fine. But yes submission has been difficult for her. As soon as she shows that bad attitude I address it promptly because allowing THAT is when I've noticed she spirals into really bad behavior. I'll make her sit right down wherever we are even if we're in an odd place like a grocery store.
I know the bible teaches about how important disciplining our children is, but I have heard different interpretations of "the rod" and what it really means. I am a strict mom, and my kids don't get away with anything they shouldn't. But I am able to accomplish this without spanking. I don't know much about the Pearls but I do think discipline is possible without spanking. I think spanking in MOST cases IS done out of anger, even though it shouldn't be. And unfortunately I think those situations do cause damage to children. I'm still fairly new at the motherhood game though, so I'm no expert. :) Always learning! :)
1 reply · active 590 weeks ago
I've been in the motherhood game for over 30 years. You don't have to spank a kid (or use a switch) to get a child to behave. Sending our kids to their room, taking away a thing they like, tone of voice, removing them from the situation in which they are misbehaving, etc. are just as effective if you use that as punishment from the beginning. Using a 'rod' is not necessarily using a physical instrument of applying punishment. Not if done effectively using other behavior methods. My oldest child (now age 30) has Down syndrome (severe) and even HE can be disciplined and knows right from wrong and I have never had to use a switch!!!
Lori, I was curious to see what you were writing about today, as a couple hours ago I had a strong impression to share a thought with you. I & some of my young adults were viewing Amish documentaries on You Tube over the holiday. I was surprised that my children were quite fascinated with some of the Amish testimonies, but I know we strongly relate to that culture as when I was home schooling & raising a large family, we were considered very counter culture in our neighborhood. I agree with discipline whole heartedly, but above the discipline MUST be love! The young Amish father in "A Secret Life", couldn't wait to purchase his own farm after working construction for some years & saving money. His main motivation was that when his children were home from school, he thought about them & felt he belonged WITH them. I highly recommend that you search for that video...this young family's testimony is priceless! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
1 reply · active 590 weeks ago
I will try and watch it soon, Cynthia. It sounds great!
"make sure that he is sleepy" I think that is the key phrase that pops out at me. I have a son who is 3 and he would not sleep. He shares a room with his other brothers and he was disruptive sometimes for hours. We learned that he just was not sleepy yet. So we put his brothers to bed at 8pm. They fall asleep within minutes and we put our 3 year old to bed at 9pm and then he falls asleep within minutes. Problem solved.

I have never read the Pearls book. All this fuss about it makes me want to buy it and read it though.
I just watched the Pearl video on your link Lori.... this beautiful Spirit filled family is amazing & I cried a lot! Yes, this man definitely loves his wife & children! I have to pray & process this because I was not loved by a father as a child & I know I still carry some issues from that, but I know God uses our weaknesses for His glory & it was not a mistake that He allowed serious trials in my life, even as a young child. I'm just trusting Him to bring much good out of all that. I can see why you love this family! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
1 reply · active 590 weeks ago
I am so happy you watched this video. They have been so badly maligned and it is all so unjustified! I know if people would see them and listen to them, they would love them just as much as I do!
I watched the video and learned so much!! They clearly adore eachother and their children. They set an excellent example of how close knit I want my own family to be after the kids are grown. Training is biblical and proven to be a good thing!
Blessings,
Leslie
1 reply · active 590 weeks ago
Thank you for watching, Leslie. I SOOO wish I would have learned from them when I was a young mother and wife. I would have done so many things differently.
I watched the video. Michael Pearl looks really scary to me. :/ He doesn't exude warmth. His wife does though. His kids seem fine I guess. I watched some of his other videos too and he just seems like a wild backwoodsman. Have you visited raisinggodlytomatoes.com? I like her approach. Although the way she advocates separating the kids from others is too extreme for me, I 've found her site really helpful when I'm having a discipline challenge.
2 replies · active 589 weeks ago
We spent a week with them once. Michael is a bit gruff but he laughs and smiles a lot.. When we sing hymns, he has his hands lifted to the Lord and tears are usually streaming down his cheeks. Many times during the week, when he would talk about God's great love for us, He would get choked up. All men don't need to look and act the same. He is man's man but definitely has a very soft side.
The Raising Godly Tomatoes author says that she pulled many of her ideas from the Pearls. She even recommends their books on her website. http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/links.php

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