Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Men Doing Housework


My husband and sons have never done much housework.  I never expected them to and I didn't teach my sons how to do much of it.  They made their beds and learned how to run the washer and dryer.  They would put their dishes in the dishwasher sometimes.  I felt like I really failed in this area.  Several other people told me I should have taught them housework and they felt sorry for their future wives!

 Dennis Prager has a male/female hour every week.  On a recent program, he said that we shouldn't expect the males in our life to do much housework because most men don't think it is a masculine thing to do.  Wow!  Maybe I wasn't so far off base!

Studies have shown that when household chores are split, divorce is much higher.  It is good for a wife to be home full-time to take care of the children and home so the husband has a safe, peaceful place to come home to after a long day of work.

 The Bible does say several places that women are to be keepers at home, guide the home, etc.  All of the Proverbs 31 woman's work revolved around the home.  The man's job is to provide a living for the family.  It is pretty clear in Scripture what the ideal roles are for a family.  We should always strive for the ideal and teach it.

 I know some husbands love to help with the housework.  Ken had to do quite a bit when I was sick and pregnant or ill.  Steven lives on his own now and does a pretty good job at keeping his apartment clean but it is definitely not his thing!  Ryan has had to learn to help when Erin is sick.  They all do housework when needed but they sure would love to be doing other things!

 However,  I enjoy taking care of the home.  God has blessed me with a nice home and wonderful family.  I feel like it is my job to take care of it.  Most women need to learn to enjoy it since it is definitely a feminine role.

So please don't destroy your marriage if your husband doesn't do much housework.  Don't ever nag him or complain about it.  Do your work willingly as to the Lord.  Decide that this is your job and you will do it to the best of your ability.  If he helps, great and if not, that is fine also.

Young women are to be discreet, chaste,
keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands,
that the word of God be not blasphemed.
Titus 2:5
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Posted by Always Learning at 6:00 AM
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Emily's avatar

Emily · 628 weeks ago

Love this! I don't expect or ask my husband to do any housework. I don't want him to either- I want him to be able to relax and enjoy our family while he's home. The only work he does around the house is yard work. It works out quite nicely for us. We only have one daughter so far, but when she's old enough she will help me and any future sons would help my husband. I love that my husband truly loves coming home and he knows that our house will be clean, our daughter and I will be dressed, supper will be started, and I will have a glass of iced tea waiting for him.
1 reply · active 613 weeks ago
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Emily · 628 weeks ago

We have an agreement...inside is my job, outside is his! He does upkeep on our house, takes out the trash and mows the lawn. I learned a long time ago that he just will not do housework. He would rather move to another house than clean! If I am sick, he will make sure he and the children have clean clothes, and that is about it! My friends just cannot believe he doesn't help, but our marriage was much better once I learned to just accept the fact that he will not help. Then again, I flatly refuse to mow the lawn and he accepts that!
2 replies · active 628 weeks ago
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Brit · 628 weeks ago

My marriage sort of sounds like yours, Emily. My husband takes out the trash in the kitchen and all throughout the house, he mows the lawn, gets the mail and does any repairs to the house. I do everything else because I enjoy it. My husband does help after supper with dishes though. It gets done in half the time so we have ther rest of the evening to have fun as a family. He also does EVERYTHING when I'm sick and especially during my last pregnancy.

I guess where I differ is that while I will have my boys help their dad with outside chores, I will also expect and teach them inside chores. There is much more of it, and I want all of my children to learn how to work hard, how to be a helper to their wifes when they need it in the future, how to take care of themselves if they ever live on their own, and how to serve with a good attitude even when it's something you don't want to do. If we lived on a farm where there was a lot of outside work that would be different, but living in the city there is A LOT more inside work that is needed. I'm not going to allow my boys to sit around while my daughters have to continue to hold a lot more of the chore burden.
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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Debbie Hogue · 628 weeks ago

I agree that housekeeping is my job as wife/mother. However, I did teach my sons how to cook and clean, and my daughters how to change a tire and use basic hand tools. As more and more colleges are changing from dorms to apartments I feel they should be prepared and able to take care of themselves until God sends that one designed to be their life partner.
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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MBB · 628 weeks ago

I find this interesting that younger married women like myself are "ok" with this. I feel like Emily also. I finally realized it is just NOT his thing to clean. As a matter of fact, it doesn't bother him to have a messy house. I finally figured that one out also, hence the not really feeling like cleaning must go hand-in-hand. It is difficult because I lived alone for 10 years before we married. As a young adult, I prided myself knowing how to fix things around my apartment, a few things on my car. If I had time I would probably do more of that, but right now (two children under 3 years old) I am relishing in him wanting to do that stuff. I always knew I would marry someone who KNEW how to do those things and didn't mind doing them. These friends of mine whose husbands help around the house and with the baby so much...do NOT know much about cars and are not handy. To me, that is a bigger deficit. haha. An old roommate's boyfriend wouldn't even look at my car when it was broken. I not only found that un-noble, but not very helpful. They have a very matronly-led marriage, and seem happy, but I can't help but wonder how he would feel if she would be a little more submissive. Not that this is the point of your entry, I just wanted to emphasize that for me, this works, and following the Biblical ideal for marriage (while I am not always perfect with it) seems to work for me and my family. I have been taught in my childhood home to boss men around and not take orders. I was terrified of letting myself not be the leader of my home. I think it has really messed with my head. I feel much healthier this way, and I love seeing my man happy. We actually had this discussion in my Sunday School class yesterday and I just kept quiet. I knew my views wouldn't be greatly accepted. One day, when God leads me, I will share how it works for us. Thanks again, Lori, and other posters for sharing.
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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Tiffany · 628 weeks ago

I agree with you Lori, I love being the one to make my house a home. I love having the house clean, welcoming, smelling nice, when my husband comes home from work.

With that said, I will say that I am so thankful for a husband who helps out around the house. If he sees something needs to be done he will usually do it. Even though I am the one who keeps up on most things I like that he's not ashamed to help out when needed! And when I was sick for the first 3 months of pregnancy, he was amazing! He helps out so much and I really appreciate him!
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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misti · 628 weeks ago

I think for the "most part" it is the wife's job to do the inside house work. However, all men should be able to/ comfortable doing it for that pregnant,sick, out of town, ect situation. I don't want my son to feel like he's handicapped when it comes house work. Also I think there are times that it is ok to ask (not nag) your husband for a little help. That is a truly good marriage.
If my husband asks for my help in something manly, I certainly would not say "no" bc its a manly duty......
Besides, do you know how special it is for your husband to see how busy you are with the kids and do something around the house for you just because. (and he knows how!)
Sometimes I have come home from the grocery store and found my husband vacuuming and I just wanna shower him with kisses :)
-blessings
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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Victoria · 628 weeks ago

The sad thing is most women aren't encouraged anymore to cook and clean and take care of their home. I am sure it is probably harder for men than ever to find a women like this. It also seems that when a man tries to find a women who is willing to do this he is looked down upon as a sexist. I know my husband is so far from sexist. He is amazingly loving toward all people. Yet he is thankful everyday I am willing to take care of him and make him a sanctuary.

He also is amazing at helping me when I am overwhelmed or sick. I come home at least once a month to him vacuuming or finishing dishes on the weekend. He does it out of love and thankfulness for all the hard work I put in. It is wonderful but I still like doing it for him better.

I will teach my sons if I have any to help with the chores such as dishes and cleaning to make sure they can do it if they ever live on their own or have to help their wives. I will also pray from the time they are born though for a godly spouse who will be a great keeper of house and home.
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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Fran · 628 weeks ago

Lori, I don't think you should have any regrets about not pushing much housework on your boys while they were growing up. It sounds like you taught them the basics of tidying up. But more importantly, it sounds like you taught all of your children to love their Lord and serve him willingly. So in the case of your single son living on his own or your married son occasionally needing to step in when his wife is sick, your boys have already learned to have a willing and teachable spirit to do what is required of them. I'm sure most capable young men walking with Jesus are able to figure out how to live reasonably neatly in a way that honors the possessions that God has provided for them without extensive lessons on keeping the home. There is, it seems, a double standard in both the secular and the Christian world for men. Men are generally expected to be experts in car maintenance, home repair, lawn care, snow shoveling, and any other technical or labor-intensive skill. My dad did all of these things when I was growing up, and he still does. However, men are often now expected to be the authority on all of those areas and also be an expert on laundry, cooking, floor scrubbing, vacuuming, decorating, etc. This is a great burden, especially when mens' primary focus should be providingt. In my opinion, it should be considered gravy when men (fathers) help out around the home. Young men should learn car and home repair skills from their fathers and learn a servants' attitude from both parents that enables them to help out with housekeeping when really needed. I think all children should learn respect for the blessings their parents have provided them and strive to keep their clothes, room, toys, etc. reasonably neat.
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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Eleissia · 628 weeks ago

If you are happy with your arrangement, so be it. However, I very strongly that parents who do not teach their children to do housework is huge disservice to their future spouses. My husband and I have defined our own roles in our household, and not all of them fall across gender lines. I am not the only parent, and he is not the only provider. If I want something done inside or outside the house, I will most likely pick up whatever tools are needed are do it myself. If he wants a certain meal for dinner, he will most likely be the cook. He is not insulted or emasculated by my strengths, and I don't feel like I'm not doing a good enough job when he does work around the house. We have been blessed financially, and I stay at home, but we have not alway been in this place, and we may not be in the future. I will always run our home, but I can't guarantee that I will never again work outside of the house. No one knows what the future holds. Please note that I'm not trying to be insulting, but merely expressing my opinion. Every marriage takes a lot of work and a servant hearts to work out. I did not get married young, and would not have considered marrying a man who could not live on his own successfully prior to marrying me. We teach our children to love God, do well in school, be kind, be responsible, and also to clean the bathroom. Responsibility and love come in many forms, and caring for the place in which you live and the people you live with is just one form.
1 reply · active 628 weeks ago
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Eleissia · 628 weeks ago

Yep - I agree with that! I'm sure harmony in every marriage looks different.
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Mrs. Abella · 628 weeks ago

In our home, we are both home most of the time. Hubby is a disabled RN, so he is at home. He helps mostly when asked, like when I get busy doing things and need assistance. For a long while he wouldn't, then we had some major issues that showed him I realy DID need him to help with kids (3 autistic kids) and keeping the house up, especially since he's home and making messes as fast as I clean them. He had a change of heart, and is helping train the boys to be able to make a bed, vaccuum, do dishes by hand, tend to trash--little things so that they can be more independent when they're adults. The kids work together to clear the table, vac underneath (carpet in the dining room), and do odd jobs together. I don't think it's bad to give them responsibility and teach them things that they need to know when they're on their own and in their own house/apartment. Our house runs smoother, hubby has a much better appreciation for what I do day in and day out, and he feels accomplishment in doing some things and feeling needed. Each home is different, so it may not work for someone else's home..but hubby helping works in ours.
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Cathy Kennedy · 628 weeks ago

We never divided the house chores, but my DH has always been very good to pitch in without even being asked. DS will on occasion do some things without being prompted, like fold the laundry and when he's not in school then it's his job to set the trash at the curb each week.

It's nice that my husband wants to help because this is what he wants to and it makes me feel more appreciated, but a deeper appreciated for my husband swells inside. He works outside the home in a highly technical & often times stressful field and yet he thinks of ways to make my life a little easier. That's pretty special.

Of course, the Bible does command us, the wives, to be keepers of the home and this I do take pride in without fuss or reservation. I am happy to be a SAHM!

Great post! Thanks for sharing & joining my #WW linky party!
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Julie · 628 weeks ago

While I don't see housework as the ideal chores for boys, my biggest concern is to capture my sons' hearts for others from a young age. If they don't serve our family while they are young through vacuuming, taking out the trash, cleaning a bathroom, bringing in groceries, then they will be battling an innate selfishness the rest of their days.

Isn't it better to have "thinking of others" be a habit of the heart, instilled while they are young? And, as they grow they can help with fixing the car, mowing the grass, getting a job, etc. - all the more "manly" tasks. But, for now, I just want them to look outside themselves and since we aren't on a big farm, and my husband is away at an office all day, indoor chores seem to be doing just that.

I have several male friends who have admitted over the years that working full time for their families was a slap in the face and a huge reality check because their parents never required them to serve their family through chores when they were growing up.
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Shannon · 628 weeks ago

I want to teach my son and daughter to do all things well, housework AND outside work, because only God knows what life is going to bring them. I certainly don't want my children unprepared if they become widowed, care for a sick spouse, or marry later in life. And it's good for kids to learn to do things well that they dislike.
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Courtney · 628 weeks ago

I can't find the study you referenced published anywhere… which is odd. I'm a nerd and I like to look at the methodology, results, and conclusions of the original authors. :) I love reading studies about things like this, so I wish I could see his data and everything.

I have a non-Christian marriage, so maybe no one is interested in how we do things, but my husband and I divide chores evenly since we both work outside the home. Neither of us enjoys chores though! (…something I've written about before haha.)
2 replies · active 626 weeks ago
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learningtostand 18p · 628 weeks ago

I do most if not all of the housework at home. I stay home with the kids and hubby works full time so it just makes sense for it to be that way! BUT I am going to teach my son(s) to do housework. In case they live alone, or in case their wives are ever ill/injured and they need to help out! I remember having stitches and being in severe pain and having to teach my husband how to do a load of laundry because he'd never done it before! that just seems a little extreme to me :P I think it's important to teach both boys and girls how to take care of themselves around the house!
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Britt · 626 weeks ago

Personally, I feel like all this sort of depends on the relationship and other factors. If the man works and can financially provide for the family and the woman WANTS to stay at home, then so be it. If the woman works and can financially provide for the family and the man WANTS to stay at home, then so be it. If the man and the woman both want to work, that's fine. Hopefully they can adjust their schedules so they have time to spend with their family. I think it's important for both parties to have an education in case the family needs a second source of income or if both parties just want to work anyway.
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Barb · 626 weeks ago

Every family has to find what works for them, and that will look different in every home. To offer a different perspective, I'll add the following thoughts. I think that loving and serving your family is not an 8 hour a day job. I do not want my husband coming home from work to just sit around like a piece of furniture. I want him to be engaged in our family - regardless of whether that is playing a game, or cleaning up after dinner. To me, it isn't the physical act of helping with the dishes that matters to me and that I want modeled to my boys, it is his heart!! It is the fact that he recognizes that while he was hard at work all day - SO WAS I - and I am tired too. So having him WANT to lighten my load in the evenings by helping me with dinner dishes, taking out the trash, etc...speaks loudly of his genuine love for me, and his willingness to be an active participant in our family. I desperately want that modeled for my sons. I want them to know that loving and serving their wives and children is what is right, and they do not earn a free pass to sit and do nothing at home simply from bringing home a paycheck. I'm not discounting how wonderful our men are for going out and providing for us financially, but they also have a role as "husband" and "father", not just "provider". I want my boys to be well-rounded, capable, loving, and have an ability to set aside selfishness and pitch in when and where it is needed. To me, that is the very definition of family life. They need to see my husband modeling that. When Jesus washed FEET (gross), He proved that even for men, no job is beneath them, and that humbling yourself to serve others is a Christ-like characteristic.

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