Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Her "Wants" and "Feelings" are Destroying Her Marriage

Ever since I have known her, she has been mad at her husband, even before she married him! I asked her to ponder why she is always mad at him and she responded {notice how many times she says "I want" or "I feel"} ~

"I can't explain why I stay mad at him. I thought about it. I WANT to live in harmony with my husband BUT I want it to be mutual. When I don't feel like he is being a great husband or if he does things that I don't like {like going out whenever he wants while I'm stuck at home with the kids} then it is easier for me to get upset with him because I'm not getting what I want. Many times, I feel like I've been given the short end of the stick and don't enjoy life and feel like I'm missing out on a lot. Many friends my age are out enjoying life freely. I feel way older than I am and feel trapped in a box just surviving while my husband is living the life he wants to live; he leaves when he pleases, he does what he wants and seems to enjoy his life much more than I enjoy mine. I'm mad because I wish we could enjoy life together and enjoy each other but it doesn't seem like I'm a priority to him. I envy other couples who genuinely love each other's company and spend lots of time doing things they enjoy together. He and I don't know how to do that."

First of all, you have been angry with him long before you were married. He never did live up to your expectations. You never have enjoyed him. Nothing changes after you marry. Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't enjoy being with you because he knows you disapprove of him and he can never live up to your expectations?

No man has ever crawled out from under his wife's criticism to become a better man {Debi Pearl}. I remember asking you if you ever smiled at him. This was before you got married and I was mentoring you. You told me you never did because you were always angry with him. You knew exactly what you were getting when you married him. 

We need to take your finger from pointing at him and point it at you. I KNOW he is not perfect and has faults but it is NOT your responsibility to convict and change him. You have shared your disappointments and hurts with him. He knows but as long as you stay mad at him, you will never win him and have the type of relationship you want.

Both of you come from difficult backgrounds. You both brought in a lot of baggage into the marriage. You weren't raised with any godly role models. However, you are both new creatures in Christ. Your past died and is forgiven through the precious blood of our Savior. Now, begin living the new life that He died to give you. Forgive him for all of his sins and mistakes. Yes, it is easier to hold onto anger and unforgiveness, but you are just giving Satan a foothold into your life and home. God wants you to forgive him as He has forgiven you.

Many women, like you, are not experiencing marriage the way they thought they would. Reality rarely lives up to our expectations. God never promises us happy marriages but He does tell us that godliness with contentment is GREAT gain. Therefore, you need to work on becoming godly. Spend daily time in His Word. Are you doing this? Fill your mind with good things. Stop filling it with garbage from the world. Work on becoming thankful and filled with gratitude for all the good things the Lord has done for you and how He provides for you.

Maybe your friends aren't having that good of a time. Going shopping and to movies and just hanging out gets old too. They may appear to be happy but are they really? We should never compare our lives to others. We are to measure our lives with Jesus. Are we becoming more like Him? This is all that matters; not if life is going the way you planned. 

I bet your husband would be enjoying his life a whole lot more if you loved him just the way that he was. He would take that over his "freedom" any day and besides, then he would probably want to be home with you more if he actually enjoyed being with you. You never enjoy someone who doesn't accept you the way that you are, NEVER. You will never have the marriage you envision if you continue to stay mad and disappointed in him.

He works hard so you can be at home with the children. He is talented and good looking. He is easy to talk to. He has many good qualities. You are beautiful. Your smile lights up the room when you use it! You are also easy to talk to. You are both wonderful people. There is NO reason you can't have a great marriage. The only way you will ever get that, however, is to accept him just the way that he is and shower love upon him.

Stay focused upon his good qualities and throw away his bad. Let the Lord deal with him in his sins and faults. He does a good job at that. Begin thanking the Lord for him and all the things you love about him. Your ministry right now is to your husband, your children and your home. This is a HIGH calling from the Lord. You are raising godly offspring! There is nothing more important than that.

We love both of you and want the best for you. We would love to see you happily married to each other and we know you can accomplish this but you must give up all of your expectations and allow the Lord to build your marriage His way. He commands you love, respect, please, serve and obey your husband. Do marriage on His terms and you WILL reap beautiful fruit!

With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, 
forbearing one another in love.
Ephesians 4:2

***This is what she just sent me, "Your email was good for me to read. It's the truth. Taking it day by day and learning to rely on the Lord and His Word." Made my day!!!