If you’ve been following Lori’s blog for at least several months, you’ve probably had a chance to read my story {thejoyfilledwife} and know the dynamics of my marriage and family. For those of you who are brand new here or haven’t ever read my posts, I am married to a man with a very strong personality and high expectations. I am a strong woman, but not a difficult one. I can handle confrontation well, but I definitely don’t prefer it. I’m a peacemaker at heart and am sensitive by nature, but I try not to allow my emotions control my actions. I am far from being the perfect wife, but I’m so grateful for the Word of God that guides me and shows me what I should be working toward every day. I’m also grateful for my strong husband, who doesn’t let me get away with disrespect when it comes up.
A few weeks ago, my husband was playing with one of our
children and I thought he was horseplaying too roughly. I find that, whenever I
am struggling with disrespecting my husband, it’s usually in regards to the
children. So I said to my husband in a frustrated tone {in front of our child,
I might add}: “Stop that! Don’t be so rough with them!” My husband stopped,
turned toward me and said, “I’m sure you meant to say, ‘Honey, I would like to
SUGGEST that you play more gently with them.’ ” Point taken. I was being
disrespectful in my tone, so I apologized to my husband and child and said,
“Yes, I would like to SUGGEST that you play more gently.”
The example above is admittedly more charming than what is
usually the case in situations of disrespect. There have been many times when
my disrespect was in response to my husband saying something rude to me first.
I’m sure we can all agree that it’s not right to repay sin with sin, but those
kind of scenarios are often the more frequent ones in marriage. Even in these
types of situations, my husband does not allow me to get away with disrespect.
Even the times when he has not lived up to his role as loving me like Christ
loves the Church, he doesn’t shirk his responsibility to hold me accountable for
my sin of disrespect. As you can imagine, this usually brings out of me a
“that’s not fair” response, and the desire to point out the fact that “you’re
not exactly leading by example!” Ouch. Not a respectful way to respond when
he’s sinning against me. Two wrongs don’t make a right. We have to remember
that we are not accountable for our husband’s sins, but we ARE responsible for
ours, even when we are sinning in response to being sinned against. Also, remember that our husbands, as head of the household, are held responsible by
the Lord for the state of their flocks. When a husband’s wife is living in
constant sin and rebellion, he is held to account if he is allowing that
behavior to continue unchecked. That is why, even if our husbands are unloving
to us first, they are obligated to call us out and correct our disrespect in
response. That may not FEEL fair to us, but that is what their position
requires.
If the Commander In Chief were to come on television and
make a rude and insensitive statement about a particular class of people and
the outrage over his comment manifested itself in the form of riots, vandalism,
and violence, does that exempt him from the authority -- and obligation -- to
call in the National Guard to stop the behavior? Should he, instead, say, “No,
no...I can’t tell that group of people to stop their behavior or interfere with
their activity because it was my comments that provoked them in the first
place”? Surely not! He would have a DUTY to use his authority to stop the
situation from escalating and, after the orders have been given, apologize for
the wrongful things he said.
I know it can be challenging to be second in command, particularly when our leader is a sinner just like us. But this is God’s will, God’s order, and God’s plan for our marriages. For those of you who have husbands who are not as quick as mine to correct your disrespect, I would encourage you to ask your husbands {respectfully} if they would be willing to hold you accountable when you are disrespectful toward them. Then I would implore you to thank your husband when he does correct you, even though you don’t like the way it feels, because his act of obedience to God’s Word will bring about blessings and God’s favor on your household. If your husband is provoking your disrespect by being insensitive, hurtful, and unloving, ask the Lord to help you repay evil with good, and allow the Lord to work on your husband’s heart. After all, your husband may be the leader of the household, but he will have to answer to the ultimate Commander In Chief. Pray for him to submit to that leadership daily as you fulfill your role with submission and humility. May your household be truly blessed by your obedience!
I know it can be challenging to be second in command, particularly when our leader is a sinner just like us. But this is God’s will, God’s order, and God’s plan for our marriages. For those of you who have husbands who are not as quick as mine to correct your disrespect, I would encourage you to ask your husbands {respectfully} if they would be willing to hold you accountable when you are disrespectful toward them. Then I would implore you to thank your husband when he does correct you, even though you don’t like the way it feels, because his act of obedience to God’s Word will bring about blessings and God’s favor on your household. If your husband is provoking your disrespect by being insensitive, hurtful, and unloving, ask the Lord to help you repay evil with good, and allow the Lord to work on your husband’s heart. After all, your husband may be the leader of the household, but he will have to answer to the ultimate Commander In Chief. Pray for him to submit to that leadership daily as you fulfill your role with submission and humility. May your household be truly blessed by your obedience!
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Logging you in...
Emily · 541 weeks ago
HappyHomemaker · 541 weeks ago
elspethbreathinggrace 46p · 541 weeks ago
But I'm sure you knew that.
-Elspeth
Rob · 541 weeks ago
amanhiswife 27p · 541 weeks ago
Cynthia · 541 weeks ago
One technique that I use is to say nothing initially if I'm upset or angry, esp. if we are in front of other people (including our children). I will simply suggest that we go someplace quiet for a moment, or approach him afterward. My husband wants me to let him know if something is bothering me, and not to keep it bottled up inside, so speaking privately allows us to clear the air and resolve any issues without embarrassing and disrespecting anyone.
I was a bit taken aback by the number of times that the writer talks about her husband sinning or being a sinner. I know from previous posts that her marriage has not been easy, so I understand that this is a struggle for her. It sounds like she is still wrestling with trying to respect him in her heart.
angela · 541 weeks ago
FREEINDEED · 541 weeks ago
I have been having multiple conversations with friends who believe that they are not responsible to respond lovingly if they are not treated as such.
What a blessing to have a husband who pulls you back in when you step outside where you should be. I don't think most women would identify that as a husband LOVING his wife. I think it gets labeled as control. But what he's doing is being a godly leader. And that's what we're all screaming for, right?!?
Ken · 541 weeks ago
It is tough for a godly husband to make suggestions to his wife as to how she may say things more respectfully without himself learning to be more respectful in the way he speaks to her. We should all strive to grow in this area of communications that is always to be seasoned with kindness, grace and respect.
I think that was one of the main things Lori and I did best with our children. Even when we were not good about choosing our words carefully when correcting each other, we tended towards not getting emotional or upset at most of the kids bad behavior. Instead we dealt with it quite matter of factly, even at times laughing as we sent them to the fireplace: "I can't believe you did that again. Go to the fire place." Anger and disrespect is not what we want our kids to grow up doing to others, so why not stop it everywhere in the home.
Sheree · 541 weeks ago
Ken · 541 weeks ago
My challenge to Christian couples is to first be a Christian to each other, and this is the reminder that a spouse can give to a fellow believer who is misbehaving. Either we desire to act and be like Christ or not. There is no in-between. We may not be perfect in how we act, but we can have a perfect focus in how we want to act and treat each other. Create that vision and the rest will start to fall in line for two believing spouses.
heavyheart · 541 weeks ago
that difficult wife because of sin. I do see it in myself the flesh fighting against me to win
like a game with my husband. It never satisfies, but what does is redirecting my faith that God
is in control. Eventhough I think my husband is the boss, controller, running the show I can let
that wrong temptation to bud into rotten fruit. God is the head of the household using and loving me enough to use my husband to take care of me. That has helped me to stop pray and refocus
my temptation to let me husband "have it". Treating another believer( wife )like a child most men would not treat another male believer like that. I don't see biblical scriptural support for that but lots of checking on your part. Making sure you are right with God in your heart and doing the rebuking in love with loads of Grace.
Ken · 541 weeks ago
1. Ideally you will have discussed in advance the areas that need correction and both spouses agree that accountability is a necessary and worthwhile thing.
2. Ideally the spouse who needs the correction asks for help from her husband or his wife for this repeated set of sins or poor behaviors. Yes, we as believes should want the correction after we recognize our sins against our spouse.
3. Ideally, the correction is done in a joyful way, not as punishment, but as accountability. and you correct with a smile? You bet, if your heart is not about handing out punishing words but words that will build up and edify. Part of building up and edifying is rebuke for sins and bad behavior because our spouse wants to be a better person and Christian to us.
4. If the correction blows up and either the one correcting does it in anger or the one receiving correction makes it into a big deal and turns it around on the corrector, their hearts are not right. Either we want to be Christian to each other or we do not. Christians are not demeaning or making spouses feel like children, but they are "speaking the truth in love." I think there should be extra accountability discussed and put in place between spouses if correction is not quickly acknowledged and accepted.
You will notice that I refer to correction as a two way street. I have invited Lori to correct me in in ALL areas of my life that do not match Christ's standards, and hold me accountable. Personal and Christian growth does not come quickly as an island, but much faster in community when someone who loves you is willing to show you the sin patterns in your life. I also do not believe that all husbands must ask that their wife hold them accountable. Just as, in a workplace example, my boss does not have to allow me to correct him, he should want to know what his employees are thinking about and how he can be a better boss. But his position as the boss does not mean he has to leave himself open to criticism as many times since the boss can never completely align with the desires of the employees as they have differing goals.
Ken · 541 weeks ago
I find it amusing how many who are against a husband correcting a wife in a planned and agreed upon way often live in a relationship where they negatively correct their spouse regularly. They correct out of anger, and with unkind words, and then they punish with their moods, becoming difficult or silent, and withdrawing from the relationship. Why? Because they have no mechanism in place with their spouse to correct each other in a healthy way.
Why not discuss this with your spouse and set up a system of correction that works for you? The idea that somehow we are all adults here so we do not need to correct each other is false on any personal level and doubly false from a biblical perspective. Couples will suffer for years from the poor behavior of of their spouse and never change it waiting on this "adult" to finally change their behavior or their own. If they wanted to change it, or if they saw it clearly enough to change it, it would already be changed. No, we need each other to help change the deepest and darkest of sins and consistent misbehaviors.
It is very important to understand correction by a husband to a spouse should not be an hourly or even a daily thing. It may be that at first it seems regular because exposing an ingrained sin pattern takes a lot of looks at it. But in time, the mature Christian husband may correct his wife once a week or month, and the godly wife simply responds, "I am so sorry," or "It will never happen again." The correction is over in an instant and it can no longer irritate the one who was hurt or disrespected to cause greater damage to the relationship as it festers. Expose it to the light quickly and let it heal with a kind response and apology. These are Christian principles.
Most couples are still in the "Crazy Cycle" of hurting each other and not really caring about it. They want their spouse to be an adult and not rebuke them or ask for accountability and discipline, all the while they act like children repeatedly being disrespectful, difficult, moody, unkind, lazy, (you name the repeated sin pattern), and not wanting to change it. NO, if you are a Christian God demands that you be willing to change and to rid your life of the things that are not nice or caring towards others, beginning with your spouse. Why should your spouse have to put up with your worst when they deserve your best?
So, if your spouse is treating you like a child, or correcting you for every little thing, talk about it and come to some good conclusions. Decide if you simply do not want to be corrected, or if he/she is not correcting properly. Then design a system of communications that works for you two. There is no "one size fits all," so enjoy talking this out with your spouse and while you are at it, ask them the three things that annoys them the most that you now want to be held accountable for and to change. Remember, if you could have changed it on your own, you would have by now. You need your spouse's help, just as we need the community of believers to help us grow up into Christ Jesus.
The reason this subject comes up so often is that it is the key to solving many a couples marital fighting and difficulties. Submission is not truly submission if it is unwilling to accept correction, and leadership is not good leadership if the leader himself is not willing to be constructively criticized and corrected.