Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Are You Married to a Jackass?


No, this is not the language I typically use. I've never used bad language, actually, except when I tried sewing. {Thus, I gave it up fairly quickly!} After I was done speaking to Dennis Prager, he said these words, "By the way, I do believe that except in the cases of true men that are real jackasses, the woman makes the marriage good or bad more than the men do." I have mentored women married to "real jackasses." They are men who don't work, don't support their families, usually addicted to some type of drug or alcohol, and make their wives miserable. If they have physically abused them in any way, I tell them to call the authorities. However, none of these women have divorced their husbands yet. They pray consistently for their husbands. They are Jesus to their husbands, sanctifying them as they continue to keep their vows to them. God is their strength and comfort. 

It is amazing to me what tenacity these women have in the face of such adversity but we must always remember that with God ALL things are possible. These women are holding onto the hope that one day their husbands will be saved clinging to the verse in I Peter 3:1, Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation {lifestyle} of the wives. 

However, if you aren't married to a "jackass," you do have the power to make your marriage good or bad as this verse in Proverbs 14:1 states, Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. I have witnessed FAR too many marriages completely turned around, including mine, by the wife learning to love, submit to, respect, obey, please, and serve their husband. The Bible is NEVER wrong! When others say "Happy Wife, Happy Life," they are speaking Truth. When a wife is joyful, thankful and praising the Lord, she makes a home happy! Unfortunately, way too many women are plucking their homes down with their own hands, instead of making a happy life for their husband and children.

Yes, I would be laughed at if I ever spoke at Yale or any other University, as Dennis Prager also said after speaking with me. Students are taught the world's ways that are diametrically opposed to God's ways. Women are taught to be strong, independent, that there is no difference between male and female, and there's way more to life than being "stuck" with a man and being a homemaker. Also, a wife should never have to smile at her husband since it is the husband who should strive to make the wife happy by meeting all of her expectations. Worldly wisdom is backwards from God's marvelous ways.

We should expect nothing less than to be laughed at and suffer through difficulties, women. This is not our home and the Bible repeatedly warns us about this. Staying married to a "jackass" is difficult but God doesn't call us to an easy life. He tells us that our lives will be filled with suffering and trials. It's not always easy to be kind, patient, loving, and submissive to our husbands, even if he is a good husband, but God has a high calling on our lives. He calls us His children and lights to a dark world. Our lives show the world that someone greater than ourselves lives inside of us giving us the power to live for Him. Continue on in this spiritual battle, women of faith. Your labor is NOT in vain! Who better to be rewarded by than the King of Kings?!

Comments (18)

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Your fear of God and respect for His Word is almost incredible in today's world, Lori. Praise to our God for your faith in Him. To use phrases like "this is not our home" will get you in trouble. Almost every 'godly' person I talk with rejects this thought along with Sarah viewing her husband as her "lord." These were not placed in scripture for filler.
1 reply · active 507 weeks ago
Thank you, Dave. I am just reading Deuteronomy 4 this morning and God commands we teach His Word for we are His "own possession." Then He reminds us that "the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." I never want Him to say, "And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?" I always want to be a person who builds her life upon the Rock and is NEVER ashamed of His words and ways.
"Also, a wife should never have to smile at her husband since it is the husband who should strive to make the wife happy by meeting all of her expectations. Worldly wisdom is backwards from God's marvelous ways." ---- THANK YOU for that! It seriously makes me ill to hear Christian ladies who feel they are owed a constant "catering to" by their husbands. While there certainly are "jackass" husbands, I really believe there are fewer than we think simply because women are brought up with the unrealistic expectation that it will always be about them. True happiness for a wife isn't in receiving flowers and constant love notes. Although these are nice, a truly happy wife is one who finds her joy in Christ by fulfilling her God-ordained role as help meet..... no matter the circumstances or what her husband does or doesn't do in return.
1 reply · active 507 weeks ago
This is my first time reading your blog, and I guess I want godly advice, I have been married to my husband for 15 years we lived together 2 years before that, we only got married because I got saved and got pregnant and was going to move out to do the right thing, now we have a wonderful 14 year old son and I have raised 3 step children to adult, we also have custody of his great niece that is 11, now we have been separated for 3 years and everyone Christian or not says get a divorce. my husband has had several affairs, and never wanted to "be with me". I am overweight and not really his type, he has lived with several women throughout our separation and I just keep praying, he is a hard worker and only and occasional drinker, but is verbally abusive to the point that I wanted to commit suicide and see a therapist monthly to deal with depression and low self esteem, everything he done was my fault, according to him, the great niece that am raising now by myself is most likely his child from and affair with his nephews wife, he has no morals when it comes to sex,, he says to him its just like borrowing someone else's truck..so I am asking you in your opinion when is it ok to say its over ,, I have not lived with him in 3 years, or "been with him in 5" yet I cannot get passed the thought that god hates a divorce,
1 reply · active 507 weeks ago
God does hate divorce, Melony, but you do have biblical reasons to divorce him since he has broken his vows and been unfaithful but if he hasn't asked for a divorce and you feel guilty getting one, I would encourage you not to. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do you have an older woman who can mentor you, encourage you and help you along this difficult path? Are you involved in a good Bible believing church? Are you in the Word consistently feeding on the Word of life? The Bible does say that a woman may win her husband without a word by her godly behavior. Would you consider yourself a woman who pursues the Lord and His ways? I would love to know more about you!
Your title today made me laugh out loud! This is exactly where I was on the fence over your most recent posts. I was so relieved to see the acknowledgement of the difficult marriages some women and children endure. I have personally lived this and witnessed it from my closest family members. Verbal and emotional abuse, as well as belittling and disrespecting your wife and children can be just as painful as physical abuse, and a lot of women suffer in silence. Thank you for your words of wisdom and sharing what the scripture says! I whole heartedly believe that the closer we are to Jesus, we have the power we need to make our relationships better. I pray about this everyday. Thank you, Lori!
2 replies · active 507 weeks ago
You're welcome, Holly. Yes, I have mentored women in difficult marriages so I always simply focus upon them, their behavior and drawing closer to the Lord, finding strength in Him. Then one day, their husbands will finally repent and call upon the name of the Lord!
The best advice my Daddy ever gave me was, marry a Godly man that loves the Lord! I only wish I had taken that more to heart when I should have. I'm ALWAYS LEARNING! ;)
Good post, Lori!

Even a man who is not a full-time jackass can sometimes engage in foolish behavior. It is especially important for us wives to not berate our husbands over momentary foolishness, but to do our best to overlook it and pray for his increased wisdom. I guess we all struggle with that sometimes, though.
1 reply · active 507 weeks ago
We can act in unbecoming ways also, Sunshine! It certainly isn't only limited to men.
The other day I was listening to a podcast by Mary Cassien and Nancy Le De Moss and she said in it that the best advise she could give her sons when choosing a wife is "A bad choice of spouse can bring a lifetime of pain." The same can be said to daughters....take the time to really check out a prospective interest before you end up with a lifetime of pain.
1 reply · active 507 weeks ago
Yes, it is wise to seek a godly man with deep roots in Jesus.
I needed this! Thanks for the encouragement!
What do you do if you ARE married to a jackass? My husband is a drug addicted, alcoholic who is a MISERABLE person to live with. He constantly makes bad choices which have cost our family dearly. He spends so much money every week on pills and lies about it and then accuses me of "wasting all his money". I pay all the bills, buy the groceries, care for the kids and try to be a very good steward of our money, but he still blames me for our financial difficulties. He never takes responsibility for his sins and instead tries to reinvent history to make it look like he did not do anything wrong. All i can say is, he has done some awful things that I ended up paying for and instead of being repentant and admitting his wrongs he tries to make himself the victim. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to live with someone who puts me down, lies, spends money on drugs that we need to care for our 7 daughters, and who is always angry about something and making everyone miserable. I am desperate for advice.
2 replies · active 507 weeks ago
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, Kim. Do you have a godly, older women to mentor and encourage you? Are you involved in a strong Bible-believing church? I encourage you to study 1 Peter 2 carefully. We are told how much Christ suffered for us then 1 Peter 3 begins, "Likewise..." Just as Jesus suffered for us, many wives will suffer under disobedient husbands. What are they called to do? Win their husbands without a word by their godly behavior, learning to have a meek and quiet spirit. "For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection under their own husbands {regardless of their behavior}: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." Keep trusting in the Lord; for His strength, wisdom and guidance. Do you have Created to Be His Help Meet and Matthew Henry's book on attaining a meek and quiet spirit? It's a spiritual battle you are in, Kim, and you need to fight it with the weapons God calls us to fight them with. Your husband is in bondage to his sin and only Christ can free him from them but He may use you to do it since a godly women sanctifies her unbelieving husband.
Kim, I don't have any advice but I just want you to know that I will be praying for you. My son was a drug addict for four years. He is 21. He was delivered just a few months ago and is living for God now. But the drugs change their brain and that is why they always blame everyone else for their problems. Everything was always my husband and my fault, never his, according to him. He stole from us and we had to kick him out of our house. He lives with us now and is a totally different person. I know this is very, very different when it's your husband - you can't just kick him out. I will definitely be praying for you.
I am so sorry that you are married to Jackasses Melony and Kim, but as every case of a difficult marriage is so different, only a mentor or counselor can help you see if there is any hope for remaining married or if their is any godly value for remaining married. Even staying separated is an option and if he has committed adultery, especially unrepentant adultery, you have grounds for a divorce.

Remember, God did grant grounds for a divorce, even though it He says he "hates" divorce. This must mean that in some rare exceptions, like married to an adulterous jackass, you may well be within His graces to divorce your husband. The problem is that no one can make that decision for you. Even if you are on solid Biblical grounds as adultery has taken place, it should not be not automatic for divorce. There is a simple question you must ask yourself.

What will glory and honor God more? Divorce, separation or continued attempts to win my husband. I think once you have been through wise counsel with someone who knows your situation, and have prayerfully sought God's answers, not your own, then you must step out in faith and make your path, being willing to stand before the Lord some day saying that your decision honored Him. No one can make this decision for you once Biblical grounds for divorce are evident. And it is doubly difficult to coach you from a distance with only part of a one-sided story. It certainly sounds bleak your situations, but we do have a God of miracles if that is what your heart is telling you to pray for.

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