Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Casting The First Stone



So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her
{John 8:7}

Women who have husbands that are caught in pornography are sometimes asked to separate from them.  I think this is the wrong advice.  The Bible says that if wives have husbands that are disobedient to the Word, the wives will win their husbands without a word as they watch their wives live godly lives. {I Peter 3:1}  It also tells us that a believing wife is not suppose to leave her husband.
{I Corinthians 7:13}

I always wonder what sins the wife is committing ~

Is she nagging, manipulating, or trying to change him?

Is she negative and critical towards him?

Does she show him disrespect by rolling her eyes, correcting him, and arguing with him?

If she isn't doing any of these things, but instead is loving, serving, pleasing, easily forgiving, and respecting him, then maybe she can sit in judgement of him.  She must be very careful, however, to not judge his sin so much worse than hers and feel self-righteous about it.

If you have a husband caught in pornography, hopefully he will confess it,  pray about it, and want to be held accountable.  If not, you pray for him and love him anyways.  No, it is not easy but it is God's ways and His ways work a lot better than our ways.

Men who are trapped in pornography are in a trap, a deadly trap.  They hate it and what it does to them.  They are in a pit and God can use you to help him climb out of that pit.  Godly wives sanctify their husbands. {I Corinthians 7:14} As you live Jesus in front of them, they will be convicted of their sin and may even be released from it.

Comments (21)

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The way I always thought about things like that was this...am I really so blameless that I have ANY right to be judging anyone else? Great post!
It's not just men who are caught in the pornography trap. A growing amount of women are falling victim to it too, nowadays.
This is a great post. Having a husband with this problem can make the wife feel so betrayed and that he has broken the wedding vows. She can also feel devalued and thus unwilling to perform her wifely duties because he made it seem dirty in her mind. I am sure she is also wondering if he is fantasizing about these images instead of focusing on her. This is when she needs to turn her own hurt feelings (not just feelings of judgement) over to the Lord and pray for guidance and wisdom as well as comfort.
Lori, what are your thoughts on couples where both the man and woman in the relationship love porn and are ok with each other watching it?
5 replies · active 682 weeks ago
The Bible warns us to FLEE sexual immorality. I take that admonition seriously.
But what is immoral about it if it enriches your own sex life you have together?
Pornography is extremely immoral. It degrades women, causes much grief in marriages, and consists of fornication, adultery, and immodesty, all things specifically forbidden in Scripture. The marriage bed is to be kept pure and undefiled. Pornography defiles everything it touches. Flee It!!!
You may feel that it is enriching for a time, but in the long term it will only cause damage. This is one of Satan's lies, that sin and evil can make us happy. And guess what? Sometimes they do - but it is not lasting joy. There are lots of things considered wicked that may be enjoyable or fun, but will destroy your soul eventually. It is immoral because you are watching other people have sex. Would you watch another couple have sex in real life? (I'm hoping the answer is no!)
I also believe that porn brings in another person to the marriage bed. (not literally) No different than if they were there in person.
Lori, my husband has never been involved porn (thank God), but he did have an emotional and then physical affair. We were separated for 2 months while he was with the other woman, and then God moved in his heart and told him to end the affair and come back home. He did and has not looked back. During the time of our separation, I prayed for two things. I prayed for God to change my husband and bring him back to us, and I prayed for God to open my eyes to see the things about myself that needed changing. People were surprised to learn that I was seeking to learn the ways I had failed my husband as a wife until that point, but I knew that my husband's affair was not a one-way street. Now, I am absolutely NOT saying that it is my fault that my husband cheated on me, and he most certainly had areas where he needed changing, but I was wise enough (thanks be to God) to realize that if my marriage was going to work on the other side of the affair, it would require changes on both of our parts.
Even though the Bible does say that adultery is the one reason why a husband and wife could divorce, I still didn't believe that it was what God wanted for us.
1 reply · active 682 weeks ago
Thank you for your testimony, Megan. It is amazing and very good. Marriage is definitely worth fighting for.
Great post! My heart aches for women that are going through this. My husband struggled with pornography before we even met. He told me about his past struggle when we were seriously dating and how he overcame it. He still has people that hold him accountable today (about 10 years later) and he mentors other men/keeps them accountable on this issue.

Even though he didn't do this while I was married to him, it was still a struggle with us for a while. I suddenly had these insecurities I had to overcome because of my husband's past sins. He is so passionate about keeping young boys pure, and I'm so thankful that he is the father of my boy (and boy is my belly and any future boys :)). It still pains me to think about it, but I am far from perfect or blameless either. I had to realize that I too have sinned before I could fully overcome my insecurities. (and a side note.. our sex life improved too once I dealt with MY issue!)
1 reply · active 682 weeks ago
I think most men who are raised from an early age not being taught how horrible pornography is do struggle with it. Especially now that it is so available. Just keep talking to your children and telling them how wonderful God's ways are and God made them for their protection.
I think my husband and I have a different take on pornography than a lot of people. My husband is a police officer and has dealt with so many problems because of it. A pornography addiction is a serious thing. It starts with regular pornography but soon enough, that is no longer enough. That is how men get into child pornography and other dangerous perversions.
Also - Many people who commit violent crimes against women and children admit to participating in pornography earlier on. It is such a serious thing. Pornography seems to be a gateway to hurting people because they are learning to objectify another human being. If you don't see someone as human, eventually hurting them doesn't even prick your conscience.

I'm not saying women should divorce or separate from their husbands who look at pornography. However, pornography is an addiction often more powerful than any drug and needs to be taken just as seriously. If his addiction gets out of hand and more serious, even a wife's example may not be enough.
1 reply · active 682 weeks ago
For the reasons you're alluding to, I cannot equate pornography with things like nagging, sloth, greed, etc.

Frankly, pornography is powerful. It serves as an advertisement for the way some viewers think sex "should" be. Violent, objectifying of a woman (or a man- but most pornography is geared towards men), and devoid of emotion and intimacy. Viewers get such a pleasurable reaction to it that they think their own sex lives should emulate what they see on screen.

I'm a social worker- and I work with women who have survived abuse. When learning their stories, I hear porn mentioned in some way in almost every single case. I admit that I (like your husband) have seen the scariest and most extreme results of pornography, but I believe it really does affect every relationship that it touches even if it's not as extreme.
Porn is so eaily accessed now, it is a huge problem! As a therapist I've seen marriages crumble because of an adiction to porn. I have to say that if my husband had a problem with porn, I would support his getting help. But, If he was unwilling to get treatment, I would leave. I feel that wives who stay and put up with their husbands porn habits are enabling them.
1 reply · active 682 weeks ago
I believe a nagging, maniuplating, and controlling wife is every bit as destructive to a marriage as pornography. It just isn't talked about as much.
Agree with you that nagging, maniuplating, and controlling are destructive to a marriage and can in fact destroy a man at his core as much as pornography destroys a woman at her core.

The problem I have with your post is in poor reasoning. They are completely unrelated. Most men with pornography problems came into marriage with the problem. Sadly, pornography problems usually have origins in a childhood event. So the pornography problem has nothing to do with anything the wife may be doing wrong. And the wife can repent and do everything right and it won't help her husband break the habit one bit.

Also nagging, maniuplating, and controlling can be changed by having a repentant heart and choosing to value others more than self and value the good in your husband. A man hooked on pornography can be completely brokenhearted over it and very much value his wife but he will still have the fight of this life to break free because pornography actually changes the way your brain responds to situations from stress, to anything else. It really messes you up.

The other problem is that if a man is unrepentant about the porn use it is absolutely appropriate for the wife to establish boundaries until his behavior changes. I would also say if a wife is disrespectful and acting out, a man can establish boundaries.
1 reply · active 682 weeks ago
Yes, pornography is very addicting and can be life changing, but ALL things are possible with our God. He is great at making ALL things new even rescuing men from the pit of pornography. I have met men who have been set free. God came to set the captive free and He does a great job at doing just that.
I agree with you. They need help not condemnation. I hope anyone reading this who is faced with this problem will take your advice.
Blessings,
Charlotte
My son-in-law has been investing in properties from a teenager. In one of the first houses he found a pile of porn. He later told his mother that putting them in the trash without looking at them was one of the hardest things he has done. Satan over uses this trap (because it works!) but I'm thankful for the men who resist and flee!

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