Hello mommies, I'm struggling with how little my husband helps with my daughter's care and household. I know he works outside the home but I never get a break. He seems to be able to eat several hot meals a day, shower, and have downtime...while I will go days without a shower. We are totally out of balance and resentment has definitely set in for me. I am angry all the time with him, irritated, annoyed, and feeling stuck. I don't want our marriage to be over, I need what LITTLE help I get but how can I make this resentment a little less overwhelming. I truly have enough emotional baggage just caring for my very sick little girl...so I don't need to add being po'd at my husband all the time...but I cannot seem to shake it or help it. "Date nights" and "me time" have been off the table for years...so while I appreciate those suggestions they are not feasible for us/me. I just want to feel better, and stop feeling so angry. HELP!
Dear Anonymous Mom,
I am sorry for your seemingly overwhelming struggles. Having been through that period of my life with four children under six years old and being sick, I can empathize with your feelings and situation. No one can fully put themselves in your shoes, and if you are a Christian, you must depend upon the Holy Spirit to carry you through this.
The key to obtaining more help from a spouse is to first create awareness. Awareness is the tool that all of us need to see what we are doing wrong and to make corrections. I assume that you have told your husband multiple times that he needs to help more and that you are at the end of your rope, but remember, awareness has multiple layers. It is one thing to hear “My wife is asking for help” and to actually register the words correctly “My wife needs my help.” You can see the message is just slightly different but in the brain the second “needs my help” creates the mental pathway that a reasonable husband will try to begin giving some sort of help.
Getting that second message registered is often harder than it looks, especially if a husband or wife has strong fleshly habits. These habits have built into the brain a defense mechanism that will not allow the truth to sink in, unless you can beat the defenses with various forms of positive communications. Nagging and being moody over not getting help will be counterproductive negative communications that will only bring reinforcements to his mental barriers. This is why “winning a husband without a word by your godly behavior” proves so effective.
The ideal is to always win your husband by being kind, considerate, gentle and treating him with respect as it keeps his defenses down and allows you to speak truth to him. If you are to win this battle, it is generally won by finding the weeds in his bad thinking and replacing them with the truth. What is truth? Well, besides you needing help, he needs to realize that not doing his fair share to help is really not loving his One-Flesh marriage. Even if he is married to a complainer, which of course you are not,he still must show you love by giving you hope that each day you can succeed and that things will get better.
Find the right moment to ask if you can discuss the issue with him. Instead of just blurting out, “Can’t you see I need help?” or whatever communications you have been using, find a time when you believe your husband is in the listening mood and go plop yourself on his lap or beside him, or take him upstairs to the bedroom by saying, “Can we cuddle?”
Once you are cuddling, start showing some affection with kisses and hugs, etc. Remember, all of this extra effort should not have to be necessary in a normal marriage, but you are saying that your marriage is on the ropes and needs exceptional communication’s skills to get through to your husband on this important issue. Rest on his shoulder and maybe say something like this: “You know Dan, I care about you very much and I want you to be happy, but recently I feel like I am at my wits end trying to take care of Emily and all the rest I have to do. Is there any way that I can get some more help from you? I know you are busy with work, and I can do most things, but can I ask you to just do three things each day that may make a world of difference for me and my sanity.”
Think through your list of things and be realistic with what you can get from him this first go round. Just getting him starting to think about how he can help and doing some things for you can begin the process of change.
Hopefully this family communication’s session goes great and maybe love making results to help confirm your love commitment to him and his commitment to you. Later that evening, ask him with a smile if you can post the three things on the refrigerator to help him remember. Then the next day in his lunch bucket, or somehow, get him a handmade card telling him how much better you feel just knowing that he is willing to help give you some relief and how much you appreciate it. Each time he does anything to help, don’t show him disdain for not doing more, but appreciation for starting the process of helping. Change does not come easy for some, especially if we have bad habits. But if you can get to this point you have climbed the mountain and are starting the easier decent in to getting what you need.
Perhaps you can picture many various similar approaches, all done graciously and kindly, but staying with the process until your husband has formed a new spirit of willingness to help and new habits. It is a shame that a husband cannot see when a wife needs help, or will not respond to her direct requests, but people are who they are, so wishing they were more mature will not make them more mature. Instead you have to help grow your husband, and if you are a Believer, God can and will help you with this process if you do things the way He says.
God says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives” {I Peter 3:1}. This is really communications and people management 101 that you will get much more change from a person if you are clear in what you need from them and you ask nicely, and respectfully, than if you scold or pout or are moody. Yes, we all wish your husband was different than he is, but he is your husband, the man you chose to marry because of all the good qualities he has. Make a list of his good qualities and try to focus upon them each day, and do not panic if things do not progress quickly. See if you can muster the strength to give this at least 45 days more, and watch and see what your man may do to change. Do not be afraid to encourage him, not nag him, and to praise him for the smallest of successes.
Two things to remember, first is that most wives hit this rock bottom time in their early marriage and child rearing years when all seems hopeless, and especially hopeless that we will ever have the husband we really thought we were marrying. I can guarantee from the personal experience of almost every mother I know that it gets better and our men usually grow up and mature into helpful, serving husbands. They just carry that bachelor and single approach into a marriage and it does not work when a family is being created so they must change and start helping. How we help with the process of awareness and change is vital, so remember this key principle ~
You can never get someone to change their behavior until you first get them to change their thinking. So long as your husband either does not see you need help, or believe you really need help, or can see that he has to give things up in his life so that he can help, he will never change. Explore with him gently why he does not help by asking questions without making accusations.
“Honey, why is it that you want to come home at 8 p.m. at night after your softball game and put your feet up on the couch with your beer and expect me to put the kids in bed? I am just curious as to what you are thinking?”
If said nicely with no accusations, you will force him to think about what a jerk he is being towards you and the kids. Keep asking questions instead of making statements. Questions that force him to think about his poor behavior and then ask, “If you were me, what should I be thinking when I get so little help from you? Should I just be happy I married this big lump of coal?” and walk over and give him a big hug with a big smile.
I think you get the point that although you are making requests and asking good questions that may lead to changed thinking and in turn changed behavior, you are doing it in a kind, gentle and God honoring way. Don’t get me wrong, your husband sounds like a big six year old who has never grown up and is not prepared for marriage, but guess what? He is your big baby and God will help change him if you follow one of God’s main principles “to win him by your chaste and godly behavior.” As you deal with him in kindness, but still showing him the right way, God can enter into your relationship and propel him forward to changed behavior.
And guess what, when we change behavior and begin to mature and grow as individuals, it is usually only then that we can look back and see what type of jerks we were with our selfishness, our moods and our poor behaviors. Be careful that you too follow this process of change and renew your strength in the Lord and give this a 45 day try to change your man by lovingly and specifically helping him see where he can help you. Then if that does not seem to work, go find an older godly women who can coach you regularly, or maybe another couple whose husband is helpful to his wife to help mentor the two of you. Never lose hope, and do not stop questioning and seeking help until you are sensing things are on the right track.
Dear Anonymous Mom,
I am sorry for your seemingly overwhelming struggles. Having been through that period of my life with four children under six years old and being sick, I can empathize with your feelings and situation. No one can fully put themselves in your shoes, and if you are a Christian, you must depend upon the Holy Spirit to carry you through this.
The key to obtaining more help from a spouse is to first create awareness. Awareness is the tool that all of us need to see what we are doing wrong and to make corrections. I assume that you have told your husband multiple times that he needs to help more and that you are at the end of your rope, but remember, awareness has multiple layers. It is one thing to hear “My wife is asking for help” and to actually register the words correctly “My wife needs my help.” You can see the message is just slightly different but in the brain the second “needs my help” creates the mental pathway that a reasonable husband will try to begin giving some sort of help.
Getting that second message registered is often harder than it looks, especially if a husband or wife has strong fleshly habits. These habits have built into the brain a defense mechanism that will not allow the truth to sink in, unless you can beat the defenses with various forms of positive communications. Nagging and being moody over not getting help will be counterproductive negative communications that will only bring reinforcements to his mental barriers. This is why “winning a husband without a word by your godly behavior” proves so effective.
The ideal is to always win your husband by being kind, considerate, gentle and treating him with respect as it keeps his defenses down and allows you to speak truth to him. If you are to win this battle, it is generally won by finding the weeds in his bad thinking and replacing them with the truth. What is truth? Well, besides you needing help, he needs to realize that not doing his fair share to help is really not loving his One-Flesh marriage. Even if he is married to a complainer, which of course you are not,he still must show you love by giving you hope that each day you can succeed and that things will get better.
Find the right moment to ask if you can discuss the issue with him. Instead of just blurting out, “Can’t you see I need help?” or whatever communications you have been using, find a time when you believe your husband is in the listening mood and go plop yourself on his lap or beside him, or take him upstairs to the bedroom by saying, “Can we cuddle?”
Once you are cuddling, start showing some affection with kisses and hugs, etc. Remember, all of this extra effort should not have to be necessary in a normal marriage, but you are saying that your marriage is on the ropes and needs exceptional communication’s skills to get through to your husband on this important issue. Rest on his shoulder and maybe say something like this: “You know Dan, I care about you very much and I want you to be happy, but recently I feel like I am at my wits end trying to take care of Emily and all the rest I have to do. Is there any way that I can get some more help from you? I know you are busy with work, and I can do most things, but can I ask you to just do three things each day that may make a world of difference for me and my sanity.”
Think through your list of things and be realistic with what you can get from him this first go round. Just getting him starting to think about how he can help and doing some things for you can begin the process of change.
Hopefully this family communication’s session goes great and maybe love making results to help confirm your love commitment to him and his commitment to you. Later that evening, ask him with a smile if you can post the three things on the refrigerator to help him remember. Then the next day in his lunch bucket, or somehow, get him a handmade card telling him how much better you feel just knowing that he is willing to help give you some relief and how much you appreciate it. Each time he does anything to help, don’t show him disdain for not doing more, but appreciation for starting the process of helping. Change does not come easy for some, especially if we have bad habits. But if you can get to this point you have climbed the mountain and are starting the easier decent in to getting what you need.
Perhaps you can picture many various similar approaches, all done graciously and kindly, but staying with the process until your husband has formed a new spirit of willingness to help and new habits. It is a shame that a husband cannot see when a wife needs help, or will not respond to her direct requests, but people are who they are, so wishing they were more mature will not make them more mature. Instead you have to help grow your husband, and if you are a Believer, God can and will help you with this process if you do things the way He says.
God says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives” {I Peter 3:1}. This is really communications and people management 101 that you will get much more change from a person if you are clear in what you need from them and you ask nicely, and respectfully, than if you scold or pout or are moody. Yes, we all wish your husband was different than he is, but he is your husband, the man you chose to marry because of all the good qualities he has. Make a list of his good qualities and try to focus upon them each day, and do not panic if things do not progress quickly. See if you can muster the strength to give this at least 45 days more, and watch and see what your man may do to change. Do not be afraid to encourage him, not nag him, and to praise him for the smallest of successes.
Two things to remember, first is that most wives hit this rock bottom time in their early marriage and child rearing years when all seems hopeless, and especially hopeless that we will ever have the husband we really thought we were marrying. I can guarantee from the personal experience of almost every mother I know that it gets better and our men usually grow up and mature into helpful, serving husbands. They just carry that bachelor and single approach into a marriage and it does not work when a family is being created so they must change and start helping. How we help with the process of awareness and change is vital, so remember this key principle ~
You can never get someone to change their behavior until you first get them to change their thinking. So long as your husband either does not see you need help, or believe you really need help, or can see that he has to give things up in his life so that he can help, he will never change. Explore with him gently why he does not help by asking questions without making accusations.
“Honey, why is it that you want to come home at 8 p.m. at night after your softball game and put your feet up on the couch with your beer and expect me to put the kids in bed? I am just curious as to what you are thinking?”
If said nicely with no accusations, you will force him to think about what a jerk he is being towards you and the kids. Keep asking questions instead of making statements. Questions that force him to think about his poor behavior and then ask, “If you were me, what should I be thinking when I get so little help from you? Should I just be happy I married this big lump of coal?” and walk over and give him a big hug with a big smile.
I think you get the point that although you are making requests and asking good questions that may lead to changed thinking and in turn changed behavior, you are doing it in a kind, gentle and God honoring way. Don’t get me wrong, your husband sounds like a big six year old who has never grown up and is not prepared for marriage, but guess what? He is your big baby and God will help change him if you follow one of God’s main principles “to win him by your chaste and godly behavior.” As you deal with him in kindness, but still showing him the right way, God can enter into your relationship and propel him forward to changed behavior.
And guess what, when we change behavior and begin to mature and grow as individuals, it is usually only then that we can look back and see what type of jerks we were with our selfishness, our moods and our poor behaviors. Be careful that you too follow this process of change and renew your strength in the Lord and give this a 45 day try to change your man by lovingly and specifically helping him see where he can help you. Then if that does not seem to work, go find an older godly women who can coach you regularly, or maybe another couple whose husband is helpful to his wife to help mentor the two of you. Never lose hope, and do not stop questioning and seeking help until you are sensing things are on the right track.
*** Helped written by Ken
Logging you in...
RAS · 578 weeks ago
A lot of this sounds like everyone's perception is off. The husband doesn't know or see, and it's probably because he's focused on work and down time so he can work. This doesn't make him bad. Also, winning a husband without a word means doing it quietly. A few times of sitting down and bald face honestly telling him you're overwhelmed, or drowning and please could he help would be much better. Open yourself without subterfuge and underhand manipulating. Don't make notes, bring it up constantly, or get in the mindset that you deserve him to be a better husband.
The wife needs to get to a place where there is no resentment. Study what it truly means to be a servant and to love like Christ does. Give of yourself, and give some more, and give some more without expecting anything and you will lose that resentment when you find contentment in your work and in Christ. It's been years since I've had a serious date night or me time, and I have a beautiful marriage.
The biggest change in my life came when I truly put all expectations away, focusing only on loving my husband and children. I became happier, am happier, and people mention it. (I'm a big proponent of chosing to be happy. A lot of people don't). Serving quietly and happily does more for a relationship than anything. And sooner or later, your happiness will rub off and your husband will be out trying to serve you.
Something that's help me is finding small things to do for yourself, like taking a shower while the kids are napping or watching a movie. Like finding a good book to read after they've gone bed. Don't expect him to be your source of relaxation.
Lest you think I'm disqualified, I've been married for 13 years and I have 5 amazing children.
Cabinetman · 578 weeks ago
I am guessing you have much more information on this situation than what was shared to come to the conclusion you did. And I understand not sharing that but it wasn't evident in the paragraph how this dear woman can go days without a shower, etc. It mentions a sick child. She must be very sick whose care takes a lot of time and is the wife working? I was left with more questions than answers from just the paragraph that was shared and the strain on the woman and her time were not evident that it must be from her husband slacking from that paragraph...but I am going to assume you know more and have checked this out and trusting that...
I would like to know what this man does on the weekends, not after work. And how many hours he is putting in at work (and is she working, etc) and are all those hours necessary? Second, I think I stated this the other day but many of us men if our wife has a legitamit need just about the worst thing she could do is fight but a tender and broken wife, a hurt wife (but not one who is fighting mad, etc) nothing wants me to change my behavior quicker and make things better for her. Tears, the soft kind, tear my heart out and make me examine my behavior 100x more than a cross word. Does he show his love in other ways? Does he just not help enough, but is in general a good husband or...I guess I just have way too many questions on this one and that is my only insight.
I
Nancy · 578 weeks ago
guest lady · 578 weeks ago
The next time he comes home and kicks his feet up in front of the TV (if that's what's going on), maybe she can say, "Hey, babe, I haven't had a shower since (whenever). Would you take over baby duties while I go get scrubbed up for dinner?" I have found that if I sit around and stew that my husband hasn't vacuumed since the Bush administration, it'll never get done, and I'll just keep getting more annoyed about it. If I say, "Hey, babe, I need to get dinner started. Can you vacuum for me?" it gets done right away. No need for a long sit-down and "relationship discussion." I simply ask.
Some men are more inclined to notice housework, particularly neatniks. But not all men (or women) are neatniks, and as much as it would be nice for them to just help out wherever we need help without our asking, that's not particularly realistic.
Buddy Federer · 578 weeks ago
Happy Wife · 578 weeks ago
Cabinetman, I didn't think that Ken and Lori were saying women go to their husbands "fighting mad" and personally, my husband doesn't like it if I go to him with a simple problem all teary and upset. He feels like this is manipulative. He doesn't want to see me "broken" over him not helping me. He wants me to tell him right away with no drama because he isn't going to get upset. Some men might like their wives to come to them in tears when they need help around the house, but women need to talk to their husbands because if I started this with mine it would just cause marriage problems.
Cynthia · 578 weeks ago
I agree that the key is to really get across to the husband that the wife needs help, without turning it into an accusation and putting him on the defensive.
2 suggestions:
1. Use "I' statements, not "you" statements, and speak from the heart about how you are feeling.
Saying "you never" or "you always" comes across as an accusation. Instead, if you say "I'm really overwhelmed", "I'm exhausted and not coping very well", you are just talking about your feelings and letting him know that you need help. This lets him act like a hero by stepping up to the plate.
2. Make a schedule, showing what's going on 24/7.
I did this a while ago, purely for my own practical planning purposes, but it showed in a really dramatic, visual way exactly what I was doing with my time, and exactly how much time was blocked off for my husband's work.
Many time, men may only really see paid employment as work. A detailed schedule on a spreadsheet can make it clear that you are working too, and that your job is 24/7.
Re your suggested questions to the husband - personally, I find the tone a bit passive-aggressive. The points are very valid, but I know my husband likes me to me more direct with him.
It also sounds like there must be some overwhelming medical needs that aren't going away, if a quick shower isn't possible and date nights are off the table for years. I'd talk about the fact that the situation is scary and sometimes overwhelming, and that you know it's important that both of you are able to stay strong and support each other through this. Ask him for help in brainstorming ways to cope. Are there any volunteer organizations, or public services, that provide relief for caregivers at home? Is there any money in the budget to get a health care aide for even an hour or two each week? Taking care of yourself is really important - your child is depending on you, and she needs you to be strong and healthy and calm. Caregivers can become overwhelmed and are at risk for depression or fibromyalgia. If there is any safe way to leave her for 5 minutes while you hop in the shower, do it. Make sure you eat as well. Look up recipes that you can toss together in less than 5 minutes and stick in the oven or crockpot.
jsr · 578 weeks ago
I particulary noticed this statement, "I don't want our marriage to be over, I need what LITTLE help I get." It sounds like she only wants her husband around to help be a manny. Men can definitely feel that. Most men love to help the woman who loves them dearly. But they will hate demands from the wife who only wants his money and maid services. From my own experience, it can feel like she is demanding a ton of extras (excessive cleaning, pampering, etc.) while she is failing to give the basics (love and sex). No way any man wants that deal.
Brit · 578 weeks ago
LSCS_XO 28p · 578 weeks ago
I certainly don't know the entire story, but maybe this women needs to take a hard look at her expectations. Is she making a big deal out of totally unnecessary things? Has she made her husband feel incompetent to the point that he chooses not to help to avoid criticism? Has she had an honest, open talk with him, or is she whining and nagging?
My story ended with my husband having an affair (and eventually marrying) the fun, laid back nieghbor. You know, the one doing cartwheels in the yard with her kids and not worrying about what time dinner was served or if the napkins matched the tablecloth. ;-)
Anne · 578 weeks ago
I find that a lot of women forget that they cannot take care of others if they don't take care of themselves first. Some women are prone to be a play the martyr. It helps no one to do that, especially yourself.
I pray for her to find a schedule so she can take better care of herself, for the sake of her family. Maybe she should look at the great blogs that Lori suggests? I really like the Time Warp Wife blog. She give great ideas on running a balanced home and how to communicate and love your spouse. I have found it very helpful for me :)
Kim · 578 weeks ago
1. I let the world fall on his head and crack his skull open. I noticed that he never reacted except in emergencies, so I quit holding back the tide.
2. I stopped doing anything that didn't benefit me and the children and kept/added what was needed. This was not a selfish move, it was practical. I stopped spending hours performing financial data entry, only to have him ignore our situation; explaining once the issues, and dropped it for good. I stopped trying to keep the house in museum quality if everyone was trashing it out in a matter of minutes; since they trashed the house, they get to live in it. I added nap time for myself, taught the kids to make their own sandwiches, took more walks, joined a gym.
3. I turned back to God. I made peace with my past decisions, try to tackle only what I needed to that day that would be beneficial. Returning to this blog was a daily decision, as I was grinding some axes.
All the above advise is good, as everyone has unique situations. Some have to take a softer stance as others had to take tougher stances.
ayearinskirts 66p · 578 weeks ago
Fifth- you say your daughter is very sick... so I don't know what you're dealing with. Some men escape the pain by being invested other places.
Brit · 578 weeks ago
Cynthia Swenson · 578 weeks ago
Ken · 578 weeks ago
Churches are often quite good at mentoring and teaching women, but aside from a few blistering sermons on “husband love your wife,” does the church do a good job of mentoring men to be great husbands? Some do. others do not.
Regardless, we have some strong admonition from the scriptures for husband and wife to stay together, and to minister to, the disobedient and unbelieving spouse. These verses cannot be cut out of our Bible’s but we can explore what the church should look like when we see a failing marriage, or problems within a marriage from all sides of the issues and problems.
No static story on a piece of paper will ever tell us all that we need to know to get this women all the marriage help she really needs. The church is to be an active and living organization of fellow believers who can step in from all fronts to come along side of this couple and try to get to the root of the selfishness and its cure. The cure is to please each other because we are first pleasing God. This applies to husband and wife and one spouse cannot wait for the other to change before they allow the Holy Spirit to live in and through them to shine Jesus to their disobedient spouse.
It is healthy to explore the issues on both sides of the static story, but I would caution to not read too much extra into the story, and leave room for the unknown. We need many more godly men and women who will mentor couples and a church that is so connected that young wives have a home group that can support them during these difficult early years of marriage when both spouses must make changes to truly become one in Christ Jesus.
lisamc46 1p · 578 weeks ago
Great advice. I can relate to this women. When I had two children 3 and under I was always overwhelmed. Making matters worse, my husband got a job in another state when our second child was a newborn. We had to move 500 miles away from our families to a new state where we knew no one. I was so lonely.
Joining Mothers of Preschoolers helped a lot. Maybe there's a chapter where the woman you mentioned in your post lives. As my children got older I became a MOPS leader and that really helped me to feel useful and better about myself. Plus, my kids enjoyed helping me to prepare for the meetings and playing with the other children.
I find that I have to tell my husband when I'm overwhelmed. He just doesn't pick up on it on his own even though he's extremely caring. If I tell him that I need to go to the gym to work out and feel better, he's more than happy to help me get our youngest child to bed so I can leave the house for an hour. But, I think it's hard for us as moms to admit that we're overwhelmed and need some help.
Jo · 578 weeks ago
- I would suggest this mum seeks out an older female Christian mentor to talk to. She needs guidances and advice and a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps someone from church, a grandmother? This will help her work through her anger.
- this mum needs help with organizing her day so she can have a shower every day and find time for a rest each day. She needs to decide what is important and what can be put to one side. I'm assuming she only has one child?
- I would suggest she speak with her daughter's doctor for advice and perhaps see if there is a counseling service available , depending on what is wrong with the child. This could spiral towards depression if not already there.
- I agree with others about talking with her husband, I would start with small way things first, perhaps looking after the child for an hour on the weekend to give mum a break.
And from my own experience -lots and lots of pray:))) that's the key to all things.
Eva · 578 weeks ago
On the big cleaning days, I will do the same thing but a bit different: hubby gets to pick one room to clean (usually he will pick the living room because its the room he spends most time in). The time it takes him to clean the living room is usually equal to me cleaning the rest of the house. There is only one rule in this game: No moving things into other rooms. That means he cannot move the mess from the living room to the hallway or the kitchen - everything that comes from the living room must be put away.
Another way of dealing with lazy husbands is the "60 seconds" rule (also for kids!): Everything that takes 60 seconds or less to clean/put away must be done immediatly. 60 seconds is a very graspable time frame (also very short) and most husbands will agree to do this. It doesn't sound like much but you'd be shocked how much of a difference it makes. My man was one of those guys who leaves clothes wherever they sit/stand, just on the floor. the 60 seconds rule worked wonders there and pretty much halfed my work, lol.
Lizzie · 578 weeks ago
I particularly loved you how you reminded us that marriage is a work in progress and it does get better on both sides. I came along towards the end of a large family, and I have always remembered our father as an unshakable man who could cope with anything in the whole entire world. I was very surprised to learn that my oldest brother has vivid early memories of an angry father, and I realized how much my father had changed as life went on. It gave me such hope in my own marriage. This is a reminder that we need more often: the work-in-progress idea.
Robin J Cox · 578 weeks ago
As the grateful mother of several typical and healthy children and one "special needs and medically fragile" child, I can tell commenters here with all certainly that it is often not possible to shower. It's not an exaggeration; when you have a sick child, it is often not possible to sit down and eat lunch or shower.
This woman needs help. I love Ken and Lori's advice, because it is important that she lovingly confront her husband, yet not expect anything. Even if he doesn't change a thing about what he's doing now, she needs to come to a place of peace and trust that God will eventually work this out in their marriage.
My own husband has struggled with our child being sick, especially when he was in the CICU after having open-heart surgery. He is a very strong, commanding man, and I don't think he knew what to do since he was actually "helpless" to do anything for our little son during this time. So, he kind of emotionally checked out.
Although my husband is quite helpful in doing things in our home with our typical children, he leaves the care of our special needs child mainly to me, and I had to find a way to deal with this. All of the tube feedings, all of the cares and medications have been my responsibility from birth onward. My husband took wonderful care of our other children in the Ronald McDonald House while we lived there and I lived in the NICU and CICU, but the care of a special needs child is truly overwhelming.
In our society, because many older women are working outside of the home, there isn't much help to be had unless family is nearby or the mother of the sick little one has money to spend on a special needs respite worker. This can be $25 per hour.
With basic needs, I have found that it is best to try to find a way to actually shower WITH my husband, putting our other children in their playroom safely and the baby in a pack and play or some other safe environment while we shower TOGETHER. My husband likes it, and I am able to get a shower without asking my husband to help.
With food, I eat a lot standing up, and I do not eat with other members of the family at times. This is a sacrifice, but temporary. The days will come when we are able to sit down together again and share a meal in much more peace, without worrying about tube feeding the baby, etc. So I focus on the fact that this is a season, and temporary, when I get frustrated.
It is very difficult, but very rewarding. We are blessed. Our marriage is not without its problems. Over 80% of parents with a special needs child divorce. I refuse to be one of those statistics. This is not a season for "me time" or "date nights" - this can happen when the children are older and out of the house doing their own activities. We have bought into this mentality that, even with healthy children, we as mothers are entitled to have the "right" to time for ourselves, and time for "dates" outside the home with our husbands, and this just isn't true. Maybe it's logistically impossible, or financially foolish. It's not our "right" as wives to have "me time and date nights." We need to change our mentality here, because Jesus would have us lay down our own rights for our children and husband, even if it is painful.
In my opinion, the scriptures recommended by Ken and Lori here are the solution: the wife must prayerfully and gently confront her husband, making her true needs known, and then pray and leave the rest to God, asking that He help her to be the kind of wife that draws her husband to the Lord and to herself.