Is teaching your children to be emotionally pure during their teenage years harmful? According to this woman, she was very harmed through these teachings. I can understand some of her arguments but I think a lot more teenagers are hurt from going from one relationship to another throughout their teenage years.
Having many relationships at a young age easily leads to sexual promiscuity. The emotional purity teachings were to protect teenagers from this harm. Maybe it went too far but I think it is much better than the alternative.
My generation was a unique generation. My parent's generation didn't sleep around. My mom went on many dates where the boys didn't even try to kiss her after a date. None of them tried getting her in bed after a couple of dates. Men respected women and most knew sex was reserved for marriage.
My generation came after the sexual revolution. Our parents didn't know what was going on in my dating years. Almost all the guys wanted to make out during the dates and expected long make out sessions at the end of the date. My first date at sixteen years old ended with the guy almost getting in an accident driving me home because he was so angry I wouldn't have sex with him at the drive-in movie theater.
When I finally got a date with my dream boyfriend, he picked me up completely drunk and took me to a wild party. He then took me to a bedroom and I asked him to take me home.
My parents never knew this. They didn't know how different dating was for me as it had been for them. Dating in my generation meant sleeping around. I would have loved having boundaries that would have protected me.
So this young generation must understand where my generation is coming from when we began raising teenagers in regards to dating. We didn't want our children to have to experience what we did. We wanted to put boundaries around them that protected them.
Maybe we went too far. I don't know. I never taught my children emotional purity but I absolutely taught them sexual purity. I didn't want them to date in high school, only in groups. I didn't want them to be alone with members of the opposite sex when their hormones were raging and there was no way they could get married for several years.
When they were old enough to get married, we taught them to date only those they thought they could marry. So far, it has worked out great for them. One of them experienced a broken heart but lived through it and has a very healthy marriage.
I don't think there is any perfect formula except to teach them God's Word. He teaches us to flee sexual sin and to keep the marriage bed pure. He teaches us to honor our bodies and glorify Him with our bodies in everything we do.
Teach your children to love Him with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Teach them to pray for their future spouse and ask Him to direct them to that spouse that He has picked out for them. Our children are made in God's image and have the ability to exercise self-control. Their worth comes from who they are in Christ. Make sure they know this amazing truth.
Ask God for wisdom as you raise your teenagers in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. He will give you wisdom and it will be good.
Ask God for wisdom as you raise your teenagers in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord. He will give you wisdom and it will be good.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He shall direct your path.
misti · 669 weeks ago
Me and my husband are determined to teach our children differently.
Thank God for his word!!!
-blessings
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Susan · 669 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Danielle B · 669 weeks ago
My niece wanted a Barbie, and a baby doll...she hasn't played w/those in YEARS.
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Linda · 669 weeks ago
There are many things I'm grateful for the emotional shielding and sexual purity. My husband was my first kiss and i was 22 and needless to say all my firsts. That is something I hope he'll cheerish and my children will want to imitate.
But alot of what she said is so, so true and very, very damaging. It does cause shame, pride, skewed views on relationships, and trapped in formulas.
In my church, the formulas are very strict and enforced. Here is the formula: never date a guy or have a boyfriend. Serve in church and be good example. One day one godly man will notice you. He won't befriend you much (it's sinful, especially if he likes you.), he will ask your leader and pastor if you are any good, if the pastor likes the union he will give the guy his ok, the guy will ask you to marry him (sometimes without even having interacted much or even acquainted), you can't say yes, you have to tell him now you'll ask the pastor, you ask the pastor to find out if he oked it, you say yes and you have to get married in 6 months no less.
I was so convinced this was the "God" way I followed their instructions on everything. One leader told the pastors he was attracted to me and they forbade him to speak to me. Yes, speak! If he said hello, they would admonish him immediately and threaten his leadership.
I would avoid all guy contact and emotional attachment. It was my godly dutty to guard not only my heart but their hearts as well. Oh, and I would teach and guard my other sisters in the faith to do so as well, including my sister. I would be so over my sister if I considered a relationship with a guy inapropriate.
It all sounds good, doesn't it? It sounds like what every parent wants for their kids: complete purity, and self-enforced. My dad thought i was dumb for not dating and being so radical.
This is what it produced: shame if I felt anything for a guy. When I began having feelings for my now-husband, I felt so ashamed of the feelings and desires I was having I thought God was going to punish me and it moved me away from God. I even went 6 months without speaking to him in hopes that the feelings and the shame would go so I could enjoy God again. It caused pride because I was better than most teenagers that gave in to their youth desires instead of fleeing from them. It made me so selfrighteous I was sure this was the only way and others should follow to, and I made them follow too.
I had many friends who grew up with me with the same teachings and repressions. One of them wasn't allowed to have guy friends. Result: she left her home with the first boy that spoke to her in college. Did i mention he was a budhist? Another one was asked in marriage under the church protocol, eventhough she was too young. She is the youngest of our generation already divorced with her ex husband cheating on her. Another one, one of the most radical on this purity movement, our example and even teacher, ended up having an affair with a married leader in church who had just had a baby with his wife and just left my young friend pregnant. As for the boys in my generation, they are so awkward around girls some of them are reaching their 30's without social knowledge as to relate to women and still alone and single wishing they would be married.
the result in past generations in my church: many woman over their 30's are still being good examples and serviceable with no guys approaching them for their hands in marriage because they were so emotionally guarded they are unapproachable. Many older man still single because they are awkward around women and lack the social skills you develop under healthy male-female interaction.
The big danger: the rules are "God-given" and if you break them you are going against Him and His Word.
When the woman you speak of began saying all the teaching she had to undo in her life, I instantly related to her. I was convinced my husband wasn't the man for me because he was not following the churchs steps. I now see that all that formula is just a protocol. And it is not God-given anywhere in the Bible. No where does God says this is how you find your husband and you must do this and that. My husband is one of the best man I know. He fell head over heels for me and pursued me inspite of me.
It took him nearly three years for me to finally notice he truly loved me and was serious of spending his life with me. And he didn't follow a protocol because he didn't want to. And I was convinced that because it was not in the formula he was not the man for me. I thank God for whatever revelation and freedon and grace she showed me to escape the lies and marry the man I married.
I'm sorry. Long comment. But I believe we have to hold on to what is good and reject every kind of evil(1 the. 5:21). Parents must also be aware of the dangers they can cause their children with extremes God didn't impose at all,
A bit of my testimony.
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
marcia · 669 weeks ago
I had one major relationship in high school. We "dated" for two years but were only allowed to go out alone maybe five times during that time span. I had to be home no later than eleven, even on prom night. Every other time we spent together was with my parents. I wasn't allowed to go to his parent's house because "nice girls don't go to boy's houses".
I know my parents were only trying to protect me, but it had lasting effects on my emotional state and future relationships. I struggle with the need to have everyone's approval and validation.
I wish I had been taught my WORTH in Christ, instead of just a bunch of rules to follow, and if I broke them I was in serious danger of damnation or at the very least of being "spanked" by God. It was so ingrained in me that I still struggle with some of these issues even today.
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Yrena · 669 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Rebecca Levas · 669 weeks ago
Thank you for your transparency....it allows other women to be vulnerable and open. I say, "Amen and Amen" to all you have said. I am one of those women in the 60's who thought my worth was wrapped up in a boys affection.....which ultimately left me broken and barren. By God's beautiful grace, He blessed me with two adopted sons who I love and adore. It truley is God's "unmerited favor" in my life. Our sons have been best friends since they were four years old and now they are married at 27 years. We will continue to pray for them and believe that God will continue the " legacy of faith" that we have tried to instill in them as "moms". I am proud to call you my "friend"!!
Rebecca
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
A Little R & R · 669 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
I'm T · 669 weeks ago
Sexual purity, like any discipline, involves both a physical and a mental commitment.
The end?
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Megan E · 669 weeks ago
My kids are far off from that, at just 2, 4, and 6, so I don't have to worry about it just yet, but already my 4 year old son has a little girl in his Sunday school class who says that he is her boyfriend. Then he started saying it and I don't know the proper way to handle it. I don't want to make a huge deal about it, but I also don't want him to continue saying he's her boyfriend (he doesn't even know what it means).
Great advice, Lori, as usual. I hope you are feeling better!
Megan @ wwwsunshinethroughthewindows.blogspot.com
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Cynthia Swenson · 669 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Fran · 669 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 669 weeks ago
Judie · 669 weeks ago