Monday, December 5, 2011

Stay At Home Dads


Many young women pursue higher education and careers in today's culture. They find a good paying job, then finally get married. Sometimes, however, the man they married doesn't have as good of a job as she has so they decide that he will stay home with the children so they can have more money with the wife working. 

Mark Driscoll was a well-known pastor for a long time. (Yes, I know he was controversial but this isn't part of the post and he taught many good things. I hate to hear of any Bible-believing church falling apart.) I loved some of his sermon series. I listened to his sermons on Songs of Solomon and after the sermons he would answer questions from the audience.


One question he was asked was what he thoughts about stay at home dads.  He immediately quoted I Timothy 5:8 ~

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

He believes there should even be church discipline for any able bodied man who does not work hard and provide for their families, unless they are injured or ill. Here are some quotes from that sermon.

We live in a perverted and stupid culture: hook up, shack up, and break up. Men that act like boys. Do not be conformed to this world! If you aren't providing for your family, you are not a man. Live simply if you have to and do not worry about the status quo.

Moms at home and dads providing for their families produce healthy kids and enduring marriages. The man should be lovingly leading his family, providing and protecting, while the women helps him and is his mate right alongside him. They are equal bearers of God who are different with different roles and tasks.

She is primarily responsible for the home. This safeguards marriages against divorce and is best for children. Women are nurturers and are more keenly aware of their children's needs.

The home must be established according to biblical principles. Nothing in scripture says women should work outside of the home and men stay at home. You need to go to the culture and find worldly wisdom and examples and then try to sanctify women working while men stay at home.

Moms do best at raising their own children.

He then said he couldn't imagine one of their sons going in flip flops to some day care and spending the entire day there. Gracie, his wife, became teary-eyed when he said this. Mark closed in prayer thanking the Lord for his incredible help meet and mother to his children. It was very touching. (I am not sure the series is available anymore.)

We told our sons as they were growing up to prepare to be the only provider for their family even if this meant bagging groceries and finding any other job they could find. Ken helped guide them to get the education they needed to have good jobs and they both do, praise the Lord.

In all toil there is profit, 
but mere talk tends only to poverty.
Proverbs 14:23

Comments (46)

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I know a couple of men who are at home caring for their children whilst their wives work. They are wonderful dads and I think they have courage to go against the norm. Neither dad plan to make this a full time job, but in the short term they are doing an excellent job. One Christian dad has a little girl of 3 and she adores her dad and having him at home, I love reading his updates on how she is progressing and what they have been up to. Lucy is one happy bubbly child. I doubt she will be damaged as a result of dad taking up this role for a couple of years.

I think we should ignore the culture around us (the world) and do what is best for our families (through prayer) and for Lucy’s family this is working very well for them.
Real men don't care what Mark Driscoll or anyone else says! If being a stay at home dad is what works best for his family it shouldn't matter what others say. Real men can be just as nurturing as woman. My husband works, but he also volunteers at our girl's girl scout events. He kisses their boo boos just as good as me. I know many stay at home dads. Their kids are wonderful happy children. The latest census data shows men who are stay at home dads has gone up 40% since 2003. Those dads work just as hard as stay at home moms and deserve our respect.
New reader's avatar

New reader · 694 weeks ago

Interesting. I bet the individual wouldn't dare say that SAHMs go to daycare in flip flops and spend the entire day there. He would immediately be called out for belittling the role and responsibilities of a mother in the home.

There should be equal weight given to, and equal respect for, the roles of breadwinner and caretaker, regardless of which parent does which role.
Yes! Absolutely! Men need to provide for their families. They need to stop being deadbeats and uninvolved with their children.

But they don't need to earn income.

I have been an at-home dad for 9 years and I provide plenty for my family.

I work harder caring for my children and household than I ever did when I earned money.

We are fortunate that my wife makes a good enough income to provide the food, shelter, clothing, etc we need. By not earning an income, we are able to have one of our children's parents home with them everyday to nurture them and take care of their needs. Why does it matter that the parent at home with our children is me, the dad, if our family is strong and secure?

The answer is, it doesn't matter. Men can be successful at home. Women can be successful at work. It isn't unnatural.

And, for us, it works very well.
2 replies · active 693 weeks ago
I understand that every family dynamic is different. But life shouldn't be based on what we "think" is best for our family. It should be based on God's Word. If it wasn't important to Him then he wouldn't or directed someone to write it in the Bible. If you say God's Word (all of it) doesn't apply in today's culture then you can't honestly say you believe the Bible.

I agree 100% with Lori. Not because she said it, but because it's Biblical!
1 reply · active 670 weeks ago
Yes Ginger,
The Bible has something to say about this subject and the norm is to have as many "stay at home Moms" as possible. It is not that Dads who stay at home cannot be fantastic at it, but God describes what is best for society and for the church in the Bible when Paul writes that wives are to be "keepers at home."

I would grant the detractors that some couples may seek the Spirit on this important issue and conclude that it is best for Dad to stay home with the kids and Mom to go off to work. What Driscol is dead set against is Dad's who will not do their part in providing for the family.

Many women do not even realize that they may be putting themselves at risk to work the rest of their lives when they become doctors and other professionals. I have seen far too many women in my profession who lament not having children, have too few children, or not being home to raise and enjoy their children because they can earn so much more than their husbands.

Some couples may actually think they are doing the right thing by having Mom work and Dad take care of the home, mainly because the wife can earn much more than the man. Some will discover that it was the right thing for their family, but I fear that many will find out too late that the Mom loses out far too much with the bank account full, but life is more empty with so many missing memories of really watching the kids grow up.

I speak from what I have seen repeatedly. Even this week a super successful doctor is running to catch the last few years of her daughters' lives at home. After careful reflection I can think of only one women client in all the years I have worked who did not indicate she would much rather have been home more, watching ballet, kids sports and even cleaning up the kids messes. It's compromise when a wife works.... and for some it may be worth it… but for what? More money?

So men, short term all things can work out pretty well, but long term the sacrifices of your wives and children are not worth the extra cash. We have begun to see what society looks like with lots of working Mom's and Dads... and it is a whole new era coming when many more Dad's stay at home. There is lots more to consider than just who is the best bread winner and who is the best homemaker to insure that the experiment does not end up with regrets. I prefer to take God’s perspective in His principles than to take the chance for regrets, but will leave room for those who are sure the Spirit is directing them to reverse roles.., instead of success, money or convenience.
Sorry the last comment was from Ken
Hi, I agree wholeheartedly with this Lori! While, of course, the Lord allows, and blesses in situations where the Dad HAS to stay home because of illness, job loss, etc....it is ALWAYS BEST if he is out in the workforce, working with his own hands to provide for his family. It is biblical and right. The mommy, while just as smart as daddy, who may even have her college degree, is wise to be at home for those babies to be loved nurtured and raised to love the Lord. Your posts are so good, and what an encouragement from the Lord to not fall into satan's and the world's knowledge of how things should be. We should be different, and should only seek the Lord for His wisdom. Blessings Lori, Kelly
Tracy Nault's avatar

Tracy Nault · 694 weeks ago

We need to stop taking our cues for "living" from society. We all have access to an instruction manual that tells us EXACTLY what our roles are. It's called the Bible and we need to start paying attention to what is in it instead of what the world tells us. I will be the first to admit that I still rebel against it (I try not to but sometimes I am weak) sometimes but , in the end, God's ways of doing things is just right...Mine (and the world)-not so much!
I'm unclear why a man who is providing full childcare for his own children can be conceived of as not providing for his family. He is providing direct care, and through his direct care, he provides a way for another adult in the family to be use their time as a wage earner.

Yes, women who work away from home often regret missing the small moments of childhood.

I'd hazard to guess that many loving fathers feel the same way about the moments they missed, the moments they sacrificed, while they sold their time to provide money for food and shelter.

The Biblical defense of this is shaky -- EITHER the Bible says all able-bodied people with male genitals must make every effort to be wage earners for their dependents, and that's-that for all time, in every culture and society... OR there is room for the Spirit to move in individual families. But it is NOT possible that the Spirit moves people to disobey the Word... So if it is possible to allow for Spirit-led flexibility on this issue, than the verse does not actually convey the simplistic/legalistic idea that wage earning is based on gender.

The meaning of the passage is that people who can earn in order to provide for those who depend on them, but choose not to while helpless dependents are suffering lack of basic necessities, are committing a grave act of injustice and un-love. In the first century this was directed at men alone, because women had no (moral*) means by which to contribute to family provision. That does not mean that the point of the verse only applies to men. It is unjust for ANYONE who can provide to allow their dependents to suffer. (*Note: she could engage in prostitution or sell herself into slavery. She could also produce things and engage in commerce as her husband's representative, earning money for him, with his consent.)

Since now women do have a morally acceptable way of contributing to family earning, we have no right to masquerade as helpless dependents (unless we are) and we are under similar obligation to earn, where possible, if doing so is necessary in order to provide basic necessities for people who truly depend on us (ie children).
Talking about women "masquerading as helpless dependents" is absolutely disgusting, and anti-family/woman in my opinion. I stay at home to nurture our 4 children and home school them, not because I am "helpless". I could go to work and make $60-90k per year... but if it's between starving my kids of time with me while being able to spoil them with material posessions or, teach them how to live a Godly life with true purpose from a devoted heart that is available to them 100% of the time and not run ragged by a full time, meaningless {in comparison} career, I am going to be a full-time mom! I did not have babies to have them be raised by daycare so I can feel fulfilled and not "helpless" at work outisde the home. My husband works hard and enjoys being relied on in that way, while I enjoy being relied on for all that I provide. In doing the work God has laid out for me, I find great power and great love, and I do not feel "helpless"... I'm pretty darn strong, able, and helpFUL, as a matter of fact, thank you very much.
1 reply · active 694 weeks ago
Lori has given us another God-inspired {if unpopular} view of Biblical truth. The roles of women and men are being diminished even by "Christians" - it's so sad! Feminism has its claws in deep, but the Word of God never comes back void. Hopefully one day soon women will return to valuing the role of wife, mother, and manager of the home - because it is a beautiful calling!
2 replies · active 694 weeks ago
AMEN, Jenny! I could not have stated it any better than you just did. Thank you.
Yet, if ALL Christian women return "home" there would be NO women doctors, nurses, lawyers etc. What a sad sad sad world that would be.
3 replies · active 692 weeks ago
This should never be a battle of any sort and I am always sadden when I see SAHMs and outside working mums fight. We don’t know other families stories, we don’t know how God is working in other families and it is not our place to judge others. People do not understand my family situation and therefore do not have a clue how God is providing for us. I trust in the Lord and if His decisions for me and my family are different to you then there is a very good reason that you may not understand. God does work in mysterious ways.

I live by the Word of God and I completely trust in what ever I am instructed to do. And just because a woman works outside the home does not mean she undervalues the role of mother and wife . . . yes it is a beautiful calling and I am both and I love it, just like you do, but we are just doing things differently.
4 replies · active 694 weeks ago
Feminism and the Bible can coexist. Period.
I don't know anything about Mark Driscoll but he's absolutely right when he brought out that clear scripture in I Timothy 5! Thank you so much for sharing!
The Bible teaches hard things. We cannot pick and choose what we choose to follow. Yes, we have a new covenant in Jesus Christ (just read that in Hebrews!) but the roles of men and women have stayed the same, even after Jesus made the new covenant valid upon His death.

I think feminism has crept in too far in the church and it's time to take a stand, as Mark Driscoll has, and really teach what the Bible says about household roles.
I do not always love the specific words that Mark Driscoll chooses to use on any given subject, but I agree with that scripture and your stance on the issue. It's one of those issues that most people don't want to talk about. Thank you for your Biblical encouragement!
Well, I have to say that I was the stay at home mom for all of my marriage, up until 4 years ago.... my husband was a very hard working man, even working odd jobs on the side to provide for us, his family. We have four children and one year I decided that I would go back to school, so once the children were all in school during the day, I could get a job so he wouldn't have to work so hard. It was only God that this worked out. After my graduation I got a full time job at an international company with wonderful benefits. Three months later my husband became very ill with Diabetes... to the point where he had to quit working in his field. At the time he had his own company, and he even had to be bought out of it because it was all just too much.

Now, he fishes for a living and I work full time outside of the home. He is able to be home with the kids in the afternoon, until I get home from work. I don't think he is any less of a man because of his being ill... I don't think he is lazy, or any such things. He still works hard to supplement our income, it's just that as of right now, I can provide more financially than he can.

I love my husband, and although our situation is not ideal.. it is what it is for the time being. I am praying for my husband to be healed of his conditions, but until he is... there is no way for me to stay at home unless we become dependant on welfare.
I find this to be horribly offensive, as my husband is disabled and unable to work. His self esteem is already low enough, I don't need some some-righteous jerk like Driscoll telling my husband he is less of a man because I work and he stays home with the kids. Would he rather my family starve? My husband does a great job with the children and I am very grateful that despite his disability he is able to care for our kids just as I would we're I home.

When Lori says something like "gotta love Mark Driscoll" that implies that she agrees with his stupid over generalization. My husband isn't committing a sin by taking care of our kids, he is supporting us the BEST WAY HE CAN right now. I understand what the bible says, but seriously? Use some common sense here, it can't work this way for every family and God surely knows that.
1 reply · active 694 weeks ago
To the people who are offended by this, It's God's word not Mark Driscoll's. why are you so angry about it? He did also say unless they are INJURED or ILL, so to the people who have husbands who are unable to in that sense quit being so angry.
Jenny,

I'm a full time mom too. It's not because I'm a "helpless" dependent -- it's because it is a good choice for my family right now. We share almost identical reasons for our choice.

Most stay-at-home parents are not "masquerading as helpless dependents". It is only a woman who would starve her children, leaving them unhoused and unclothed because she felt she was not Biblically permitted to earn a wage who would be "masquerading as a helpless dependent".

I'm sorry that I miscommunication at that point.

My point is that the Bible does not define ROLES -- though it often points out when and how people fall short of their responsibilities to one another, and gives instruction on how to fix that. Sometimes that instruction is given to one gender (based on the original situation) but that does not mean it applies in principle only to that gender. Providing for and ministering to a family is teamwork. Actual duties are quite flexible. This passage is about what it means to neglect the responsibility, not about which gender has which responsibilities.

Just because Mark Driscoll offers an interpretation of the Word of God, does not mean that his teaching actually IS the Word of God. As you can see, interpretations vary. It is very normal and very Christian to read one man's interpretation and say, "That's not an interpretation that I consider valid." It's odd when people start pulling out the "If you disagree with the teaching, you disagree with God" nonsense. All Christians are in the business of accepting some interpretations and rejecting others. There are not many cases when that is actually equivalent to disagreeing with God.
2 replies · active 694 weeks ago
What about dads that stay at home because they run a small business from their basement? I know several families like that.
Wow, so true!!! There was a time that I HAD to go to work full-time because my husband ended up laid off, and it was for about 2 years, then God blessed my husband with a wonderful full-time job, and I was able to come down to part-time. I'm still believing that God will be bringing me home full-time soon. God truly has called the man to be the "provider" of the home - it makes the man feel like a man, otherwise you belittle him. My husband did a great job while he was at home, but I know he struggled and it broke my heart that he felt "purposeless" - not that he was saying being at home with our son wasn't good, but he just wasn't fulfilling what God has called him to be. I feel the same way while I'm at work - because it's not the position God has called me, the mother and wife to be in. At some point, we as women, need to wake up and start submitting wholeheartedly to the Word of God! Now, I'm not against women working at all... for the Proverbs 31 Woman was the ultimate woman - homemaker, quilter, tradeswoman, skills woman, etc. She had every skill capable of running a business, a home, a daycare, etc. She did it all, plus MORE! God has crafted women with SKILLS to be the AWESOME helpmate our husbands need!!! :)

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