Go To Bed Angry

I shock couples when I tell them it’s better to go to bed angry than force a make-up before bedtime. When tensions arise in a relationship, her hormones encourage her to talk more, but his hormones are designed for fight or flight -- not a good combination when both of them are already tired. It’s better to let things cool off and tell your partner you want to talk about it later, even if that means in the morning. 

John Gray, Ph.D., author of the Mars/Venus series

This is the advice being given to couples today.  If a man's hormones are designed for fight or flight {which I think it a very crucial thing for women to understand}, my advice would be to stop arguing with him and fighting with him. He doesn't want you to be his competitor.  He wants you to be his wife.  His companion. 

Instead of learning conflict resolution, how about obeying these verses from Scripture ~

 And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome
but kind to everyone,
able to teach,
patiently enduring evil.

II Timothy 2:24

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.        

Proverbs 10:12

It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife,
but every fool will be quarreling.        

Proverbs 20:3

So instead of listening to the teachers of this day and age, listen to the advice from God Himself, the author of wisdom.  Don't go to bed angry.  Don't quarrel and argue.  Be at peace with your husband.  This is a much better way to live.

Coming Home To An Empty House

Dr. James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, was on CNN.  He is concerned about the state of the family today. He thinks children coming home to empty houses is a very bad thing. I agree with him.

I had friends growing up that had both parents working and came home to empty houses. I liked it. We could eat whatever we wanted and watch as much television as we wanted.  However, there was a coldness about the house.

My mom was always home full-time. There was a warmth about our home. Friends loved coming over to our house. My mom kept watch over our home. I always knew she would be there.

Children need someone at home. Left to their own devices they can get in a lot of trouble.  We are commanded to train up our children. This is addressed to parents, not day-care or babysitters. God knew the importance of parents raising and training their children.

It takes a lot of work and time to train them in the ways of the Lord. It takes diligence to protect them from the arrows of the enemy.  It takes time for them to see godly parents modeled to them, after all, our actions speak a lot louder than our words but many words must be spoken to raise wise children.

Do everything you can to make sure your children don't come home to an empty house.  They need someone to protect them from themselves. They need guidance and loving care.  They need you. Nobody can take the place of parents. Children would much rather come home to a very humble home with a parent in it than a gorgeous, empty large one.

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children,
and shall talk of them when you sit in your house,
and when you walk by the way,
and when you lie down, and when you rise.
Deuteronomy 6:6,7

Are You Easy To Live With?

Ask yourself this question.  Better yet, ask your husband and children this question.

Do you get offended easily?

Are you moody and complain a lot?

Do you get irritated easily when things aren't going your way?

Are you argumentative and wanting to always be right?

Do people have to walk on eggshells around you worried you may get angry?

Do you try and control people and situations?

Do you dominate conversations and interrupt others when they are speaking?

If you are easy to get along with ~

You won't get offended easily.  You will let others have their opinions and express themselves without taking everything personally.

You will learn to control your moods and learn to be thankful and content.

It will be fine if things don't go your way.  You understand that God is in control and the inconveniences are usually to teach you something important.

You will learn to not argue by biting your tongue and letting others be right.  You can express your opinions but then leave it alone.

People will be comfortable being around you knowing you accept them just the way that they are and you refuse to get angry.  Instead you are patient and gentle with them.

You let others be who they are and you want to know what other people want before making decisions.

You are a much better listener than talker.  You let people share their ideas and opinions fully and speak words that are encouraging and uplifting.

So, how did you rate?  Life is too short to make anyone else's life miserable.

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle,

and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.

Titus 3:2

Suffering Is A Part Of Life

A neighbor friend of mine, Yrena, was walking her dog and saw me on the balcony.  In the mornings, I sit on my front balcony which faces the east.  I sit in the warmth of the morning sun.  She looked up to me and told me how much patience I must have to suffer as I do.  I told her that Jesus gives me daily strength and will lead me through. 

After she left, I realized how much she has suffered in life.  Shortly after we all moved into our new homes 14 years ago, her husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She was a high-powered career woman at this time.  During his battle with the cancer, they both came to believe in Jesus.  He died shortly afterwards but those few precious months with her husband as a believer were priceless.

All of her priorities changed after believing in Jesus.  Her career was no longer her life.  She got involved in a church and taught her children the ways of God.  However, she went through several very turbulent relationships that were heart breaking for her.

Her son Eric, one of Steven's very good friends, lost his eye will surfing several years ago.  He just married an incredible, godly young woman and is preparing to be a pastor.  Her daughter, Hayley, married several years ago.  Her husband is a pastor also and they both walk with Jesus.

God has blessed her life abundantly even through her many trials.  The loss of her husband brought her, along with her children, to Jesus.  She is now married to a wonderful man.  She knows what the Bible means when it states All things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.
Romans 8:28

Everyone suffers in this life.  No one gets through pain free.  Knowing Jesus and that He has it all under control is very comforting as we go through the storms of life.

If you have surrendered yourself to Christ, your present circumstances that seem to be pressing so hard against you are the perfect tool in the Father's hand to chisel you into shape for eternity.  So trust Him and never push away the instrument He is using, or you will miss the result of His work in you life. {Streams in the Desert}

Sex Without Commitment

Sex week was celebrated at Yale, Harvard, and other universities around the nation recently.  They have decided that maybe sex classes didn't prepare students for the experience of sex, whatever that means!  I think women have been lied to for long enough.

Many macho men have always tried to convince women to have sex with them.  "If you love me, you will."  Then feminism came along and taught women that they were just like men.  They could have sex with whoever and whenever they wanted without any commitment.  So feminism became macho men's greatest ally!

Universities have tried convincing people that male and female natures are the same.  They are not.  Men's testosterone levels are from 250 to 750, while women's levels are from 25-75.  We are different.  Most men want sex a lot more than most women.  Most women do want commitment when they give sex.

Women aren't being taught all the painful consequences of promiscuity...sexual diseases, pregnancy, abortion, emotional trauma, etc.  Women suffer from sex without the commitment of marriage.  I don't care what the feminists have taught.  They were wrong and their teachings have hurt women.

You need to teach your daughters that sex is a wonderful thing created by God to be shared between a husband and a wife.  It was created to enjoy and create babies.  It was created for intimacy, the closest kind between a husband and his wife.  It is a beautiful gift she can save for her husband.

I feel sorry for all the women who have fallen for this lie that has been perpetuated upon them.  I feel sorry for all the women who have tried getting guys attention by satisfying the guy's sexual appetites.  I feel sorry for the women being used in this way.  They have been deceived.

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.        

I Corinthians 6:18

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.        

Proverbs 5:18,19

You Serve Your Husband?

If she tells people she has been working at the homeless shelter, feeding and caring for the homeless, serving them and loving on them,  they tell her that is wonderful. 

If she tells them she has been helping out at the local animal shelter, caring for the animals, cleaning out their cages, and holding them and petting them, they tell her what a great thing she is doing. 

BUT if she tells them she is loving and serving her husband, making him healthy meals, meeting his needs, and trying to please him in every way, they exclaim, "Why are you doing that?  That isn't good."

This was told to me by a young woman I have mentored.  She is shocked that people think it is fine for her to serve every one else but her husband.  She thinks it is sad.  Since she has served and loved her husband, they have an AMAZING marriage.  Her husband adores her and now does everything he can to please her.  You reap what you sow.

We are to submit to God.  This means we are to love and obey Him.  We want to please him.  We want to make Him happy.  Why should it be any different with our husbands?  Sure, our husbands aren't perfect, far from it but we are commanded by a loving God to love and obey our husbands.  Submission is a powerful word.  It has a very bad reputation in our society.  I don't care.  God's Word is as relevant today as it was hundreds of years ago.

  The submission of a good wife is a glorious thing that is intended to help her and her husband to have a contented life together. Problems in life and in marriage are more or less inevitable but when a woman is submissive to her man it is much more likely that those problems can be resolved harmoniously, without unpleasant quarrelling and without bitterness and resentment. Those people who look down on submission as if it were something demeaning, degrading or humiliating are merely showing that they have no understanding of what submission is and that they are quite ignorant of its power.

A submissive wife is one whose heart is inclined towards satisfying her husband and who has made a choice to be led by her husband, to accept his authority and to be his helper in the broad biblical sense of that word. She does not seek to please her husband because she is afraid of his rebuke or rejection or punishment, but because she delights to please him and finds satisfaction in doing so.

Submission Of Christian Wives To Their Husbands

So don't be afraid of submitting to your husband.  God tells you to submit and when you obey Him you will reap His rewards.  His rewards include peace, joy, and love.  His rewards are best!

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

Ephesians 5:22

Wise Woman, Wifey Wednesday, Women Living Well

Sharing Your Convictions

If you are a young mother raising children, I would like to encourage you not to share all of your convictions with others.  If you have convictions like not immunizing your children, allowing God to bless you with many children, not using birth control, or spanking them, keep quiet about it.

We live in tumultuous times right now.  What is right is wrong and what is wrong is right.  If you aren't doing what everyone else is doing, you are frowned upon.  If someone asks you about these issues just tell them you don't care to discuss them with others.

Everyone has opinions and they have a right to them but not everyone will approve of your opinions.  As society gets darker and farther away from biblical truths, Christians will be frowned upon and even persecuted.  We must never be afraid, however, because greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.

Raise your children to be joyful, obedient, and to love others.  As others see your well-behaved, happy children, they will see that you are doing something right.   Let the fruit of your labors witness to them instead of words.

You must be vigilant to protect your families from harm.  This is why I believe mothers need to be keepers at home.  Nobody can protect your children like you can and no one loves them like you do.

Hold your convictions firmly but quietly.  Let them just be between your husband and trusted friends and families.  Always remember that God is your protector.  If you ever feel afraid, read and meditate on Psalm 37.  There you will find comfort.

Let older women, like me, who has raised all of her children speak out on these issues.  They can't take my children away from me.  They are all joyful adults walking with Jesus.

Fret not thyself because of evildoers,

neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity. 

For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,

and wither in the green herb.

Psalm 37:1,2

Confronting Other's Sins

We were asked what we would do if our husbands watch R-rated movies with sex scenes in them.  I answered we should pray for our husband that God would convict him of his sin but nagging and complaining about it will accomplish nothing.  Another reader wrote the following comment ~

There’s a Biblical process to follow. (Matthew 18, start with verse 15.) You respectfully confront him yourself. If he doesn’t listen, you bring someone else with you. It’s NOT loving to let someone continue in sin, unconfronted. If he doesn’t repent (as the confrontation escalates) you all treat him as an unbeliever. That doesn’t mean hateful, or disdainful, but as someone who is lost and far from God.

I was wondering if she would give the same advice to a husband who wrote that his wife was not submissive to him.  Would she tell him to go through the same Matthew 18 process with his wife?  I think not.

The Matthew 18 process needs to be used very carefully.  We all struggle with sins or have areas in our lives that we are not convicted about.  Some Christians do not believe it is sin to see R-rated movies.  I have for a long time so it would be sin for me to see most R-rated movies. {I try not to be too legalistic about this, however, because some R-rated movies have no sex scenes or nudity in them.}

Many new {and old} believers don't see this as sin.  As one grows in their faith, they become more and more convicted of sin in their lives.  But to use this process on a husband one disagrees with seems far from its intent.

If a husband is having an affair, this process would be a good one to use.  But we must be very careful in judging other's sins when most of us struggle with our own.  I doubt anyone would advise using this process on the many women who are unsbumissive to their husbands and don't obey them in everything!

You must clearly state your convictions to your husband, once, but then you must leave it in the Lord's hands to convict your husband.  The Lord does a much better job of changing and convicting others than we do, especially our husbands.  We may win our husbands without a word as they watch us live a godly life.  This is the promise we have from God.

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-5

Want The Best For Others

Do you really want the best for others? Do you rejoice in the good new of others? Are you careful to think the best and hope for the best for others? If you do, you will never say a negative word about them. You will never gossip or slander them. You won't be jealous of them or worry about being treated unfairly in anything concerning them.

This isn't an easy thing or something that comes naturally. It means denying yourself and thinking more about others than you.

It means being happy when you are single and you hear of another friend getting engaged.

It means rejoicing at the news of another pregnancy when you want to be pregnant so badly.

It means delighting in the fact that someone got a new job when you have been out of work for months.

It means teaching your children that life isn’t fair.  Maybe the grandparents treated some of their grandchildren better than your children, but you teach your children to love their grandparents anyways and never speak ill of them or the children you think they treated better.

It means being content when you are laid up in bed for months with an illness but being glad for those who have good health and praying God’s blessings upon them.

It means learning to imitate Christ to others even when you feel they don’t deserve it.

It means forgiving easily and freely the boyfriend that dumped you for another girl because you want God’s best for all of you.  You believe in God’s sovereignty with your whole heart and believe He knows what is best.

If you can answer yes to all of these statements, then you really do want what is best for others.  This is a good way to live.  Teach your children to be like Jesus from a very young age and their lives and all those who know them will be blessed.

Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory;
but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.

Philippians 2:3

Disunity Is Destructive

Disunity is destructive in homes, churches, work places, team sports, government, everywhere.  God calls us to be at peace with all men as far as it depends upon us.  Pursue peace with all men. 

Few homes have unity.  The husband and wife are constantly arguing with each other.  The children are fighting, hence the term sibling rivalry.  A house divided falls.  Stop arguing with your spouse.  Train your children to not argue.  Teach them to love each other.

Few churches have unity.  There are so many arguments about doctrinal issues.  God calls us to love others not argue about doctrinal issues.  No one knows God perfectly.  We aren’t God and don’t have the mind of God.  I just know criticizing and tearing each other apart is far from the heart of God.

Few work places have unity.  As a believer, do your work heartily as to the Lord with joy in your heart.  Be a servant to your fellow workers and let the love of Jesus shine through you brightly.  One person living like Jesus can permeate a work place and change it.  Pray for your fellow workers.

Few sport teams have unity.  Teach your children to listen and obey their coaches.  Teach them to have good attitudes even when they are not being fairly treated.  Teach them to be kind and loving to their teammates.  God is pleased with this kind of behavior.

I am not sure what the solution to government is except that we are called to pray for our leaders and speak evil of no man.  If all Christians took this command seriously, our government might be in a much better place. 

So seek peace and pursue it.  Don’t let disunity destroy your marriage, your family, or your church.

Walk worthy of the vocation wherewith you are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with long-suffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:1-3

No Longer In Love

Whoever thought the time would come when you are no longer in love with the person that you said "I do" to? What happened to "'til death do us part?" The cuddling on the sofa while watching your favorite sitcom together? How did it just disappear into thin air?

{Shanae Hall, Huffington Post}

I will tell you what happened, you forgot that love is a commitment and not a feeling.  You forgot to think about his wonderful qualities and dwell on them instead of all his negative qualities.  You forgot to make it your goal in life to please him and make him happy.  You stopped laughing at his jokes and started rolling your eyes instead. 

When the children came along, they became much more important to you than him.  He wasn't the knight in shining armor that you thought he would be.  He didn't live up to your expectations and he knew it.  Instead of sharing your opinions once, you argued with him and wanted your way.

Now I can't say this happens in all marriages that fall apart, but I can bet you it is the way it happens in most of them.  If a woman isn't taught how to love her husband, it doesn't come naturally, because we are all so selfish.  We want what we want and when we want.  It isn't natural to put another's needs before our own.  It isn't natural to serve and please others.  It isn't natural to put up with all their bad habits and love them as they get old and wrinkled.

These are God's ways and His ways work.  They are what bring true joy and happiness.   Forgetting about ourselves and giving ourselves away to others is what makes a happy marriage.  Tell me of a woman who truly seeks to make her husband happy whose husband then left her.  It may happen but it seldom does.  Why would a man want to leave a wife who makes him king of his home and strives to make him happy?  Most men would die for that.

Keep your commitment to love him until death do you part.  There is something very special about growing old with one person.  Don't seek for your own happiness.  Seek for his happiness and in the process, you will be happy.

Owe no one anything, except to love each other,
for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
Romans 13:8

Obedience By Eighteen Months Old

"If you don't get obedience by the time they are eighteen months old, it is too late!"  stated a father of ten children.  I tend to agree with him.  Yes, eighteen months is young but they are little at that age and much easier to control than when they get bigger.

Children's disobedience comes out at a very young age.  We all want our own way and the sooner we learn that we can't have our own way, the easier life will be for us.

As soon as you see your child start to defy your commands to him/her, you must take quick action to make sure they obey you the first time.  One woman remarked that it was extreme to only have to say something once to your child.  She said they weren't robots.

No, they are human beings created in the image of God with the power to obey you the first time you tell them to do something.  Why not train them to do that from a very young age?  You are teaching them self-discipline and that is one of the best gifts you can give your child.

If they learn to say NO to themselves at a very young age and learn that they can't always have what they want, learning to say NO to themselves when they grow up will be much easier.  They can say ~

NO,  I don't need dessert every night. 

NO,  I am not going to have sex with you before marriage. 

NO,   I don't want to skip school and lie to my parents. 

NO,  I won't go to that movie just because every one else is.

Self-discipline is a very good thing so do your child a favor and teach them to control themselves at a very young age.  They may grow up to thank you someday.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline

drives it far from him.        

Proverbs 22:15

The picture is of Steven when he was very young, hence the poor quality!

Is He Really That Bad?

Ask yourself if your husband is really that bad.  So many of us go through life thinking our husbands are not good husbands.  Ken now says that he knew during those 23 years of a difficult marriage to me that he couldn't be wrong all the time.  We argued frequently because I wanted to be right and get my way.

My dad said to me the other day that all those years that he and mom didn't get along well, he would wonder to himself if he was really all that bad.  He felt my mom was always upset with him.  I think a lot of men must ask themselves that same question.  A lot of us are good at making our husbands feel like they are not good men.

Our expectations are too high ~

We marry thinking that they should make our lives happy,
instead of thinking how we can make their lives happy. 

We expect them to say the right things at the right times and read our minds. 

We expect them to understand our moods and be sensitive and kind to us always. 

We expect them to say wonderful things to us even when
we are doing nothing to deserve it. 

We expect them to talk to us and share their deepest feelings.

Go into marriage with no expectations on him but a lot on yourself.  Expect to love him just the way that he is and only try and change yourself.  Find out what makes him happy and start doing those things.  Only think and say positive and uplifting things about him.   Refuse to be angry and upset with him but kind and forgiving instead.

Most husbands are not bad men.  Most show their love by working hard and providing for their families.  They want to come home to a home full of love and peace, a sanctuary from the storms of life.  Be that sanctuary for him.  Realize he is not that bad.  In fact, I bet he is a pretty great guy!

For where envying and strife {arguing and quarreling} is, there is confusion and every evil work.  But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be entreated {always helpful}, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
James 3:16,17

Alphabe-Thursday

Perfected through Suffering

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4

Suffering is all around us and it is a strong reminder that we are not of this world, but instead destined to walk eternally in the glory of our Lord Jesus. Heaven is coming soon, and for some, not soon enough!

These past three weeks have been very difficult for Lori as she has had severe neck pain and burning return with a vengeance. She has been experiencing pain on a scale of 3 to 9 and one night even a 10. Much of her days are spent with hollowed out eyes and peas on her neck every 30 minutes. She moves around, but cannot do much, and especially cannot write. Fortunately, she has been prolific in her writing and most of her recent posts were previously written.

I am married to the perfect wife! Yes, Lori is everything she teaches and more. She is the perfect picture of one who wants only to please Jesus and in so doing, wants to joyfully please her husband. I am one blessed man, and no, I did not force any of this on her, as some of her detractors might say.

We had a rough, yet probably average marriage until she read Created to Be His Help Meet. That is by far the best book I have never read. When Lori started to want to please me and seek my leadership in her life, our marriage was unlocked and deep intimacy filled with respect was the result. Who would have guessed that doing things God’s way in even the things that are hard to understand could lead to abundant and unimaginable blessings?

When just one spouse is willing to give up self and selfishness to seek the best interest of the one they said they “will love til death do you part,” then a marriage has a fighting chance at success. And when God takes two who both seek to please the other, that is when a marriage develops the deep and abiding intimacy that God designed and makes growing old together a dream, instead of a nightmare.

So Lori is perfect for me, and perfected by Jesus in so many ways, even in suffering. I ask that you all pray with me that God would miraculously heal her after 25 years of on and off pain, and that we might be able to go on vacation this year together. I believe in the power of prayer, even though I do not pray as I should, and I know that some of you friends out there have a special gift and calling of the Lord to minister through prayer, and I beg your intercession on Lori’s behalf.

I love my wife dearly and hate seeing her in pain. If I could take some or all of it from her I would, but I could never hold up under its strain like Lori does… with such deep joy and the struggle to make her family’s life pleasant and enjoyable, even when she is in pain. When I ask her how she does it she will say, “My life is so hard, why should I make everyone around me miserable?”

Lori really does practice what she teaches and believes every word of her Bible. She knows that her joy comes not from circumstances, but from the One who lives inside of her. When Jesus lives in us, he never gives us more than we can handle and uses our suffering for his glory. Is that not his promise?

May God continue to use Lori to minister in many ways and may I not get in too much trouble for posting this while she sleeps tonight.  Your thoughts and prayers for Lori are all greatly appreciated.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Romans 8:18

God Fearing Families

The Bates Family is going to have their own reality show that is similar to the Duggers.  Ken taped Nightline for me the other night that showed a glimpse into the Bates' lives.  The Duggers are good friends of theirs and they would visit the Bates Family.

The Bates are expecting their 19th child.  I am always amazed when I watch these two families.  They trust God!!!  They trust God with their family size and they trust God to provide for them.  Both families walk with Jesus. 

The wives are gentle, kind, and joyful.  You can tell that they are submissive to their husbands because their husbands seem like good, strong leaders.  The husbands lead the families in singing and Bible reading.  I love watching the interaction between the couples.  It is the way it is suppose to be.

All the children appear happy and work hard.  I haven't noticed any arguing among the siblings but instead, kindness and love. 

Neither family accepts any kind of governmental assistance.  The Bates family said they would easily qualify for it but they work hard and enjoy watching God's provision for them. 

I am happy they are on television.  The stereotypical American family today is two children who argue all the time.  Parents {if there are two of them which is getting more uncommon} that argue and complain.  All they pursue is more stuff and time alone on their iPad, computer, or television.

Both families told TLC they would only be televised if their open love for Jesus was filmed.  Neither family even has a television.

I think America needs a lot more families like the Bates and the Duggers than the Kardashians and Housewives shows.  I wish I had families like this that were a strong, godly model for me when I was younger.  I was fed the lie that I should use birth control and try controlling my life and circumstances as much as possible instead of working hard, loving others, and trusting God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding. 
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5,6

You Can Always Get Divorced

I always give one piece of advice to couples who are about to be married, another piece of advice to couples who are married, and a third piece of advice to couples who are breaking up.

1} To couples about to be married:

'Don't worry. You can always get divorced'

This seems to lift their spirits because it removes the pressure;

2} To couples who are married:
'Just do what works, and don't do what doesn't work.'
It never fails to clear the fog;

3} To couples who are getting divorced:
'Next time remember: The only reason to get married is to have fun.'
This gives them a happy goal!

{E. Jean Carroll, advice columnist for ELLE magazine}

If this is the advice couples are following today, no wonder marriage is in so much trouble.  When Ken and I got married, we decided the word divorce would not ever be in our vocabulary and we would never threaten each other with divorce.  We were in it for the long haul, for better or for worse.

There is comfort in deciding this in a marriage.  Marriage should be about commitment,  a commitment until death do you part.  There should be pressure when looking for a spouse knowing that it will last a lifetime.  Find a godly spouse with deep roots in Jesus...an oak tree!   With Jesus as your foundation, you have a much better chance of your marriage lasting for a life time.

The only reason to get married is to have fun???  What about when your spouse gets sick for many years?  What about the time your husband has to work three jobs just to make ends meet?  What about when all of your children are sick?  To go into marriage thinking its only purpose is to have fun is ridiculous.

There will be many hard time in marriages.  Hello!  That is what is called life.  Life will always have ups and downs and the key is to weather those times together.  Be there for each other in thick and thin.  Laugh and cry with each other.  Hold onto each other.

Don't listen to the pop psychology of today unless you want to walk down the path to destruction.  God hates divorce for a reason.  Ask people who have been divorced or have been affected by it.  It hurts badly.  Do everything you can to prevent divorce.  Remember, being joyful is a choice.  It is not based on circumstances or other people.  Choose to be joyful and love your husband all the days of your life.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother
and hold fast to his wife,
and they shall become one flesh. 
Genesis 2:24

Husbands' Responsibility In Sex

Some women were very upset with me when I wrote the post about wives being obligated to have sex regularly with their husbands.  They felt I left out the husband's responsibility in the whole equation.  I just want to remind you all that I am using this blog as an older woman teaching the younger women.  I don't want the role of teaching men.  That isn't a role that God has asked me to take.

It took me so long to be a good wife because I was always reading about the husband's role in a marriage and deciding Ken wasn't living up to His God ordained role so why should I?  When I stopped evaluating Ken's role as a husband and just looked at my role, our marriage improved dramatically.

Yes, husbands shouldn't defraud their wives of sex.  The Bible commands both husbands and wives to render due benevolence {sex} to each other.  If they don't, they are defrauding each other, essentially stealing from the other one what is rightfully theirs.

Most husbands want sex more than their wives.  They have ten times the testosterone that women have so their drive is usually much stronger.  However, there are some wives that want it more than their husbands.  What advice do I have for them?

First of all, make sure you have clearly expressed your need for more sex to your husband.  If you have done that, you must leave it in God's hands.  Continue to obey God in your role of loving, serving, and pleasing your husband.  You are not responsible for him to obey God.  You are not his Holy Spirit.

As you live your life in front of him becoming more and more like Jesus, you may just win him without a word.  Also, pray a lot about it.  We are to take everything to the Lord in prayer.  Don't discuss it with your friends and relatives.  Maybe find a godly, older woman to pray with you but then trust the Lord with your life and your desires.

The only person we can change is ourselves.  No matter how hard you try to change your husband, you cannot.  You will just make the marriage worse.

In the same way, you wives,

be submissive to your own husbands

so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word,

they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.

I Peter 3:1

Wifey Wednesday, Wise Women

Obligated To Have Sex?

A question was asked on another blog what a husband should do if the wife only gives him sex once a month. I commented that he needs to pray for an older woman to teach his wife how to love her husband or for the Holy Spirit to convict her that she needs to give her husband a lot more sex. 

Another woman responded to my comment,  "As a woman, I get my back up if someone tells me that I am obligated to have sex with my husband. Excuse me? What about my rights and my happiness?"

Most people do not like being told what to do. This is why most people don't want to believe in God. They don't want anyone to tell them what to do.  They want to do things their way.

If you are a Christian, you need to have a teachable spirit and be willing to be told what to do. The Bible is full of instructions on how we are to live our lives. The young women I mentor have teachable spirits, thus their marriages and lives dramatically improve as they start obeying God.

Just because these women, and there are many of them, don't want to be told they need to be having a lot of sex with their husbands and if they don't, they're sinning, doesn't mean we should stop speaking truth. The Bible is very clear about the husbands' and wives' duty to each other so I am going to be clear also. God commands us NOT to deprive our husbands of sex. It isn't based upon our feelings but upon obeying God.

This woman only cared about her own rights and happiness.  This along with having 'hurt feelings' which women tend to get easily, all boils down to selfishness...Thinking only about yourself.  She will never find happiness as long as she is selfish and until she lays down her rights and her goals of happiness and starts serving her husband and making him happy.

God's ways are so opposite of our own feelings or what we want but when obeyed, they are the true source of joy. So always keep a teachable spirit open to God's ways because they are so good.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence {sex}:  and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife has not power of her own body, but the husband:  and likewise also the husband has not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one another...

I Corinthians 7:3-5

Getting What You Give

Do you want your husband to be more affectionate with you? 

Start being affectionate with him.

Do you want him to compliment you more often? 

Start complimenting him.

Do you want him to be more patient and kind with you? 

Start being more patient and kind with him.

Do you want a friend to call you more often? 

Start calling them more often.

Do you want others to be more generous with you? 

Start being generous with them.

Do you wish the people at your church were more friendly? 

Start being friendly with them.

God's Word works.  He tells us that we reap what we sow.

If we sow kindness, we will reap kindness.

If we sow generosity, we will reap generosity.

If we sow joy and happiness, we will reap joy and happiness.

Don't sow seeds of discontentment, complaining, impatience, selfishness, etc.  These are not things you want to reap.  Jesus told us that if we love Him, we will keep His commands and they are not burdensome.  They are for our good and for all those around us.

Be not deceived; God is not mocked:
for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap.

Galatians 6:7

Simple Things, Inspire Me Monday, Hear It On Sunday,
Multitudes On Mondays, Metamorphosis Monday, Women In The Word

The Most Unhappy People

Selfish people are the unhappiest people on the face of the earth.  They suppose that joy is found in owning things and getting their way, yes they are deceived and do not know the truth.  Real life is not about what we own, but what we give. 

{Joyce Meyer}

I mentor many women.  Those who refuse to love their husbands can't be helped.  They see their husbands as being the sole problem in their marriage.  Yes, maybe he isn't a great husband but you are still commanded by God to love him.  If you continue to not love your husband, you will never be happy.

The reason they don't want to love their husband is selfishness.  They want to cling to their rights and how they feel they should be treated.  They only have their eyes on themselves instead of on God.  The best thing they could do was to forget about themselves and their feelings and focus upon God and what He tells them to do.

I am commanded by God to teach the young women to love their husbands, whether he is a christian or not.  That is what I do.  God doesn't give us any commands that we are unable to fulfill.  He works powerfully in us to accomplish His will.  You will never be happy until you obey God, until you love your husband.

No, it isn't going to be easy but it does get easier the more you practice loving him.  The most important thing you can do is change your thinking.  Stop thinking negative thought about him and only good thoughts.  Renew your mind with God's Word.

I think the opposite of love isn't only hate, but selfishness.  We are called to be living sacrifices, deny ourselves, and to serve others.  This must include our husbands.  For some reason, a lot of women just don't see this clearly.  I know I didn't for many years.

So begin to be generous with your husband, especially with your love.  Start showering him with love.  Obey God.  God wants your best.  By obeying him, you will be a MUCH happier person.

And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one towards another, and toward ALL men, even as we do towards you.

I Thessalonians 3:12

Sophia Loren On Motherhood

This was written over 30 years ago by the very famous actress Sophia Loren in her book Women And Beauty.

You may have guessed by now that I believe that motherhood is the greatest role of my life. Nothing, not even winning an Oscar, can compete with the pleasure and sense of accomplishment it has given me. I believe that all women feel an instinctive urge to make a family. Some women may use this desire creatively in their work or by living lives devoted to ideas. For me, nothing could substitute for motherhood.

When I became pregnant, my concern for my career evaporated. Nothing mattered to me but my baby. If necessary, I would have given up my work to have a child. If this means I am not modern, then I am not modern. I believe an infant needs to be with its mother as much as possible. 

This closeness, the endless flow of attention are the accumulation of love that a child carries through his life as a heritage. If you are lucky, your early childhood memories are intense, warm moments of love, of security, of your mother watching you or helping you. 

It seems to me that people with these happy memories are content as adults because they can still recall the powerful security of being totally loved, while those with memories of being frightened and abandoned find it difficult to find real peace and happiness.

I am aware of the implications of what I am saying, and to be honest, a part of me hopes that it is not true. I know that many women today leave their babies at an early age to go back to work. 

I truly hope that these children will grow up joyful and that my ideas are outdated. But I wouldn't be honest if I said that I thought a few hours in the evening after a day's work could substitute for day after day spent with your baby.

If you share this desire for children and a yearning to be with them, don't worry about not being modern. Follow your instincts and enjoy your children to the fullest. If you feel secure in your pleasure at being a mother, your children will sense it and life will be easier and happier for the whole family.  {pg. 184}

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be...keepers at home.
Titus 2:5