Control. It is the curse from the garden and almost every woman I have ever mentored struggles with it. "Her desire will be for her husband..." Our desire will be to control our husbands and we must stop giving into this curse. For we are told we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us.
Stop trying to control what he watches, what he eats, what he wears, what he does with his free time, where he goes, etc. You are his wife, not his mother. Yes, he may have heart disease and eats terrible. He is not obeying the doctor and you only nag him about his eating because you want him to be healthy. This is NOT your responsibility unless he wants you to hold him accountable. If not, give up ALL control and you won't believe the freedom you find in this.
He watches too much television. He plays too much golf. He spends too much money. He drinks too much alcohol. And on and on the list goes. You may have a hundred reasons why you feel justified in trying to change his behavior. Hundreds, but you still don't have the right to try and control him. This is not your job. Men are not attracted to their mothers. You were created to be his help meet, not his conscience. Share your opinions with him a few times and then let it go.
He is a man now. He gets to live his life the way he wants to live it. He didn't marry you to nag him. In fact, a lot of men are scared to death to get married for fear they are going to be nagged to death and have to walk on eggshells in their own home. They feel they aren't going to get to live life the way they want anymore but have to live with a general that tries to control them with her emotions, tempers, silent treatment, avoidance of sex, or anger.
A true help meet doesn't try to control and change her husband no matter how right she thinks she is and how wrong her husband's behavior. Our job is to love, serve, please, submit to and obey. This is our job description for it is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife {Proverbs 21:9} and a continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike {Proverbs 27:15} and it is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman {Proverbs 21:19}.
Now, you don't want your husband to feel he has to sleep on the roof, listen to constant dripping, or live in the desert, do you? He should be able to sleep in his comfortable bed where peace reigns with his air conditioning on! We need to make our homes comfortable places for our husbands. They need to be places he longs to be in, not miserable.
Therefore, dear wives, go to work making your husband at home. Help him by loving and serving him. Let him see Jesus in you and this will draw him closer to you and the Lord. Let all of your controlling nature go. Release it today. Let it go!
Logging you in...
hiswife522 43p · 558 weeks ago
blskas76 4p · 558 weeks ago
Roxy · 558 weeks ago
Thanks for sharing these tips, and your last post about SEX was so good, kids need to know their parents share intimacy!
Yours, Roxy
Cynthia · 558 weeks ago
Was there any reason that you clashed so much with Ken over food? You've mentioned it a number of times, so it sounds like this was a real fixation for you. Personally, I would HATE to have anyone monitoring my food intake, and what I've heard from obesity experts is that this idea of controlling someone else's food (if they don't ask for an accountability partner) is likely to make things worse instead of better, due to emotional overeating.
I would advise women to think about what is truly important to them BEFORE they get married. If something would be a deal-breaker, don't get married to a man with that issue! If it's not a deal-breaker, accept it as part of the package deal that makes up your husband.
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 558 weeks ago
This is such an important topic to write about and my husband's comment is proof that, even if a husband doesn't have a nagging wife, he recognizes what a terror it would be to have one.
Ken · 558 weeks ago
In part it is related to the way she was raised to eat organic, eat lots of fruits and vegies, and avoid all preservatives. Then she marries a junk food junkie who would have been happy with a salad a week, steak and potatoes, pizza and a Big Mac for all dinners. So the clash over food was inevitable, but it went from many discussions to an attempt to control after we got marriage.
I now eat a steady diet of a huge organic salad with chicken on top almost every day when at home, and given up 90% of the sugary foods I once loved having found organic cocoa protein shakes with banana and stevia. To me it tastes like ice cream. If Lori had her way, I would be eating 50% less shakes and more "real food" but we no longer clash over it, and I no longer feel guilty. Health is important, and one has to find balance to live life well.
The main issue I got from Lori's desire to control is that I rarely was able to feel good in my own skin, or my own home. I could always read her disappointment with me on her face and lips. I am sure it is subconscious for most men and women that when their spouse does not act or do what they think is right they consciously or subconsciously punish them with their mood. It doesn't have to be a mean mood to punish. Just not smiling or as joyful as much, just a frown, just a stare the other direction and your spouse gets the point.
"I am not happy with you right now, so I can't be warm and joyful around you. Look what you do to me when you behave in a way that I do not like. You make me feel badly and it hurts our relationship."
I am sure this is how many spouses feel when they put on their moods or give out snide remarks. "It's your fault that YOU are making me feel this way and no longer in a good mood. How do you expect me to give you great sex if you keep doing this to me?"
What most people do not know until they grow up, (and yes, most men and women have still not grown up), is that the only person you can control is yourself. Not only can't you control another person, it almost always backfires in ways that you might never suspect. Even if you get your way you do not win the husband over, because he may capitulate to your ways, but his spirit is not in communion with you. You have won the battle but are losing the relationship you really want to have. You keep asking, as Lori did for many years, "Why can't we have an intimate relationship!?!"
I have always been 100% committed to our marriage with a strong desire for true heartfelt intimacy with my wife. But what I have discovered is that the more I would move her way in doing things the more the target would move to a higher level of needs, desires, feelings and control. It got to a point where I realized I cannot please this women by living life her way. It was not until I threw off the shackles of trying to please my wife, and instead began to tell her "no" I am going to go play golf now... or "no" I am going to eat this burger now, that I began to feel good about my life and stop walking on eggshells in my own home. To realize that I cannot control her, and if she wants to be upset over a burger, then so be it. Let it not rob my joy.
The interesting thing I have seen is that true intimacy cannot flourish apart from vulnerability, and vulnerably is the opposite of control. It is when we give up control to our heavenly Father and rest on His desires in our life that we draw near to him, and trust Him, and walk by faith in the Spirit. When we try to control our own lives and the people around us what we are really doing is say I lack faith in you, both your spouse and God.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying never have any boundaries, or set any boundaries with your spouse as one big blog is advocating today. No, there are times, but should be very few in a Christian marriage, when a spouse can and should set boundaries, but almost all of these should be related to abuse, not ordinary life. If your spouse is involved in something abusive, only then should protections go up, and a realization that with every boundary comes less of a chance of winning your spouse back, or finding true intimacy. But if the boundary is necessary, it is necessary.
Just remember that control always requires more control to stay in control, and the one you are controlling may behave more like you want them to, but will give less and less of their heart away to you. Why? Because love is a choice and if I do something for my wife because of her mood and control you both lose out on the opportunity to do it because you love her. You know how she feels and thinks after the second or third time she has said it. To go beyond that is to try to get your way, to manipulate, to control.
Ken · 558 weeks ago
What most wives do not understand is what they long for most is intimacy, and yet they go about the opposite way with control instead of vulnerability. Giving yourself over to your spouse to allow him to lead you places the responsibility where it belongs, takes the burden off his shoulders that he always has to please or he is going to pay for it with an unhappy wife, and puts the responsibility of love on his shoulders to realize that this joyful, smiling, content, vulnerable wife of his is his responsibility to both lead and love as Christ loves the church.
The sins of the garden are many in the one act of eating the apple and these sins play themselves out over and over again in far too many Christian marriages. The main sin was selfishness and wanting to be in control over what God had clearly spoken. Eve usurps Adam's authority, Adam usurps God's authority, and all of mankind is plunged into a vicious cycle of sin, wanting to be in control. True faith and intimacy go hand in hand for both your relationship with your spouse and our God. The more you try to control either one of them the further intimacy is pushed away, all because of a lack of trust.
If you don't love me enough to trust me and to let me live my own life, then do you really love me? Or do you simply love yourself more and want to protect that love of self by using control? Selfishness is self seeking and love seeks the best interest of another in good times and in bad, and until death do us part.
Deb · 558 weeks ago
Maria · 558 weeks ago
HisHelper · 558 weeks ago
I, the natural foods gal, married a junk food junkie too! While he has not jumped on board with improving his diet, I thankfully no longer feel the need to control. It truly is his responsibility and not mine to nag him about. (How much more at peace I am in understanding that!) I hope that as he trusts that I am not trying to manipulate him in what he eats he will come to appreciate the health benefits of feeding his body foods that nourish. But if not, I will be content with what he chooses and leave the rest to the Lord. I still sometimes cringe when I put the 2-liter bottles of coke in the shopping cart to take home to him, thinking how I don't want him to have to become sick before he realizes there can be consequences to eating poorly, but as much as I can I prepare the foods that he likes and try to cook those meals using the most nutritious methods I can. (Using coconut oil vs hydrogenated margarine, for example.)
Thank you again for another great post!
HisHelper
Cori · 558 weeks ago
elleberra 15p · 558 weeks ago
musicow2 22p · 558 weeks ago
Heidi 'Strandquist' Brachle · 558 weeks ago
Brit · 557 weeks ago
My mom and grandma are very, very controlling with their nagging and emotions. My grandpa can not eat a single dessert without comments from my grandma. He sounds like what Ken said above. He now just does what he wants to do and realizes that he can't control my grandma's reactions. I love them, but I desire more in my marriage!
Also, I have an emotional husband. He can be very energetic and happy one day, but then the next day be really down and discouraged. He is a strong Christian and desires to please me and God, but like his dad he is a roller coaster with emotions. His emotions really effect my emotions. It's really hard for me to be joyful when he's not. His work deals with sales, so somedays are really good and some days are not so good. Do you have any advice in how I can be the rock in our family to have joyful emotions/attitudes? I wonder how much better his team would be at sales if I was a better wife?
Letting go of what my husband eats has been the easiest decision I've made and stuck with. However, I really struggle with not controlling his time and easily getting hurt when he doesn't meet my expectations. I realize I'm a sinner doing my best and thankful for God's grace, but I feel like I'm in quicksand. I realize what I need to do, but struggle so much to do it.