Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Rebellious Children


An instruction to elders in I Timothy 3:4,5 is that He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity. But if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God? 

Therefore, we must assume that parents can raise children that are not rebellious {walked away from God}.  I had many comments on my post Protecting Your Children that seemed to indicate that children will rebel whether they have boundaries or not.  It is by God's grace if children don't rebel they say.  I ask, "Where is God's grace then for children who do rebel?"

The Pearls raised five children who were not rebellious and they all walk with Jesus.  We raised four children who all walk with Jesus.  The Duggers seem to be raising 19 children with gentle spirits that walk with Jesus.  I could name many friends and families who have raised children who walk with Jesus.  Yes, the children have done some stupid things, but they have never walked away from God.
 
My question ~ I would love to hear from you who have raised children who didn't rebel and ask you what you think you did right that kept your children from rebelling.  Those that have one or more rebellious children, I want to ask you what you think you may have done or didn't do that caused the rebellion.  I think hindsight is a great tool in reevaluating one's life.

The things I felt we did right in raising children are as follows ~

My children knew who was boss at a very young age and it wasn't them.

They learned to obey us quickly or they knew they would be disciplined.

We disciplined them consistently, so they grew up to be disciplined.

We loved them a lot and they knew it.

We talked to them openly about everything, including God and what He expects.

We set boundaries for them and expected them to live within those boundaries.

Maybe we were lucky...Scripture seems to put a lot of weight on the parent's shoulders, however, in raising children.  My purpose in this post isn't to make any one feel guilty or bad about the way they parented their children.  Most parents love their children and do the best they can while raising them, but many aren't taught what good parenting looks like.

So what do you think?  Do parents have a big responsibility if their children rebel or do children rebel regardless of how they are raised?  Can we parents, who have raised children into adulthood that didn't rebel, give hope to young parents that they, too, can raise children who don't rebel?  If the Bible requires elders to raise children that are not rebellious, can't we?

Comments (21)

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I have learned that Godly parents have children who rebel - sometimes I think that God gave us those children because we have the strength and courage to fight for them, a faith and hope fight. I'm getting ready to do a series on the bad boys of the bible in January - because I think that it is important that we each pursue these rebels, like God pursues them - as a matter of fact, some of them have been his favorites.

I do know that kids diagnosed with things like dyslexia or CAPD spend years breaking cycles of dysfunction. I know that in Psalm 139 God placed everything in each of my children and He knows how to redeem them because He knew what they would struggle with.

God too often shows us some will rebel - and He rejoices in their return.

Even vigilant parents experience rebellion. And, it is important to be vigilant, to be aware of the possibility that even children raised in a Godly, loving, faith-filled house can have children who mis-step - and that is where shepherding comes in, vigilant shepherding, vigilant intercession.

Not shunning these rebel teens and youth in the Christian community would do much to bring them closer to the Father - Jesus didn't shun the sinners. He died for them:)

Way to tackle a touch, dicey topic!
I was one of those rebellious children in my teenage years and early 20's. My Father was not the godly example for us that he portrayed to the outside world, and my Mother was trying her hardest to deal with two teens who were both rebellious. I had Bipolar Disorder and my brother had anger issues which I imagine made things a lot worse.

I have learned a lot from both of my parent's parenting styles, and I choose to have the love and kindness and gentle heart of my mother. She prayed for us constantly and did what she felt was best. I do know, however, that we had way to much freedom while growing up, and discipline in our teen years was not enforced as we both would often times sneak out.

I guess what I am trying to say is for different reasons rebellion does happen. I certainly hold the reins tighter for my son than my parents did for me. If he wants freedoms, he is going to have to earn them and show me he is responsible and mature enough for them.
I believe that the promise "Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old he will not depart from it" is a promise to all parents. I have seen many kids walk in rebellion, sometimes for years, but God brings them back and uses them for His glory.

Parents should have a strong sense that they can raise their children in the Lord and have the kids walk faithfully with Him all of their lives. But each child, like Solomon and Samson, may decide to go with the allure of the world. A few poor choices can send a teenager headlong into worldly things, and psychological and chemical issues often throws them off of a godly path.

Kids raised by godly parents can and do walk away from Jesus because they have the choice. Most will stay in the faith, some will leave and return, but a few will walk away because they can. "Choose you this day whom you will serve" must be an individual choice, not one made by the parents, and it must be a daily choice "to believe to the end."

The greatest gifts parents can give to their children are unconditional love, consistent discipline and an authentic example of walking with Jesus. Very few kids will walk away from a set of parents who can give these gifts along with “training them in the way they should go.” Training means talking regularly to our children about Jesus and showing them how He is the very center of our existence.
1 reply · active 691 weeks ago
I agree with the last paragraph completely. My oldest son, who was very close to his father, has struggled since the day his dad walked out on us.
My son at the age of 16, left home to live with his dad. This in many minds would constitute a "rebellious child".
Just this Christmas he came 'home' for a few hours and it was so good to see that my 'unconditional love, consistent discipline and ...authentic example of walking with Jesus' has not all been a waste. Right now he continues to live a life farther from God than I would choose for him, but he also has a knowledge and thirst for the unconditional love of his heavenly Father and earthly mother that I am absolutely positive will bring him into an amazingly close father/son relationship with his Eternal Father and isn't that the most important relationship of all.
For those of you out there like myself, I encourage you to continue living out the last paragraph of 'greatest gifts' and we will reap a harvest of our wayward children's souls for eternity.
What exactly constitutes 'rebellious' in children? Those who are strong-willed and know their own likes, dislikes and make decisions for themselves that they then take responsibility for? Or just those who go against their parents wishes? Who are we to decide what is 'rebellious' and what is not? Does each one actually know for sure what is in another's heart? Isn't that between the child and the Father?
Just sayin'
1 reply · active 691 weeks ago
Lori said in her post that rebellion means not walking with God. It's usually pretty easy to tell if a teannager is walking with God or not, or at least it should be easy to tell if they are letting their light shine.
I am a young mother. I have two kids that are 1 1/2 and one on the way, so my husband and I don't have a lot of wisdom on this yet.

We are, however, trying to be wise as we start this parenting jorney. We have read a lot of book, decided how we are going to disciplines, and we have followed through with that so far. Our two children know to listen when we say, "No" and they are already obedient. We have trained them to sit with us quitely in church for over a hour.

We have discussed how the goal for our children is to follow God, and we plan to make every parenting decision around that. I agree with you, that it is not just luck if your children rebel. Yes, children have to individually make the decision to follow God, but that doesn't mean parents don't have a HUGE responsibility.
http://momanswerswithbrit.com/?p=546
3 replies · active 691 weeks ago
I know several large families with 5-9 children who are all walking with God. It's naive to say that they were "lucky." My husband and I have observed these families to try to learn what they did right. Throughout the families we know we have consistently seen... parents on the same page, parents living out their faith in front of their children, family devotions/worshipping together, homeschooled, consistent disciplining, boundaries/sheltering and so much more.

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road,when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.” –Deuteronomy 6:5-9 NIV
Well, all three of my sons were raised in the church, I raised them by myself, lived my faith in front of my children, disciplined them, set boundaries, did everything that I could but one of my children who is now 24 has struggled with drug addiction, the oldest struggles with a gambling addiction, the youngest has his own issues, I guess I was one of the "unlucky" ones and the formula didn't work too well for me.
Just keep praying! It is never too late for them to come back to the faith they were taught. Never give up.
I personally think the scripture in Timothy refers to the children that are living at home. Parents have much control with their kids when they're the boss but when they reach adult hood they are a sinner out on their own. Even if saved they will make mistakes. We're all rebellious when you get down to it. Of course I'm terribly concerned that my children will accept Christ as Savior at the earliest possible age, hopefully my husband and my examples will create a desire in their heart to live the life we do.
There's always a tension between my responsibility and God's sovereignty. I am responsible to raise my children as unto the Lord, but at the same time I have to recognize that God doesn't really need me to be God! It is my privilege and my duty to raise them for Him, but if my ability is what leads them to the Lord then they don't really need Jesus, do they? I, like many Christian parents, took my responsibilities seriously but my children still needed to own their own faith. I think of it as Jacob wrestling for his blessing from God. And I got a lot of things wrong, including mistaking a child's learning disability for laziness and rebellion. The good news is that even in my failures, I can cling to Christ and ask for forgiveness--of Him and of my children. And then I get the privilege of living the reality of the gospel for them. I teach them that when they fail, and they will, God's promises of forgiveness and grace are real.
How would people feel if their children tried out new religions when they were teens? When I went away to college, I took a world religions course and loved it so much, that I explored some religions that were very different than the religion I was raised in. My parents supported my exploration.

I think that kids rebell in different ways. I know when I was in my teens, I broke curfew, dated boys that made my parents cringe, etc. But the one consistant in my life, is my parents love and support. They gave me some freedom to make mistakes. If they were too strict, I think I would have rebelled even more. As an adult, I am very close to my parents.
I believe that along with consistency and discipline (which should be tailored individually to each child, as they will each have their own personality which renders them more responsive to different types of discipline - not every child responds well to 'the rod') an important aspect of parenting as a Christian is GRACE. My father was harsh and unforgiving in his criticism of any less-than-godly behavior in my sister and myself and as a result there was a lack of trust and respect, a lack of communication, and eventual rebellion from both of us. What ended up keeping me in line was occasional communication with my grandparents, who told me that they couldn't stop telling their friends about their granddaughter who was just on fire for the Lord - my shame as I realized that I wasn't living up to those standards brought me back much faster than any lecture or criticism. They rejoiced in my success and when I failed, I felt the responsibility for my own faith much more after I realized that I had standards.
I have to very Godly parents who did all those things you listed, I rebelled and left home - they were very good parents who followed the word of God. I have cousins brought up just like me and they also rebelled whilst other cousins and my brothers did not rebel. Why did some us rebel and others didn't, I don't know. I know why I did as I mentioned in a previous post. But in the end I returned to the Lord, it took a while and the road was rough - but I am a stronger Christian as a result. Perhaps I was that lost lamb that Jesus when searching for and found.

I was fed up with being SO DIFFERENT to everyone else - it really was that simple. As Open Brethren we didn't attend a church we had our own family meeting so I had little contact with people who were not related to me (I did attend a Christian school but didn't socialise much with them after school) - how was I ever going to find a husband if all the males were related to me. It looked bleak.
God is the best father ever. Even Adam rebelled. If the Ultimate Father raised a rebel, there is enough grace for the rest of us. I have two teens, a Kindergartener and a preschooler. My parents did not set the best example for me and I fall short...Often. I do the best I can each day always reaching higher... At the end of the day though taking the all of the blame for my children's rebellion is akin to taking the credit for their achievements. It would seem a bit odd if we did that, right?
1 reply · active 691 weeks ago
I have heard people say that if Adam rebelled against God, how can we expect our children to not rebel? I am not sure that is a good argument. When I speak about rebellion, I speak about walking away from God, not sinning because we will all sin. I don't think Adam walked away from God. Yes, he sinned but I don't consider sin rebellion in the way I am using the word. Just my thoughts.
God does not have grandchildren. Assuming rebellion means walking away from God and rejecting salvation through Jesus' work on the cross, we as parents cannot force our children not to rebel and to have a life-long heart for Jesus. God took the risk of the pain of watching his children rebel when he created us, and we have that same risk relative to the children he gives us.

It is a bit of the spiritual nature vs. nurture dilema. Every human being is born with a sinful rebellious nature (see Romans chapters 1 - 3). We know that as parents we have the responsibilty to teach them the ways of God (Proverbs, Ephesians 6, Timothy, and many other reference). But the righteousness of an individual is much more attributable to the work of the Holy Spirit in their life than to the influence of their parents. And the choice to invite the Holy Spirit in cannot be made for you, so your openness to being influenced by the Holy Spirit is purely an individual choice, not a parental choice.

If, however rebellion is defined as sin even in the presence of true faith, well, I refer to Romans 1 - 3 again, and say we are all raising rebellious children.
By the way, I think your thoughtful post about this issue is great. We all need to think of these things as we go through life - both as parents and as children. How to be righteous in God's eyes is always a good question to ponder.
Marie-Louise's avatar

Marie-Louise · 691 weeks ago

I want to recomend the following books:

'Pursuit of Godly Seed' by Denny Kenaston http://www.homefirespub.com/pursuit_of_godly_seed...

and

'Shepherding a childs' heart' by Tedd Tripp
I am hoping, too, that we don't give the idea that respectful and kind, loving and godly young people are impossible to have. I would have never have desired children if that was what I thought. I agree with (and we did) all those things you did. Lori, This is timely for the young couples today. Excellent post!

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