Always Learning: When the Leader Isn't Respected

Saturday, November 28, 2015

When the Leader Isn't Respected

Grandma wants to feed her grandson who has Type 1 Diabetes junk food when he’s at her home since she believes his parents are way too strict and health conscious. The father wants to feed him only good and wholesome food because he has this disease. He wants him to be as healthy as possible. They fight back and forth, calling each other names and always angry at each other. The daughter of Grandma wants peace between the two. She loves and respects both her mother and husband and wants them to stop arguing about it. How does the psychologist help them?

She counsels them to think how they will act before they see each other. Ask “How…?” questions instead of attacking each other and so on. She gave several steps they needed to take anytime they are with each other. I have heard the same type of steps given to married couples in order to solve marital arguments and conflict.

My answer to the above problem: The husband is the head of his wife and family; what he says goes! Easy! There is no trying to remembering what to say, how to ask the questions, etc. There’s a leader in this home and it isn’t Grandma. See how easy the problem is solved when there is one leader and a final decision maker?

Conflict and arguing are bound to happen when there is no leader. Of course, this solution wasn’t given to this couple since they don’t believe in biblical headship of the husband and neither do a lot of Christians. Trying to do things that are contrary to God’s plan makes things SO complicated! The whole time this conversation was taking place, I knew the answer immediately and it would have been solved if I could have given it. I would have been laughed off the stage, however. They would tell me I want women to go back to the Stone Age. No, I want women to go back to the Lord’s ways; the ancient paths laid out for us many, many years ago.

A father has every right to do with his child as he sees fit and mothers-in-law should respect that right. We need to do everything we can to promote peace in families and peace always comes when there is one designated leader. I was talking to my neighbor the other day. I said to him, “Aren’t your children your greatest blessing?” He responded, “They are one of them but my wife is by far my best blessings. God threw out the mold after He made her.” His wife loves to serve her husband and make him happy. She respects him as the leader of their home. There is peace in their home. Peace comes from doing things God’s ways. They will NEVER come by trying to do them our way.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ,
the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
1 Corinthians 11:3

Comments (16)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

0 Vote up Vote down

Dave · 487 weeks ago

Thanks Lori. You speak the"simplicity of Jesus" while so many others are creating "another gospel that is accursed." You have found Him!

1 reply · active 487 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori Alexander 122p · 487 weeks ago

Yes, I have! I love the simplicity of Jesus and His ways. There is NOTHING that is better.

0 Vote up Vote down

H. Lynn · 487 weeks ago

I don't know what to do since my parents don't respect my husband- they belittle him in front of my kids and disregard our wishes in areas of certain food, media etc-they turn it into a joke and basically tell my kids what my husband and I deem as wrong is okay- they even think it's funny when they feed them fast food and then they get sick later that night since their bodies aren't used to it- I want my kids to be able to spend time with their grandparents and know that I respect them as my parents but it's always a battle since our priorities and thought processes are so different.

2 replies · active 487 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori Alexander 122p · 487 weeks ago

I encourage you, Lynn, to have a long talk with them or write them a letter since they are your parents and tell them plainly that they are not allowed to disrespect your husband or your wishes. If they continue to do so, don't be around them until they can stop. These are your children and you get to decide how to raise them, not your parents. Plus, your husband should not have to put up with this kind of behavior from them. Sometimes, you have to make a bold stand against this type of behavior to make it stop.

Make sure you let them know that you love them very much and want to be with them but they have to stop this behavior. Also, tell them in a spirit of gentleness and ask the Lord to give you wisdom for the words to use with them and that their hearts will be soft and open to listening.

0 Vote up Vote down

helen · 487 weeks ago

Hi H.Lynn

I Heartily concur with Lori on this issue, your husband must come first and you need to tell your parents that plainly. You should not see them until their behaviour changes if this is how they continue to be. This is just not acceptable for them to disrespect your husband in this way.
Blessings to you
Helen UK

0 Vote up Vote down

Stephanie · 487 weeks ago

Great article! I see some young wives trying to please their mothers and fathers instead of their husbands. It's sad.

2 replies · active 487 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori Alexander 122p · 487 weeks ago

They think that they are still supposed to obey their parents but the Bible commands that children obey their parents; they are no longer children. Once a wife is married, she is to obey her husband since he is her authority. We are always to honor our parents but this doesn't mean we have to let them run our home and do as they choose!

0 Vote up Vote down

HappyHomemaker · 487 weeks ago

Amen!

0 Vote up Vote down

Melissa M. · 487 weeks ago

Thanks for the insight on this! I never thought of this as a leadership/headship issue!

0 Vote up Vote down

Sherri · 487 weeks ago

So what happens when a wife is trying to respect her husband's leadership but he's the one feeding them junk food and junk media and threatening to punch them in the face or break their arms etc. for not changing their behaviour for a lifetime after he said it once because "he has every right to do as he sees fit wtih his child"? He hasn't inflicted that sort of injury yet but it is a standard threat, coupled with many insults and swear words directed at them. I have been praying fervently for 11 years and nothing changes. I know we are not to find an excuse to leave, but where is the line? Do I stay with a man who throws fits of rage and viciously verbally abuses us while my children grow up the same way and are lost because of his example? Praying has yielded literally nothing. I pray for myself too to be cleansed of wrong attitudes and habits as well and have made progress, plus I know God won't listen if we cherish sin in our hearts, but how perfect do I have to get before God will help us?

3 replies · active 486 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori Alexander 122p · 487 weeks ago

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, Sherri. Since he has never followed through on his threats, he probably never will and you need to be the one to continue to encourage and build your children up in the Lord. He uses these threats to manipulate his children to obey him. The Bible doesn't give an excuse out of marriage for a man like this. Therefore, I encourage you to find a godly, older woman who will encourage you and walk with you through this difficult journey. Carefully study 1 Peter 2 and 3. Jesus suffered at the hands of evil men and women suffer at the hands of disobedient husbands but they are told to win their husbands without a word by their godly behavior.

Sherri, I can only give you biblical advice since my advice would be worthless. Do everything you can to lean upon the Lord and His strength. Consistently teach your children the Word of God. Do you have Created to Be His Help Meet? Debi has a lot of encouragement for women with similar situations. You don't need to be "perfect" for God to help you. Someday, you will look back on your life and see how God helped you all along the way for He promises He will never leave nor forsake you. Pray may not yield what you want but you must rest assured that the Lord is at work and He hears your prayers. Never give up. He loves you and your family. Stay in the Word and in prayer for there is no greater path to be on than the one that leads to eternal life. I will pray for you Sherri and for your husband's repentance and for saving faith in Jesus.

0 Vote up Vote down

Jo · 487 weeks ago

Sherri, my heartbreaks for you because I know where you are coming from. Verbal abuse is part of domestic violence and I have accepted it for over 20 years from my husband and I am finally putting my foot down simply because I have reached my limit mentally (a person can only tolerate it for so long). Unless you have lived with a violence spouse, most people do not understand the toil it takes, it is mentally and physiologically draining and it affects the woman’s health directly and indirectly.

I would suggest you find a christian counsellor to help you through this - I have done it one my own and its very difficult. And it is very damaging to the children and I have seen the consequences of this with my now adult children. I have prayed endlessly and like you, my husband has never changed. However, I have grown stronger and more able to cope with it. But one should never have to cope with a violent spouse. I have shed far too many tears and I hate to see other women shed those same tears.

I pray for you that you are able to find someone to help you through this because it is far more than just difficult. And remember - you are not to blame.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori Alexander 122p · 487 weeks ago

Jo, We ALL have trials and sufferings in our lives. Not one person will escape them. Charles Spurgeon's wife was an invalid for many years before she died and besides the suffering this caused him, he suffered in many ways yet he said this about suffering ~

“It would be a very sharp and trying experience to me to think that I have an affliction which God never sent me, that the bitter cup was never filled by his hand, that my trials were never measured out by him, nor sent to me by his arrangement of their weight and quantity.”

“I am afraid that all the grace that I have got of my comfortable and easy times and happy hours, might almost lie on a penny. But the good that I have received from my sorrows, and pains, and griefs, is altogether incalculable … Affliction is the best bit of furniture in my house. It is the best book in a minister’s library.”

“Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord.” There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains; no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. Hence they bring us to God, and we are happier; for nearness to God is happiness. Come, troubled believer, fret not over your heavy troubles, for they are the heralds of weighty mercies."

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. {Romans 5:3-5}

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. {James 1:2-4}

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. {Romans 8:18}

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. {1 Peter 4:12}

We must encourage each other in our trials and sufferings since these draw us closer to the Lord. Yes, as I said she should seek a godly, older woman to help her walk through this difficult path but I have no idea what you mean by "putting your foot down." Is this what Christ calls you to do with a disobedient husband?

0 Vote up Vote down

Anon · 486 weeks ago

A long time ago, my husband and I met an older couple who told us that early on in their marriage, the husband started mistreating the wife. Her father, also the pastor of their church, was informed of what was going on. After confronting his son in law a few times with no success, the father in law went over to their house, and told his son in law that he was taking his daughter home with him. He said, You stood up in front of Good and witnesses and vowed to honor and cherish this woman, who is bound to submit to you, and you are breaking those vows, so until you can get it together, she's coming home with me. He said, You get with the elders and work out dinner kind of accountability program and when they are satisfied that you are going to honor your vows, I'll bring her back. I was kind of apalled, but the sin in law said it was the best thing that ever happened to him-that no one had ever held him accountable before then-so he did work with the elders and sought professional help as well at the elders request and after several months, the pastor brought his daughter back. They went on and continue to have a wonderful marriage and family. I've always been fascinated by that story and wondered what kind of impact the church could have on marriage of it would actually hold husbands and wives accountable for the voted they make.

2 replies · active 486 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori Alexander 122p · 486 weeks ago

It would be WONDERFUL it the church still helped in situations like this one! It would definitely have an impact on marriages and may even save some of them. Thank you so much for sharing!

0 Vote up Vote down

Lindsay Harold · 486 weeks ago

It used to be that people lived in communities with their extended families close by and an abusive husband would be quickly taken to task by the father, brothers, uncles, cousins, etc of the woman being abused. Unfortunately, we don't welcome or encourage this kind of accountability and community and it's one of the reasons our communities and families are breaking down. We all live in our separate islands, only marginally attached to each other in an impersonal jungle. That's one of the reasons it's important to build a Christian community and hold each other accountable and provide a supportive community. We can't expect to build a healthy community with the world, but we should be able to find it in the church.

Post a new comment

Comment as a Guest, or login:

Share on Facebook

Connected as (Logout)

Email (optional)

Not displayed publicly.

Tweet this comment

Connected as (Logout)

Email (optional)

Not displayed publicly.

Submit Comment

Subscribe to

"Mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which you have learned and avoid them." {Romans 16:17} All comments WILL be moderated before being published. Thank you for your patience.

Comments by IntenseDebate

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)