Always Learning: Does Respect Equal Submission?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Does Respect Equal Submission?

It is the husband's duty to love his wife as Christ loved the church. It is the wife's duty to submit to her husband in everything....These are very tough commands.

I read many marriage books in the first 23 years of my marriage when we had a lousy marriage. I wanted to be a good wife so badly, but for some reason I missed what that missing ingredient was...

Most marriage books teach the women to respect their husbands. That is a good thing, but I don't think it has nearly the power that submission has in changing a marriage.

I was talking about this with my sister. I was telling her how most books teach on respecting your husband or becoming best friends with him, etc. instead of submission. Her comment to me was, "When you submit to your husband, he wants to become your friend." Exactly!

God used the word submission for a reason. It means unresistingly or humbly obedient. It is a much more active word than respect. The Bible does exhort women to respect their husbands once, but it exhorts women to submit and obey several times.

So on top of respecting your husband, start really submitting to him. No, it isn't easy. It takes God's Spirit working in you to be able to submit to him. You won't like his decisions all the time. You won't like what he asks you to do all the time. {And as long as they aren't contrary to God's Word and he isn't physically abusing you, you are commanded to obey him.}

This draws a man to his wife. Some say it will cause abuse. From my experience, it is exactly the opposite. It causes a man to love her more and protect her more fiercely. God KNOWS what He is talking about. He made us and wants the best for us. Submission can even win a husband without a word. Oh, the mysterious ways of God. I love them. They work. They are good.

For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

II Peter 3:5

Comments (69)

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Caroline · 685 weeks ago

"Some say it will cause abuse. From my experience, it is exactly the opposite."

I think your experience is very limited. Submission, or lack of submission, has nothing to do with abuse.

3 replies · active 356 weeks ago

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Dharma · 685 weeks ago

Are you saying men are hitting women because they are not getting what they want? And when they get what they want, they stop hitting? Are you saying abuse is caused by women not being obedient enough, so they deserve it? And when they obey, it will stop?

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

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Michelle · 685 weeks ago

As always, an excellent post on how we will be blessed if we obey God's word instead of following the world's "wisdom."

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Glenys Hicks · 685 weeks ago

As long as a husband is an honourable man, full submission will not lead to abuse.. if he is not honourable, even total submission bordering on total subjection, will not stop being abused... as a former abused wife, I have to agree with Caroline.

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Chris · 685 weeks ago

I'd never want a wife who was submissive, and I can't imagine what kind of man would want such a partner.

5 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Tiffany · 685 weeks ago

Lori, I am new to the submission thing. I've never heard much about it until I came across your blog. My question is, how do I submit to a husband who asks practically nothing of me? lol! Really, my husband is so kind and is never critical of me or tells me to do anything. Maybe I'm just lucky? But really, I want to be a better more submissive wife to him but I'm not sure how!

4 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Elizabeth · 685 weeks ago

Lori needs to visit a battered women shelter and talk to the women there. Then she will be equipped to talk about abuse. As it is, she sounds woefully ignorant. Lack of submission has nothing to do with abuse. Is she saying these women deserve abuse because there were not submissive enough? How insulting and untrue. Abuse is the abusers fault, 100%.

6 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Ken · 685 weeks ago

Too many of you who comment above pull out the abuse card and violate the 80-20% rule, or in this case the 97-3% rule. You are so focused on the 2% who might abuse a wife's submissive vulnerability that you cannot see that the post is intended fir the 97% who are married to good men. If they are not married to good men, why did they marry them? If there man is abusive they should seek help and wise counsel, and the authorities for physical abuse.

Stop being extremists with your comments and assume that these blogs are not intended to address the extremes, but instead is wise counsel for those who seek a great marriage. God says that submission of a Christian wife to her Christian husband is a good thing. This Christian husband intends to honor and love his wife whether she submits or not, but I have had it both ways, and I can tell you that life, love and intimacy are far better when my wife sows an attitude of trying to please me, instead of fighting me.

Vulnerability on the part of a woman, and man, in a marriage will lead to a deeper level of love and relationship. In a healthy relationship submission can take the marriage to a deeper level of true intimacy as the husband instead of fighting his wife now must honor her and protect her interest or show himself to be a jerk.

What person hands over their will to another expecting that the other person will trample upon them? That would be sheer stupidity. On the other hand as a wife gradually gives herself fully to her man to please him, the man returns her vulnerability not with abuse, but with a greater sense of desiring the very best for her in all areas of life.

I think Lori would be the first to say that the practice of submission did not come easy to her. Her personality is one that would like to always be in control. But when she started trusting God at His Word with submission, a certain vulnerability occurred that allowed me in turn to prove to her that I could be trusted with her heart and with her life. Apart from true submission, a wife will never know if her husband truly has her best interests at heart, and the deepest form of intimacy cannot take hold in the relationship.

So for a few of you… you sound at times like your main intent is to trash whatever is written on this blog. Lori’s words are wise counsel for women who desire to lead godly lives and have godly marriages. If you have no such desire, you are perhaps participating on the wring blog, although God’s principles generally apply to all people, as all can receive His blessings if they do things His ways.

6 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Glenys Hicks · 685 weeks ago

Now that you have cleared up the abuse issue, I would like to add that I do think Lori has good advice and wisdom. Certainly a submissive wife married to a non violent man will bring a quality to her marriage that will enhance it and make it more Christ-like. If I didn't think Lori had something of value to say, I wouldn't read her blog....

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Carl · 685 weeks ago

I would far rather be married to an equal partner. I have no trouble negotiating and discussing things with my wife. It is far more effective and enjoyable than being married to someone who gives in, like a child.

I wonder about men who "need" submission to be happy.

1 reply · active 684 weeks ago

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jbeane6 36p · 685 weeks ago

I think that some who have commented have taken what Lori has said way beyond what she has actually said! She did NOT say submission was a way to avoid abuse. She said that God calls women to be submission. I am sensing that for some this is an ugly word. Allowing your husband to be the head in your life allows him to step up to the plate and have the opportunity to make good, even great decisions. Always second guessing him, always needing to have your say doesn't give him the opportunity to shine. And doesn't relieve you of the heavy burden you choose to carry. I am all for having a easy burden and a light yoke.

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Carlin · 685 weeks ago

We learn compromise and negotiation in kindergarten. We are supposed to throw that all way when we marry?

4 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Brit · 685 weeks ago

Good post! I have been dwelling a lot on submission the last few weeks, and I feel like God has been convicting me that I need to do better. I'm blessed to be in a good marriage, and know my husband loves me very much. He is never critical of me, compliments me, tell me he appreciates me, etc. but I’m still struggling with this!

He opened a business a few months ago. It’s a coffee/ice cream shop, and it’s been the most stressful time for both of us. I tell myself I’m going to trust him, not nag him, not question everything, not always bring up what I think he should do, etc… I keep failing. Do you have any suggestions on how I can be a more submissive/supportive wife? I know I need to just keep my moth shut most of the time, but why is it soooo hard? I know it bothers him because he immediately gets defensive when I do that. I always try to do it in a kind way, but I don’t think that’s what he needs. It’s really been bothering me!

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

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Heather · 685 weeks ago

I participate in a bible study with a group of wonderful, Christian women. A few years ago, we spent some time studying this topic and our biggest hurdles were our own misconceptions. Most people think submission=doormat and that is just not correct. I had a wonderful marriage before I chose to submit to my husband, but our home is a more peaceful and loving place since my heart has changed. Do I always think he is right, wise and all knowing....NO. My husband is not perfect and neither am I. When we face those hard places/decision I choose to honor my husband and trust the Lord.

1 reply · active 685 weeks ago

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Andi · 685 weeks ago

great post, Lori! I appreciate your passion for sharing your love for Christ and our Heavenly Father's words to live by. This post is a great reminder for women. *hugs*

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missionarymomma · 685 weeks ago

I read the post and found it to be a good Biblical reminder. I appreciate your open honesty and humility in writting it.
It is true, there are some marriages who have been won over without a word when the wife suddenly began submitting to her unworthy husband. It's a teaching almost lost in our society. Thank you for writting your personal experience on this. I want to keep learning.
Then, I read the comments. Frankly, some of the answers from you and Ken are, in my opinion harsh. That happened also in another recent post where some disagreed with you. I find it distasteful and it undermines the sweet attitude in which your post was written.

2 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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AMY · 685 weeks ago

Being a submissive wife isn't for everyone. I know that in my marriage, we work as equal partners, and would not have it any other way. But if it is a choice that a wife willingly makes, well it is her choice. I do agree with Lori's statement that we should accept our husband and not try and change them. I would agrue that this applies to both husbands and wives. In my practice, I saw a lot on spouses (both men and women) that over looked issues before marriage, thinking that they could change their spouse after marriage. This just leads to unhappiness.

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Tara · 685 weeks ago

I am so over this. I've been reading, praying, etc trying to change my situation to no avail. its always about what the woman can do , should do, etc. ok, what about the commands given to the men? for every article wrtten about teaching men to love their wives there's a hundred written telling women to submit. I can't do that until I get rid of the urge to get away from him. so tell me, all you godly ladies... how to submit and serve with a joyful heart when he calls you an "insane idiot" or when you try to talk he quickly lets you know he has no interest in what you have to say??? hmmm?

5 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Cathy · 685 weeks ago

Tara,

It sounds like you've already tried Lori's advice (reading, praying, etc) and it has not worked. In that case, do you want to be called an "insane idiot" for the rest of your life?

Try some other things. Go to counseling--not to change yourself (you sound fine), but to figure out what to do. If your husband will go with you, great, if not you can learn plenty by going by yourself.

Your husband has to WANT to change. You can do all the reading, praying, and changing of your attitude you want--it won't help, because the problem is with him. It sounds like you've found that out already.

I can't tell you if divorce or separation is right for you. But I do know that submitting to that kind of terrible behavior is not going to change anything.

It's true, it's always the woman who must change. A man can scream, yell, abuse, squander money, etc, and it is always the woman that "older, godly women" focus on.

The focus should not be on you. The focus should be on the horrible person who is calling you terrible names.

Of course you have the urge to get away from him. Who wouldn't? That's not going to go away, either. Anybody would want to get away from someone who calls them names.

Get counseling--from someone who is not a Christian. Christians will never tell you that it is the man's fault.

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sarah · 685 weeks ago

.my parents beliefs are very similar to yours so this is not a new way of thinking to me.although all the negative comments you recieve must really test your patience at times,God has used it for good in my life as it has really opened my eyes to how blessed i was to grow up in a home where God's ways were taught and lived.if someone hasn't actually seen it modeled it obviously must sound absurd because a lot of commenters are just wanting to talk about abuse.i didn't even notice that you mentioned abuse until i read the comments.i will pray for you that you will be able to teach submission in a way that all those who are seeking God's ways will understand.i think you do that very well but i would love for more people to experience it in their own lives.for those who think 'abuse' when you read submission rather think 'humility'.at least that is how it was modeled in my parents home.my mom definitely had her opions and they discussed issues but she was humble enough to say what she thot and then let it go.my dad adores her and it never entered my mind that he would just do as he pleased and disregard her wishes and ideas.they are a team but they have different roles to fill.

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PJB · 685 weeks ago

Your definition of submission is in error.

However, what you say about how wonderful and beautiful it is... that's true. God chose the word submission for a reason when He gave it as a command to ALL Christians -- both male and female. In Christianity EVERYBODY submits. However, since I am a female, and married, I can accurately report that submitting to husbands is indeed a powerful (and often missing) secret ingredient in a marriage.

Since EVERYBODY submits, it is not possible to say that submitting means 'unresistingly or humbly obedient' -- that's just plain wrong.

(For the curous, submission means putting others first, considering them above ourselves not as-in authority, but in personal value.

2 replies · active 685 weeks ago

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Tiffany · 685 weeks ago

I'm having a hard time understanding why some people are so upset by this idea of submission. I will admit it is a new concept to me, but really, doesn't it just come down to being Christlike? Being quick to forgive, first to apologize, turning the other cheek, treating your spouse the way you want to be treated.....Those things, to me, are all ways of being Christlike. I have put this into practice in my own marriage and I have noticed it makes a world of difference in the dynamic between my husband and I, as well as the spirit in our home. I am happier....I don't feel repressed or abused....I feel as though I am behaving the way I should, and in turn, my husband is treating me in a more Christ like way as well.

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Hazel Moon · 685 weeks ago

I am a submissive wife, but this subject must also allow for the verse that says to submit one to another. The husband must be willing to listen to his wife and hear what she has to say as long as she can say it quietly and in love. My husband makes all the final decisions. We do not argue and that is where a wife must be careful because wifes sometimes treat their husbands like a child and try to tell him what to do. If he will listen she may help his decision making process. Submission does not mean being walked on. Husbands are to love their wife as their own body, and wives are to respect their husbands according to the scriptures. A Happy home is where the wife learns when to keep quiet.and allow him to speak (not yell.) I have a friend who answers for her husband when anyone asks him a question. That is not right.

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Jenny Matlock · 685 weeks ago

Respect is a two way street. I think in the microcosm of marriage the saying 'what you reap, so you sow' really comes to play.

Most of the time.

Sometimes I think you have other situations that make things terrible...mental illness for example.

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heather · 685 weeks ago

I really love & appreciate your blog posts. I hope those who are negative will not discourage you in your writing.

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