Several women got into an interesting conversation about healthy and unhealthy sexual practices on my post She Wished She Knew Her Parents Had Sex. The joyfilledwife finally added her thoughts and I thought they were worth sharing with all of you ~
Each and every sin in our life will impact our marriages in a negative way. Selfishness and sin can easily defile a marriage bed if we don't approach sex in marriage in a Biblical, selfless way. Because her daughter {a woman's daughter who commented on the post} has an addiction {masturbation}, and particularly a sexually sinful one where she is taking her desires into her own hands, yes, ChristyH is right about her future husband not being able to compete with that.
We will always know what "buttons to push" on ourselves better than our spouses do, and indulging in masturbation not only will create dissatisfaction sexually with our spouse and their ability to please us, but it cheats them out of their role in meeting our sexual needs and desires. This is why communication is so important in the marriage bed. We need to communicate and teach our spouses what we like best when they seek to pleasure us. Sexual desires were never meant to be fulfilled by self-indulgence. God created sex for the couple to enjoy engaging in, to procreate, and to display a godly oneness. It is an act of loving service to each other. Christ and the church operate as one -- they don't separate themselves because it's more pleasurable to do things their own way.
Addiction to self-pleasure {whether masturbation, pornography, or others things} steal away from the marriage bed, create dissatisfaction with sex as God intended it to be, and is idolatry, plain and simple. If a husband and wife were spending 75% of their day having sex, I would suggest that they have made an idol out of this one aspect of their marriage. Something can even be a good thing at it's core but, if pursued obsessively, made an unbalanced priority, or approached selfishly, it will take a turn for the worst and quickly become sinful.
I know there are people on both sides of the fence on this issue {use of sexual toys}, but I don't happen to believe that using inanimate objects during sex creates or contributes to unity and oneness. Anytime we find sexual gratification from something that is capable of meeting our desires separate from our spouse, I think we are in dangerous territory. If our only objective in the marriage bed is to achieve orgasm and we are focused on that objective, we are missing the purpose of intimacy. If it takes a vibrator, or a porn movie, or any other sex toy in order for us to be sexually fulfilled, then we have misplaced our desires. You see, your spouse doesn't have to be physically present for a vibrator, dildo, or any other object or movie to "satisfy" you sexually and that, by it's very nature, detracts from a holy union. It is our spouse's selfless giving of their body and self that is solely meant to fulfill us intimately.
To become addicted to being satisfied by anything that is not our spouse is not God's plan for sexual oneness. We need to check the state of our heart if pleasure during sex is not possible for us unless something apart from our spouse is needed in order to feel satisfied. God is faithful and more than capable of healing and mending this area of marriage! If a holy union is not our objective in the marriage bed and we have allowed self-pleasure and selfishness to defile it, we need to confess our sins to our Lord and ask that He create in us a clean heart, purify our minds, and help us to become more like Christ. Then and only then will we be living out our marriages in the way God created us to from the beginning. How I pray that each and every one of us, dear sisters, with have the humility and courage to seek that end.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled.
Hebrews 13:4
We will always know what "buttons to push" on ourselves better than our spouses do, and indulging in masturbation not only will create dissatisfaction sexually with our spouse and their ability to please us, but it cheats them out of their role in meeting our sexual needs and desires. This is why communication is so important in the marriage bed. We need to communicate and teach our spouses what we like best when they seek to pleasure us. Sexual desires were never meant to be fulfilled by self-indulgence. God created sex for the couple to enjoy engaging in, to procreate, and to display a godly oneness. It is an act of loving service to each other. Christ and the church operate as one -- they don't separate themselves because it's more pleasurable to do things their own way.
Addiction to self-pleasure {whether masturbation, pornography, or others things} steal away from the marriage bed, create dissatisfaction with sex as God intended it to be, and is idolatry, plain and simple. If a husband and wife were spending 75% of their day having sex, I would suggest that they have made an idol out of this one aspect of their marriage. Something can even be a good thing at it's core but, if pursued obsessively, made an unbalanced priority, or approached selfishly, it will take a turn for the worst and quickly become sinful.
I know there are people on both sides of the fence on this issue {use of sexual toys}, but I don't happen to believe that using inanimate objects during sex creates or contributes to unity and oneness. Anytime we find sexual gratification from something that is capable of meeting our desires separate from our spouse, I think we are in dangerous territory. If our only objective in the marriage bed is to achieve orgasm and we are focused on that objective, we are missing the purpose of intimacy. If it takes a vibrator, or a porn movie, or any other sex toy in order for us to be sexually fulfilled, then we have misplaced our desires. You see, your spouse doesn't have to be physically present for a vibrator, dildo, or any other object or movie to "satisfy" you sexually and that, by it's very nature, detracts from a holy union. It is our spouse's selfless giving of their body and self that is solely meant to fulfill us intimately.
To become addicted to being satisfied by anything that is not our spouse is not God's plan for sexual oneness. We need to check the state of our heart if pleasure during sex is not possible for us unless something apart from our spouse is needed in order to feel satisfied. God is faithful and more than capable of healing and mending this area of marriage! If a holy union is not our objective in the marriage bed and we have allowed self-pleasure and selfishness to defile it, we need to confess our sins to our Lord and ask that He create in us a clean heart, purify our minds, and help us to become more like Christ. Then and only then will we be living out our marriages in the way God created us to from the beginning. How I pray that each and every one of us, dear sisters, with have the humility and courage to seek that end.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled.
Hebrews 13:4
Logging you in...
Lady Virtue · 556 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 556 weeks ago
Striving for Him · 556 weeks ago
I know this is a bit off subject, but I'd be interested to know if anyone else has had these concerns and how they've dealt with it. I'm so glad to have found your blog - - thoroughly enjoy it! Thank you so much. God bless you guys!
Lori Alexander 122p · 556 weeks ago
Striving for Him · 556 weeks ago
anon · 556 weeks ago
hiswife522 43p · 556 weeks ago
Still Waiting · 556 weeks ago
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 556 weeks ago
I am in and out of conducting interviews this morning, so I will only be able to post sporadically today, but rest assured that I relate very much to your situation and address how to handle it in a God-honoring way. Be on the lookout for that upcoming post and feel free to comment if you have any additional questions you'd like me to answer.
prov31 19p · 556 weeks ago
Still Waiting · 556 weeks ago
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 556 weeks ago
Still Waiting,
I have been praying and discussing your situation with my husband, who can much relate to yours (except for the Low Testosterone part). I feel that he had some excellent advice to offer, which I will share with you, but I want to add the caveat that it is extremely difficult to give concrete advice when we have only heard the situation from your perspective. Proverbs 18:17 tells us that the first person's story seems right, until the they are cross-examined and the other half of the story is told.
By no means am I suggesting that you are not telling the truth about your situation. You may be right on with all that is happening from your perspective, but it's hard to give wise counsel when we don't know what your husband is going through on the other side. He may be stressed, embarrassed, dealing with a secret addiction, perhaps he's afraid of hormonal treatment, or it could be that the selfishness of his former addiction has not been repented of and placed at the foot of the cross. If there is more to the story from his perspective or if you may be contributing to his lack of desire in some way, that needs to be dealt with before moving on to my husband's advice. Otherwise it could cause resentment in your husband and have the opposite outcome. Please be in deep and humble prayer about that as it shouldn't be taken lightly.
It sounds, from your explanation, that the command to not defraud sexually is being disobeyed here. Because you have said that you and your husband are believers, you are both held to account based on Scripture. Whenever there is a believer who is willfully sinning and is unrepentant, Matthew 18 applies. What does this look like for you? You need to tread gently and respectfully here as the wife. I would encourage you to gently and respectfully (emphasis on both of those) sit down with your husband and explain to him, "I love you and respect you as my husband, and my desire is for us to be obedient in our marriage relationship so that we may bring glory to God in our union. The sexual intimacy in our marriage is being withheld from me on a regular basis and is not in line with the command in 1 Corinthians 7:5 to not withhold sexual intimacy from our spouse. I love you and want to make this part of our marriage right in God's sight. I recognize that it will take the both of us being willing to be obedient in this area, and I am reaching a breaking point on my end. I have decided to seek pastoral counseling on this issue and it would mean a great deal to me to have us go together. I want to make sure they are able to hear your concerns and struggles too, so they can give us wise counsel on how to mend this area of our marriage. I love you and respect you as my husband and I believe that God is more than able to bring delivery and healing in this area."
If your husband is unwilling to go to counseling, please don't nag him. Graciously accept his decision and go by yourself without giving him the cold shoulder. Make sure to keep your own biases and exaggerations out of your counseling session. We tend to paint ourselves in a better light when we are hurt and it's so important that you make sure not to slander your husband, regardless of the pain he is causing you. There were many times I had to bite my tongue in counseling and to share facts about what was happening, but not mistake my opinion or feelings about things for the truth. We truly do not know what's in our spouse's heart when they are sinning and we can do great damage to the relationship when we don't reign in our opinions. Women have a hard time separating their opinions from facts, so please please be in deep prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to speak through you as you relay your situation. To this day, one of the things that my husband still tells me was how much it meant to him that I kept myself measured and spoke respectfully about him to our counselors, even when he was not present. You have to desire reconciliation based on the truth more than you desire to have people side with you. There are two sides to every story and there are always things we can change on our end to help our husbands in their struggle.
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 556 weeks ago
I want to add one more thing that I want you to pray about before you move forward. It can be a sensitive subject for women, but it's something I feel I would be remiss to not touch on: Please seek the Lord and ask Him to reveal anything in your behavior or habits that could be contributing to your husband's lack of desire. Disrespect, nagging, complaining, pressuring them, not being thankful and complimentary of their hard work, not keeping your body in shape, poor hygiene, not fixing yourself up before he gets home, failing to live up to your responsibilities at home (cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc), or being negative and having a poor attitude...these are all things that can contribute to a husband's lack of desire. Please search your heart and see if you could be contributing to this problem in any way. Men love a woman who is lighthearted, who smiles, keeps herself up, is complimentary of him, and who is respectful and confident. Women who act depressed, negative, overly seriously, and neglect the important things to them can be a big turn-off. I am not suggesting that you are doing any of these specifically, but I know that we are all works in progress and can contribute greatly to our husband's turnaround when we humble ourselves and ask God to show us where we are missing the mark. If you have been doing any of those things, briefly (within a few sentences) tell your husband where you think you haven't been living up to your role as his wife and ask for his forgiveness. Ask him to be in prayer for you that you would be transformed in those areas. Anytime we can encourage our husbands to pray -- even if just for us -- we are giving opportunities for the Lord to speak into their heart on other things as well. Your repentance and humility will go a long way in pointing your husband back to Christ, dear sister.
Check out the post on Monday about how to manage our desires and frustrations when we are being defrauded, or we have higher sex drives than our husbands. My suggestions in that post will be helpful in your situation as well.
Lori Alexander 122p · 556 weeks ago
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 556 weeks ago
Cynthia · 556 weeks ago
What does the Bible say about women?
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 556 weeks ago
I have been in out and out much of the day, so my apologies for not being able to respond sooner.
My post didn't include a specific Scripture on this subject because there isn't one there. Just as there isn't one on drugs. The Bible does not use every word or vice by name, but that doesn't make it void from some of the general commands of Scripture. For instance, lust...we are commanded not to lust. It is almost impossible not to masturbate and have lust in your heart. A person can say that they are thinking of their spouse...well what unity is being created between spouses when we meet our own needs? There isn't.
There's no Godly unity being built by sexually gratifying ourselves. Each time that we meet our own sexual needs, we are stealing that unity from our marriage bed. There's no way for the two to become one when there's only one person in the equation. Masturbation is an act that is usually perpetuated by idolatry, addiction, or taking matters into our own hands because our spouse isn't satisfying us. Instead of seeking God for fulfillment and healing in the marriage, we take control and fulfill ourselves. The lie the devil tries to get us to believe here is that we can find true satisfaction fulfilling our desires this way. Whenever we stray from God's model of anything, we will never find true satisfaction.
Because we will always know what feels best to us and instinctively know how to meet our needs, it can also create dissatisfaction in our spouse's performance, regardless of how sporadic it may be. Masturbation builds a foundation on either selfishness, sin, or lack of trust in God's abilities to meet our needs when our spouse isn't.
Whether or not our spouse is meeting our sexual needs, the command to meet our needs sexually belongs to them alone. If God's purpose and design for sex is oneness, temptation prevention, procreation, and mutual enjoyment of each other's bodies, we should take a step back and ask ourselves the logical question: Does masturbation honor God and accomplish all the purposes he created sex for? Masturbation is self-focused and does not accomplish the objective of bringing God glory through sexual unity between husband and wife. Something may be permissible on paper, but when you get to the heart of the act, it is wrought with sin, selfishness, and doubt. That changes everything about the act being permissible. Because lust, idolatry, selfishness, lack of trust, and addiction are at the heart of masturbation, I see no good, pure, noble, or righteous thing in such an act.
Ken · 556 weeks ago
Interested · 554 weeks ago
zbexrel · 511 weeks ago
Thank you for these helpful posts. I have been reading and reading for several months now, and even though it's too late for me, these on sex have been in particular a huge help. Thank you for writing and publishing them.