Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Are The Duggars Too Radical?


The Duggar family has some very strict rules for their children.They don't want their children to kiss until their wedding day. They only want the girls to give the men they are courting a side hug. If a young man wants to court their daughters, the man has to ask Jim Bob. They are never allowed alone when going out together until marriage. They must always have a chaperon.

We had fairly strict rules for our children while they lived under our roof. We taught them about purity and what God required of them. However, all of our children were out of the home by the time they began dating their spouse. When our children were in high school, we encouraged them not to date at all. We wanted them to wait until they were old enough to marry and then date to see if they were the one. What they did after they left our home was between them and God. We trusted them as they were all walking with Jesus.

This worked well for us but I can sure understand the even stricter rules the Duggars place on their children. It is protection for them and none of the children seem to mind the rules. When they talk about them, they explain why they have these rules and seem happy about them. Boundaries are always for our protection and I believe children feel protected with boundaries, but only if they don't have a rebellious spirit.

Many think kissing is innocent, but it's not. When you are married, you sure wouldn't want your spouse kissing another woman on the mouth. It definitely gets the motor running which can always be dangerous. So waiting until the wedding would absolutely help in the purity department and the Duggars are doing everything in their power to help their children remain pure until the day they marry which is what God desires according to these verses ~

For this is the will of God, that you should be consecrated {separated and set apart for pure and holy living}: that you should abstain and shrink from sexual vice, that each one of you should know how to possess {control, manage} his own body in consecration {purity, separated from things profane} and honor, not in the passion of lust like the heathen {I Thessalonians 4:3-5} 

The Duggars take these verses very seriously, unlike most Christians, in our society. Many think the Duggars are way too radical in today's society but I don't know. They seem like good rules to me if measured against God's Word and His desire for us to be pure.

They are very careful to base all of their decisions on God's Word and not on society, something we all should seek to do. I would have loved a role model like them in my life when I was growing up and then raising children. 

Comments (49)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
Definitely radical and maybe edging legalistic. No where does it say to not kiss until marriage, or only side hugs, (certain body parts are still touching, not sure I get that). Legalism by definition (one of), is an over-emphasis of discipline.

Having such "rules" before marriage. I do wonder how easy it was to go from chaperones, no kissing, only side hugs to the wedding night. I'm not say be all loosy goosy before marriage. But the only thing God says is no fornication.

Should there be boundaries, of course. But aren't we all grown up enough to know to not be alone in one's bedroom? Or to allow a kiss to go too far? And if you are "burning with passiom" as you should be. (You should be desiring your future spouse, if not, do NOT marry, spare the grief and heartache of a loveless marriage) Marry sooner! Don't have these 2 yr engagements.
9 replies · active 570 weeks ago
I think it's fair for them to set these limits - they aren't harming the kids in any way. I don't think there is any concern for going from chaperoned outings straight into marriage. Marriage, by definition, should last a lifetime - no lack of time to develop further closeness :) . While some of their rigidity seems concerning to me, I can't fault them - others might look at me the same way. They are seeking to live out their lives of faith and have chosen this 'system'. I hope they aren't legalistic - they don't seem to impose their 'rules' on others. But so far as I can tell, I don't see that in them. But I could be wrong. Just some thoughts from a distant, far outside, observer.
I think best to teach your children by example and explain to them when Young and also teach them to love and obey the Lord, that's when morals grow and set in children. Than they will decide and know what it's best according to each ones personality! The Catholic religión always has preached virginity until the wedding night, that is how I was brought up and in my grandma's time, they used the chaperones when they visited the girl at home. My mother was a Little more open, but tan Young men who were brought up Christian they knew to 'respect' the girl they loved and wait til marriage.
I wish it was that way again, but sadly it is not. TV and movies do not help kids, there is to much peer pressure and we cannot control it totally...very difficult situation these days.
FABBY
FABBY
Loving been his wife's avatar

Loving been his wife · 571 weeks ago

How old are the children we are talking about here?
oxo
3 replies · active 571 weeks ago
Yes I do think they are too strict especially by seemingly never allowing the "courters" alone to talk privately. The chaperons are always in ear shot and I think that really hinders emotional intimacy. This is something I would never ever do to my adult children. HOWEVER I still love the Duggars because they are a breath of fresh air from everything else on tv. I find all these courtships and pure relationships quite romantic! And I'm looking forward to Jill's wedding. I feel like in the Duggars case they have 19 children to keep in line and what they allow with the older kids will trickle down to the little ones. Plus they are on tv which adds a whole additional layer of accountability and watchful eyes. I have absolutely no idea what it takes to keep 19 children on the straight and narrow. I don't always need to agree with someone to respect them.
It is important to note the person in the relationship sets the boundaries. Not the parents.
1 reply · active 571 weeks ago
I wish my parents had been more strict in disallowing me to get into circumstances that I POSITIVELY did NOT have the self control to be in!!! I was raised in a grace filled, loving Christian home. God's plan for our sexuality was made fairly clear to me, but not emphatically taught. I wish it had been. My parents thought that they had made the rules/boundaries clear. As a matter of fact my parents adopted me and my next sibling... they were very intentional and this was all very well thought out. I was not allowed to go anywhere with a young man until I was 16 and there were rules... but I still managed to get myself into trouble. I do think that never allowing them even a few minutes alone in a public area is a bit extreme, but 'let each man live by his own conscience' means that we live by what the word and spirit speak to us. I think they set a great example to the world!!!

I have discussed with my son, in depth, that dating is for finding your future mate... not a hobby. I have strongly stressed that sex before marriage causes problems - and not just the possible unwanted pregnancy. He is only 13 and this sort of modeling by the Duggars makes me even more BOLD in my pursuit of teaching my son principles that will protect his heart and purity.
Loving been his wife's avatar

Loving been his wife · 571 weeks ago

Lori, do you know how long their engagements where?
2 replies · active 571 weeks ago
Love this. They are definitely not legalistic. They set boundaries to protect their children from avoidable hurt. They don' tell their kids it's a sin to kiss, plan children or to wear only skirts. These are not sin issues to them. It is about personal convictions, and they understand God gives different people different convictions. We will definitely encourage our children too have some of the same boundaries in dating. I think their kids love it and don't rebel because they feel loved and protected by the boundaries, instead of feeling controlled our condemned.
My husband and I had similar things we did when we were dating. We were alone a lot though. We never had a chaperone though we did things with others sometimes. My husband was a perfect gentleman and even asked permission to start holding my hand. We saved our first kiss for marriage. However, I think it is way too strict to have to have their parents in on their texting. If my parents had done that, I think I would have gotten rebellious. :(
3 replies · active 570 weeks ago
I believe a lot of people get the terms "Legalism" and "Boundaries" confused. Could be a
new article Lori. :)
Becky
I think their arrangement sounds fine and it appears to be working with the eldest daughters.

I don’t think Christian families should seek the limelight as the Duggars have, a personal option that I know many don’t agree with. They have turned their family into a “firm” and that is such a pity. It is hard to know what the children really think as they have an imagine to maintain - its what keeps them in business. So I think they are all going to agree to these boundaries otherwise it would shatter all their followers. As I said, these are my own personal feelings.
5 replies · active 571 weeks ago
I love the Duggars and what they are doing seems to work for them. They are a wonderful family, but I do think they are a bit too radical.

I just wanted to bring up a point - if you don't have enough self control to keep yourself pure without a chaperone, how are you able to be a good spouse? Self control/self mastery is important in every area of marriage. I believe it is best to teach our kids correct principles, then when they are grown they should be able to govern themselves.
Glad to have found your blog, Lori, from the Raising Homemakers Link-Up! Though I don't think it is the only way, I think the decisions the Duggar's are making throughout their courtship have been wise ones. My husband and I also decided to have our first kiss on our wedding day, and to keep our engagement short. ("Courtship should be as long as necessary and engagements should be as short as possible"!) I blogged a little about choices we made at our wedding to honour Christ here ;http://www.whocanstandblog.com/2013/03/planning-christ-centered-wedding.html
Lots to think and pray about as my daughter grows older. But I do believe they are a great example for those who are watching. Stopping by from A Little R&R blog hop.
I love this article and my parents raised me the same way ( I am now a adult daughter who lives at home and I am still in favor of this!) Thanks for a great post <3
I've thought about this for two days, and I'm going to start with a real story.

When I was a senior in high school, my Literary Genres teacher invited her friend to read her childhood stories she was publishing for her English Doctorate. The friend grew up in the Appalachian Mountains; she was a hillbilly. She read a story of how she and her friends determined that babies happened because of girls started shaving their legs. After the laughter died down, she stated that she was quite surprised to find out how wrong they were.

Only date to determine if she/he are spouse material. This may be good advice for some, as Josh Harris writes, but I personally question this advice. I grew up hearing how God has that special someone in mind, so wait. This is true, but when I was lonely now, when I needed someone to notice I exist now, and now becomes years, these words sounded hollow. When a few men who seem "special" arrive, I didn't know "special" if it hit me in the face. Just like shaving legs doesn't produce babies, waiting for "special" to fall into my lap didn't produce a husband.

I'm lucky as my husband and I are a perfect fit, as we were two lonely people who found each other. We both have fumbled terribly due to ignorance, and would have benefitted more from how to define "special", train your eye to see it, ask questions so to understand, rather than waiting for magic.
I am a 52 year old women who had a son out of wedlock when I was 21,I have a wonderful son whom I love more than anything(besides Jesus).I WISH I had been raised by a family who had been more strict.My foster parents were not very God fearing family.and everything was up in the air.I have always believed in God and wish I had read the Bible younger and my life would have been so different.I have tried to live my life as God has set forth,I say WAY TO GO DUGGERS.
Maybe I am remembering this wrong because it was several years ago, but I remember seeing a few episodes of the Duggars when the oldest son was courting his now wife. They both made it a point to say that they decided not to kiss until marriage themselves and then I believe Michelle came on and said that she thought this was the best choice and completely supported it. They also briefly touched on the fact that Jim Bob and Michelle in fact did not wait until after marriage to kiss, but that these parents were happy their older children were making these choices for themselves and guarding their hearts. I completely agree with everything in this post, I also just wanted to emphasize that even though all the potential suitors must "go through dad," this seems to be a system that girls aren't merely submitting to, but proactively participating in of their own free will as young women who could very well go out into the world, but want nothing more than to remain under the protection of their father until marriage. This reminds me of the freedom we all have in Christ, and how much it honors Him when we exercise that freedom wisely and so as to be a testimony to non-believers.
Hi! I'm stopping in from Fellowship Fridays. I couldn't agree more with your views expressed in this post. My children are very young right now and my husband and I are trying to teach them purity and holiness - which goes completely against our culture. If being called 'radical', 'too strict' or 'a Jesus Freak' is going to be the result, then those are the prices we are willing to pay, along with any other price to be paid for the sake of following Christ. I want nothing more than to be accused and convicted of being a True Believer!
No couple who waited until they married to kiss ever regretted it. And this isn't as unusual as you might think. We know many families other than the Duggars who practice this wise policy. I wish we we had been one of them.
Legalism is doing something because you think God will love you more. Holiness is when you do something to honor the Lord - big difference.

I don't think they are too strict at all! I saved my first kiss for my wedding day....never dated....and, seriously, my husband and I had no problem on our wedding night. If you honor the Lord by abstaining, as His Word says, from the very APPEARANCE of evil, then He will bless you abundantly for your obedience. By not kissing, you are knocking out the temptation of going further....and believe you me, things can escalate fast when lips lock. By giving side hugs and having chaperones, you are really killing the root of what causes many problems. Bravo to them. I wish all followers of Christ took temptation, sin, purity, and holiness so seriously.
I think they are admirable. More parents should set boundaries. The lack of boundaries is the reason so many kids are wandering around lost in this world. Now, hopefully they are not naive enough to believe that kids cannot find ways around rules.
I don't believe that the Duggars are one bit radical!!They have not forced any of their kids to court and not to date. The older girls have all made that clear in their book "Growing Up Duggar" that their convictions are based on what they individually choose not what their parents tell them to do. Also, Jessa Duggar and Ben Seewalt who are courting, came up with their own Courting standards and brought them to Jim Bob and Michelle. The parents never told them what to do!
I believe that dating is just setting a person up for divorce. Get together and breaking up. When a person gets married and all they have done is break up if it doesn't work... do you think the cycle is going to change?
Now that does bring up the point that many have asked "don't many courtship couples break off their relationships? " Yes! When one believes that it is not God's plan then they can call it off. But the big difference is you don't have any baggage from the physical side of the relationship that the unchaperoned dating relationship can cause and that you aren't just dating around for fun but you have a purpose!!!
Now I am currently single and am saving my first kiss for my wedding day and I admire the Duggar girls so much. They are an encouragement to me to keep on waiting. I know the Lord has a special plan for each of His children!!
Vicki Crowe's avatar

Vicki Crowe · 565 weeks ago

I was raised in a very strict home, but no Christian values were taught. Needless to say, I wish I had been raised in a true Christian home. Regardless of the home rules and how "Christian" they are, the Duggar children are honoring their mother and father by obeying their home rules, which also honor The Lord, and that should not be mauked or made fun of. How many children out in the world do you see honoring their mother and father today? The Duggars are setting Godly examples for us here in the United States- a place where so many find these examples to be extreme and outdated because we were raised by a generation that left The Lord, and the Church. I appreciate their testimony and their examples.

Post a new comment

Comments by