Monday, February 16, 2015

Is Money a Bone of Contention?


There were some women discussing finances and money in marriage on television. One of the women said she hides some of her money and how she spends it from her husband because it's her money, she works hard, and she doesn't want anyone telling her what to do, especially her husband. {Funny, she works for a boss and I am sure she obeys her boss and does what he tells her to do.} She said that money is a bone of contention in her marriage. Should she tell her husband about these things or is it okay for her to keep this from him since it's "her" money? Many couples even have their own bank accounts now. Is this a good thing?

Yes, she should tell her husband and NO, it is not a good thing. The day you are married, you become one flesh. You have signed a covenant before God. It is a mysterious event but you are joined together until death do you part. In this covenant marriage, God has ordained the husband to be the head of his wife and the wife to be his help meet.

Yes, this TV host makes money but it is NOT her "own." His money becomes hers and her money becomes his after the vows are spoken. Everything that you once owned when you were single is now both of yours. You are joint heirs together. Who is in charge of the money now? The husband is the head of the wife, therefore, the husband is in charge of the money. He can designate the wife to pay the bills, buy the groceries, etc. but you both need to decide together how you will spend your money and when you have to ask him whether or not you can buy something. It's good to set a limit on how much money you can spend before you need to ask permission. You see, if there is one leader in the family as God designated the husband to be, there should be no bones of contention in your family about anything. God designed this for peace. Arguing and strife are NOT from the Lord. Doing things His way is the good and right way.

This may not seem fair in the world's eyes but we don't look through the world's eyes anymore or match up our lives to what is fair or not. We match our lives up to the Word of God and live by biblical principles. Therefore, never keep secrets from your husband about what you buy and if you want to buy something that is over the agreed amount, ask him. If he doesn't care what you buy or how much you spend, you have nothing to worry about or hide. However, many husbands are the bread winners and providers of the family and have every right to know where their family's hard earned money goes.

Older women teach the young women ....to be obedient 
to their husbands so the Word of God will not be blasphemed.
Titus 2:3-5

Comments (30)

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This is a toughie if the husband is a foolish with money. Take a look at the debt load of families - it's grim. Good discussion why we spend, what we spend, how much we spend - important discussions. My sister's husband doesn't like tithing. I know she quietly puts money away for charities, church, etc. Is this wrong?
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
It's so much easier to be open and honest about where "OUR" money is going. I can't understand some wives think it's okay to hide/lie about things such as purchases or where she's sending some of the money - even for charity, etc. Would a wife think it's okay for her husband to hide things from her or lie to her about things? I don't think so. Good post, Lori!
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
Agree! I'm so thankful my husband and I had discussions about this before we were married to make sure we agreed on how money should be spent. We have had some struggles in our marriage, but I don't think we have ever argued about money. My husband pays the bills and we both tell each other everything we spend. If I'm shopping for a day he knows everywhere I'm going, and if I'm indecisive about something I'll call him. If I'm getting clothes for our family I show him everything I got when I get home. We both enjoy this (well at least I do and he goes with it :))! I love sharing the good prices and showing off cute clothes for me or the kids to him. I don't feel controlled and neither does he. It's just about open communication and if you're hiding anything in a marriage then it's probably wrong.
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
My husband is the breadwinner in our home but we do have separate bank accounts. We have a joint account which his wages are paid into and all the bills are paid from, a savings account, and I have a housekeeping account which he pays a set amount into each month. From this I buy all the groceries, fuel for my car, birthday gifts etc. This works well for us and helps us keep within our budget as I can get a little carried away at times. I would never have any 'secret savings'. In fact I think my husband would faint with surprise if I had any extra savings at all!
2 replies · active 527 weeks ago
Great post Lori!

We have always had joint 'everything' in terms of money and I prefer it this way. Its another example of 'one flesh' living I think.

One of my friends and her husband have completely separate accounts and then pay money into a third account for bills etc, all very complicated. If ever they book a holiday they pay half each (just don't get that!) and everything is minutely checked to make sure that it is 'fair' to both parties. I just could not work like that, I would find it very divisive and unsettling. She talks about 'owing' her husband some money for this or that which to me is a strange turn of phrase!.

My husband trusts me and never asks what I have spent but I ALWAYS tell him regardless and check with him re larger amounts of money. Indeed, he often says I am too frugal :) and why didn't I treat myself to some clothing etc!.
Blessings
Helen UK
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
I would be careful about judging the woman who quietly donates to church & charities because she may be "obeying God rather than men". Acts 5:29. I can think of three Bible stories about how important it is to "give God control of all our possessions". There was the "rich fool" (the Bible calls him a fool!) who was being a hoarder. He died & God called him a "fool" because he was SELFISH with all his possessions! Then there was Ananias & Sapphira....she made a deadly mistake in agreeing to lie along with her husband. Then there was Abigail who took things from her pantry to give to David & his men, when her greedy husband had REFUSED to share anything with them earlier. Abigail saved her husband & household from sure death by her wisdom. Oh, one more....God was ready to kill Moses because he hadn't circumcised his son, & his wife Zipporah somehow knew this & she circumcised their son, thus saving Moses from sure death. We could "make a God" out of our husbands by putting them above God...yes, I believe women do this sometimes...big mistake! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
2 replies · active 527 weeks ago
P.S. Emily has a post up today on submission that you don't want to miss! emilywierenga.com
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
Years ago, my husband and I had minister friends (the mister married us, and has since passed away). Anyways, they were around our age and when we lived near each other, we would often do things together, like go to the rodeo and out to eat. One thing that was always so uncomfortable for us was the way they handled their money! We all work in the same line of ministry, in that the pay goes to the husband. They split their money right down the middle into separate bank accounts. When we went out, they each bought their own ticket, and payed for their meals on separate tabs. Right down to the penny, they kept track. They even each payed their half of her fertility treatments and when the child was born, My husband and I thought surely now, they would stop that nonsense... But no! They paid half and half right down to the diapers.
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
I do think Cynthia has some good Biblical examples. If you look up how much Christians donate and how much; I'm not sure it's with a cheerful heart. We had a sermon on that not too long ago. We live in a land of plenty and tithing should not even be an issue for most of us. Many of us can give more. Husbands are the head and finances should be totally open. Truthfully, I would find it very difficult if my husband was stingy towards giving to others. I'm very thankful that I have a very giving husband. Even before we were established we had a very simple financial philosophy - first give, then save and then you can spend. Finances was never a bone of contention.
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
My husband use to manage all the money, bill paying etc.. but he didn’t do a great job (which he openly admits). Bills were always late and he couldn’t save. It was after the power got turned off that I asked if I could take over and now I manage everything. Whilst I keep him up-to-date with the overal finanaces, I don’t tell him him the day-to-day activities as he finds it all rather to much (ie how much the groceries were or whether I buy a pair of shoes) but when it comes to big ticket items such as cars, white goods, computers we do discuss these in more detail and each an agreement together. He trusts that I will do the right thing and he knows that I am far better at spreadsheets, saving money and the bills are now all paid on time. It is something he just doesn’t need to think about and it works for us. He has never seen a need to monitor my expenditure as he knows I have good self control. We each have “pocket money” that we can do what we like with. It works for us.
2 replies · active 527 weeks ago
I would be very interested in hearing more about tithe and the New Testament and your inturpratation (sp) of it. Michael Pearl says the same thing.
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
How did I miss that? Thank you:)
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
I would caution against making things into sins that are not explicitly shown in God's Word. There is nothing wrong with a wife having her own bank account, or keeping all of the family's finances if she is best at it, and this is approved by her "head." The body should do nothing that the head is unaware of if she knows he will disapprove. One's attempts at doing right, yet living with secrecy, addresses one issue but creates many others, especially the guilt of hiding things, and the harm that comes when found out. Intimacy is always harmed when one is hiding something from the other, especially if it is an ongoing issue. Maybe some things from the past can stay in the past, but the present deserves to be lived fully in the light with a spouse.

That is also why a spouse should set so few rules and demands, as unmet expectations leads to disappointment and sometimes sneaking and deceiving about things. If a wife or husband is sneaking something, like paying a tithe, she should go and confess it, and ask for forgiveness. Then the next year confess again if she does it again.

The ideal is that she will trust God that He will work on her husband's heart in this important area of being charitable, but it is not her responsibility to tithe or contribute if he is against it. I believe she is covered by her obedience to her husband and his authority to make that decision. God will not withhold blessings from her when she is obedient to the Word by being submissive to her husband, but she may lose out on some ability to "win him without a word" if she becomes the judge in this area of their finances or any gray area of God's Word.

Just as I would caution any husband against tight purse-strings with a wife, as there are often consequences to this, and it is often unfair and unkind to be stingy with her desires, so too I would caution a wife who wishes to second guess her husband and sneak around his will in the name of the Lord. Some things are plainly sin for a wife and she must kindly and respectfully say "no" to a husband on such matters, but if it is not plainly clear, as in the question of giving, allowing a husband to lead trumps what her individual perceptions are on the matter. Hence the need to have one head and not two. That is God's way as he sees peace and harmony in a relationship as being as important as giving.
1 reply · active 527 weeks ago
Thank you Lori...after I reread what you wrote I realized what you said:) I have had the flu all week...my mind is muddled:) Looking forward to reading it!!

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