Written by my husband, Ken Alexander
Lori's recent viral post struck a chord where women on both sides of the issue lined up to voice their agreement or stark disagreement over a husband's responsibility towards household chores. A few days later, it made it to the Daily Mail news source out of the UK titled Blogger is blasted over 'outdated' advice for a happy marriage as she urges women to 'do your housework cheerfully'. The reason it struck such a viral cord is twofold: First because it did not fit with the progressive women's agenda when Lori teaches that a wife married to a husband unwilling to meet her expectations should just take the high road and love him anyway. Second, because this is one of the hottest sources of frustration for most wives in the modern world.
In my early years of marriage, Lori was often frustrated with me as her perception was that I was not doing enough to help her. I was at the time struggling to build a consulting firm and my head was stressed to its max as I raced across the US and Europe seeking success and security that comes from a good reputation. Hardly was I focused on housework after working a sixty hour week, and to be honest, I really detested household chores. But I had no issues caring for the kids, or cooking meals, and vacuuming. But dishes and cleaning was not my idea of my role in the relationship.
Too often the root of this frustration came to Lori after talking to a family member or friend who helped to create the heart of the unmet expectations. I recall having a wonderful weekend with my wife, enjoying each other and the kids, and walking along in harmony together. I left on a trip and just after I got the the hotel in New York City, I grabbed the telephone and dialed the woman I had just spent a great week with. Looking out over Central Park from the 18th story with the lights surrounding it and darkness at the center, Lori answered the phone.
How's it going babes?
Oh, I'm fine?
Did you have a good day?
It was fine.
Well I had a good trip out, and my client put me up in a really nice hotel room overlooking the Park. It's way too expensive, but a really nice view. I wish you were here to share it with me!
Ya, you know Ken, you really don't help me enough around the house. We have four kids now and you know my stomach is not well. You really need to help me more.
Oh, WOW! Where is that coming from? You know I help a lot with the kids, and when you are sick I often cook the meals and take care of things. I don't get what you want from me? What happened between the time I left you this morning and I landed in NY?
I was talking to a friend today and she told me that you really should be helping me more. What I need is more help. My friend's and sisters' husbands help their wives more.
Wait a second. You are telling me that when I kissed you goodbye today, you were doing great with our relationship and fine with how much I was helping around the house? Somehow between that moment and now you have talked to someone and you are upset over our relationship? I don't know what to tell you, but I don't understand how your friends have anything to do with us and how we live out our marriage together.
Unmet expectations will kill any relationship. Lori's post hits the nail on the head, that many wives are dissatisfied with their husband's efforts to help them around the home. It is into this angry cauldron of frustration that Lori's post struck a cord, and those who are frustrated, or controlling, or just angry feminists lashed out at the clear and appropriate message that Lori gave.
And guess who gets to decide how much housework is "their fair share?" The wife does! And if it is not enough, or not done in the right timing, she gets to delve out the punishment of a bad mood, upsets, headaches and withholding affection. After all, my needs are not being met, so if you want me happy, you will do as I tell you to do. It would be an interesting survey to discover what most men think about housework and their wife's moods to control them in this area of the marriage.
What Lori did say was, if you expect your man to help more around the home, and your expectations go unmet, don't allow this to destroy your relationship, as so many young wives have a tendency to do. You may also discover that your husband is not the cause of your upsets, but instead it is your own unsubmissive heart that God desires change by His Word, to make you and your marriage more like Jesus.
This is our story. We could not be happier with each other now, yet we suffered needlessly with unmet expectations destroying our harmony and intimacy. Did you ever think that true love and intimacy comes from accepting your spouse just the way they are, flaws, foibles and all, yet praying that God will do His mighty work in their hearts to help turn them into the man or wife of your dreams? And all the while much of the real journey is God's work in your own life, helping to use marriage and your spouse to make you more like Jesus, and show you what it means to truly love one another.
This same Jesus taught us to be servants, to expect little of others, to give grace upon grace, and to lay down our lives for our friends. But when expectations are unmet, will you continue to allow them to ruin the very thing you are looking for in love and intimacy? Or will you put your own perceived needs aside for the good of the relationship, and to try to win your spouse by heaping love upon the heartache? By seeking their good even when they are not always in tune with what is best for you?
This looks much more like the Jesus I know and love. The one who gave his life for others, and washed their feet first. I am also grateful for a wife who after 20 years of being disappointed in me finally deciding to try things God's ways in pleasing her man. Helping me to grow a heart much more like Jesus, and a joyful marriage done God's ways, with no nagging or bitterness, just love and acceptance.
Go ahead, and make your husband's life as happy as you can, because in doing so you become the big winner as God makes you more like Jesus. Then trust that God will do his mighty work in your man's heart as you invest the love and life of Jesus in him. Who knows, maybe he will indeed be won by the promise of God, as I was, to fall head over heels in love with my wife, even more than the day we were married. At the heart of marriage is vulnerability, and until we are ready to let go of our own selfish expectations and put the other spouse first, we can never find that same unconditional love that God gives to us every day, in Christ Jesus.
"Why do two become one if life is trials and fears?
If minds and hearts become stunned, by the person we hold so dear?
The answer lies in love you see, struggles will help us grow,
For only through pain it seems can be, the commitment of love that two can know.
We can't forget love's purpose here, for Christ is the one we wed,
He's the one who holds us dear, my Lord is the one who says,
"Take my hand I will lead you on, through joy and sorrow loves endeavor,
I am by your side the victory is won, your lives are mine together."
Ken Alexander, 1980 (our wedding day)
If any one would be first, he must be last, and the servant of all.
Mark 9:35
Logging you in...
Dave · 457 weeks ago
Therein lie the rules – God’s rules - for any argument: are we thinking with the carnal mind or with the spiritual mind? Each of us, by our sin nature and immersed in our sin laden environment, looks at arguments with a carnal mind; we compare to the arguments of others. But scripture [Jesus Himself] is clear about itself …er, Himself: compare all to Me …scripture. Instead of getting caught in the snare of the world’s ‘rules’ we are to use the Father’s rules of engagement. For this post topic I suggest asking questions that relate to scripture, like “is the wife glorifying the husband?’ – 1 Cor 11:7. Is she submitting / subject to her husband in everything? – Eph 5, 1 Pet 3. Does she fear and respect her husband, etc? Or is our first response a ‘But, but ….God didn’t think of everything when He said that?’ Our call is into a step of faith, to ACT on God’s word and really come to know Him and see how He works.
One final thought for emphasis: We are only ‘spirit filled’ when we embrace, in faith [via action] , His words. Otherwise we are locked in carnality that dies and fades away. And deeper emphasis: Is our father God above or is our father Satan? The words of Jesus in John 8 say “If God were your Father you would love Me [and Jesus defines love of Him as keeping His commandments John 14:15].” And those who don’t “are of your father the devil.” Who is your father?
Milly · 457 weeks ago
I found your blog from your facebook post that went viral. I am a young Christian woman who was raised by generations of strong Christian women, who worked both in and out of the home. Many of your blog posts I find valuable and can relate to them, but like others, I find other topics you address, in particular, a wife's place in the home, rather judgemental.
I do believe you provide valuable Biblical advice so I will provide you my scenerio and ask for advice, not judgement.
I am a wife and mother of two children in her late 20s. When our children were little babies I worked very part time and spent the majority of my time at home and with family. When our eldest turned 3 my husband was provided the opportunity to go to medical school while working part time. This is his ultimate dream and I, because I love and support him, was willing to go back to work full time to help pay for school. I am now the CEO of a fairly large company and my husband works very part time and goes to school. He is working so hard and is at the top of his class. I am incredibly proud of him. Because of my salary we are able to pay for his school in cash not accumulate a cent of debt.
I will say that much of the time I am utterly and completely exhausted from keeping up the house, making healthy meals (we have a large garden and eat extreemly healthy), taking care of two small children before and after school as well as making sure my husband has meals packed for each day and all his clothes are ironed and cleaned.
I don't expect my husband to do more, but I do often feel completely overwhelmed.
Because we do not want to accumulate any debt (we don't have any) it is necessary that I continue my corporate career until my husband finishes school.
What advice would you give?
Rachel · 457 weeks ago
dalrock 9p · 457 weeks ago
This isn't scriptural. Not even close. The source of feminist resentment isn't a husband's "disobedience" to his wife's wishes.
Alisha · 457 weeks ago
canecaldo 9p · 457 weeks ago
Excellent comment(s).
Ken,
I'm compelled to continue because I think this post of yours works to undo the good of Lori's post, and because the vision of Christ on the cross is as stake. You wrote:
"if you believe or an instant that Jesus was not, and is not open to us with vulnerable heart, then I fear we will have to dispute what the example of the cross is all about.
God himself takes on the most vulnerable position of becoming man, and allows mankind to murder him on the cross. That is not to say he was never strong, or never lead, or will not be Ruler and King of this world where every knee shall bow. But he is the husband's example "to be like Christ to his wife," and this includes a great deal of vulnerability, while never giving up one's responsibility to lead. She must trust him completely, and at times, to earn that trust we place ourselves in a vulnerable spot, becoming all things to her, so that we may win her heart.
The Christian marriage is a process, not a thing that happens day one where husband leads and wife willingly follows. We must learn together what that means, and in doing so, both parties must allow the other fully into their heart, dropping their defenses and fortress to create together a marriage done God's ways."
The Gospel is that the Father fore-ordained and prophesied that his only begotten Son was to be sacrificed for us. The Father did so that we may be reconciled to Him, and Christ, who is in the Father, of course agreed.
Christ was confident and obedient to God the Father and His will; not hopeful of men and their goodwill. Please understand that what you have said is that Christ compelled the Father to save us by jumping onto the cross; that crucifixion was Jesus' "submissive" way to force the Father's to offer us salvation and to lure us to it. It was not a lure. It was not a test. It was not a strong-arm tactic. It was the obedient service by a dutiful son. "And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” [...] “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.”
Jesus did not come here to "win our hearts", and His service was to the Lord. To say otherwise is not the Gospel. In fact is it totally convoluted and therefore morally perverse. Do you see the difference?
Rob · 457 weeks ago
Knowing Ken and Lori as well as i do, they are genuinely obedient to the Lord, not just the word of God. Buy the truth of God. When following Chris,t you cannot pick and chose what you want and then judge others for them living by the truth
Yes, husbands should be serving their wives and yes wives should be serving their husbands. Let's look at how they should be doing that if they are in Christ
Husband provide and protect and wives keep the home and discipline the kids when Dad isn't home. In some areas husbands and wives serve each other differently; that's all this is about. Husbands don't get the easy way or soft way and neither do wives. We are called to work hard to make the family whole.
A husband can sure help with housework but it shouldn't be expected. Sure a wife some Christians believe can have a small job. But if we are in Christ, we have to live by the truth NOT our feelings and emotions because that leads us to disappointment arguing and fighting.
If we are truly in Christ then we need to understand our roles in Christ and understands how to serve each other. Husband are not called to lazy sloths
Wives work darn hard at home raising children and keeping the house In order and there is a reason why men are not called to be at home. I would much rather handle the stress of the fighting traffic making enough for mortgage payments and groceries then handle the kids all day
Husbands and wives BOTH don't have it easy and yes serving each other is what it's all about in my opinion. Too many people fight the Lord and his ways because they all want the easy way and there way.
Beating up on Lori Alexander is just pathetic. Lori doesn't judge anyone; she speaks truth. This world is so broken because of selfish, sinful behavior plain and simple.
Michelle · 457 weeks ago
Dave · 457 weeks ago
I suggest that the church has bastardized how men ‘serve.’ Men serve their wives and children and church and community by challenging them with the truth. That was the foundation of Christ coming to earth [for His death and resurrection would be meaningless without it]. And it is the foundation of men being on earth, as God’s representative. Men NEVER take a break from serving out truth. They may take a break from working or taking out the trash or washing the car or even sex [if their wife agrees – last example only]. But ALWAYS on their mind is Jesus, who is the truth. Men are always to be promoting Jesus, and dishes or laundry should remain dirty if they are in the way of Jesus. We have made men into women and that is a sin just like murder, fornication, extortion – “be not …effeminate” 1Cor6:9-10. That simply means be not soft on the truth. And as we grow in the image of Christ, we become more firm on truth.
Aunt Roselyn · 457 weeks ago
Second, the use of the adjective, disobedient, implies a parent/child relationship. I believe two adults work together to find their unique pattern for their unique marriage. This takes a couple of years to work through for almost all couples, possibly with some minor conflicts involved. (It is sad that it took you and Lori 20 years!) It is not formulaic or one-size-fits-all. As for your uncle and me, we are happily at 59 years and counting!
Ken · 457 weeks ago
Excellent correction on the first paragraph ad I have edited to add "when Lori teaches that..." That makes it more clear.
As far as "disobedient husband" the readers would see that as an allusion to verses Lori references regularly in I Peter 3:1:
"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives."
Lori and I had a typical marriage for the first 20 years. Ups, does, arguing, upsets, but lots of laughs and good times. You saw us. We certainly were not in many of our regular upsets that lasted long, she felt like she always needed more from me, and I felt like I was on a tread mill that would never end trying to chase down her needs and displeasure with me.
The Rooks women are pretty strong in personality :). So if you and Wiley did great your first 20 years, Lord bless you! You have to get along well when you travel around on a sailing boat for months on end.
It will be fun to see you soon!
I just finished witnessing to a young medical student in India who sees Christianity as evil. Hmm... a caste of Hinduism with a 160 million untouchables who have no hope of salvation somehow is a better system than the religion that has given us almost all of the major advances of the modern era? Better yet, everyone can participate in the plan of God by believing in Jesus and instantly be saved by grace.... no works or goodness necessary before coming to him, but certainly lots of good works afterwards. Perspectives sure can be skewed.
Mrs. G. · 456 weeks ago
Jeff · 456 weeks ago
You know for a fact christian men and most men in general do a ton of housework. No, they might not clean up after dinner but all the couples I know do an even share. That still doesnt stop the complaints I over hear about them not doing enough because they never could do enough.
I for one have STOPPED all help with laundry dishes vacuuming, dusting groceries. I only do things she is not able, ie electic wood work hard landscaping etc.
She complained and complained that I either did it wrong or not enough. For the last 10 years she know now how much I did do and regrets her complaining because now she gets to do it all.
Our kids will not even help with xmas tree because she re- does it any way. She is sewing what she has reaped.
Your wife is right, and you would be wise to let those women complain because no matter what or how much their wives do, it will not be appreciated and will never be enough.
cnystrom62 0p · 456 weeks ago