Always Learning: Divorced Women

Monday, August 22, 2011

Divorced Women

This post is going to be addressed to divorced women. I, in no way, mean to judge, condemn, or offend them. It is just something I have noticed lately when I have talked to a few of my divorced friends lately. They have gone through so much pain and I have no intention of adding to that pain. I just want them to think about something.

Whenever they discuss their previous marriage, they tell me all the bad things their ex-husbands did. They go on and on about how they were hurt, their exes bad habits, what a bad father they were, etc.

They never say one thing they did to harm the marriage. Maybe they were married to a jerk. There are some real jerks out there. But it usually takes two to destroy a marriage.

The only reason I am writing this is to encourage any of you women who are divorced to ponder how you may have contributed to the destruction of your marriage, so you won't repeat it if you get married again.

Everyone comes will faults and baggage. The sooner you admit and recognize yours, the sooner you can work on dealing with them. It will make a future marriage all that much healthier.

I just want to tell one quick true story...There was a young woman with four children. Her husband had an affair and moved out. They had been to many marriage counselors and seminars. Nothing was helping the marriage.

She read Created To Be His Help Meet and realized her part in the destruction of their marriage. She repented to her husband, he moved back in, and they are rebuilding their marriage.

I am not saying this could solve every marriage, because it can't, but it is worth a try for the few it may help. Everyone has their own story and they are all different. I am just hoping that if you get married again, you can write a wonderful love story.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31,32

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Maria · 709 weeks ago

Lori, I am not married but are in a significant relationship that for the first time in my life is centered around God. And I really relate to your comment about coming clean about baggage and issues from the beginning. It really is like a weight is lifted off your shoulders and you can really focus on building on that foundation. But the rest of the post really provides this single girl with an insight into some issues that can arise with marriage and alternatives one can explore. Thanks!

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Nicole · 709 weeks ago

I agree completely. I am divorced and have been remarried for 10 years. I completely believe that a huge reason my husband and my marriage is successful is that we were very honest with each other about our shortcomings in our previous marriages and have worked hard not to repeat the same mistakes. I have two teenage children from my first marriage. When they have asked me through the years why we got a divorce, I have told them that it was because I was a bad wife and their dad was a bad husband. I haven't told them that he had multiple affairs, was addicted to porn and was a pathological liar. Through the years he has told the kids that he had an affair that ultimately ended our marriage. But I have been quick to explain to them that affairs do not end marriages ... the underlying causes of the affairs do. And that is 9 times out of 10 a joint effort.

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Nicole · 709 weeks ago

I am very happily married, but also see how women tend to 'run down' their men. Be it husbands or whatever. I am to a point in my life where it actually makes me cringe. They don't realize the damage they do to their relationships when they focus enough on the negative to share it with others. Sure, my hubby has faults, but the more you dwell on them the worse they seem to you. It's amazing how they somewhat fade away when you ignore them and focus on the positive. We are all human, we all have faults......your's aren't any worse than someone else's and you wouldn't want someone else dwelling on your faults. Focusing on the positive and building your partner up, especially when talking to others, makes all the difference in the world.

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Crystal Jigsaw · 709 weeks ago

Great post. Unfortunately, these days, a man only needs to ask for butter with his bread before his wife is running to the solicitors. I think a lot of it boils down to equal rights and all that jazz. I divorced my first husband in 1996 even though we had a 4 year marriage that was really very pleasant. I chose to file for divorce because I could see we were going nowhere. He did nothing wrong but I felt I was missing something. The reason I left him was (you may not believe it but it's true), because he was (and still is) such a lovely man, wouldn't have hurt a fly, and I simply felt he deserved better. Maybe I had a low self-esteem or something, but I genuinely felt I was holding him back. A few other personal things happened to encourage my decision but we parted on good terms.

He's been married to a really lovely woman now for 14 years and they have a 12 year old son. We kept in touch and I'm very friendly with him and his wife. They're probably even coming to stay in one of our holiday cottages soon.

I don't know how some women can get so bitter either. They married a guy, had kids with him, then realise they have faults? Surely, if the faults were as bad as they state on the divorce papers, they wouldn't have just discovered them after a marriage and 2 kids???!! I don't know what the answer is. I would hate to judge also.

CJ xx

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Diane · 709 weeks ago

Excellent post! I have been married for 35 years and I agree with you. There are two sides to every story. Certainly, there are times when one spouse is trying and the other . . . isn't. But no one is entirely blameless. Thank you for these words of wisdom. And for the insightful comments.

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Emily · 709 weeks ago

I was married to my first husband for almost 3 years. When we were married, he was in seminary, and had just left the Marine Corps. Things were great, then he dropped out of seminary, began drinking, and physically abusive. He sent me to the hospital 3 separate times. It was when I found out he three, yes three other women pregnant at the very same time I was pregnant! I'm certain there are things I could have done better, but unfortunately I couldn't stop the drinking or the abuse. However, bitter I am not. he went his way, and God brought the most amazing man into my life, who stepped up to the plate when my little girl needed a Daddy the most. Mostly, I feel bad for my ex, because he still seems to be in a pit of despair, with no desire to leave. My daughter and I still pray for him every night.

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Andrea · 709 weeks ago

Wonderful post. :) God Bless!

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Emily · 709 weeks ago

Finally! Someone who puts it back in the hands of the woman. A {former} friend of mine divorced her husband of five years when her kids were ages 1 and 3. All she did was bad mouth him - and he did have the tendency to be a jerk. Had she looked at HER destructive behavior, it is possible they could have stay together. The children are now 6 and 4. She is currently shacking up with another man, setting a fine example for her daughters, wouldn't you say?

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Christine · 709 weeks ago

Boy, does this one hit home. My husband left me with two babies in 2006 and shacked up with my sister! Imagine. When his drugged-up head finally came back to reality, we began the long walk back to our marriage. We had almost filed for divorce, but didn't. It took a great deal of self-reflection on both of our parts, but I honestly believe that if I hadn't been able to forgive him and submit myself to God and our marriage, we certainly would not have the great family life that we have today.

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brian miller · 709 weeks ago

strong words...it does take two to make a marriage work...there are many sides to every story...and usually not many listening...

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journeytoepiphany 45p · 709 weeks ago

As someone who has suffered through a divorce, I think that the key is to only include a few people in your circle of friends to whom you vent. When you constantly bash your ex everywhere you go, you are hurting your chances for healing. If you have children, you must consider the fact that you are speaking of their father/mother, and you don't want to spread evil about their parent out of respect to them. I lived in a physically and sexually abusive relationship. Because of the goodness of God, I can be around my ex without any ill feelings, and I truly wish him the best.

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r.elliott · 709 weeks ago

These truths can be applied to every relationship...we all bring baggage everywhere we go...into marriage...friendships...parenting...to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus...letting Him remove the Log...only then can fractured relationships heal.
Blessings~

1 reply · active 709 weeks ago

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Shine · 709 weeks ago

So true that it can be applied to any relationships. I'm happily married for 10years with 2 children. My 6yo is at the age she hears everything now and I need to be more mindful of when I'm chatting with my friends around her. My husband is an amazing man and my children are really wonderful, but everyone has faults and frustrations. And there are times I want to comfort others who are going through tough times that my children and my marriage is not perfect either. Though I should be careful of who is around when I speak of these things and not make it a habit to focus on the negative. This phrase doesn't just apply to stuff but also discussions or venting, "A place for everything and everything in it's place."

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owlmeetsfairy · 709 weeks ago

carefully written, beautiful and bold. I agree, this could be saving advice for some. Praying that the right people stumble by your blog this week.

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imperfect prose · 709 weeks ago

this really spoke to me today, lori. thank you. xo

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happygirl · 709 weeks ago

I've always believed the only person you can change is yourself. thanks for the post.

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Karen · 708 weeks ago

I know I played a role in my divorce to my ex. But I don't think there is anything I could have done to have fixed things. He was never sorry for the affairs he had. He continues to make my life a living h *** to this day. In fact just yesterday we were in court again for custody of my 15 year old daughter (our 2 boys are 19 and 18 so are out of the custody battle, but they see what is going on. My one son wants to stay out of it. His brother on the other hand testified against me which is really causing me a lot of pain right now). My ex continues to lie, manipulate and deceive and misrepresent me. It's "his way or the highway" I really don't think there was anything I could have done differently with him.

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Sarah Schilling · 708 weeks ago

This is such a good reminder even for women who are still married--I have recently been convicted to regularly take more responsibility for the way I am treating my husband instead of always criticizing the way he is treating me! Because if I am honest, I will find that 90% of the time if he is not "cherishing" me the way I feel that he should, it's probably because I'm not giving him a REASON to cherish me! :)

--Sadee@ www.aPicturebookLife.blogspot.com

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