Monday, December 15, 2014

Husband Transformation Strategy?

A very popular Christian radio broadcast recently had a psychologist on and they were discussing loneliness in marriages and the high rate of divorce, even among Christians. It's not as high as secular marriages but about ten points below; still way too high. They were saying that marriages break down over time and many women divorce their husbands after the children are gone because they are lonely, not happy, and their husbands aren't meeting their needs.

So what is this psychologist's remedy? Husbands need to learn how to be intimate with their wives. They need to learn to talk about emotions and feelings.  Most women are resentful towards their husbands because they feel lonely and unhappy. Their needs aren't being met by their husbands so this psychologist gives help in what he terms "husband transformation strategy."

Women are more in tune with their feelings and emotions so they are the ones the husbands should learn from. If a wife is contentious, as the Bible describes in Proverbs, it is the husband's fault because he has made her resentful by not making her happy. Men are dense and if their wives are withdrawing, disobeying them, and withholding sex, it should be a clear signal to them that they need to learn from their wives and win them back since resentment makes wives angry and mean.

In fact, the wives are so miserable that they are leaving their husbands at 60 and 65 years of age; something he NEVER use to see in his practice. "I am so miserable that I would rather live alone, break my kid's hearts, shatter my grandkid's hearts. I don't care. I'm so unhappy...I'd rather live alone."

He does state that being unhappy and not having your needs met is NOT a reason to get divorced but I believe his solution is very, very sad. Yes, just blame the husbands on everything and teach them to be the wife's help meet? This is not the biblical solution at all!

The biblical solution is for older women to teach the young women to love and be obedient to their husbands. Learn what pleases them. Wives are even called to reverence their husbands. Withdrawing, disobeying, and withholding sex are SINS!!! These wives are in blatant sin, yet the psychologist blames the lack of intimacy on the husbands. Oh, if only the husbands will become more emotional and sensitive then the wives will become great wives? Baloney!

Christian wives are their husband's help meet, not vice versa. We should go to our girlfriends if we want sensitivity in our emotional support. {Yes, some husbands are sensitive and emotional and that is great, but it shouldn't be a requirement from a husband in order to be happy or not. Men are men. They are wired differently than women for a reason and we must appreciate their differences instead of trying to change them into women.} Wives need to learn to accept their husbands just the way that they are and learn to become godly and submissive, adapting themselves to their husbands. This teaching from a Christian radio program is helping to destroy marriages by setting up unrealistic expectations, in my opinion.  

Listen, I am all for husbands living with their wives in an understanding way and learning what it means to have intimate communications and connected lives. However, there is zero prescription in the Bible that puts the burdens on husbands to find the many ways that will make a wife happy and meet those perceived needs. The concept that a wife can decide what her needs are and how a husband is to meet them is a fallacy perpetuated on marriages within the church and it needs to stop. If we are going to have great Christian marriages, we must seek to do things God's ways, not placing an impossible burden on one person to make another person happy. Happiness comes from a choice, not another person; from living out one's own values, not from getting something from another. And yes, we always hope and pray that our husband loves us as Christ loves the church, but last I checked, Christ isn't trying to get in touch with our feelings. He wants us in touch with His Word and obedience.

 True "Husband Transformation Strategy" is given in I Peter 3:1, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives." There it is women! It's not insisting that your husband make you happy by meeting your emotional needs. It's by becoming godly in all of your behavior; loving your husband, serving your husband, pleasing your husband. If you continue to insist that your husband meet your needs you may NEVER be happy. We must find happiness where it can be found in living out our own values of serving Jesus. After all, it is all about Him, is it not? For the greatest of all is the servant of all.