Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Disastrous Results with Headship/Submission

Some couples will “try” biblical submission and headship but then give it up since it failed them. One woman wrote about this and gave it up since "mutual submission" works better for them. Are we supposed to just give up God’s ways if we think they failed us? Should we go back to working full-time out of the home when we have young children because we aren’t happy at home? Should we wear bikinis since everyone else does and we don't want to feel out of style? Should we give up submitting to our husbands because it’s not working? 

Here is this woman's explanation of their failed attempt at headship/submission, But at the same time, Bob felt like I was throwing everything on to him, expecting him to carry it all on his own, including my emotional well-being. I guess in a way, I was. I believed he was supposed to bear the full responsibility of our family and home. And I became bitter that he wasn’t 'leading' the way I expected him to.

The results of this shift to a male headship belief system within our marriage were disastrous. Instead of strengthening and growing our relationships with each other and with God, it led to bitterness, anger, distrust, guilt, shame, and unrealistic expectations. Instead of speaking up and speaking my mind, I would bite my tongue and defer to Bob’s leadership. The bitterness that resulted caused me to became critical and judgmental of Bob. In response, he pulled away and our lines of communication deteriorated even further."

 Do you see all of the error in her way of living out submission and headship? Submission isn’t “throwing everything on him, expecting him to carry it all on his own, including my emotional well-being.” We are commanded to be our husband’s help meet. We aren’t supposed to throw everything onto our husbands. We’re to do all we can to make their lives easier. Yes, they bear the responsibility of the family and home by providing for them but not doing everything for them around the home. This is our responsibility. We are to be keepers at home to care for the home and children. This lightens a man’s load. This is what a help meet is supposed to do, not make his life more complicated. {Titus 2:3, 4}

"He wasn’t 'leading' the way I expected him to." As wives, we don't get to decide how our husbands lead, just as children don't get to decide how parents parent, employees don't decide how their boss leads, etc. The husband is the head over the wife so he is the one that gets to decide how to lead. He is the one who makes the final decisions, without any arguing from his wife. He is the leader of the home and the faster wives appreciate and follow his leadership, the faster peace will reign in the home. Bottom line is she simply didn't want to give up control. Most women want to control.

“Instead of speaking up and speaking my mind” usually means giving "a piece of your mind" to a husband and letting him know exactly how you feel instead of in a gentle and respectful way sharing your thoughts and opinions with him and then being content with whatever he decides is best. As a result of biting her tongue, she became critical and judgmental of her husband which is wrong. Biting her tongue is good but it shouldn't be with negative thoughts. If wrong thoughts come into your mind about your husband, get rid of them quickly and dwell on the good and lovely instead. Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ {2 Corinthians 10:5}.

“And I became bitter…” Bitterness should never be in the life of a believer since it defiles many; her husband was defiled, her children were defiled and she was defiled. Bitterness is ugly and destructive. Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled {Hebrews 12:15}.

Headship/Submission are beautiful. They are God's ordained role for the family. When they are obeyed, there is harmony and peace in the family. They will never produce what this woman produced with her "submission." If your submission is producing ugliness, seek out a godly, older woman and learn about having a quiet and gentle spirit. Ask her to explain clearly what headship/submission looks like. Learn God's role for you and rejoice in it. If it's "not working," pray for wisdom and look up all of the verses that are related to women and their role. Memorize these verses since we are transformed by the renewing our minds with God's Truth. 

For the husband is the head of the wife, 
even as Christ is the head of the church: 
and he is the savior of the body.
Ephesians 5:23