Always Learning: Warrior Wives

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Warrior Wives

Erin claims to be a "Warrior Wife." My sisters helped point this out to me...

When we were in Wisconsin last summer, I asked Ryan to vacuum out the van for me. Now Ryan is not a perfectionist. That is okay, but sometimes I will say something to him about it. He failed to vacuum underneath some things between the front two seats. I pointed it out to him. Immediately, Erin said to him, "You did such a great job!"

Ryan and Erin moved into their new home this past weekend. Ryan needed to install a garbage disposal, a faucet, etc. Jon and Alyssa were coming down. Jon works in construction so I mentioned that Jon could figure it all out. That night at their home, Ken and Ryan were working on the faucet. I mentioned that it was good that Ken was there to help Ryan. Erin responded, "Ryan could do it on his own!"

She doesn't like to hear Ryan's abilities put down in any way or anything slightly negative said about him. She defends him every chance she gets. Ryan has said to me that her confidence in him makes him a confident leader....Wow!

I learn so much from watching and listening to my married children. They are so wise for their age. They are doing it right and it shows. They are reaping the blessings of heavenly marriages!

Wouldn't you love your sons to marry warrior wives?

And the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Ephesians 5:33

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:12

She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26

Comments (23)

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Charity · 697 weeks ago

I wish I could be more like that. My husband's own family are the ones who are regularly negative and demeaning towards him and it really bothers him and me as well, but I have never tried being a warrior wife... I don't know if I have it in me. I just get shocked by things and while I'm in this shell-shocked state I can't talk - it's like I just freeze up. For instance how do you respond to things coming out of the blue such as, "she could leave you if she wanted to," "the only reason you're anything is because you have her," scoffing and bossing and slighting? I have no idea. There's alot of things I just don't understand or know how to respond to with people.

1 reply · active 697 weeks ago

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Ken · 697 weeks ago

Charity,
I think there is usually one of two reasons why a family will give "digs" to another family member. The first is that there is some sort of family past where hurt or pain took place in the relationship, and even if it is long past, the pain causes the family members to take every opportunity to take shot at the one who they feel caused the pain. Sometimes the pain can be as simple as their son not doing what his parents told him to do.

The second is jealousy. Is your husband more successful than his parents and maybe his siblings? If so, bingo. Although they may admire his success they may be also jealous of it and don't even know that they are jealous in a conscious way.

Either way, your best bet is to defend him with a smile each time they say something demeaning. Run over to him and grab a hold of him and say something like, "I hate it when you say negative things about my hero. You all must be teasing because this man was molded by God perfectly just for me and I would not want him any other way!"

Then it it continues, find a private moment with the Mom and talk to her about it. Try to find out if there is some pain that your hubby can admit to or apologize for to get the relationship back to a positive state. We can all go back and mend hearts, as even if we are not at fault we can apologize that the circumstances or event ever happened.

Confronting this at some point in a gentle and friendly way will create some accountability to get it stopped. Be a bit careful... as you may be opening Pandora's box if deep enough pain exists.

Some families just have a bad habit of teasing maliciously and they think it is funny... when in reality it is very ugly to tear down anyone, even in jest.

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Charity · 697 weeks ago

What would Erin say to those kinds of things?

2 replies · active 697 weeks ago

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Erin · 697 weeks ago

Oh man, I think I'd be as shell-shocked as you. I think it would be good to point out that Lori and Ken don't say detrimental things about Ryan--I just want to make sure nobody doubts his capabilities. :o) I figure that he is my heart and should be treated as such. That said, I would have defended Cassi, Lori, Alyssa, or Jon in similar situations—and I have. So maybe it’s my personality... but hopefully some of this will be helpful. I feel for you!

So, first off, just between us girls on this incredibly public forum-- I think it's terribly important to be respectful and kind toward one's in-laws. They might not be living in God’s grace like they could be, but take this opportunity to bear down (that’s what the air force pilots do when the Gs start ramping up) and hold tenaciously to that grace. I mean, who knows, maybe God has brought you into their lives to benefit them and help them learn to be more like Christ. At the same time, you get the opportunity to bolster your marriage.

As to the comments they make—

Send them to charm school.

No? Well, it was worth a try…

"she could leave you if she wanted to" -- maybe it's teasing, maybe it's not. It doesn’t really matter. I don't think people understand that teasing is largely detrimental due to its suggestive nature. In the face of that... I would shoot something back like "yeah, I could leave, but I'd take him with me." You turn to him and say—“Where do you want to go? Paris? London? Hawaii?” Followed by a SMOOCH (capitalized for effect). Turn it into a game. If they wanna play a game, make it your own game. At home, you can try saying things like "I want a hundred and two years with you" or something to that effect--because you believe in the heart of marriage and, hopefully, love him that much, and not because you're trying to "fight back."

…Part of fighting back is trusting that your man is a man and either has a thick skin or can develop one. Telling him how horrible it is that people are mean to him only enables a downtrodden feeling. Instead of empathizing, empower him by showing him in your own private life that you know how strong he is. That you would spend two lifetimes with him. That your marriage is the brightest point of your life—that you are who you are today because of him. You have to exude the trust that he is above any rude, tactless, or thoughtless remark. Usually, he will rise to the occasion and develop an unshakeable confidence.

So, all that to say… be long-suffering and show them grace and love… pray for them constantly, and good luck to you, darling!

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Charity · 697 weeks ago

Thanks Erin! My husband is pretty quick on his feet with replies most of the time, but he does bring up every couple weeks how he's "never felt respected in his family", and I don't know what to say, and yes, unfortunately I do empathize with him. He knows I completely adore him, always have and always will, but it's like something is missing. He just wants respect from his folks so badly. And I don't know how to make that happen. Before we were married his grandparents told him that I wouldn't stay with him a year because we were too unlike each other, and would tell me things like to find someone 'worth something" instead of him - those things really bothered him. Finally after 3 and a half years I was praying about it one day and just knew what they needed to know in order to treat him with respect , and yes, it was true, they are great now and treat him like the man he is. Guess maybe I just need to keep praying about the immediate family. I'll try not to empathize when he gets frustrated... but not sure what I'll come up with to say instead. I don't want to turn it into a "oh your family is nuts, thank goodness you have me to cheer you on" sort of thing. So far it's been more of "maybe when they see this they'll have an attitude change." Guess not. "Maybe this will do it" Guess not, what else to try? thing...

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Whitney · 697 weeks ago

I love how she supports him fully! I would caution, though, that immediately stepping in against opposition (especially in-laws) may actually worsen the situation. Lori, in your situation your response to Erin's response to your comment appears to be well received by you. I can image (based on my own experience) that such stepping in would not be well received and in fact likely cause need for being a warrior in a whole new aspect in some cases (such as Charity's in the above comments). As for that, I can only go on what I've learned which is to maintain your respect for in-laws by not waging war and meanwhile make full effort to permit your husband to truly know how much you think of him in private. Despite their actions, they are still his family and he will always continue to desire them. His wife showing opposition, even in defense of him, adds to his burden.

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Whitney · 697 weeks ago

I've learned that a man doesn't necessarily need praise and respect to be a public affair, but he does absolutely NEED to feel it most of all from his wife! (I'm still working on this myself!). Again and again, I learn the lesson that I can't change a person (or how someone relates to my husband), but I can change myself (how I relate to him). Thanks for the post, Lori! You're daughter in-law seems absolutely lovely. :)

(Sorry for the two part comment. I couldn't determine what to cut out. Could be indicative of me being a chatty one ;) )

1 reply · active 697 weeks ago

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Whitney · 697 weeks ago

* "Your" not "you're." Ugh, don't know how I managed that. Sorry, it had to be corrected. haha

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Alisa wright · 697 weeks ago

Erin is absolutely lovely!
Signed, her new aunt

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Darlene · 697 weeks ago

Just found this blog site. Love it! Before I read "Created," "Fascinating Womanhood" was my absolute favorite book on marriage (I've been married 25+ years and had read dozens of marriage books.) Now I find a blog which often references my TWO favorite books on the subject! Thanks! Oh, and by the way, I LOVED Erin's comments to Charity about how to handle the in-laws degrading comments...brilliant! Wish I was that quick-minded! Go Erin!

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Diane · 697 weeks ago

Oh yes, I absolutely pray for my husband to have a wife who respects him, honors him... has his back;-) in other words a wife a whole lot like your Erin!
You are blessed♥

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Lauren · 697 weeks ago

This is excellent! Thanks for sharing!

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Erica · 697 weeks ago

I want to be a warrior wife!
I will also be praying that the Lord will send my son a warrior wife! (In due time of course! Hes only 2!) :)

1 reply · active 697 weeks ago

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Erica · 697 weeks ago

Oh yeah! I bet Erin is awesome! Does she blog?

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The Closet Therapist · 697 weeks ago

I just found your blog! I adore it and it's just what I need. We are so involved in church leadership but I don't have a mentor and you seem like a great "virtual" one. My Mom passed away 2 years ago and left a gaping hole in my life. She was my unconditional love person that I talked to every day. I struggle with my in-laws because they are so mean to me and I see you have lots to say on that subject as well. Well, this is a rambling comment but just wanted to say thank you for writing and I look forward to reading more about how to be a godly wife and person.

Jennifer

1 reply · active 697 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 697 weeks ago

I would be happy to be your virtual mentor, Jennifer! Feel free to email me anytime.

Blessings,
Lori

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Jenny May · 697 weeks ago

Hi, another great post....I knew that i was doing something right when my husband looked me in the eye and told me I made him feel more powerful. For a man, I am sure this is a great feeling. He makes me feel loved. I make him feel respected...in turn...he feels powerful...and wants to show me his love. It's a happy cycle when done right but wil not work once the wife becomes nagging, critical, self centered, and difficult to live with...I am sorry to say I have been all of those...once repentent of this...the amazing changes in my marriage were apparent to everyone. What a blessing we have in the bible as far as our direction to be warrior wives...I love that!

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wolfsrosebud 30p · 696 weeks ago

encouragement is a sweet thing at any age... I have a few daughter-in-laws that are warrior wives... praising God... and praying we're all consistent with respecting our husbands

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Bobbi · 696 weeks ago

When I'm feeling grumpy with my in-laws I try to remember that we both love the same man...He's mine now...And yes, they can be annoying and rude...but for his sake I can bear it and smile until I take him home with me!! Thanks for this post...and the comments too!

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Messy Marriage · 696 weeks ago

And it's great that you see this quality in your daughter in law! Way to go, Mother/Wife Warrior! Great post!

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Tami Boesiger · 696 weeks ago

Mmm . . . good reminder to be our husband's biggest cheerleader. We help him be all he can by believing he can do it.

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e-Mom · 696 weeks ago

Awesome! You're fortunate to be so close to your married children. They have learned well from you and your husband.

Thanks for linking up for Marriage Monday today!

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Fawn · 695 weeks ago

This is a fantastic post! I think my mom-in-love would definitely say I'm a Warrior Wife. I've never heard that term before but hopefully you won't mind if I borrow it :). Thank you for your beautiful words.

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