Some couples will “try” biblical submission and headship but then give it up since it failed them. One woman wrote about this and gave it up since "mutual submission" works better for them. Are we supposed to just give up God’s ways if we think they failed us? Should we go back to working full-time out of the home when we have young children because we aren’t happy at home? Should we wear bikinis since everyone else does and we don't want to feel out of style? Should we give up submitting to our husbands because it’s not working?
Here
is this woman's explanation of their failed attempt at headship/submission, “But
at the same time, Bob felt like I was throwing everything on to him, expecting
him to carry it all on his own, including my emotional well-being. I guess in a
way, I was. I believed
he was supposed to bear the full responsibility of our family and home. And I
became bitter that he wasn’t 'leading' the way I expected him to.
The results of this shift to a
male headship belief system within our marriage were disastrous. Instead of strengthening and growing our relationships
with each other and with God, it led to bitterness, anger, distrust, guilt,
shame, and unrealistic expectations. Instead of speaking up and
speaking my mind, I would bite my tongue and defer to Bob’s leadership. The
bitterness that resulted caused me to became critical and judgmental of Bob. In
response, he pulled away and our lines of communication deteriorated even
further."
Do you see all of the error in her way of living out submission and headship? Submission isn’t “throwing everything on him,
expecting him to carry it all on his own, including my emotional well-being.” We
are commanded to be our husband’s help meet. We aren’t supposed to throw
everything onto our husbands. We’re to do all we can to make their lives easier.
Yes, they bear the responsibility of the family and home by providing for them
but not doing everything for them around the home. This is our responsibility. We are to be keepers
at home to care for the home and children. This lightens a man’s load. This is
what a help meet is supposed to do, not make his life more complicated. {Titus 2:3, 4}
"He wasn’t 'leading' the way I expected him to." As wives, we don't get to decide how our husbands lead, just as children don't get to decide how parents parent, employees don't decide how their boss leads, etc. The husband is the head over the wife so he is the one that gets to decide how to lead. He is the one who makes the final decisions, without any arguing from his wife. He is the leader of the home and the faster wives appreciate and follow his leadership, the faster peace will reign in the home. Bottom line is she simply didn't want to give up control. Most women want to control.
"He wasn’t 'leading' the way I expected him to." As wives, we don't get to decide how our husbands lead, just as children don't get to decide how parents parent, employees don't decide how their boss leads, etc. The husband is the head over the wife so he is the one that gets to decide how to lead. He is the one who makes the final decisions, without any arguing from his wife. He is the leader of the home and the faster wives appreciate and follow his leadership, the faster peace will reign in the home. Bottom line is she simply didn't want to give up control. Most women want to control.
“Instead of speaking up and
speaking my mind” usually means giving "a piece of your mind" to a husband and letting him know
exactly how you feel instead of in a gentle and respectful way sharing your
thoughts and opinions with him and then being content with whatever he
decides is best. As a result of biting her tongue, she became critical and
judgmental of her husband which is wrong. Biting her tongue is good but it shouldn't be with negative thoughts. If wrong thoughts come into your mind about your husband, get rid of them quickly and dwell on the good and lovely instead. Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ {2 Corinthians 10:5}.
“And I became bitter…” Bitterness should never be in the life of a believer since it defiles many; her husband was defiled, her children were defiled and she was defiled. Bitterness is ugly
and destructive. Looking diligently lest any man fail of the
grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled {Hebrews 12:15}.
Headship/Submission are beautiful. They are God's ordained role for the family. When they are obeyed, there is harmony and peace in the family. They will never produce what this woman produced with her "submission." If your submission is producing ugliness, seek out a godly, older woman and learn about having a quiet and gentle spirit. Ask her to explain clearly what headship/submission looks like. Learn God's role for you and rejoice in it. If it's "not working," pray for wisdom and look up all of the verses that are related to women and their role. Memorize these verses since we are transformed by the renewing our minds with God's Truth.
For the husband is the head of the wife,
even as Christ is the head of the church:
and he is the savior of the body.
Ephesians 5:23
For the husband is the head of the wife,
even as Christ is the head of the church:
and he is the savior of the body.
Ephesians 5:23
Logging you in...
Kim · 453 weeks ago
Ken · 453 weeks ago
You may not have children yet, but can I assume that your decisions will remain the same. You decide how to raise the kids in the home and he decides everything for the outside the home? What if you decided you didn't want to leave for India? Or is that just his decision because it is an out of home decision?
Practically, most Christian husbands are fine with his wife making most if not all the decisions around the home, but biblically, all of the accountability for the marriage, family and home is the husbands. When things go wrong, and they often do, it is his responsibility get and keep them on track. So biblically, I can delegate whatever I want to to my wife and I choose to delegate almost everything inside the home. But I never give up my role and leader to lead wherever I may need to for the interest of my wife and family. It is me who will stand before the Lord and give an account for how my family lives, and thank God I have a terrific wife who is very capable, so she takes on much of the responsibility while leaving me any final say I may feel is appropriate.
Good luck with your marriage and it is likely that you have found a solution that works well, but if by what you are writing you are saying that your husband cannot make a decision within the home without your final consent, then you are doing things in a man made way and not God's way. Man's ways often work great, but they cannot get you the blessings that come from obedience to His Word.
KIm · 453 weeks ago
We decided that the church's teaching was causing the fracturing due to
1)many reasons, as I've discussed in the past on this website
2)automatically thinking that, because of our previous churches (due to geography) had gone off course, we need course correction
3)and I quote "people who love God don't have these problems"
Galatians 5: 22 is not a promise for the wicked. It is the promise for the faithful, and our faith and belief that Jesus Christ is the son of God qualifies us to have the Holy Spirit strengthen us to make the transformation. We've walked away from what I now call "the near cult" church in order to provide room for the Holy Spirit, to provide answers, to stop fracturing. If the need to recover from such a place, in order to heal, in order to save our children being driven to hate church is to form a partnership, then so be it.
Ken · 453 weeks ago
Your opening statement talks about the fruit of the Spirit, and when this woman who hated submission tried it she showed no fruit, so she bitterly gave it up. Her marriage was bad before she started trying, and she never solved the root problem of her rebellion in their efforts towards a godly marriage.
The idea that if all of the sudden I lose my fruit of the Spirit then God's ways must be wrong, is false. God's fruit should come no matter what our circumstances and the idea that a person is made bitter and upset by doing what God asks of her is nothing more than walking in the flesh, not the Spirit. I had many bitter pills loving my difficult wife but I never gave up my efforts to be who God has asked me to be as her husband. Such long time faithfulness bears great fruit... I mean look who I have now for a fabulous wife! And how God has taken her mess and made it her message.
We don't base how we approach life and marriage on our feelings or lack of joy or fruit, we base it on what God tells us to do. I can't imagine Moses or Abraham roaming through the deserts they had to go through year after year looking for God's promises and then deciding "Oh this does not feel good at all, so I must have misunderstood God. If anyone had the right to become bitter it would be one of these two pillars of the faith.
God is clear on the matter of a Christian husband's role and also clear on a wife's role to follow him. How that plays out exactly in the marriage is a decision the husband must make before the Lord, not something a wife decides by her attitude, bitterness, and whatever she does to push the marriage off of God's design.
I am not a fan of highly conservative legalistic churches myself, but I am a fan of following all of God's Word, even the parts that are hard to understand, and believe at times. It is up to each person to live out God's Word according to their knowledge. You know you are to be in a Biblical marriage, and how your husband works with you to manage his household well is his call. And this is best done outside an ultra-legalistic church.
I am a big believer in Christian liberty and grace for those, who just like me, are on a journey of faith and are not yet perfect in Christ. We don't have to see eye to eye on these non-essential matters, but we claim Jesus as Lord must strive to follow Him wherever He leads us with His Word. After all, it is not about this life on earth but being faithful to Jesus. For we have an eternity to come and this is just a small testing ground for who we are to become for an eternity. Agreed?
Kim · 453 weeks ago
My intention with my post is to show some practical ways to reach spiritual goals, ESPECIALLY when churches seems to have you running in circles. Some teachings coming from the pulpit are neither biblical nor helpful. Thankfully, I'm argumentative enough to question. Your path to the most fulfilling life and make impact for the Lord doesn't by default make it my path. When I was mercifully granted peace, I could see the whole picture, and the path we needed to be on lit up like a Christmas tree. Now our home is fill with love and joy, something that seemed unreachable for ages.
After watching a documentary on another kind of Christianity, I realized how cult like our church was. His grace is sufficient. Now, we need to find a church that feeds its flock, perhaps in India.
Ken · 453 weeks ago
“Well God, we tried the submission thing you told us to do and for us it just didn’t work. I mean my poor husband could not live up to my expectations for him as a leader and I became bitter having to bite my tongue all the time. It really was a disaster for us and we felt much better with the marriage when I got out from under that legalistic system of submission.”
Then Jesus says as He shakes his head, “Oh, Joelle, I had such plans for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That you would call on me and come and pray to me, and I would listen to you. That you would seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart that I would have been found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.” (Jer. 29-11-14).
“You see Joelle, I your Maker knew you had this root of bitterness in you. I knew you wanted to be in control and to get your way, even apart from my ways. Doing marriage my way was the only hope you had of learning the lessons necessary for you to be freed from the strongholds of sin where you could learn to be vulnerable, to trust in me as you learned to trust your husband.”
“If I could only show you what was in store for you and your life if you had just chosen to give up your selfishness and walk in my ways. Generation after generation of families that are to come after you could have been blessed by you, but instead, you chose your own life and your own desires and pleasures over those of your husband, family and your Lord.”
One can only hope that the words that come next are words of grace and love that lead to salvation and not the words,
“ Not every one that says unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that does the will of my Father which is in heaven.”
We see how a couple lives out their marriage as a point of liberty and each couple is free to live their marriage out as they believe the Word of God teaches them. But when a couple gives up on Biblical marriage because it is not to the wife’s liking, or she becomes bitter over it, she will need to explain some day why God’s will and ways were not sufficient for her. God’s ways are always perfect, but it is the follower who may stumble and fall while trying to obey them, but learns the lessons God has in store for them so that they may become bright shining stars for the Kingdom instead of one who tried God’s ways, and didn’t like it, so she tossed out the Lordship of Jesus in her life for but a few moments of living as she pleases in this world. Only to discover that eternity crept up on her far too quickly.
Vikki · 453 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 453 weeks ago
Vikki · 453 weeks ago
anon · 453 weeks ago
Ken · 453 weeks ago
I think what you are getting at is that within a godly marriage the husband may have a firm leadership style or a much more loose and relaxed style. I like the relaxed style myself. She is to be a helper to him, and that help can come in many forms so long as the God given roles stay in tact. I have delegated many things to my wife, including areas of habits or improvements I would like her help changing. She knows me best, she loves me best, and I honor her by listening to her and giving her much delegated authority. At at any time I have the responsibility to remove the authority I have delegated or given her if I believe there is a better way.
Yes, God gives the requirement that a husband love his wife and Christ loves the church and and he is to mange his household well. How he accomplishes this should still be within the guidelines of God's instruction manual of having a submissive wife. But submission is not some little wall flower who can't think for herself or make good decisions. The more a husband can delegate to his wife, yet maintain ultimate authority over the marriage and household, the better things can run in the household and marriage. No CEO does all the work, but depends on his VP's to carry out his final decisions.
Every husband should know his wife well and run his household what is best for his family.
anon · 453 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 453 weeks ago
You don't want her to please you?
You don't want a wife to give you sex when you want it?
You don't want her to fix your favorite foods?
You want her to continue arguing and quarreling with you?
You like it when she gives you the cold shoulder?
You like her to always insist on winning arguments?
You don't want her to do things you ask her to do and then she conveniently forgets
about them?
You want her to speak ill of you to others?
You want her to not respect or appreciate you?
Satan has so completely destroyed the word "submission" that even godly men have fallen victim to his lies. It doesn't mean a wife will lose her personality, or her opinions, or even her quirks. It simply means she is going to learn what pleases her husband in every area and follow his leadership.
So husbands, if you don't want your wives to submit, it is completely your
fault when your marriage falls apart.
Now as the church submits to Christ,
so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:24
Jeff · 453 weeks ago
Kaitygirl · 452 weeks ago