Friday, April 3, 2015

Missing the Love of My Life


Ken just got back from being away for well over two weeks. When my children were young, he'd be gone half the year for business. Now, he doesn't travel as much; he's rarely even gone for a whole week. I didn't miss him when he traveled when I was younger. Since he's traveled our whole married life, I don't miss him too much when he's gone for a few days. I stay busy at home and try to keep my mind off of it, but him being gone for over two weeks this time was VERY HARD! In fact, I felt like crying when I picked him up at the airport.

While he was gone, I had a dream. I was at a wedding. Some guy I couldn't see came up behind me and began slow dancing with me. My knees were weak and it felt SO good! We finally came to a stop and I felt guilty so I turned my head slightly and saw that it was Ken! I was SO happy so we continued dancing and it felt SO good! {Best dream EVER!} When I was waiting at the airport to pick him up yesterday, I texted my sisters that I couldn't WAIT  to slow dance with him!

When you miss someone like that, it almost hurts physically. Kara Tippetts went to be with Jesus last month. She was an amazing, godly woman. She loved and adored her husband. Everyone knew they were madly in love and still in that "honeymoon phase." On the way to the airport, I thought about her husband and how physically aching he must be for her; to hold her, kiss her and whisper in her ear. I can't even imagine the pain that he is going through. I also thought about military wives who have to live for months and sometimes years away from their husbands. I got a tiny taste how difficult that must be for them.

I'm glad I missed my husband deeply. It's the first time I really experienced it because I love him so much now. I teased him when he got into the car by telling him I'm glad I didn't like him when I was younger and he was gone for long periods at a time, because it hurts too much! I regret terribly that it took so many years for me to miss him this way. God's ways are so good. I've learned how to respect him, obey him, submit to him, please him, and enjoy him; all the things I used to not do. I was the one missing out and Ken did too.

If you're still married, dear readers, love your husband. Stop trying to do marriage your way and begin doing it God's beautiful way. His ways aren't to make your life unexciting, unfulfilling and boring. Just the opposite! The world's ways are empty promises. Getting our own way, quarreling and nagging, and all the other things many wives are good at, just don't work at all. If you want a close and intimate marriage, give up your will and ways and allow your husband to be the head and leader of the home. He WILL rise to the occasion, so the next time he leaves for awhile, you'll have romantic dreams about him and look forward to slow dancing with him when he gets home!

Scarcely had I left them when I found him whom my soul loves;
 I held on to him and would not let him go.
Song of Solomon 3:4

***I couldn't find ONE picture of us slow dancing at any of our children's weddings! However, I found this picture of Ken with our precious Cassi Lyn at her wedding.

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I hate it when my husband is gone. Thankfully he doesn't travel very much but I can never sleep when he's not home. If he's gone for a week (which hardly ever happens), I get really sad. It's hard for me to be away from him for very long. He's planning a hunting trip with his dad for later this fall and I'm glad he's got the opportunity to go but I'm going to miss him a LOT!
1 reply · active 521 weeks ago
I've learned to sleep great when Ken's gone, thankfully! Long ago, I realized that I am safe in the arms of the Lord. He is my greatest protector and He holds me beneath His everlasting arms. This was a great comfort to me and took away my fear.
My husband went on a mission trip to Romania years ago. I had the three small children home with me. I missed him so much that I could barely eat. He was gone 12 days and I lost 5 lbs without trying. I cried a lot and felt truly sick to my stomach that he was gone (and so far away at that). I surprised him at the airport when they got back...and while my parents kept the children I had a hotel waiting (as the airport was hours from our home)...and it was wonderful. But oh how I missed him. My heart was truly broken as we couldn't really phone one another either (although we were able to talk once). It really made me realize how much I want/need him....and to this day, from time to time I remind him that if he ever goes anyway far again, I'm going *with* him!!!! :)
1 reply · active 521 weeks ago
My daughter Cassi just called me and told me that her husband told her that the best part of his day was coming home to her! They can't stand to be apart from each other.
I have a hard time with allowing him to lead because his heart is not fully turned to God. I am the one doing the bible lessons with the kids and teaching and he is listening and watching un Godly things. We are unequally yoked and I understand the kids are sanctified through the Christian. So so hard to allow him to lead when it is not a Godly way, he says one thing(not in the bible) I say another. I pray my children will pick up on the good and not the bad, the Godly not the un Godly.
8 replies · active 521 weeks ago
The way that you treat your husband, Missy, will have a MUCH greater impact upon your children than the behavior of your husband. If you respect him, obey him, love him and please him, this will speak volumes of what love in action looks like to your children. God commands women to win their disobedient husband without a word by their godly behavior. You focus on the Lord and allow Him to change you into a godly help meet for your husband. If you try to change your husband, you will fail and your marriage will likely fail. If you allow God to change your husband and you work on changing yourself, you will be amazed at what God can accomplish in your marriage. Nothing works better than God's ways!
Thank you for your response. I had actually shared the post about Gods pattern for wives with my husband and I apologized for the ways I was reacting to him. The verse a gentle answer turns away wrath is so true. Also the one where we can tear down our home with our own hands. I know what you are saying is biblical and true and I thank you for guiding us women. I had one of your posts sent to me and I just sat and cried from the conviction of it..then like a thirsty woman I dug in to so many other posts and let the Holy Spirit do what he does best. I want to obey God and I also do not want to waste what he did on the cross for me. I want my life to be a living thank you.
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HappyHomemaker · 521 weeks ago

My husband isn't a believer YET. Before I read Created to be a Helpmeet by Debi Pearl, I would make excuses and say well the head of the household thing and submission thing doesn't apply to me because my husband isn't saved. Then it's like one day it dawned on me, God doesn't say that the husband is the head of the house and we are to submit AS LONG AS HE IS A BELIEVER, God says the husband is the head and I am to submit--period, there were no commas, no ifs, ONLY the husband is the head and I am to submit. Of course I justified it by saying well he does things I don't think he should, doesn't matter, I AM NOT his personal holy spirit, conviction is in God's hands and God's hands alone. I see so much of myself in what you are saying and so I know this will probably come across as harsh, but stop making excuses for why you can't be submissive and just do it. Yes, it is hard, especially when I thought I always knew best, but evidently I didn't know best because I wouldn't submit. Once I read the book, and all the Bible verses, I could finally see that I was wrong. Since then, things are so much better. Yes, I still struggle, and fail at submission sometimes, but I just have to repent and get back at it. I even had a preacher tell me one time that because my husband wasn't spiritual, that I should take the lead in that- and he was wrong too. If you haven't read that book I mentioned, it may help you. A warning though, it will be a very hard read, or at least for me it was. The first time I read it, I was upset and even kind of angry and thought- huh this lady is crazy, but it just kept on bothering me and finally I decided to try it. I re-read the book and tried to apply it to my life and trust me it worked wonders on my marriage. It's like I finally stopped fighting my husband and just started submitting and now much of my anxiety is gone as well. Sometimes, I even have to pull the book back out and re-read it because I notice I am getting less submissive and wanting to go back to old ways. I wish it was something that just came naturally to me, but unfortunately I am a bit of a control freak and I allow that to rear its ugly head at times.
Thank you for sharing, HappyHomemaker. Another great book is the one by Matthew Henry about having a meek and quiet spirit. This helped me SO much. I always recommend his book now along with Debi's amazing book! Meekness is not needing to be right, have my way, not getting offended, resting in God's will for my life, etc. It's a very powerful book.
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HappyHomemaker · 521 weeks ago

I looked it up on amazon and will be adding it to my list!
Thank you for the book recommend and your words. I am reading now "Surviving a spiritual mismatch in marriage" by Lee Strobel I tell you it is like the book was written to me. I have been that woman sitting in Bible study wishing my husband would be as spiritual as so and so. Wishing that he would step up and HIM be the one to do Bible time and guide our Children to God. The truth though is that I need to cry out to God and keep praying and bringing my husband to him. This is the same guy that met Saul on the road..he will meet my husband where he is..I believe that. In the meantime I need to watch myself and my reactions. In Genesis it says "the woman will want to rule over man, but will never" After the fall it is part of our flesh now to WANT to lead, especially when we justify it with Godliness and that our children need this or that. I pray that I will be strong and be that woman, it is so hard. I will pray for you as well, we are not perfect(why we needed Jesus) but the next time Satan tries to push us in the wrong direction...we will be ready with truth.
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HappyHomemaker · 521 weeks ago

I know it's not easy, and I sometimes get to thinking that maybe I am wrong in my way of thinking, especially since it has been years, and maybe I do need to be fussing at him for doing ..... you know whatever it is at the time that I find wrong :). But I decided I just have to trust in God for my husband's salvation.I can tell you, I really believe my submission has softened his heart. God's ways truly are the best ways, even though at times it can be hard. That's why Lori's blog is so refreshing to me, you see I know the truth because I have read it in my Bible, but my flesh sometimes wants to ignore that. Being able to read this blog reminds me of the kind of wife I am supposed to be. And honestly, if were possible, I feel like I love my husband even more since I have working at submitting, that sounds crazy right?
We can say we both know that is not what God wants, but I do believe and trust God and his timing. Sometimes we want to rush ahead but he has promised in his word "He will cause everything to work together for those who love him" The saddest part is we KNOW how it feels to be in fellowship with God and we cannot understand why ANYONE would be dragging their feet or turning away. I think you love more by obeying because God is love and he said you must FIRST love God with all your heart soul and mind and THEN love your neighbor as yourself. You see when we are loving God that way, loving our husbands when they are sometimes unlovalble makes it easy. There is a book(I actually did the bible study and it is amazing) It is "Power of a Praying Wife" By Stormie
It has prayers for the week and is really great. I will tell you though that it is a work in progress. As you can see by me having a hard time. Satan wants to rile us up and I know he will use our passions to do it. We need to keep close to God and keep eachother accountable in our walks. We cannot do it..we are too weak..but God..well HE CAN! "We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us"

It has been so great chatting with you. Keep going Sister, you are doing great!
My husband is arriving home tonight, after 27 days away. I have missed him something fierce! I am absolutely GIDDY with anticipation. Cannot wait to kiss him!
1 reply · active 521 weeks ago
Thankfully with us, Christine, absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder!
I've been blessed to spend every night together of my almost 28 years of marriage to my husband except for two nights when his mother was dying and our four children were babies and when I've been in the hospital giving birth. A couple months ago, I flew a few states away to drive one of our eldest's vehicles back to our area. (He is in the military, was being transferred overseas, and his wife was almost eight months pregnant.) I was so excited to be going on an adventure as I love to travel. My husband? He was not looking forward at all to having his wife gone for two nights, but was willing to allow me to do this for our son's little family. While I enjoyed the trip, seeing my son and daughter-in-law, and driving back (I am one of those odd people who love to drive the interstate.), those were the longest and loneliest two nights I have ever spent. Even on the drive back, I would see something interesting which would normally bring me joy but instead brought a twinge of pain to my heart. He wasn't there to share it with me! The first thing I did when I got back??? Walked right in to my husband's auto body shop and hugged and kissed him like nobody's business.... I know he was embarrassed, but he kissed and hugged me right back!
1 reply · active 521 weeks ago
What a wonderful testimony of the love you showed towards your husband to all those who witnessed! I bet every guy who witnessed that wished their wives kissed them that way!
I missed you too babes! but not much time to think about being gone with 13 hour days, 15 days in a row running around Europe lecturing and consulting. It's much more fun to be home with walks on the beach and my big salads every night :).

Love you lots and I hope your headaches and stomach aches get back to where they were much better when I left you. You have become the wife of my dreams and I appreciate your willingness to accept change and do things God's ways. We sure have fun together now and the past 12 years. May the Lord keep blessing your terrific ministry as He gives us another 34 years together!

Although our story does not fit every relationship, it certainly can help to heal many marriages as your message is clear and Biblical truth. If you want to receive all of God's blessings in a marriage, then you must begin to do things God's ways with His Spirit taking the lead. To become like Jesus who gives His life away so that we might find true life, abundant and free.
Thankfully my husband doesn't go out of town very often. It's been about a year since he last went out of town for a training class. He will be leaving in 2 weeks to go to another training class. I am so sad when he has to leave and I hug him tight, cry a little and don't want to let him go. We have been married almost 27 years and are very rarely apart. The entire week he is gone I am sad and don't feel like myself. He hates being away too. After classes, he eats dinner by himself and then goes back to the hotel and spends the evening talking to me on the phone. I am teary eyed right now just thinking about when he has to leave. Thank You for your blog Lori. You are such an inspiration to me and I can't wait to pull up your blog each day to see what you have to say.
That was a lovely post. My husband and I have never danced together ever in thirteen years. I used to ask him, but I've learned to stop asking. We weren't allowed to dance at our wedding (my parents were diehard anti-dancing and they called the shots for the reception). I have to admit that on the occasions when he's gone for a week or so (which is rare) I don't miss him at all. I feel kind of relieved. He doesn't love me anymore, and I've about broken my neck working on all the stuff in all the books. I have compromised my health (sleep mostly) and a lot of the things I need to do with the kids (we homeschool) in order to cater to everything he likes. He finally asked me one day to leave the bedroom because I rolled too much and it disturbed his sleep when the bed moved, so I went out to the living room sofa, which was hard at first, but I would just get a stack of books and read until I fell asleep on the sofa. Now I sleep great there without the aid of reading. First off I was practically clawing at anything I could get hold of to "get it back", but now I'm at peace. I have more time to spend with the children, being out on the sofa gets me more sleep and I started focusing on more things that I could do that brought me joy. The most difficult thing is when I start wanting a marriage relationship again and THAT is what is hard....I always end up trying to connect and later wishing I hadn't. *sigh* He gets very angry when I try. So when I want to connect, I go for a good run or do another type of workout, which makes me feel a LOT better. I'm so happy you all have such happy marriages.....it's taken me a long time to be able to observe happily married people or read about them without struggling against jealousy. I think I'm over that now.
3 replies · active 520 weeks ago
I had read every marriage book out there also that I could get my hands on but nothing helped until I read "Created to be His Help Meet." The other book I highly recommend is "A Discourse on Meekness and Quietness of Spirit" by Matthew Henry. {You can get that one on kindle for 99 cents.} I encourage you to read both of these books with an open heart and see if may help you a lot also.
I read "Created" as one of the first I read, and I think that got me in the worst situation, frankly. He ate it up, and I was a drained, exhausted mess "doing" it all. I still have the book and read it from time to time, but my husband took full advantage of it and before a month was up I was exhausted. I can't go down that road again anytime soon. Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood is a lot more realistic, although Debi Pearl is spot on about learning how to do manly type chores -- the part where I disagree with Helen Andelin. I can repair most normal things in the house myself, with a few exceptions.

My husband, I might add, is AMAZINGLY talented....he can fix anything, make anything and grow anything (he could grow a tomato out of garden filled with cement, I am convinced). He repairs every vehicle we have ever owned, and he's not a mechanic by trade; just purchases the Hanes manual and reads it until he's got it down. His Mom was a superb cook; his ideal job would be to own and operate a restaurant. He taught me how to cook -- and I still don't measure up, so on weekends he does it because he doesn't think I can do a good enough job. To which I finally learned to say, oh well. (I homeschool six different grade levels right now with classical education and we school for a long time each day -- our lunch hour is long because I'm usually so out of it! :-) He wanted me to homeschool, by the way; I was a homeschool graduate, but I do not believe it is the one and only way for every child. He was schooled at private and public schools, and believes homeschooling is the only way. So, we homeschool everybody.

I'll consider the other book you mentioned, but I have to honestly say I really don't care anymore. I worked my way through the jealously part, and then worked my way through most of the "I want a marriage relationship" part, and now I'm at the "I'm at peace" part. As a matter of fact, I sort of like it that way....makes life a lot easier.....but I'll think about it.
Thank you for sharing. We all must remember that our goal in life isn't to be happy with our situations and circumstances that we find ourselves in but to glorify the Lord, being salt and light to those around us. It sounds like you keep very busy ministering to your children and taking care of your home. When women come to me in difficult marriages and they do have a meek and quiet spirit, submit to and obey their husbands, etc. {all that the Bible commands that women do} and their marriage still is not good, I encourage them to continue walking in the Spirit in obedience to the Lord. We aren't accountable for our husband's behavior, just our own. The Lord will bless you. It may not be the way that you want, but He does promise that we reap what we sow. Your husband does have many great qualities, however! Dwell upon those things and may the Lord continue to give you peace.
Hi Lori, I read the discourse. It's almost word for word what I was admonished to read years ago.....I am really not in love with my husband anymore except for what my obligation is to desire his eternal salvation; I really am not looking for any restoration anymore. It was not a good place to be. But I wanted to tell you that I appreciated your suggestions and wish you all the best. I am very happy for you and for all the ladies here. But I'm ready to move on pretty much, although I'll always be faithful to my vows and never leave, but I'm going to find my happiness in my children and doing what God wants me to do, fill my day with as many creative and church activities always with other women. God has given me so many consolations and has shown me I don't need my husband's love or my parents' love to live a life of great abundance. I'm happy.

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