Can Women Have Casual Sex?

Meredith Viera had a conversation recently with Stacey Dash whom I had never heard of before and this is how the conversation went ~

Meredith: You have taken a vow of celibacy. Stacey: Yes I have. Meredith: How come? Stacey: I have taken that vow of celibacy because I have learned that casting my pearls before swine is kind of what I have been doing and not holding it more valuable. I am not capable.  Meredith: You mean sex before marriage? Stacey: Yes, that is what I mean. I am not capable of having casual sex. I realized that about myself.  There are women who can and I’m not judging anyone. I just realized I cannot. Meredith: You know I had sex with my husband before we got married and we’re doing pretty well. Stacy: I had sex with my three husbands before we got married and it didn’t work out too well.  Meredith: Do you think it’s the sex part that’s the problem? Stacey: It’s not about them. It’s about me.

Stacy is a beautiful woman! It is just so sad that she has had to go through what she's gone through since she probably wasn't taught Truth growing up. When children aren't given a strong moral compass, heartache happens in their lives.

She should have been taught not to throw her "pearls before swine" and saving sex for marriage while she was growing up. She also said that she wants young women to know that they don't need to find their identity in a man. She tried finding this the wrong way through multiple marriages. Teach your daughters that their identity is in Christ and who they are in Him. Teach them to be vow keepers, how to be godly, submissive wives to their husbands and to love and please them. 

Stacy tried the world's way and it turned out to be a lot of heartache for her. I am sad for her and the many women out there like her. Yes, it is good that she is no longer having casual sex with guys. I really don't believe any woman is capable of having casual sex. Yes, since the feminist revolution, women have "thrown off their shackles" and began having casual sex "like men." They thought they would find freedom in this but they have not. Women are emotional beings. We can't help but let our emotions become involved. It is the way that God has created us. {I'm not sure men can either because I think casual sex for men is a false and empty search for intimacy.} We were created in God's image. We are NOT animals! We are human beings created for deep connections with others.

One woman in the chat room said that all men cheat. They weren't created to be monogamous. Baloney!!! Men can absolutely remain faithful to one women all of their days. There are MANY men who have done and can testify of this Truth. All men can be monogamous if they are taught Truth, self-control and their value in Christ.

Also, when we teach women that they shouldn't have sex before marriage and save themselves for their husband, it is NOT judging! This is a lie from Satan; teaching Truth is not judging. Don't ever be afraid to speak Truth for God works through Truth. His Word NEVER comes back void. 

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12

***PLEASE watch this 8-minute video and have your daughters watch it with you. It is for Christian women and why they are listening to and believing the lies society is telling them instead of God's wonderful plan for their lives. 

Arguing with Your Teenager

Arguing with your teenager seems to be a common things these days. I teach that as godly women, we should NOT argue with our husband. Arguing, quarreling and fighting with our husband is forbidden in Scripture, so why wouldn't this apply to our teenagers also?

I argued with one of my teenagers. We didn't have that good of a relationship during the teenage years. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I know I was wrong. I was the adult and instead of arguing with them, I should have poured love and affection upon them for we are commanded to overcome evil with love.  After they were grown up, I have apologized to them and told them how wrong I was and how I wish I would have treated them differently. They agreed and wish I would have responded with love and affection instead since arguing destroys the relationship instead of making it better. They forgave me.

The teenage years are turbulent, difficult years as most of you can remember. Your hormones begin; looks become all consuming; you're noticing the opposite sex and their view of you and then there is all the other girl junk you usually have to put up with: envy, jealousy and gossip. Teenagers don't need their parents to be arguing with them during these years. They need their parents support and encouragement, even if they are struggling in their relationship with the Lord; especially if they are struggling in their relationship with the Lord. The Lord is patient and long-suffering with us. We must be this towards our own children.

Whenever I hear or see anyone on another blog say or write that they are constantly arguing with their teenager, I give them this advice and they have always thanked me, knowing it sounded like the godly and biblical way to handle their teen. Yes, continue to set boundaries, follow through on discipline if they break the boundaries but do it in a kind and loving way. No need to be angry with them since anger does NOT achieve the righteous life that God desires. Also, as your teenager gets older, you  must loosen the reins on them and not be so strict since the major disciplining and training years are when they are young. If they have a rebellious and disobedient heart, pour burning coals upon them {heap love upon them, Romans 12:20}, pray for them and overcome evil with good as the Good Book commands that we do. This will be MUCH more effective at winning them to the Lord and keeping the relationship close between the two of you than arguing and fighting will.

If you have a problem with getting angry and arguing with them, do a word study in the Bible by looking up all the verses about anger and arguing, write them on post-its and put them in areas around your home so you will see them. We are transformed by renewing our minds with God's Truth, so remind yourself consistently of Truth and the Holy Spirit who lives mightily within you will give you the strength and wisdom to live it out. Also, look up anything to do with being at peace with others and pursuing peace. These are also great verses to commit to memory.

Arguing never accomplishes anything good or worthy. It never mends relationships but simply pulls them apart and your teenage draws farther away from you. Don't let this happen anymore! You are the mother of the two of you so it is your responsibility to be the one who takes the high ground and treats your teenager with love and warmth, even if you think they don't deserve it for this is how the Lord treat us.

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:21

Follow peace with all men, 

and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord.

Hebrews 12:14

Sex, Romance, Lies and Responsibility

{Written by Ken}

Recently Lori showed me a top Christian psychologist's blog post giving an excellent summary of the ideals for romance and sex within a godly Christian marriage. God’s ideal for sex within a Christian marriage is that it would be reasonable in what is done in the marriage bed, spicy hot at times, but remain within God’s clear instructions where both partners feel safe and secure as they show their vulnerability and love to each other. When married couples have a great sex life it often becomes the glue that bonds their hearts and minds with a deep and abiding intimacy. And of course, God knew all of this when he created this wonderful gift for humankind.

The issue I have with a discussion on sex is that it often gets quickly unbiblical when ideals of romance are given by well-intentioned Christian relationship coaches, yet it no longer matches up with plain teaching of the scriptures. Much of what they write aims for an idealistic romantic love, but fails to keep it real to life, or the Bible. Most of us don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to be able to create a romantic mood every time we want sex. Schedules have to be met, stresses dealt with, kids are crying, pots and pans have to be cleaned, and not everyone has a budget for date night three times a week. Does God's Word say anything about the need to create romance before sex? Certainly I am not against this ideal in any way, but when Christian relationship coaches sound like it is a prerequisite to love making it makes me write to try "to speak the truth in love."  

Imagine the apostle Paul teaching about marriage oneness and throwing in a few verses on how a husband needs to help create the right mood so that sex always comes within the context of romance, affection and love. No, the apostle instead said it very plainly, knowing that most of mankind will never experience one date night in their lifetime, let alone hundreds of them. Straight shooting Paul just says it like it is under the inspiration of God Himself, keeping it real by saying very plainly:

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. {I Corinthians 7:3-5}

Whoa!  That does not sound like any modern-day relationship teaching whatsoever! Didn’t God know that women would be given freedom over their own bodies, not just to withhold sex from their husbands when they don’t feel like it, but to have sex outside of marriage at 15 and run and get an abortion without their parents even knowing about it? 

If God says your body is not your own when it comes to sex with your spouse it’s because He knows what is best for you and your marriage. Just like all things in life, when we decide we know better than God we start going way off track and mess it all up.  Instead, if we will trust that God says what He means and means what He says, we can experience many of His greatest blessings.

Ok, I can hear the detractors now. “What about the wife who is married to a jerk, or the wife who it hurts when she has sex? What about when a wife has a headache, or she just prefers to only have sex once a week, or once a month? What about the poor girl who had some sort of sexual interferences that make it so she doesn’t enjoy sex much?” All part of the exceptions intended to throw up a smoke screen over the rule that, "your body is not yours alone."

I am not saying that there is never a reason a spouse can't say, "Please not today." and expect some understanding when such times happen. I have been married to a wife who has probably had more sick or pain-filled days than pain-free in our 35 years of marriage. Patience, compassion and understanding must be the watch words of every loving husband. What I am saying is that our society has filled our modern minds with many lies, and it is hard to cut through them all, yet there is one way to do so!  Trust God at His Word and obey Him so you may see what blessings He will give you by your obedience to the duty of love He commands.

Lori and I were laughing over an interaction about the wife who might ration sex out to her husband. “Honey, I only want sex twice a month and you seem to want it every day, so let’s compromise at once a week. Ok?” “Umm…” mumbles the husband, “can we maybe compromise at twice a week?”

Our laughter came when we changed the illustration to something similar. “Honey, as the main bread winner in the family, I think we should only eat once a day. That is going to save on the budget and keep us from being overweight. I mean think about, aren’t we going to love eating when we ration it, instead of eating all the time?” “Umm…” mumbles the wife, “can we maybe compromise at eating twice a day?”

Regular and frequent sex is a basic bodily need for most men and some women. Can it be controlled and should it?  You bet, but God in His wisdom tells us not to not deprive our spouse, which probably means when they ask we should not be the one deciding when we are going to have sex. How many times have we heard how about tomorrow and yet tomorrow comes and goes and no fulfillment of the promise? Something else came up again. 

When your spouse gives you that smile, wink, or the nod, or gently takes your hand and starts up to the bedroom, what are we supposed to do? Joyfully follow knowing that it is for our own good even when we don’t feel like it. How often has your “don’t feel like it” turned into the best choice you made that day? A lot. Science tells us of many fabulous benefits to a healthy sex life, and psychology concurs. Regular sex is great medicine for the heart, mind, body and marriage.  

If there are compromises in sex, it should not be with the frequency, but instead with the timing, and the time spent. Quick sex may not be as enjoyable as having long romantic date nights, followed by candlelight and burning incense, with thirty minutes of teasing and foreplay, but it completely fulfills God’s admonition. Of course, God knows that a woman is a crock pot and a man a microwave when it comes to sex. We are built differently, and when a wife desires romantic crockpot sex a husband should try to oblige, just as she should meet his need for frequency. Instant coffee can taste really good, compared to no coffee at all.

How frequent? Guess who God says gets to decide? And trust me, one of the main reasons why many husbands seem like they want sex every day is because many wives are not readily available to them. Rationed sex will keep a husband hungry just as rationed food will keep a stomach hungry. Once availability is freely given, most husbands are happy with every other day, or less. But if you married a spouse who wants the intimacy of sex almost every day, find a way to meet that need with them, instead of having them looking for love in all the wrong places. Self-control, or any lack thereof, is on them, but when you can help by fulfilling your God given role, be there for them.

If you don’t enjoy sex that often, that’s OK. Try to learn to enjoy having the person you say you love the most in the whole world enjoy you, and the body God gave to you share with him freely as a gift to your marriage. After all, there are many responsibilities we don’t enjoy doing in life, but we sure love the benefits that come when we are faithful to our duties.

Even during times when our marriage was struggling for intimacy, we generally had a healthy sex life because we knew this important principle of the scriptures. One early morning Lori hopped back in bed and said to me, “I was just listening to this couple on Focus on the Family and they said it only takes five minutes a day to please your man. I can give you five minutes so long as it is in the mornings.” Wow!  That was music to my ears.

Remember, this was long before the arguing stopped and the desire to be submissive found its way into Lori’s heart. This was pure obedience to the Word, coupled with love and understanding, which may have become the glue that helped hold a difficult marriage together. We still did date nights, but the regular sex was one of the healthiest gifts that a wife can give to a stressed out husband who is battling the world to feed his family and get them the very best things of life.

In conclusion, I am all for romantic, spicy hot, and some reasonable fantasy fulfilling sex, but when one spouse wants more frequency then such weekly or monthly events can provide, it is time to develop a new approach to spicy hot sex that takes five minutes or less; maybe ten some days. Figure out how to please your spouse by keeping the love flame lit all day long by creating a fun sexual tension that wants to be fulfilled by both spouses regularly. Fun, intimate, private sexual teasing throughout the day can keep the flames blazing, so long warm up times are unnecessary. Why is it that affairs often take minutes, but relationship coaches keep perpetuating this idea that loving husbands must continually romance their wives to put them in the mood for sex; and of course the best romantic move is doing the dishes? An idealism that often leads to disappointments instead of the teaching of God's Word. 

If you want to keep your spouse happy do just a few simple things: Smile at them when they enter the room; be kind to them; keep arguing to a minimum, and have a lifelong passionate affair with the one you married. Begin with these things and build towards an intimate oneflesh marriage that honors the Lord and honors your spouse. After all, your body is not your own.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Mrs. White's Prescription for Godly Mothers

Mrs. Sharon White has a blog called The Legacy of the Home. She has been a housewife for more than quarter of a century, granddaughter of a revival preacher, beloved wife, Mother of five and Grandmother of five. Here is a brief summary of one of her posts that gives a challenging prescription for those who want to be a godly mother!

Strive to live a simple, unworldly life.

Read the Bible more than any other reading material. Read it to ponder. Read it while praying. Read it while weeping. Read it for strength.

Pray with all thy heart and soul and strength.

Live out your commitments without wavering…You will be a shining example of a dedicated, responsible soul if you can be trusted to keep your word.

Work hard…whether it is in your housekeeping, cooking, mothering, gardening or what have you. Do it with pride and commitment.

Talk about God with your children.

Offer grace and mercy to your children. Do not hold grudges. Forgive at once…Forgive, smile, show compassion and love them with every bit of your strength.

Speak life into your children…Praise them and tell them how much you love them.

Do good things for your children…Make a pleasant and loving home for your family…Show them love through your actions.

Live out a godly life before them. Pray openly. Read your Bible openly…

Confess your faults…Show them that none of us are flawless, but God has great mercy and we can only cling to Him as the source of our hope.

 Never bend. Know what your convictions are and do not change them with the times. Do not try to join in sinful, worldly living just to be friends with your children. You are the Mother. You are the example. You must stay strong and live out a godly, holy life before your family. Do not bend to their childish, immature worldly whims. I cannot stress this enough. Children will grow up, remembering your example. One day they will cling to the old ways and realize it was your source of strength. Long after you are dead and gone, dear mother, they will remember your strong character and godly ways. Don’t underestimate the power of a committed, godly life. {I wrote this whole point out since I loved it SO much!}

Realize that money and things are never going to be more important than one’s convictions…Do not let money, things, or the world’s standard of life destroy your only chance of bringing up godly children.

She looks well to the ways of her household,

 and eats not the bread of idleness.

Proverbs 31:27

*Please go visit her blog to read this post in its entirety. She has also written a few books! One is called Mother's Faith and it is a "collection of essays from a homeschooling mother of five, who has suffered through heartbreak and worry over her teenagers and young adults. Here you will find encouragement, hope, and support in your efforts at raising a godly generation in this difficult world."
photo source

God's Will for Young Women

"I will therefore that young women get an education, preferably at a well-known University; study hard, get good grades and figure out what career you want; after graduation, travel a bit and have fun with the freedom you have with the money you earn from your career; when you're in your 30s, maybe see if there are any wealthy, handsome men around that you may want to marry; after you are settled in a nice home with all the modern appliances, maybe, if you feel like it, have one or two babies but make sure you put them in preschool as soon as possible so you can keep your career and have lots of money to pursue your dreams, etc." {Feminism 1:1-20}

However, if you are a godly woman who desires to please the Lord, you must look in His Word to find out what He wants for you. What does the Lord want for most young women today; "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully" {1 Timothy 5:14}. "NO! That can't be! What if my husband dies? What if he leaves me for another woman? What if we can't afford a nice home, babies and family vacations?  The world is overpopulated so this must be so outdated. Surely, he wants more from me than this???"

Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away {Matthew 24:35}. Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for ever {Hebrews 13:8}. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it {Genesis 1:28}. And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they two shall be one flesh {Matthew 19:5}.

THIS is God's will for the majority of young women. Yes, some women will never marry and they are free to pursue what they believe the Lord's will is for them since, "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the affairs of the Lord, so that she may be holy in body and spirit" {1 Corinthians 7:34}.  There are examples of women in the Bible who use their singleness {due either to losing a husband or never getting married; it is not clear} for serving others in some capacity and serving the Lord. However, there are many women who would LOVE to be married but are never asked. I wonder if it is due to feminism that so many women either don't get married or get married late. Men believe that women no longer need them since the women today are all so highly educated with careers. John Mac Arthur admonished his congregation about this. He said if it was up to him, he would have all the godly women in his church on one side of the auditorium and the godly men on the other side and tell them to match up and get married! "Let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband" {1 Corinthians 7:2}. Men and women today seem afraid to get married which should not be the case since God created marriage because He knew it was not good for man to be alone. However, since the majority of women do eventually get married, this is whom I am writing for. 

Look at the verse below that explains what older women should teach young women  and how it deals with husbands, children and the home! Therefore, what is God's will for most young women? I don't think it's hidden in God's Word. It is to marry, BEAR CHILDREN {Yes, this is God's will for you, women! You don't have to wonder about it or agonize about the decision. God LOVES children and wants His people to be fruitful and multiply. He has NEVER changed His mind!}, and guide the home {be keepers at home!!!}. It's simple, clear-cut and isn't difficult to understand. Being a help meet to your husband, raising godly offspring and taking care of all the affairs of your home is GOD'S WILL FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Relish in it. Rejoice in it! 

If you struggle with all the duties of keeping a home, struggle in your marriage, or need help and wisdom in raising godly offspring, please sign up for our school to get your Mrs. degree! You can sign up HERE! I wrote this post several years ago and women LOVED it! I have added what Emily could teach you since she's been added to our family since I wrote this post. This is the kind of school young women should be attending instead of being indoctrinated with feminist's garbage and empty philosophy that corrupts their minds and souls.  Cease, my son, to hear the instruction that causeth to err from the words of knowledge {Proverbs 19:27}.

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Titus 2:4,5

A Godly Woman Has a Submissive Disposition

Interior Design has been a great study! If you have noticed, I change some of the titles of the chapters a bit to let you know what we are really being taught. This weeks chapter is titled "Disposition" but it's mostly about submission. The word "submission" would probably turn too many women off, unfortunately, since many think of abuse and evil connected with this word. However, this word is in the Bible to describe Christ's relationship to the Father; a wife's relationship to her husband; children's relationship to their parents; citizens relationship to their government and a few more. It is a good word and it shows how God designed order in all of these relationships so there are designated leaders and followers.

This book defines submission as having a responsive, lead-able spirit that is willing to be obedient to God-ordained authority whether you are married or not; it's about having an amenable, lead-able disposition that desires to honor God's authority by respecting His human authority.* It isn't stubbornly wanting your way, demanding you are right and being rebellious to authority. It is having a gentle and quiet spirit who understands that the Lord of all creation knows better than you do and you put your trust and hope in Him. 

Wives can win their husbands to the Lord through submission. They can win family members and friend who watch their marriage to the Lord, including their children. It is a powerful force that God uses in the life of wives to convict and change those around them, not to harm them in any way. It is a good word that we should all aspire to develop in our lives since God commands it of us and we love Him so deeply; not wanting to do anything that blasphemes His Holy Name. 

I love what Nancy Leigh DeMoss has to say about the popular term 'mutual submission.' "The term mutual submission is popular in Christian circles, but 'submitting to one another' doesn't mean that both parties in a chain of command are to submit to each other. It means we're to have a respectful disposition that inclines us to submit in all the relationships that call for submission. In some relationships you may have the responsibility to govern and in others the responsibility to submit."*

Being the one in authority isn't the easiest role as many falsely assume. It is actually the more difficult role since they are going to be held to a much higher standard than those who submit. Those in submission have to trust that the Lord will guide those in authority to make the right decisions and if they make the wrong decisions, the Lord will convict and change their minds. 

Therefore, women, remember that when you are submissive, either to your parents when you are young; your teachers as you are growing up; your employers if you have a job and your husband when you are married, you glorify the Lord! We are commanded to glorify the Lord in ALL that we do, thus when we have a gentle, quiet and submissive spirit, we are pleasing the Lord and bringing glory to Him.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:22-24

Watch the accompanying video on Disposition HERE.

*True Woman 201: Interior Design—Ten Elements of Biblical Womanhood, ©2015 by Mary A. Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission of Moody Publishers. You can buy the book HERE.

Introduction to Created to Be His Help Meet

On Monday, November 16th I'm going to do a study through this amazing book that has radically changed my marriage.  As the Interior Design study is drawing to a close, I was trying to think of another book I would like to teach. Then it dawned on me that I should do the book that has been instrumental in changing me and many others. 

I will be using the same book I have mentored many woman through. It is the first edition and was published in 2004. My mom gave me this book in 2005 and I was immediately convicted and challenged by Debi's words. I had read many Christian marriage books through the years since it was my deepest desire to be a godly wife but for some reason, none of them have challenged me the way Debi's did. I am strong-willed and I guess I needed another strong-willed woman to say it like it is.

Shortly after my mom gave me this book, we heard that the Pearls were going to be giving a conference a few miles from our home. I wanted to go badly. It was going to be a week-long conference with Michael Pearl teaching the book of Hebrews. The first night was going to be on marriage. Ken decided to go since he saw the change in me and wanted to meet this couple.

After the first night, Ken was hooked and we ended up making almost every session of this incredible week. We learned so much from Michael and I would even say today, eleven years later, that he is my favorite Bible teacher. He studies the Bible six hours a day and loves the Lord dearly. He's a tall, gruff man but when he sings old hymns about the Lord with his arms lifted high or even during times when he was teaching us about God's love, tears would spring from his eyes.

There was one session that Debi Pearl spoke to the women about her book. She was so fun to watch. Every session that Michael was teaching, she would sit on the front row and keep her eyes on him the whole time; many times nodding her head and smiling at him. One day, she was a bit late for the session and she came waltzing down the isle. He made a quick comment like, "She still turns me on!" Everyone could tell how crazy they were about each other. A few of their children and their spouses were there and they were friendly and joy-filled. You could tell that they loved the Lord and their joy came from knowing and loving Him. 

On the last day, they had a church meeting since it was Sunday. We brought our children and they enjoyed it. They were impressed with Michael's teaching and loved the warmth of the people. All the women were dressed modestly, only hymns were sung and men were the only ones who spoke. They take the Bible literally but they love fiercely and are some of the happiest people I've ever been around.

Since this is the book I have used to mentor many women, I thought it was time I went through it with all of you. Even if you don't have the book, I hope you will learn a lot from what Debi wrote. The newer editions have added chapters and she has softened some of her earlier language. She listened to the critics and changed some things women found offensive. Since I have the original book, I won't mention some of the offensive things unless I don't realize they are some of the things that have been removed! {You can get the 2004 edition used on Amazon.}

I pray this study will be as much of a blessing to you as it was to me. May the Lord be glorified through all that we learn and please feel free to comment and ask questions; even give your testimony if you feel so led.

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Titus 2:4, 5

She Does Him Good and Not Evil

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life" {Proverbs 31:10-13} Virtuous means, "conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright; chaste."

This is a high standard set for a godly wife. There is no way that we can live up to this definition unless we have the power of the Holy Spirit living in and through us. Everything I teach women to be and do must come from God's power living and working through you. However, if you are filled with the Spirit, you must continually renew your mind with God's Word and remind yourself that you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you.

Conforming to moral and ethical principles means we live lives that are above reproach. Our speech is wholesome; we read and watch things that are God-honoring; and we watch over our families carefully so evil will not invade our home with a ton of prayer mixed in. In order to do all this in this day and age, we must be vigilant and take every thought captive to the obedient of Christ meditating on His Word often.

Does your husband "safely trust in you?" Can he be sure that you are not sharing negative things about him to others or do you build him up in front of others? Do you keep his secrets only to yourself or do you share them? Can he trust you with your household money and make sure you are being a diligent keeper at home? Does he trust you to love him through sickness and health, rich or poor, in good times and bad times? Are you a covenant keeper to him until death do you part?

Do you do him good and not evil? This means you will support him through difficult times knowing that he makes mistakes and will sin once in awhile. You will forgive him easily and love him deeply. Your children will know that he is a priority in your life. You make sure his needs are abundantly met in every way. If he is going through a hard time, you will offer him comfort and encouragement and NOT use this as a time to shoot him down further.

Washington Irvine wrote a beautiful essay about the value of a godly wife, "So is it beautifully ordered by Providence, that woman, who is the mere dependent and ornament of man in his happier hours, should be his stay and solace when smitten with sudden calamity; winding herself into the rugged recesses of his nature, tenderly supporting the drooping head, and binding up the broken heart." Through good times and bad times until death do you part.

After God created Adam and saw he was alone, He created Eve to be his helpmeet and God saw it was good. Marriage was created by God and deeply valued by Him. Therefore, be a godly helpmeet to your husband who only does her husband good and not evil all the days of her life.
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She Doesn't Like to Cook

This woman doesn't like to cook because she'd "rather be a rock star professional who gets promoted so my kids can show off their cool career mom at career day at school. I'd rather be the mom who can teach my children real-world leadership skills so I can help prepare them for their future professional lives. Concepts they just won't learn in school, at least not the way I would want or have experienced myself."

So she'd rather her children be able to show her off at school one day a year than be home cooking nourishing food for them and taking care of them full-time. Unfortunately, many women share this same sentiment and don't like to cook preferring a career over keeping a home and family. I hear many women confess that they don't like to cook, even if they are home full-time. Therefore, they don't cook. Their family rarely gets home-cooked food so they go out to eat all the time or eat packaged, processed food. I don't like to clean bathrooms. It is a job I've never enjoyed. Maybe, I should stop cleaning the bathrooms.

Many men don't enjoy their jobs; some even greatly dislike them. They are demanding jobs with difficult people. Should they quit and allow their families to go hungry? Just because you don't like to cook, doesn't mean you shouldn't cook. I clean the bathrooms since they need to be kept clean. Ken has worked hard for our family for 35 years and it hasn't been easy. 

Women are called to be keepers at home and part of being a keeper at home is cooking. This is an important job in your home. Your family's health depends on you fixing nutritious food for them. Yes, it takes a lot of time to shop for healthy food and prepare it from scratch but it's what wives and mothers should do whether they like it or not.

A young woman recently told me her mother didn't like to cook but she has always cooked for her family. She knew this is what she was supposed to do so for many years, she has cooked. It's called sacrificing our wants and desires for others. We are called to be living sacrifices regardless if we like it or not. As believers, our calling is to be obedient to the Lord in everything, not satisfy our longings.

When I was in junior and senior high school, we had classes called Home Economics. I learned how to sew in junior high and how to cook in my senior high class! These were required classes back then. Unfortunately, they aren't anymore and even most colleges don't have classes teaching these important skills to women. No wonder so many women have no interest in being a keeper at home. However, mothers should be the ones training their daughters! They are the ones raising them and this should be a priority; teaching them how to be keepers at home.

To say that you don't like to cook needs to be done away with. There are many things in life that we don't enjoy doing but God commands, Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men {Colossians 3:23}. This includes ALL areas of keeping a home;  She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness {Proverbs 31:27}. You may never enjoy cooking but just understand whatever you do to serve your husband and family, you are doing unto the Lord! If you choose to eat healthy and make your meals from scratch, it will take a lot of time but this time is well spent since the we are called to nourish the bodies and souls of our family.

Remember that whatever the Lord has called you to do, He has given you the strength to accomplish it since He's given us His Holy Spirit that works mightily within. 

She is like the merchants' ships; 
she bringeth her food from afar.
Proverbs 31:14

Is Your Husband Your True Enemy?

Why do you argue and fight with your husband? You aren’t getting what you want. {James 4:1} We are fighting the wrong enemy with the wrong strategy. The enemy isn’t your husband! The enemy is Satan and his desire is to kill, steal and destroy. How are we supposed to fight this enemy? We fight it with the Word of God, faith and with prayer; the armor of the Lord. Many will ask, “But what about me?” The Lord is your greatest defense lawyer; He’s got your back! If God be for us, who can be against us? {Romans 8:31}

These were words I jotted down while watching the movie War Room. Truth was taught in this movie. Many women are constantly battling their husbands and end up destroying their marriages. Every wise woman builds her house: but the foolish plucks it down with her hands {Proverbs 14:1}. God hates complaining and being discontent. He hates a quarreling tongue. We need to stop thinking of our husband as the enemy and understand our true enemy’s tactics.

When we are arguing and fighting with our husbands, God calls us adulterers and adulteresses!  We argue and fight because of our lust for control, our lust to get what we want and our lust to be right. God said this is having friendship with the world since this is the way unbelievers act; whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. When we are lusting to have our way, we are being prideful and God resists the proud. Pride can be traced to the root of all sin.

What is the cure to fighting, quarreling, lusting, pride, and being called an adulteress? Humility; God gives grace unto the humble. This means you no longer fight and quarrel. You no longer need to be right. You no longer care about getting your way. You no longer want to argue with your husband and be in conflict with him. You allow the Lord to work in your life through His Word, prayer and believing. You submit yourselves therefore to God. Then James tells us to resist the Devil and he will flee. How do we resist the Devil? By allowing the Word of God to dwell in us richly, being full of thanksgiving and praise and praying to the Lord. Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you.

The final exhortation in James 4, Therefore to him that knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin. Yikes! Arguing and being in conflict with your husband is sinful. Stop! You know that now so you have NO excuse. Put on the full armor of God, walk in the Spirit and allow His Spirit to work in you mightily. Fight your true enemy; he is NOT your husband.

Suffering from Mommy Guilt?

A group of mothers were sitting on a couch discussing mommy guilt. "Every new mom knows the first time their child gets sick it's very traumatic; it's very scary. I found myself before the news {She's a newscaster} in the green room sobbing because my son was sick and I felt my heart was being pulled outside of my chest and I realized I was feeding myself all of this negative self-talk like, 'What am I doing? I'm being so selfish.' Then I would fantasize about being a stay-at-home mom and then the thought popped into my head to my shame, 'What if he's not proud of me when he gets older? What if he asks me why I gave up my TV job to be home with him? The guilt is real and it never ends.'" One of the women said that you'll always have guilt and they'll grow up to be teenagers and say, "I hate you, Mom." None of my children EVER said this to me! One of these mothers was a stay-at-home mom and felt guilt for spending so much time on the Internet trying to make money from home.

Whenever I see women who are newscasters, movie stars or on talk shows who have children at home, I am saddened for their children and husband. Ken and I enjoy watching this one singing show. I just heard that one of the women host on this show and her husband are getting divorced. They have several young children. She wanted her husband to be home more but he traveled with his band a lot. He told her she is gone a lot also since she travels for her job. 

This is all tragic to me and I ache for these families where the wife and mother are putting their careers above their husband, children and home. The same goes for all the women who are sacrificing their family and home life for their careers. I have heard them speak about their guilt and I would love to be with them, having a cup of tea, and encourage them to go home and care for their families, if at all possible. The children grow up so quickly and they are the ones that should be there when their children are sick and hurting. They should also be available to be their husband's help meet. If their husband travels, they should be home whenever he is home to care for and love him. Ken traveled half the year for business when my children were young; they needed me home full-time.

Whenever I have a chance to ask female doctors or other professional women, who are married with children, how their marriages are and how their children are doing, they tell me it is very difficult. I ask them if they have to work since their marriage and raising children is so very important and they quickly tell me under their breath, "We're working it out." Also, to think children wouldn't be proud of their mother if she was home full-time but instead wished she had a career instead is foolishness! For children to come home to a mother who cares for them, cooks meals, cleans and is involved in all of the details of their lives can not even come close to or compare to coming home to someone other than their mother or worse yet, coming home to an empty home.

Melissa from Far Above Rubies in the chat room, wrote, "I realize I am a bottom line person who learned the hard way that home was where God wanted me. So when I hear about 'mommy guilt' from those at home, I immediately ask 'Why???' Why do so many have mommy guilt at home?' I perceive, and bring my own experience to the table, that so many of us are so ill-equipped {meaning not taught} how to do the job of full-time mom/homemaker. And because we were not taught, we feel as if we are failing too many times. Maybe we are, maybe we aren't but we just don't know sometimes. We so desperately need older women who have done what we are doing to come alongside us to teach and encourage us, to correct us, and to remind us that where we are weak, He is strong!"

God knows what He is talking about! Young women are in desperate need for wisdom from women who have gone before them to step up to the plate and begin teaching the young women in their lives. Most young women didn't have a mother who modeled being a keeper at home and raising godly children. Either their moms had a career or they were too busy with other activities to spend much time at home disciplining and teaching them about the Lord.

When we are living with guilt, it is because we are doing something wrong. We need to examine ourselves to see if what we are doing is pleasing to the Lord. When we live lives pleasing to the Lord, we will not suffer guilt. If we are disciplining and training our children and looking well to the ways of our home, we can rest assured that we are in God's perfect will for us. Sure, we will make mistakes but we need to spend time in God's Word and learn from our Great Teacher. Seek older women who have raised godly children and ask them if they would share their wisdom with you. Most mothers who work outside of the home will always live with guilt, because they know, deep inside of them, that they are supposed to be the ones raising their children.

Don't live with regrets and guilt, young women. Do everything in your power to come home and obey God's command to be a keeper at home, a help meet to your husband and look well to the ways of your household. Value your God-ordained ministry even if the society around you and even family members give you a difficult time. Your aim in life is to please the Lord and to do His will, not what others would have you do.

I will therefore that the younger women marry, 
bear children, guide the house, 
give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
1 Timothy 5:14

Valuable Lessons Learned from Multimillionaires

When it comes to frugality, my parents raised us to learn to wear things out or do without. We grew up having very little funds and sometimes even food was scarce. I {TheJoyFIlledWife} learned to be content with what I had and to wisely save, give, and spend. I have always been thrifty by nature, but sometimes to the extreme. The Lord showed me that I can make frugality an idol, just as much as I can make wealth one. Jesus looks at the intent of our heart.

When it comes to wealth, I have learned some of my most valuable lessons from several multimillionaires we're friends with, who started out living in small quarters with cracks, leaks, roaches, and not even a mattress to sleep on. Having come from humble beginnings and learning how to be frugal and wise as they gained their fortunes, they learned the importance of never using credit and delaying gratification until they had the cash to pay for what they wanted outright. They are, by far, the most giving people I have ever met, and they have been that way from when they were poor. The same people who judge them behind their backs for their wealth are the same people that these wealthy individuals anonymously arranged to have groceries show up on their doorstep week after week, paid for three months worth of their rent in secret, and anonymously paid in full the medical expenses they incurred from an unexpected catastrophe. 

Perhaps one of the most life-changing perspectives I gained from the most successful people I know is their mentality when it comes to purchasing items they need or want. I'll never forget a story one of them told me about a time when they decided to surprise their wife with a brand new sports car that she has always loved since she was a child. The car cost several hundred thousand dollars brand new {which they paid cash for and had WAY more than enough to purchase} and when a friend of theirs asked what kind of a deal he got on it, the husband proceeded to tell the friend that he didn't initiate any negotiations on the car and was happy to pay the full asking price for the car. The friend was dumbfounded by the response and asked why the man would pay full price, especially since he had always been known as a great negotiator. The man explained that, if he would have tried to negotiate a lower price when he had plenty of funds for the asking price, all he would have done was take money away from the commission of the hardworking man who sold him the car. "I have been blessed with much and this man goes to work every day, hoping and praying he will sell enough cars to feed his family and put a roof over his head each month. I would have gained no pleasure in taking money away from his livelihood when I can easily afford to give him the full amount and help him provide for his family." 

Moments later, several people walked by, looked down at the new car sitting there with the sticker price still on the window, looked over at the husband in disgust and commented, "Do you know how many starving children in Africa you could have fed with all the money you wasted on that car?" To which the humble man gently replied, "Do you know how many hard-working Americans are able to keep their jobs and feed their own children because I bought this car?" 

The lessons I learned on both sides have given me a very balanced perspective and helped me to see Jesus' heart in the matter. There are many needy families out there would could benefit from the generosity of people who have more than enough. When finances are tough for families, good deals are a huge blessing! When they have been blessed with more than enough to pay cash for something new, though, they can bless others by helping them keep their jobs and put food on the table for their families.

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.

Proverbs 11:24, 25

A Godly Woman is Defined By Kindness

There was a post I wrote recently that garnered a lot of criticism. This criticism was from regular readers who are wise, godly women. It was difficult for me. At one point, I had to just stop and step away from it. I took a long, hot bath. Then I decided to do the next study in Interior Design. It was about kindness; just what I needed! {God is so good in working this way in our lives!}

Later, after studying for a while, I was able to go back and continue answering; making sure I was kind in all of my responses. I desire to be a woman known for her kindness, not for always being right or knowing everything. Therefore, God convicts me and challenges me in this area. 

Kindness is a characteristic of love. 1 Corinthians 13, the powerful love chapter, begins describing love with "Love is patient. Love is kind." To be kind is to love. Everything we do and the way we treat others should be defined by kindness for in this way, we are bringing glory to the Lord and His Gospel.

Do you want to increase in kindness? Then aim to be more patient. Aim to be more humble. Aim to be more forgiving. Aim to be gentler. Aim to be more sympathetic. As you grow in these related traits, you will grow in kindness. A marriage and family therapist observed that simple kindness is one of the most important ingredients for building a strong, healthy marriage.*

The day after this difficult post, one person wrote me an email apologizing for their comments and the way they came across. They wrote to Ken and me these words, "I felt like I more reacted than to try to gently persuade. I didn't really want to come across in an argumentative way. I just didn't like what I wrote mostly for the feel of the whole thing." Then they asked for our forgiveness and that we delete all of their comments. We were both thankful for this kind email.

Have you ever written or said things that you had an uncomfortable feeling about afterwards? I sure have. A lot of times, this is the Spirit within you letting you know that you were unkind. It is far better to be kind than to forcefully try to get your point across or your own way; this includes with your husband. The law of kindness should be on our tongue! {Proverbs 31:26} It's so easy to get riled up about something and forget all about kindness.

Is your speech kind? Are you kind toward the clerk who makes a mistake ringing up your order? The fast-food attendant who is anything but fast? The serviceman who is brusque and unhelpful? The team member who criticizes your skills? The colleague who constantly feels the need to brag? The friend who is quick to point out your faults? What about in social media, and when posting comments on blogs with which you disagree?*

I was shopping at my health food store the other day and began a conversation with a woman who tried to convince me that overpopulation is destroying the world and we need to be more concerned with the animals. I kindly responded that I value everything in God's creation but I value children and human beings the most; far above the animals. She didn't like this and began to lecture me on some Pacific trade thing I knew nothing about. I continued to smile kindly towards here, listened to her and tried to explain I would never agree with her. Then said good-bye. I knew it was more important to show her kindness and respect than be right, even though I knew she was so very wrong.

Charles Spurgeon, one of my favorite old-time preachers, wrote, "Speak kindly, act kindly, and do kindly, that others may say of you, 'She has been with Jesus.'" We want Jesus to gain all the glory from our lives and the greatest way to do this is by loving others and showing kindness to them, regardless of their behavior. As Jesus hung on the cross being mocked, ridiculed and tortured, he looked down upon those murdering him and said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" {Luke 23:34}. He loved His enemies, just as we are called to do.

Be  kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, 

in honor giving preference to one another.

Romans 12:10

Watch the accompanying video on Benevolence HERE.

*True Woman 201: Interior Design—Ten Elements of Biblical Womanhood, ©2015 by Mary A. Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission of Moody Publishers. You can buy the book HERE.