Saturday, December 28, 2013

Privileged To Be A Doormat


Most women, when they hear about submission, respond with, "Well, I sure don't want to be a doormat!"  One of my readers recently wrote this on one of my posts ~

  "Doormats serve a very specific and even edifying purpose, do they not?  What if the doormat said, 'I don't want to be a doormat anymore' in a grumbling, complaining attitude?  Then what would the floors of the house look like?  All manner of dirt and filth from the outside world would be spread throughout our homes.  But if the doormat takes pride in serving the home, filtering it of all the junk that would otherwise enter that home, then I say, 'God, would you allow me to count it a privilege to be a doormat for my home?  Can I serve my husband so that before he enters his castle, he can swipe his shoes of all the outside mess he's stepped in all day?  Would you let me count it a privilege to be that good man's doormat?"

Where in Scripture does it say to not be a doormat?  This is what the Bible says about the God of the universe whom we are to model our lives after ~

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bondservant, and being made in the likeness of men.  And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
 Philippians 2:5-9

We are so selfish, always protecting ourselves and our rights instead of becoming like Jesus, sacrificing our lives for others, and yes, even becoming a doormat for others.  He is our example.  Stop listening to the counsel of the unsaved or Christians who are not teaching God's Word.  Listen to God's Word instead and model your life upon it.

God tells us the greatest of all is the servant of all.  He calls us to be living sacrifices. {For all of you who are still concerned about physical abuse, NO, this does not include allowing physical abuse by a husband.}    God left His throne in heaven to seek and save that which was lost, namely us.   If He was a doormat for us, the least we can do is to be a happy, privileged doormat for our family.


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Lori, where does emotional abuse fit into a marriage and what God wants from me?
1 reply · active 587 weeks ago
He wants you to win your husband without a word, "Likewise {just as Christ suffered}, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the word they also may without the word be won by the conversation {lifestyle} of the wives." I Peter 3:1 Overcome evil with good, "Therefore if thine enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty give him drink: for in so doing you shall heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:20,21 Pray for him consistently and for wisdom and strength for yourself.
Wow! I would have never really looked at it like this. As usual you are right on with this. It is so easy to fall into the frame of mind of why me, I shouldn't have to be the one to suffer, and on and on. Yet, why can't we remember it is in giving that we receive? If not in this life it will be in the next one. When we here well done good and faithful SERVANT. Thanks Lori. Praying for a wonderful and blessed year for you and yours.
1 reply · active 587 weeks ago
Thank you very much, Kathy!
Great entry! I will answer the question about emotional abuse. I was for years. I found lori's blog and through prayer and complete submission, I have found peace on the other side. It is possible to overcome but in my case it required extreme tenacity of living perfectly in god's will. This means not giving up no matter how horrible the names are, or how wrongly accused you are. The bible tells us to be ridiculed for Doug His work is your treasure in heaven. I allowed myself to be a doormat, all the while combatting by reciting scriptures to plead my car but only when the time was right. It took great insight that I gained through complete saturation with God and prayer. I listened to Christian radio only and read Christian books only I didn't want the devil to be able to break my focus on God. God DOES provide peace to those who truly seek Him but you have to seek to the point of death if you truly wish for healing. I kept the scriptures about how God was a just and good God in the back of my mind. If this rang true then no way I deserved this fate. I pleaded with Him and confessed my own sins constantly. It took time but I became a proverbs 31 wife and did nothing on my own it was all God, I had no more energy, only myself as a living sacrifice. God grants blessings upon those who trust in Him. Trust in God and he will bless your marriage 10-fold. I now have a gentler husband who senses when I need help (if I am sick or having a hormonal day). Never would've thought this would happen. All I can do is praise God.
1 reply · active 587 weeks ago
Thank you for sharing your testimony! Testimonies are always powerful tools for encouragement and strength for others. Also, thank you for sharing that the post I previously posted wasn't true...I deleted it instantly even though it had a great message. Oh well...
You are so not politically correct Lori (you're welcome for the compliment, ha)! What an excellent post and a smart commenter that made the statement you quoted. It is such a paradox to serve as we are heirs to God. What a blessed example Jesus was to us in his few short years on Earth. I am always humbled when I think of him washing Judas' feet, even on the evening Judas was to betray him.

To the commenter above about emotional abuse, you hit it spot on. Without a word. Awhile ago I was trying very unsuccessfully to show some sin to someone. I thought I was being loving and tried to be very kind about it but this person's heart was just not ready. I kept pushing and bringing it up, albeit in a friendly matter but should have dropped it. Then I realized, do I think I am more powerful than the Holy Spirit? Of course not. I needed to let God handle it. I served even more and prayed even more. This was an eye opener and things improved quickly.
1 reply · active 587 weeks ago
I too have learned this lesson even with friends. Looking back I wish I would've been quiet and prayed instead of telling them of their sins. You're right, if their heart isn't ready, you'll just do no good, and probably lose a friend. Which I did. But it's in God's hands as you say. Thanks, it's been a struggle, but God's way was the ONLY way that worked. I just kept searching until I found what was the right thing to do. Divorce wasn't right, but living in misery wasn't either. I just needed the answer, and this blog was! God works in mysterious ways, and forgiveness, true forgiveness, is key. It is as if none of that happened, and we live in sync. It's not a fairytale every day, but it is a world of difference from where we were. And there's mutual respect on both parties now. I also needed to work on that. I thought I was so righteous, no I wasn't lifting my husband up either. In our own ways we both had fault. Who doesn't? I have no earthly answer, all I can say is please put your faith in a greater God who knows better than we do, and who protects us.
Where in Scripture is there an exception for physical abuse? You are making things up. God doesn't want us to suffer physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and women who endure them should leave. God loves you too much for you to endure that!
2 replies · active 587 weeks ago
What I mean by my comment above is, Scripture does not address the subject of abuse. So we have to listen to Jesus' message, which was about love. I believe in God's love to you, and I know God does not want anyone to be abused. Nor does he want anyone treated like a doormat.
Gabby, you are correct that the scriptures do not directly address the issue of abuse in a marriage. So to accuse Lori of "allowing emotional abuse" is unfair of you.

You say below that "we have to listen to Jesus' message, which was about love," but you fail to give the whole of Christ's message as he often taught of suffering to win others to Christ, and suffering for His sake.

There are many of us who could have easily given up on our marriages in the name of "emotional abuse" or because we married a predominantly selfish spouse, but that is far from what God wants for most marriages. God uses marriage not just for our happiness, but to make us more like Him. Suffering, and giving of ourselves to another, even when they do not deserve it, is part of Christ living in and through the Believer.

Because the scriptures are silent on the issue of abuse in a marriage one must seek godly counsel from a pastor and perhaps a trained Christian professional. The Bible teaches love, and it teaches us to love others who are not loving in return. It is up to each person with the help of godly advisers to decide how to best approach any issue of abuse.

Our experience in counseling within marriages is that most often, what is viewed as "abuse" and "abusive" can be mitigated or eliminated by a loving and kind response. Wives who have come to Lori seeking help from what they thought were abusive husbands often changed their perspectives and in turn won their husbands over to changed behaviors and much love.

God's ways are not politically correct in that His love always places others above ourselves. Lori has made clear that physical abuse is not to be tolerated, but emotional abuse is far more difficult to pin down as much of the abuse can be in the eye of the beholder.

I have a friend who is regularly emotionally abused by his wife the past three years, yet he keeps trying to win her. She may have emotional attachment issues and other things that do not allow her to process things logically. Is he a better man for leaving her or for spending years, if that is what it takes to win her back to the wife she once was?

Better question... "what would Jesus do?" Can you tell me that Jesus would walk away from his vows "for better or for worse" just because he was going through a severely difficult time with his wife? The god-man who died for the sins of the whole world would seek his own interest over his wife's best interest? … His happiness over holding his family together?

the more we grow up in Christ the more we realize two things. The first is that no matter where we are in life, no matter who we married, no matter what job we have, it was all by His plan and design to make us more like Him; and coupled with that we understand that He will never give us more than we can handle.

So, do not now put words in my mouth too... If a spouse chooses to separate because of abuse, and they have sought godly counsel to do so, we are not opposed. If a spouse can endure emotional abuse with a purpose to ultimately win their spouse for Jesus, and regain the love of their life... we find this to be the higher road, and in line with God's ideals. Whichever way they choose, we will love them and pray for them. We only want God's best for the lives of those around us, and God's best is always found in understanding all of His word. Following Christ into suffering is every bit a calling on our lives as is Christ's message of love.

We leave it up to each Believer to prayerfully seek God's will in each of these important issues, but we will shout the blessings of His promise that a spouse can most often "be won without a word."
Cynthia Swenson's avatar

Cynthia Swenson · 587 weeks ago

I want to pray for everyone reading this; Heavenly Father, We are so lost in our sins, the Bible says "none of us are righteous" & "while we were yet sinners Christ died for our sins'. Thank You Father, for sending Your dear Son Jesus to be our Savior. He was beaten, spit upon, His beard was yanked out, He was mocked & then He willingly gave His life by means of a gruesome, bloody death. He could have, at any time, called upon legions of angels who could have destroyed every enemy He had in a matter of seconds. The reason He willingly, endured such abuse was because our sins make us deserve hell, & this was God's way of taking our punishment on Himself so we don't have to go to hell. Father God, we are grateful for Your Son's sacrifice & we pray You will grant faith & eternal life to many of Lori's readers as they learn & believe in Your Son Jesus. Without Him, we understand nothing. I pray all this is the precious & mighty name of Jesus, Amen.
2 replies · active 587 weeks ago
Thank you, Cynthia, for such a beautiful prayer. I was away from the computer for awhile so some crude comments came through which I normally delete right away. Those who spew words like that need Jesus just like the rest of us! I feel very blessed to have you as one of my readers.
Beautiful, beautiful prayer, Cynthia. Thank you.

Happy highways,
Kelley~
Whoa, Lori. My comments about being Dave's doormat which you quoted in this post have, um, struck a cord... Oh, well. May I yet be a doormat for my husband.

I heard Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine talking about this on Family Life Today one afternoon. Bob's comments are what stirred my "doormat thoughts."

Now, I'm going to go back and read all of the other comments... Phew!

Happy anniversary and Happy New Year,
Kelley of Kelley Highway
1 reply · active 586 weeks ago
Thank you for your wonderful comment Kelley. I wrote this post awhile ago and would have linked your comment to your blog if I had remembered on what post I had gotten it! I am sorry about that. I am sure your comment blessed many people {and angered many! ;)}.

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