Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Not Holding It Over His Head


There are many responses you can give to a husband who is involved in pornography.  You can give him ultimatums.  You can be angry and yell at him.  You can give him the silent treatment.  You may even divorce him.  However, I want to give you the response Melissa from A Heavenly Journey gives to her husband ~

I’m going to share a promise I made to my husband that totally turned a situation {relatively minor, but it was still hard and he really really struggled with it} completely around: “I will always forgive you, and I will never hold it over your head.”

Now before anyone goes telling me I’m a doormat and letting him just get away with everything let me explain. Whenever my husband’s issue came up it brought along crushing guilt and shame for him. If I wanted to help him, I needed to not contribute to it. So by making that promise I took a heavy burden off his shoulders and whaddya know, it became easier for him to deal with his issue. He felt enough shame and guilt. He didn’t need it from me too. Did I still get angry and feel hurt? Absolutely. I’m human. And he knows it. But I kept my promise.

Allow me to share one more thing. Something our pastor said during a sermon that really stuck with both of us. “Are you going to make decisions out of fear or faith?” He was talking about parenting but it applies to EVERYTHING. I get that you’re worried and afraid and I don’t blame you. But when it gets to the point that it’s consuming you like it is, it’s time to take a step back. God is bigger than all the fears. Are you going to let the fear drive you, or are you going to turn to faith?

Everything in our life boils down to faith.  Do we really trust God with our life and with others?  Do we trust Him to change others or do we feel the need to do it ourselves?  He commands that we forgive others 70 times seven times.  Does this even apply to our husbands?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And lean not unto your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
A He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5,6

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Posted by Always Learning at 6:00 AM
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Dr. Carletta Griffin's avatar - Go to profile

Dr. Carletta Griffin · 605 weeks ago

EXCELLENT POST! WISDOM! WE MUST WALK IN LOVE AND FORGIVENESS.
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FABBY · 605 weeks ago

Forgiveness is everything and the trust in God the BIGGEST thing!!! Beautiful, and thank you so much for sharing God's wisdom with us.
Hugs,
FABBY
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Crystal · 605 weeks ago

Love this! It reminds me of something that has been bothering me for awhile, but I don't bring it up to my husband because I don't want to be a nag. I want to be forgiving. But this still bothers me, any advice..?? I caught him looking at pornography once, he said it was the first time he looked at it and call me naive if you want, but I believe him. I know God let me catch him that first time before he got too far into it! By checking the internet history after that I saw that he had been looking at local personal ads (women seeking men) on craigslist for several months! I was heartbroken. He told me he was just doing it to get a laugh out of the pictures, but I looked at those ads in the history and many of them did not have pictures. I didn't want to nag him, I know he felt terrible enough over it all, so I brought it up a couple of times and he didn't give me much to go on. He didn't really want to talk about it so I let it go. This has haunted me for two years now. I really want to know if anything ever happened besides looking online, like if he ever contacted any of those women or God forbid, met any of them. I really doubt it, but I want closure. What should I do? Should I let it go, or for my own peace of mind talk to him about it one last time? My husband is a wonderful Godly man and I do trust him and 99% of me believes him when he says he would never cheat on me, but part of me wants to get to the bottom of what exactly happened. I don't want to be a nag, but I don't want these "what if's" to continue plaguing me for years to come. For what it's worth, if he did have an affair I would be absolutely devastated but I would forgive him.
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Lori Alexander's avatar - Go to profile

Lori Alexander 122p · 605 weeks ago

If he is a wonderful Godly man and this all happened 2 years ago, you need to simply give it all to the Lord and forgive your husband completely. If there is anything more to tell, allow the Holy Spirit to convict and change him. This is not your job. Your ministry is to love, serve, and please your husband. You will find much joy in that, not in pondering the "what ifs."
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Ken · 605 weeks ago

Lori is probably right, but as her husband, I would not mind if she asked me about anything, especially if it is bothering her and she feels like she needs resolution. I even encourage her to ask me about anything and everything.

Certainly how you ask becomes important, but for you to say to him, "I was wondering if you are struggling with any porn issues and if so if you would like me to help hold you accountable by asking from time to time how you are doing. I don't need the details, but if you need my support and prayers I would love to give them. I understand how hard this area of life can be for many men."

If he says no, no problem, then you have some closure. If he is a godly man, he may want and need your help to conquer his sins.

Wouldn't it be fun for husbands to have a nagging wife come ask for .help with her struggles and he graciously and lovingly forgives and helps hold her accountable?

Marriage... this is what it is all about... "when one falls the other is there to pick them up," not condemn them, but pick them up!
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Ceil · 605 weeks ago

Hi Lori! This is my first visit to your blog!

Wow. What a testament to faith. I guess this is what God does, he loves us and loves us until we are ready to change. You are asking all of us to be more like Christ, and that is good advice!

So nice to meet you today :)
Ceil
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Rhona · 586 weeks ago

While I admire the strength and graciousness of this lovely lady towards her husband, I cannot agree that this is THE only way to deal with this situation. I have been married for 10 years now to a man who has battled this addiction for almost 30 years. He experiences a small amount of shame and guilt but mostly uses God's grace as a justification for his actions. I have told him while I will not divorce him, I do want to leave and would like some sort of separation. He has all the attributes of an addict and very little self control. He gets upset and says that I am the one who wants to leave therefore he is not in the wrong as he wants to stay in the marriage. I beg to differ, because every time he turns on the computer, he leaves me. He has "left me" many times. I am pregnant with my 4th child and do not want this type of thing in our home or marriage. It makes everything a sham, a lie and brings defilement in my opinion. It undermines our marriage and makes all his (my husbands) promises null and void. It is exactly the same as if I brought another man into our home and slept with him in our bed. I understand that while many women are able to accept it and carry on, I am not. I have offered help, prayer, support, suggestions to get help but he has acted on none of this. Praise God the Holy Spirit spoke to me 6 years ago and told me " This is not your problem, it is his problem" otherwise I would have succumbed to guilt, condemnation and the false belief that I am somewhat responsible for his decisions. To speak of a porn addiction as if it were "minor" I believe is a gross understatement. It destroys, lives, marriages and families. The victims are not only the addicts but the wives and children as well. Please, I implore any other ladies going through this, help your husband in whatever capacity you are able but do not accept the lie that you are somehow responsible for these kind of actions because of any of your "shortcomings" or "failures" as a wife. You could be the most amazing, beautiful, perfect woman, wife, whatever and he would still prefer porn. Trust me.

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