One of my friend's son died the other day. He was only 22 years old. He had a wonderful mother and father. He had wonderful siblings. He had a warm and loving home. The heartache must be unbearable. What is it with young men dying?
In my high school, all the kids who died were young men...motorcycle accidents, jeep accidents, drowning...When my children were in high school, a senior in high school dove into a pool and was paralyzed from the neck down several weeks before graduating. My nephew fell off a wave runner last summer and was almost paralyzed.
In the last few years, we know young men dying in car accidents, motorcycle accidents, getting run over by a train, committing suicide, and getting killed from doing a big jump on snow skis and landing wrong. These were bright, young men, good men....loved by their families and many friends. It's heartbreaking...
What do you say to a friend who has lost their child? How do you comfort them? I know God has them in the palm of His hand, but it hurts so much. The pain is unimaginable. God must work through all the family and friends who gather around those who are grieving. We are called to be His hands and feet.
I know the pain lasts for years...There must always be an emptiness...a scar.
Young men, be careful. I know you have a lot of testosterone running through your body, but your family and friends love you and want you to be around for a long time. I realize life happens and you have to live your life and you are young men, but for the sake of your moms, be careful...
There is hope, however, because Jesus has provided eternal life to all those who believe in Him. We shall see our loved ones face to face someday. We can comfort one another with those words and wait patiently for that glorious day.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4
Logging you in...
Carrie B · 693 weeks ago
Carla · 693 weeks ago
We ended up in a completely different church after my brother's death because our church "family" didn't know what to do so they did nothing. There were many couples who came to my parents who had also lost a child. They understood and were wonderful support just because they were proof that others have been through it and that God would get us through.
Lori Alexander 122p · 693 weeks ago
Joluise · 693 weeks ago
I wrote a paper on suicide recently— In Australia, 2132 deaths were reported as a result of suicide in 2009—six deaths per day—higher than transport accident deaths. Even though suicide deaths are relatively small (out of a total of 140 760 registered deaths), it is a leading cause of death, ranked 14th in 2009 but, more significantly, ranked 10th as a cause of death amongst males and the leading cause of deaths for males aged 15-19.
Sadly even though males success in dying, women attempt but fail. Approximately 179 people attempt to take their lives every day of every year just in my country—65% of these are women. They are also in urgent need of help. Those who attempt once, usually attempt again.
PS and tell our young men to drive careful, to many men are dying on our roads unnecessarily.
PJB · 693 weeks ago
Having been a bystander to this grief process twice, things that tend to help are...
(a) Helping those who are grieving to not feel ashamed of their emotionality -- to make your presence a safe place and as shelter, reminding them that their tears are welcome and nothing that they need to hide or apologize for.
(b) Being willing to share your own good memories of the person, and listening to story-telling from the grieving people.
(c) Visiting briefly and being mundanely useful -- doing dishes, bringing food, taking out trash, gardening.
(d) Pray. A lot... and listen in prayer for those things that God would nudge you to do.
(e) Remembering that the pain gets 'absorbed' into the normal life of those who are grieving, but it does not truly 'fade' much. This means that a caring friend remembers the deceased's birthday, the anniversary of the death, and the impact of the loss on holidays and celebrations for years and decades to come. A card or a hug on the appropriate day helps because it says 'someone other than me still remembers that my son was real'.
That's all I can offer, other than the commiseration with you, as a bystander to the tragedy, that I too know that feeling of desperate sympathetic helplessness... and it's no picnic either. I've prayed for you Lori (and for the family of the young man).
(If this was a suicide, another help you might offer could be your help in 're-framing' the incident in terms of a mental illness that turned out to be fatal, just like many physical illnesses become fatal. That can help relieve that specific terrible grief-plus-more that comes with suicide grief.)
Lori Alexander 122p · 693 weeks ago
Cindy · 693 weeks ago
Debbie Gilmore · 693 weeks ago
Nicole · 693 weeks ago
I was wondering if I could ask some advice, about a different kind of child lost. My 17 year old daughter has moved out and has decided to move five hours away with her dad. It's a very long, long story. I have been remarried for 10 years and have two children with my husband, ages 8 and 6. She told me today that she believes that I love Rick (my husband) more than her, and she does not feel loved or welcome in our home. I was curious what your response would be to a child who asked you if your love your husband more than your children.
Thanks!
Nicole
Lori Alexander 122p · 693 weeks ago
I would suggest that you explain to her that love is a commitment and you are committed to both of them but your first priority is to your husband. You are one flesh with him. You are called to serve, honor, and love him just as she is called to honor you. This can be a good teaching time to prepare her for her future husband. I am sure she is hurting and may be using this to try and cause a wedge between you and your husband. Continue to love her, be affectionate with her, and joyful around her. Your warmth for her will win her more than anything else. May God bless you and give you wisdom.
Nicole · 693 weeks ago
PJB · 693 weeks ago
She's asking to feel her mother's unconditional love -- it just sounds like a question <wink>.
I suggest you find good loving ways to express the unconditionality and graciousness of your love for her, in a way that her not-yet-adult mind and heart can 'get'. That means that her decisions about where to live (and with who) don't effect your love for her, and that your love for her is not based on her conduct or on your hopes for her, or on anything else about her or her life. Your love for her just "is".
If you focus on unconditionality, chances are she will begin to feel your relationship as more warm and your home as more welcoming.
It is likely that she is feeling less love because she is receiving less time, attention and focus from you -- regardless of having different kinds of love, it is absolutely true that each mother/wife only has 24 hours per day of time, attention and focus to share out among her family members. When you were sharing it only with her she DID get more -- and now that you are sharing it with 4 people, she gets less. And when she gets less than a full 25% (seen simplistically) she feels that the one that is getting more than that is more loved.
It's math -- and it makes sense if you see it from her eyes. To her it makes no sense for you to deny it has happened, or to claim that 'different kinds' of love can put more hours into a day.
It might also be that you seem to 'like him better' (which can be translated in to 'love him more'). Perhaps she hears when you are disappointed in her and don't approve of her, and want to change her -- but she hears nothing like that about your husband, so she thinks he is 'more to your liking' as he is, than she is as she is.
These things matter a lot in the teenage heart. I hope you are able to love your way through this!
Happygirl · 692 weeks ago
Kati · 692 weeks ago
brian · 692 weeks ago
paul L · 692 weeks ago
paul
imperfect prose · 692 weeks ago
Sarah Jane · 692 weeks ago
Every time I hear that a a child [or somebody younger than me] died, I am reminded that this world is not my home, that I need to walk after God today, that I need to be serving the LORD, etc. Ultimately, I'm reminded that this world is not my home.