Mrs. Alexander,
I recently came across your blog and it is so full of excellent
advice! Thank you for sharing such helpful information. I am a thirty eight year old woman with no kids. My husband and I
have been married twelve years. We haven’t been able to have kids, but have
not sought medical advice or help about that matter because we just figured
that God did not want us to have kids (but that’s another matter). My question is this, what is your advice on the following?
I have worked a job the entire time of our marriage. However, recently my thoughts on working outside the home have begun to
change. I can only guess that it must be the Holy Spirit changing my
thinking. We became members four years ago of a very traditional Baptist
church that emphasizes very traditional roles and values (which I like). The teaching of this is new to both of us so it has taken a while to sink in,
because we have to unlearn everything society and public school has taught us.
Lately, I have begun to feel resentful about the fact that the
best of my time, energy, and efforts are going to help my boss out in
life. In the meanwhile, I am always too tired to cook anything when I get
off work, so we usually eat out, which is unhealthy and expensive. Our
home/life is not sloppy or dirty, but it is certainly not as clean and
organized as I would like it to be. I constantly feel rushed and
drained. I feel like less of a woman. I’m really not sure how much
of our money is being wasted by eating out all the time, or on gas for me to
drive back and forth to work, or clothes for me to wear to work, etc. It
also seems that the more money I make, the more we spend and it isn’t on things
we NEED.
I’ve tried to hint some of my discontent to my husband by asking
him questions about his opinion on me working and not cooking, or did it bother
him that the house wasn’t clean, etc. He just replied that I should do
whatever makes me happy. However, when I suggest that I quit my job to focus
on housework full time, he will really insist that I cannot do that and we need
the money. His job frequently will let him off early, except it is without pay. My husband does almost ALL of the cooking, dishes, grocery
shopping, and his own laundry. I can't do it because I am at work and he
is at home. I can’t stop him from leaving work and doing these things
while I’m stuck at my job. He views it as helping me out and doesn’t
understand my resentment and discontent. But I view it as he is taking
over my job as the housewife (and neglecting his job of being provider). I try to be nice and appreciate his help, but sometimes I get so furious and
frustrated because our roles are all reversed and twisted. He seems
totally fine with it. And even though I do appreciate his help, and I
understand what he is trying to do, he doesn’t make a good housewife! I
can see so many ways he is not doing things (housework) efficiently. He
wastes things; he doesn’t get them clean enough, he doesn’t organize things
well, he can’t find things, etc. Plus with him waiting on me hand and
foot, it makes me view him as less of a man. And I know he would never
understand this because he sees it as his way of communicating love to me.
But like I said, he keeps telling me that I can’t quit my job
because we need the money. But yet he’s not concerned about the money he
is missing by leaving work when they let him (and he makes much more per hour
than me). I know the Bible says I am to be obedient to my husband, but
what am I to do in this matter?
Do I just keeping praying and waiting patiently for God to do
something? Do I try to drop hints to my husband that things should
change? Do I just quit my job and hope everything works out and make my
husband just deal with my decision? I feel like I’m stuck. It’s
like he is using his helping with the housework as a way not to be at
work. Also, I know that he doesn’t think I should stay at home (all day)
unless we had kids, which we don’t. So that adds a complication. And I’ve noticed that most of your articles deal with women who have kids at
home. Well I don’t, and therefore my husband thinks I should work.
I read articles that say, “Well, if you’re tired of wearing the
pants then take them off.” Or, “If you’re tired of being the dominant
one, then be the submissive one.” Okay well, that would involve me
disobeying my husband’s wishes to keep on working at my job. But in the
meantime, I feel like my working is enabling him to skip out on his job. And I feel like I’m not living in the will of God, and that I’m being
disobedient by not being a keeper at home. What in the world am I
supposed to do? Please offer any advice you have or refer me to
other blogs, articles or books. Thank you!
Sincerely,
Jane (name changed)
Dear Jane,
I encourage you to memorize 1 Peter 3:1-6. This is God's
prescription for women with disobedient husbands. You work on becoming a godly
woman who loves, submits to, obeys, and does everything she can to please her
husband and then give it to the Lord in prayer. You may want to make a gentle
appeal to him, if you are already doing all of these things, and ask him if you
could go down to part-time for a while and explain to him that you will live
frugally, fix him great meals, keep the home clean, and be more available for sex. I believe all women should be keepers at home since there aren't any
career women in the Bible who left their homes all day long and God never commands women to be the providers.
Women at home, regardless of their age, can have huge impacts on society.
Keeping their homes clean and tidy and their husbands happy should be their
priority. Then they can minister at their church or to those in need. There is
a great need for this. Keep praying about it and casting your cares upon the Lord. Blessings
to you!
Love,
Lori
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
