The article
in the US Weekly claimed that I said this; "The devout Christian believes
it's a sin for a wife to deny her husband sex." Have I ever said this
before? Do I believe this to be true? Let's see what the Bible says about it.
Sin is doing anything against what the Lord has called us to do. Here are some
verses that can help us figure out if denying a husband sex is sin.
"Nevertheless, to
avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every
woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due
benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath
not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath
not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other,
except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves
to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for
your incontinency (lack of self-control)" (1 Corinthians 7:2-5).
Benevolence means
"a disposition to do good." In other translations, it's interpreted
as saying, "fulfill his duty." Now most women know that men love sex
and they want it often unless they are looking at porn, have low testosterone,
or exhausted from work, but even these don't always keep men from not wanting sex
often. Yes, these verses state that men shouldn't deprive their wives, either,
but since I teach women, I will simply teach them.
God commands me to teach women to love
their husband in Titus 2:4. A huge part of loving their husband is giving them sex frequently and whenever they want it. The exception is if they are both
fasting and praying over something. I would think most husbands wouldn't ask
for it if the wife is sick (the "headache" excuse doesn't qualify) or in pain for some reason but other than these
reasons, wives shouldn't deny their husband and they shouldn't just do it
because they "have" to do it but because they want to do it to please their husbands in this way. They should have a disposition to do him good and
not evil.
There are many men today, including Christian men, who are being denied sex by their "godly" wives. Did you know this is actually emotionally painful for them, godly wives? We are not to deny them so they won't have to use self-control beyond what they are able. Don't put your husband in this situation. Part of the reason he married you was so he could have sex with you often. Men need this and this is why Paul said, "It is better to marry than to burn." Most men burn if they can't have regular sex with the woman they are sleeping beside every night.
If you have a higher sex drive than your husband and he isn't meeting your need, I encourage you to read this post by thejoyfilledwife. In conclusion, yes, it is sin if you are denying your husband sex and it is a dangerous place you are putting your husband in, so stop doing it. Be willing and available to the man who committed his life to you. God clearly wants us to obey what He has told us to do for a reason so it is good to not disobey Him.
HappyHomemaker · 456 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
Alisha · 456 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
Dave · 456 weeks ago
Paul says that for the church to learn to do that, the marriage must first model it.
The wife should want to glorify her husband by answering his call. The wife should want to glorify her husband by, at times, initiating the call. The wife should really receive the blessings of the call.
He calls us to glorify Him and glorifying God here on earth starts with the marriage, and that marriage starts with the bed. Yes, in the bed – ‘they were naked and NOT ashamed’ --- just before everything went to Hell in a hand basket. If you are not crazy [ravished in Song of Solomon = out of control; forgetting all else around you] about your husband and his body and how it works, and you are not crazy about showing him your body and how it works then you have just put the biggest roadblock you could possibly find in your life to be a godly influence on husband, kids, church, community …and YOUR growth in Christ. Let alone being disobedient to Christ and effectively saying ‘God I don’t desire that part of You.’
Forget the wrinkles, the makeup, the gray hair, the sags, the weight, age; boil that thought of yours down: you are simply thinking of self. Think of him. And think of Him. Let the dishes stack up. Let the kids hear the rumbling. Just let everyone know Dad and Mom are increasing their time with the Lord. Think of Martha who told Christ she was too busy for Him; she refused Him even after His call. Mary demonstrated her desire for Him, initiating the call. Are you Martha or Mary?
If every woman that professed to desire Jesus would commit to herself [and her girlfriends] to say ‘yes’ and to take her husband to bed regularly for “X” weeks it would do more good for reviving the church them any Billy Graham crusade tour, or church prayer vigil, or missionary outreach. You think I’m kidding. Sacrifice [Martha] is good but obedience [Mary] is better. Much better. Forget the church meeting. Drop the kids off at a friend’s house [and reciprocate for her] and take your husband home. Quit sacrificing. Be obedient. Now.
And remind my wife!
I’m sorry for frequently butting in but you have interesting and important topics.
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
Lisa B · 456 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
Jeff · 456 weeks ago
When does Jesus give up on the church? Throwing pearls to swine? When a dog returns to its vomit?
Ken · 456 weeks ago
I have counseled men with similar situation to yours. Just fulfilling obedience and sacrifice is not enough if the heart and mind are not doing the actions in love. “Hast he LORD as great a delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams." (I Samuel 15:22).
Jesus may be giving up on his church soon, but he tells us to keep trying to show our our love to a difficult wife. Pray for a miracle and be sure that you have been living out sacrificial servant leadership towards her. This does not mean not calling her out on her sins, but it does mean being certain that we do not stand before God some day and say, "That woman you gave me..." and discover that our efforts were feeble and selfish because we were part of the problem.
Check out BPD. I am finding that many of the Christian men who believe they are trying and trying to have a wonderful marriage and their wives are repeatedly rejecting the relationship, their wives may suffer from the classic symptoms of BPD.
Just Google it, as it may unlock some things for you and show you a direction for seeking help. BPD is most often a the result of a person not effectively bonding with their parent(s). They have never had a real relationship in their life and they shut down out of fear the more the husband tries to bond with them, because of their past hurts, and fear of rejection or abandonment. Their underlying thinking is "If I never get close to my husband it won't hurt as much if he leaves me." It's so sad to see someone who cannot grasp that their actions are destroying their marriage and their life as they blame their spouse.
Jeff · 380 weeks ago
Lisa B · 456 weeks ago
Anon M · 456 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
Kelley · 456 weeks ago
*hugs*
Kelley~
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
I don't like teaching anything to women where they are trying to get their husbands to do what they want. Of course, they can ask their husbands for help in anything but if he declines, this is okay since we are called to be his help meets. I see no problem in saying, "Can you just wait 15 minutes until I get these things done?" Most husbands would happily agree to this without feeling manipulated into doing something they don't want to do.
Kelley · 455 weeks ago
Your reply to my comment troubled me so much, I asked God to search my heart. Have I, as you suggested, been teaching young wives to manipulate their husbands? I digged deep into my past teachings to see if that was true or false. I pray I never would teach anything contrary to the Word of God.
With a sincere heart, I went to my godly husband of 35 years. I want to be wise, knowledgeable and a woman of understanding. We discussed your post, my comment and your reply. We looked circumspectly at this subject of denying the husband sex. To deny means, at its very oldest definition, to refuse or "no." Do I teach for a wife of any age to deny her husband? My husband said I absolutely do not, and, he said, neither do I teach a wife to manipulate her husband. I asked him to please think back to any time he has heard me teach anything wrong along those subjects. I want a teachable spirit and to receive correction.
Manipulation deals with unfairness and one's own advantage. Young wives are the ones who typically are nursing babies, keeping toddlers out of the potting soil, helping Junior with his science project and comforting a tweenager whose "world has come to an end." She sees Dear Husband's look in his eye. She knows his body language. All these members of her family are pulling on her, demanding her attention and care. DH isn't demanding sex and neither is she demanding his help. A simple, respectful question is asked for his help in getting the kids into bed so Daddy and Mommy can get in bed, too. She doesn't complain, "Get off me!" She doesn't sigh or whine, "Can't you see I'm up to my earlobes in KIDS?!" No. She respectfully responds. "OK, tiger. I want to rock your world and please you, too, but right now could you help me do ABC? They need a bath, a story read, tucked in and prayer together. How can we get that done so you and I, Mr. Hunk o' Man, can get into bed at a decent hour tonight?" This is not manipulation. She is not withholding sex from him or denying him. Serving her children is her pleasure but serving him is her greater joy. She has a plan of action. In her mind, this is how all the things required of her can be accomplished. The kids will be asleep where they need to be and she can be with her man where she needs to be. This is what I teach young wives who are in that season of their marriages.
So I asked my husband, "What if he does say no like Lori wondered. Does she drop the crying 7 month-old into the crib and lock the toddler in his room, telling them, 'Gotta go make love to Daddy'?" Denying is her saying no to sex in the privacy of their place, wherever that is. I do not teach denying him; I teach pleasing him. Manipulation is her treating him unfairly and expecting to get whatever it is she wants in return for giving him sex. I do not teach manipulating him; I teach serving him. I teach esteeming him better than her weary self. I teach her telling him, "Can you give me 15 minutes to shower the baby puke off of me? I feel like a milk factory right now but I love how you make me glad I'm your woman."
I sincerely want to teach what's right, and I pray my motives are pure and that I continue to have opportunities to help young wives be the powerful, other-focused keepers of the home whose husbands' hearts safely trust in them.
A faithful reader,
Kelley~
Lori Alexander 122p · 455 weeks ago
I am sure you never teach the women you mentor to manipulate their husbands and that you are a godly woman. I just thought that teaching women to say this would be a way to get the husbands to do what they wanted so they will give the husbands what their husbands wanted. Many women would use this as a manipulation tactic to get their husbands to help them.
Let's say a husband has just worked a ten hour day and is exhausted. Should he still help? I am only speaking from my experience and you are speaking from yours. Ken traveled half the year when my children were small. When he was home, he was almost constantly on the phone with clients or doing work for them. I was blessed to be home full-time, therefore, I had plenty to time to take care of getting the children in bed. I never expected him to help me doing this. His father never helped his mother and my father never helped my mother with housework or with the children. Our mothers never complained about it and never expected their hard working husbands to help them.
Therefore, this was the reason I took what you tell women the wrong way. I value your comments and am thankful you read my blog! I don't mean to insist that I am right and you are wrong. You know the heart of the women you teach. If their hearts are for their husbands and to please them, I am sure your advice to them is great. If their hearts are against their husbands and want to control them, it would not be so good. I hope you understand my thinking. I understand yours and it just may work beautifully for you and the women you teach!
Blessings to you!
Dave · 455 weeks ago
I believe that the best way to test our thinking is to try it on Jesus. Take for instance the Mary and Martha story: should Martha have said yes to Jesus and then qualified it with 'if you help me prep dinner then I will be over to spend time with you' ?? Do we ever cut a deal with Jesus? Do we ever have Him take care of our needs before His commands? Etc. We are so trained to think with a carnal mind, creating excuses, that we do not enact out the exact, usually rigid orders of the Lord. His people are getting ready to enter a period of spiritual boot camp; all hell is getting ready to break loose. We have had the cushy life for the past few hundred years and are too used to it. We need to start doing things the Lord's way or we will sink.
I do think Lori's use of the word 'manipulative' was proper. I will not sugar coat here for life is short. The NATURE of women IS witchcraft. Don't simply stop and observe with the eyes, stop and do the math. [Even most men have not stopped to do this] Scripture says in 1 Sam 15:23 “Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft” and Gen 3:16 says that women SHALL rebel against their husband’s authority. Women effectively practice witchcraft. But, there is more math, the math of hope: James 4:7 says “Resist the devil [the temptation to rebel] and he shall flee.” Think of how Christ resisted the devil when He was wandering without food. He spoke and acted out scripture; He believed in it, that it was real and powerful. And that is how women resist the devil, resist their very nature.
You do not have to be ashamed of HAVING this rebellion: there is NOTHING you can do about HAVING it for your desire “shall” BE to do this. But, …. you do have to be ashamed if you are not trying to manage it, as Christ did above, as James commands.
Ladies, there is no sharper edge, no finer line than with the woman. You can be so incredibly life-giving or unfathomably deadly. Deut 30:19 “Choose life …that thou and thy seed might live.” I truly believe that the healing of the church starts with women. No, that does not mean they get the authority. It means they get the submission, the example to the church on how to submit to Christ. Then and only then will men begin to flourish in the Lord.
“Prove all things” 1 Thes 5:21. I’m not one for frivolity so I have spent my 60 years testing things natural and spiritual and I have not found any more scripturally sound word from a woman then from Lori, and yes, even more so than the likes of Elisabeth Elliot [who BTW…taught men]. Thank you Lori for leading the charge for women to begin the healing of the church “I will make My words in your mouth fire.” –Jer 5:14.
Praise the Lord …He is working! “I will hasten My word to perform it.” Jer 1:12
Amy · 456 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 456 weeks ago
Nat · 455 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 455 weeks ago