Christian
men today often fear their wives' reaction to their leadership more than they
fear disobeying God. {Virgina
Fugate}
Wives are
very good at using their emotions and moods to manipulate and punish their husbands.
I know of a number of women who are holding deep seated and long standing
issues against their husbands. Their husbands have apologized to them numerous
times over the decade since the infraction(s), yet their wives still go into
a multitude of facial contortions and snide remarks every time their husbands do anything they think is wrong instead of forgiving them as Christ commands.
Some of these
wives are even in leadership positions at their church. Somehow
they can reconcile teaching God’s love and complete grace for salvation for everyone but to
their own husbands. They cannot see that the time for punishment and
humiliation should be long gone, if ever displayed by a child of God.
Too many
women today wear the pants in their homes believing they are much better leaders than their husbands. They decide how the marriage is
going to be run, when they will have sex, how to raise the children, etc.
Many men, therefore, walk on eggshells at home trying to not upset their
wives, or incur their negativity.
We can be so good at manipulating, nagging, and controlling which are all behaviors completely contrary to God’s Word and unbecoming a godly woman. It is not our job to control our husbands or punish them. Our job is to please and serve them, and to show them the love, forgiveness, and grace of the Spirit who lives inside of us, so that they can become all that God wants them to be.
So, let me ask you, is your husband afraid of you? Is he free to make requests of you and share his likes and dislikes concerning sex, food, the way you dress, the way you keep house, etc.? Maybe you should ask him in such a way that he will be willing to give you an honest answer. He should never have to live in fear of his wife, her moods, scowls, or dripping disappointment.
For how can
he lead us and love us if we are unteachable or unlovable?
For the husband is the head of the wife
even as Christ is the head of the church,
his body, and is himself its Savior.
Ephesians 5:23
Logging you in...
elspethbreathinggrace 46p · 598 weeks ago
FABBY · 598 weeks ago
FABBY
Tracy Word · 598 weeks ago
I think entirely too many of us don't realize we are to control our emotions and not let our emotions control us. It's one thing to have them. It's another thing entirely to live by them.
Courtney · 598 weeks ago
2happy4 66p · 598 weeks ago
I don't comment enough, but I am so very thankful for your ministry! I long to find older women in real life who have the wisdom, time and interest to be a mentor to me but I have yet to be blessed in that way. Thank you for trying to stand in the gap electronically for all of us younger women.
Cynthia · 598 weeks ago
One issue that my husband and I have worked to address in our marriage is an issue of trust and communication. Specifically, if I tell him that something is okay with me, he needs to know that I mean it. He's seen too many women who go along with something, only to be resentful. I've let him know that if I ever have a problem or am bothered by something, I'll let him know directly. He needs to trust that I will do that, so that he can trust that when I say "okay" or "it really doesn't matter to me", I will truly be fine with the outcome.
I am concerned that teaching which focused on simply the obedience aspect of submission can actually sabotage marriages, if a wife says "yes" to her husband's requests without stating her true feelings, but then thinks to herself that he's an idea or prays for God to change his mind. To me, that is not honoring or respecting or loving our husbands. If my husband is seeking my input, then it is my role as an "ezer k'negdo" (helpmeet opposite him) to give him that, since he knows that we have complementary strengths and values my perspective as a balance to his. Once I say "yes" and agree to a decision, he has my full support and backing. It becomes OUR decision, regardless of who first came up with the idea. I will never stand back if things go wrong and say (or even think), "told you so" or "that was your stupid idea".
Cynthia · 598 weeks ago
Cynthia · 598 weeks ago
"A wife's submission to her husband does not mean that God will always prevent him from making leadership errors. God often uses a husband's error in judgment as a training exercise to improve his leadership in the future."
This is where I think things can be tricky, and we need to be careful with our instruction.
If a wife looks at her husband's decisions and thinks "he is so wrong" but stays silent and goes along with it, is she really thinking that he'll fail and that God will teach him a lesson? That doesn't sound remotely supportive. Like I said, in our family, if I agree with a decision, then it's my decision too and my husband has my support 100%. I'm not going to leave him exposed to deal with the consequences or take the fall on his own.
Dr. Carletta Griffin · 598 weeks ago
craftybeards 11p · 598 weeks ago
Blessings,
Nicole @ WKH
Angel · 598 weeks ago
Also, if you could touch on how a woman deals with changes toward a more Christlike life when the husband is not convicted about such things. Such as watching shows that show people walking around with only nighties or bra and panties. We used to watch these shows together but when i decided I did not want to do that and told husband he was upset with me. He said I still watch shows that might have a immodest women in them (cop shows). When I said i would give all of them up he still was upset with me. I don't think he doesn't want to give them up because of the immodesty but rather he finds the shows funny. Should I just ignore that he still watches these shows? Remain quiet and let it be between him and God?
I find he defers to me for a lot of our decisions. He always has even though he says I would not submit, really he only wanted submission when i went agAinst a desire he had, like watching tv shows. If a movie has a bad scene in it and the children are watching it, if I say anything about it then he will say "do you want to stop the movie. ". But if I say yes then he will tell the children mama said to turn it off. He does it in a joking way but it bothers me because he never wants to make the decision. I have thought about this a lot and if i turn off the tv then i am the taking leadership and being his mom instead of his wife. Not to mention if i do nothing then i am contributing to our children seeing things. I am at a loss. Do i let him make every decision and accept the consequences?
I know this comes across as i am more holy than mu husband. Let me assure you, i know i am not! I am asking for help because I don't know how to move forward in these two different issues.
Thank you Lori. I appreciate your blog.
Angel · 598 weeks ago
Thanks!
Summer · 598 weeks ago
PJB · 598 weeks ago
On the other hand, both he and I agree that I have significant insight into how to raise the children. I definitely have full input into how our marriage is going to be run. And we don't have sex unless both people actually want to. And I wear pants. That's mostly about respect and good teamwork -- neither of us gets to be bossy or superior. He doesn't often "lead" or actively "teach" me (though I do learn from him) but he definitely loves me!
Ken · 598 weeks ago
Why does an issue that he brings up with you wound you? Would it not be leadership if he actually told you what he was thinking is that you could in turn try to please him?
What can appear as kindness, can also be a form of fear, or capitulation to a strong personality. No spouse should be bossy or superior, nor controlling, but one should have the final say if he wants it. If your husband wants you to be the boss, I guess that it may be submission if you take the lead and wear the pants a his desire or request, but it is not part of God;s clear design as written in His Word.
If we as believers lived out only what works, or what we find successful, without looking to God;s Word, we lose out on the blessings that God has to offer our marriages and families. Remember, we have little ones who want to grow up to be like us, so we must be careful to model God's ways.
I know of two men who both grew up with a Mom who was very strong and wore the pants in the family, but had a seemingly great relationship with Dad. They married two sisters who both had submissive Mom's with servant hearts. Both the sisters have had to try and keep there families alive by working extra long hours, because both men know little or nothing about how to be the man of the family. One has not worked for many years and seems paralyzed in life waiting for someone to direct him.
There are often unseen consequences when we do things our own way without regard for God's clear instructions. Doing things God's ways often guarantees success in this life, and surely guarantees it in the next life.
Jilly · 597 weeks ago
Ant knows that where he leads I will follow because I know he listens to God! I think one of the hardest things to do is allow ourselves to follow our Hubby’s when he is make mistakes and it ends up costing us!
However we all make mistakes and if we hang in there and support them then it is well worth it in the end!
oxoxo