Always Learning: Men Need To Be Right

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Men Need To Be Right

The source of most arguments is our need to be right. I will say something is blue and Ken will say it is gray. I will tell him, "No, it is blue." He will say, "No, it is gray." We will go back and forth and argue about it because we both want to be right.

I have learned something in my 31 years of being married. Men need to be right. I like to be right but men need to be right. I think God put that desire in them because He called them to be leaders of their homes. Besides, it is a prideful thing in me to always want to be right.

So what if it is blue and not gray. SO WHAT? Why do we make such a big deal about things. Next time you start getting into an argument with your husband, take a step back and see if it really matters that you are right. Start letting him be right and drop it. Tell him, "You're right."

This is why God created men to be the leaders. Two leaders never work. Two leaders would always be arguing and bickering trying to get their way. This is why most marriages are in turmoil. Most marriages have two leaders who always want to be right.

News flash. You're not the leader. I know I still struggle with this at times. I really like to be right and think I know more than Ken. But God told me that Ken is the leader whether he is right all the time or not and I am commanded to follow his leadership.

Having one leader makes for peace. Peace is a wonderful thing. A wonderful thing! Let your husband be the leader. Let him be right in the big as well as the little things. It won't kill you. It probably won't even hurt you. Stop arguing about stupid things. It is not productive in any way. It is counterproductive to building a happy, solid marriage.

Next time I say something is blue and Ken says it is gray, remind me to say, "You're right" and move on as I continue to hold his hand and walk joyfully onward.

For the husband is the head of the wife,

even as Christ is the head of the church:

and he is the saviour of the body.

Ephesians 5:23

Women Living Well, Wisdom Wednesday

Comments (38)

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Susan · 672 weeks ago

I need to be reminded of this! Thanks!

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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priscilla · 672 weeks ago

A honest alternative to "you're right" may be to say: "Honey, I respect your opinion on this. Let's just agree to disagree. It's not worth causing problems between us."

2 replies · active 672 weeks ago

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Sheila Payne · 672 weeks ago

Now that is a cute couple in that picture!!!!

This is such a good lesson. I had to do this just yesterday.

Another area that I have messed up in that I really had to change is not making my dad's opinion better than my husband's. My dad is SUPER HANDY. He can build a house. He can even rebuild a car. He is smart. My husband is not handy at all--especially compared to my dad. I have learned not to give my dad's solution to my husband unless he ask me to.

This was a great posting Lori. Keep them coming.

2 replies · active 672 weeks ago

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Holly · 672 weeks ago

My Husband and I have had long bickering conversations over the stupidest of things. This serves as a great reminder to let them win and let it go. Both my Husband and I have wills of iron...

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Jessica · 672 weeks ago

You know my husband and I had a conversation about this the other night. Here I was thinking I was doing such a great job at submission b/c if we can't agree on a major decision I let him have the final say, but he pointed out to me(in an extremely sweet and humble way, I might add!) that he would appreciate it if I would just say yes to him when he asks me to do something. He told me it makes him feel so respected when I don't argue with him about every little thing. It was an eye opening conversation, and this post sort of reconfirms what we were talking about!

2 replies · active 672 weeks ago

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Danielle B · 672 weeks ago

But Lori, is humility only reserved for women? Even Proverbs speaks of a prideful spirit. Pride goeth before a fall and a haughty spirit before a fall.

A great leader is a humble leader.

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Jennifer@GDWJ · 672 weeks ago

So many disagreements between men and women are simply not worth the fight. Moving on -- rather than picking fights -- is a sign of maturity and respect. God bless you in your marriage, Lori. Thanks for sharing.

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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GentlyLed 24p · 672 weeks ago

Lori, I need to read this one every day! At least until God changes my heart in this area! I'm a very precise person. I don't care if people correct me because I want to know what is right. My husband hates that I correct him -- even if I'm right. I've always thought he shouldn't have an ego about it, but I know you're right on this! Thank you (and my husband will thank you).

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Joluise · 672 weeks ago

Its all very well to always allow your husband to believe that he right all the time, however my husband is hopeless at map reading and gets lost but thinks he is right. This might be ok on occasions, but there are times I do need to tell him he is wrong. He has gradually accepted that he can't read maps and lets me drive. Men shouldn't go through life always believing they are correct when they aren't, there are points that they do need to be told the truth.

Out of interest -- if men think they are always right, do they think that women are always wrong?

2 replies · active 565 weeks ago

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Fran · 672 weeks ago

I love how you titled the post "Men Need To Be Right" instead of "Men Want To Be Right." I am not married yet, but my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. I have noticed that while my Dad is not one of those men who I would call a "right-fighter," he still has the need to be validated and respected as the leader of the family. Some people (like my mom and me) are more inclined to be confrontational, controlling, and "right-fighting" than others (like my laid-back, non-confrontational father). However, I think we as women do our husbands, fathers and brothers in Christ a disservice when we don't recognize that they have a God-given need to be respected as leaders, heads of households, and capable decision-makers. I have learned from my parents that whether or not my future husband is a natural "right-fighter," or a natural peace-maker, it is important that I respect him as the head of the household by backing his decisions.

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Jinger · 672 weeks ago

This attitude is actually the height of disrespect.

I respect my husband far too much to tell him he's right when he's actually wrong. I'm not going to patronize him as though he is a child who can't handle "big emotions" like disappointment at being wrong. When he is wrong, I confront him (and vice versa). After all, it is iron that sharpens iron.

I'm not advocating for being a harpy, but I don't think placating your husband is true respect. And any man who wants a "yes woman" is nothing more than a tantrum-ing little boy.

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Linda · 672 weeks ago

I agree with you, Lori, the it is important to choose your "battles" with everyone including your husband. I also agreed it is important to respect our husbands just like they should respect us. But I would be doing my husband a grave disservice if I didn't share my opinions on important matters with my husband. Remember iron sharpens iron. My husband can be quite prideful, but less so as God has worked on changing his character over the last 33 years we have been married. But sometimes, he can get things dead wrong and wifely submission does not mean that I shouldn't share my opinion. Where in scripture does it say a man "needs to be right." Maybe I missed it. Since my husband and I teach engaged couples marriage communication, I think I "need" to find out if my husband and I are teaching this important subject wrong to our students. Thanks.

4 replies · active 672 weeks ago

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Cynthia Swenson · 672 weeks ago

" Love covers a multitude of sins!" One of my favorite verses!

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Linda · 672 weeks ago

Perfect reminder for the week! Keep helping us be molded into the help meet that understand to honor her husband first!

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Jerri · 672 weeks ago

Great post! I do agree that guys have a need to be right. It is wise if they ask for input, but they need to be the leader and make the final decision.

1 reply · active 672 weeks ago

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Erin · 598 weeks ago

I can't believe that God would be cruel enough to make me strong and intelligent and then expect me to subjugate myself to someone less so because that someone is a man. I value humility as a strength, just as you seem to. But I agree with Danielle B. Both men and women should cultivate humility in their interactions with others.

I agree with the notion of asking yourself "Do I really NEED to be right? What will it cost me to keep fighting this fight? Is it worth it?" However, I think both men AND women should ask themselves this question in the course of an argument. Does a marriage have to be a dictatorship? A fight? A constant struggle? Can't we embrace a model of compromise and consensus?

I think the fact that men NEED to be right is not an innate trait of nature that we should accept (like baldness or crooked teeth), but an effect of nurture. I am always thinking about whether what I am saying MAY in fact be wrong, so if I fight for something, chances are I'm right. But our society does not prod men to question themselves the way that it encourages women to do so (constantly). And it does not expect men to be naturally empathetic, and as a result they don't exercise empathy and have a much more difficult time seeing things from someone else's perspective.

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