Always Learning: The Marriage Killer

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Marriage Killer

No, it is not adultery, surprisingly. It is nagging! Nagging slowly eats away the marriage, according to Elizabeth Bernstein from The Wall Street Journal. It is typically the wife who is the one nagging. Even Scripture has verses specifically directed towards women:

A continual dropping in a very rainy day
and a contentious woman are alike.

Proverbs 27:15

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop,
than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.

Proverbs 25:24

The author said that nagging your husband makes him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. Wow! That statement sure puts it all in perspective and helps us understand why it is so dangerous to marriages.

So how can learn to stop nagging your husband?

By accepting him and loving him just the way that he is and not trying to change him.

By looking at all of his good qualities and dwelling on them.

By renewing your mind with God's truth. Study the Bible.

By looking up all the verses of what a godly woman looks like.

By doing a word study on arguing, quarreling, and strife in the Bible.

By studying and meditating on all the verses about peace in the Bible.

By forgiving him and realizing that no one is perfect.

I KNOW you can accomplish this. I nagged Ken for 23 years. I have not nagged him at all the past eight years. So if you nag, admit it and start working on changing this ugly, destructive habit. With God all things are possible. Your husband will love it if you stop and it may even save your marriage!

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laurie · 685 weeks ago

Soooooo true! No one likes to feel like they can't do anything right!

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shanda oakley · 685 weeks ago

OH..so convicting. I have been such a nag lately. thank you for this reminder.

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Melissa · 685 weeks ago

Oh such a good post! Saving it to my Fave's! On Constant Reminder :) Thanks! Also I need to put these verses in every room of my house until I get this habit Kicked :)

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Ken · 685 weeks ago

Bottom line, if you want to change your spouse, start by changing yourself and then leave room for the Holy Spirit to work on his/her heart. Waiting on your spouse to change is useless, so do something good for your marriage and do your part, even when your spouse does not do theirs.

For those who cannot separate out the extremes, nor understand concept of the 80-20% rule, if your husband is having an affair, or abusing you in any way, or gambling, seek wise counsel from others as to how to help him. I doubt that nagging will be their advice to you, but if it is, go for it. Nag away if someone actually advises you that it will be beneficial for your marriage. It makes no sense to me such advice, but instead pray for him and do all you can to help him change without adding to or becoming part of the frustrations and problems.

We are only accountable to God for our own actions and we are called to do things God’s ways, even when they are hard to do. Only then can we expect to reap God’s blessings!

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jbeane6 36p · 684 weeks ago

My husband is a changed man from the early years of our marriage. He loves me, spoils me, cares for me, gives me joy. Nothing I said to him made the difference. God working in him made the difference. I finally let go and worked on my attitudes and slowly the change came. Praise God.
I am not saying there were any great problems in our early marriage...there were not.
It's just that I always thought I knew better...it was an underlying current that caused my husband to shy from doing anything. God knocked me down (hit me in the head with a two by four as it were) with a long illness and I had time to reflect. I asked for help with changing me. That change had a ripple effect. God's Word is true. God's ways work!

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*megan_elzey* · 684 weeks ago

I have soo learned this over the last couple of years. I honestly never got into the habit of nagging, per se, as in "when are you going to take out the trask? you need to pick up your socks! you put the dishes away wrong" What I did do, however, was make comments that were just as deflating (although I was too self-absorbed to realize it at the time). For example, when we were having financial issues, I would make a comment about how we didn't have any money. If he was frustrated because our three children under the age of 4 were all grumpy at the same time, I would basically say "it's just the way it is, you need to get over it."
How ashamed I am now to admit it! I can't change the way I once was, but I can change the way I am now. And I have, and we both feel so much better because of it!

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Cynthia Swenson · 684 weeks ago

Maybe thinking about ourselves less (yes, even our past sins & regrets) and less of how others treat us or have treated us and thinking more of how Jesus DIED so we & others could be forgiven of all these sins would be more beneficial. Maybe the key to loving others, even those difficult to love is to ponder how much God loves each one of us. I'm praying that we will draw from Him the love that covers a multitude of sins, ours & others! Grace & peace to you, in Jesus, Cynthia

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Sarah · 684 weeks ago

My husband actually emailed this article to me. Ha!

I try my best not to nag, and not to complain about how he does, or doesn't, do things. It just makes life more pleasant. However, I also must agree with those calling for accountability on the part of the husbands. If I put forth an effort to be respectful toward my husband, I expect him to return that respect.

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Michelle · 684 weeks ago

I know I've done that, made my husband feel "like a little boy being scolded." Only a couple of times in our 12 years has he become angry, and those were the moments. I love him so much and have so much respect for him...I'm learning to keep my mouth shut and trust the outcome rather than always trying to control. I feel more free, lighter, letting the load onto him anyway, and he bares it with so much more grace than I do. Thanks for the reminder!

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Diane · 684 weeks ago

Wow! How I needed to hear this today. My husband has been telling me for a while that I am "not his mother". I know that I nag him and I try hard not to. Some days it's easy and others - well, it's just hard and I can't seem to stop myself. I really need to pray and study scripture on this because i REALLY need to improve. Thank you for this post ! It helps so much. I want to be a good wife. I love my husband so much and would hate for my nagging to destroy my marriage. I have been married for almost 22 years. You would think I would have learned by now. Everyone - please keep me in your prayers.
Diane

2 replies · active 684 weeks ago

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Michelle · 684 weeks ago

I am guilty of having done this, and probably only a few times in our 12 years, my husband has become exasperated by my nagging. He never gets angry, but I think I did make him feel like a child being scolded. I love him, trust him, and respect him so much...I'm learning to stay quiet, just trust him, and let him take on the burdens that cause me stress. He handles them with so much more grace than I do! We are both happier when I stop trying to control everything, and it's getting easier. Thanks for the reminder

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Joluise · 684 weeks ago

I have a husband who likes to say things like "don't forget to turn the power off" or "don't forget to do X, Y, Z". It drives me spare . . . . I feel like the child. What is your advice as it isn't as if I forget to do these things, he just can't help himself? Somethings I have been doing for 30 years and I still get reminded.

Help please:)

1 reply · active 684 weeks ago

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summer · 684 weeks ago

lol my hubs will love this one! I do believe that is probably really true! Im glad I don't nag to much lol!

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Ari · 684 weeks ago

I'm a newlywed, and I've definitely nagged my husband plenty (even before we were married). Definitely working on this one. Thanks for your wisdom! :)

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S G · 684 weeks ago

If a husband is not a true follower of Christ (chuch attender, yes-but otherwise worldly), then when does a non-nagging wife need to speak up, if at all? I'm not concerned with any suffering my husband causes me to endure, but how his indifference, worldliness, lack of charity and hypocrisy affects our children? I'm lacking clarity in this area. I do not want to bring shame upon him by seeking counsel within our church or give him a reason not to trust me.

6 replies · active 684 weeks ago

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Daenel T. · 684 weeks ago

I'm not a nagger by nature, I tend to just do it myself. But I've found that my husband is pretty good at guessing what I want done, even if he doesn't do it the way that I want it done. After 17 years, we've accepted this is the way it is and we're both incredibly happy.

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Shell · 684 weeks ago

I could definitely see how nagging would wear away at a marriage.

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Mrs. Jen B · 684 weeks ago

I spent years watching my mom nag my dad - and promised myself that I'd never be that way. I think I've erred too much on the side of caution to the point where I hardly bring up *anything* for fear of sounding like a nag.

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Donna Heber · 684 weeks ago

Hi Lori,

I just loved your post and will file this for future reference just in case!

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Riet · 684 weeks ago

I hate nagging and I don't think I ever did it. WE are happily married for 51 years, maybe it is because of not nagging. ??? I like to look up to my husband and how can I do that when I make him smaller.?
Great M word

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Lavender Cottage · 684 weeks ago

Like Riet, I've never been a nagging wife - to what good? We'll be celebrating 40 years this summer and we both show respect to each other.
Loved your post.

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Rocky Mountain Woman · 684 weeks ago

Nagging really doesn't do any good anyway! Who would want to live with someone who is constantly nagging...

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Andy · 684 weeks ago

Hello.
I just celebrated my 10th Wedding Anniversary 3 weeks ago & intend on celebrating many more. For a marriage to be successful and be fruitful to both involved, you have to have respect for each other, always be willing to compromise, tell each other you love the other not just once in a while when the mood suits you, but everyday. Thank your spouse for what (s)he does to make your life easier and most importantly, open communication and discussion are key. Listen when your spouse is talking to you. Look him/her directly in the eyes so (s)he knows they have your full attention. If your spouse asks you to do something that's way outside your comfort zone, at least try...that says a lot rather than not bothering at all. Don't expect your spouse to always be a mind reader...you have to speak up.

Nagging is a relationship killer and over time leads to resentment and unhappiness for everyone involved. As imperfect humans, we are all guilty of it at some time or other. Take time out to stop, reflect & recognize your own weaknesses first. Once you work on those, you will see a huge difference in your relationship in the long run.
Very enlightening post.
Thank you for sharing.

Midnight Rainbow

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JDaniel4's Mom · 684 weeks ago

It just makes my husband's hair stand on end.

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Anne · 684 weeks ago

I love the Scripture you used to write this post! After seeing the Super Bowl and hearing Tom Brady's "nag of a wife" I am grateful not to be so evil to my own husband! But ngging can be a problem and we all need to curb our tongues as women! Thanks for showing this to us! Enjoy your weekend!

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