Monday, February 18, 2013

They Never Argue!


My whole college gang reunited for a wedding in Pasadena this past weekend. It was the first time we have all been together for many years. My best friend, Sandy, was among the group.  I asked her if she ever argues with her husband. She looked at her husband, Peter, and said, "We have never argued! We discuss things but we don't argue."

She then told me that if they are discussing something and she feels that Peter is wrong, she just lets it go because she said it is no big deal to her. She doesn't insist on being understood or being right.

They have a wonderful marriage. They are very happy together. You can tell she respects him by her body language towards him. She smiles at him frequently. She looks into his eyes when he talks. She never interrupts him when he is speaking. She gives him honor.

Sandy is looking really good. I told Peter this and he told me Sandy takes care of herself.  he exercises a lot and doesn't eat too much. He told me there aren't too many hot 54 year old women around but he thinks she is one hot babe!

Sandy knows how to do marriage. She models it to anyone that watches. I had another college friend who told me not arguing just comes naturally to Sandy but not to her. I told her if I gave her a ton of money to stop arguing, she would stop. She told me that would give her the motivation she needed to not argue.

God's Word should give you the motivation to not argue. It tells us over and over again that arguing and strife should not have any part of us. We should be at peace with all men, including our husbands. I told her it took me awhile to stop arguing all the time. I had to bite my tongue a lot. She told me my tongue must have been quite bloody!

So I figure if Sandy and Peter can go their whole marriage without arguing so can I and so can you. Let your husband have the last word and be wrong. So what! You have pleased your husband, retained peace in your marriage, and pleased the Lord. Nothing is better than being at peace with others.

One's desire for one's rights must be put aside, with a recognition that the tearing apart of one's own house with one's bare hands is a ridiculous price to pay to win an argument. 
{Edith Schaeffer}

Take my 30 Day Challenge to stop arguing with your husband. 
It will change your marriage!!!

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies;
you know that they breed quarrels.
And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone...
2 Timothy 2:23,24

Here are 186 verses concerning strife.  Study and meditate upon them if you struggle with arguing with your husband and see how strife is far from the heart of God.

photo source

Comments (24)

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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this post. The Lord has been working on me with regard to being contentious, but I definitely have a ways to go. Right now, I'm inconsistent. I'm not argumentative on many days, but then throw in a lot of extra stress, a migraine prodrome, or monthly harmones and all bets are off. I try to bite my tongue in those instances, but sometimes I allow it to cause me to react without thinking of things like tone-of-voice, submission to my husband, etc. I've read "Created to be His Helpmeet," and I think it might be time to read it again.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
Yes, we need to be reminded constantly. This is why God commands we encourage one another daily because we forget so easily...
What a beautiful example. She is so right. Why insist on being right or understood. We usually don't even remember what the issue was that we were so upset about later anyway. Just as Edith says, is it really worth tearing down one's home over?
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
No, never! It is just difficult to see it when it is happening but practice makes perfect. :)
My husband and I have been married almost 3 years and have never had an argument. We developed a plan, before we were married, for settling disagreements without arguing. I blogged about it here: http://lindsays-logic.blogspot.com/2012/05/how-to...

So, yes, it is possible to avoid arguing. There are better ways of handling disagreements. We've done it right so far and we plan never to have an argument.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
Great post, Lindsay! Thank you for sharing. You are a very wise woman. No one wins in an argument.
As Lori's husband, I will add that one of the best memories I have in our relationship was when she came to me and told me that she was "never going to argue again." I laughed, and said, "Lori, I say white, you say black;. I say purple you say pink, we rarely agree on anything."

She promptly stuck out her hand to shake mine and repeated, "We will never argue again" and we shook on it.

Any real arguments have disappeared. If a discussion starts escalating, one or the both of us stops the discussion and moves on without the need to be right, or get our way. If one of us feels strongly about something, we bring it up again later at the right time, and overall, arguing has ceased in our marriage.

It is not easy at first, and there were a few times when Lori would argue with me because she was in that "I need to be right mood," and I would let it go... once, twice, and then say, "You know you have been arguing a bit lately."

Lori's eyes would get great big, and she would stick out her hand to me to shake, and say, "It will never happen again!" I would think to myself, of course it may happen again, but boy do I love this women for trying.

I do not care if it happens again... but I appreciate her strong desire and discipline to keep the peace in our relationship. It make's me love her even more thinking that she would do that for me... allow me to be right or wrong, just because she loves me and wants a great marriage.

Lori's willingness to bite her tongue and not argue makes me more sensitive to her needs and desires, and to her thoughts. She does not have to push to get what she needs, because what husband in his right mind doesn't want to please a wife who is trying so hard to please him.

There is a simple principle in life and relationships that says, "If you want something, give what you want away freely and it will return to you." Give away peace, and you will find peace. Give away love and you will find love. Give away affection and you will find affection. Give your life wholly to to God and find your life holy before Him.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
It's going on three weeks now without even a disagreement...;) Let's make it forever. I like it.
Thank you for this today - we have been dealing with a lot of stress, and have argued quite a bit. This has been very difficult on my nine-year-old, and I am ashamed to say that my husband's and my bad behavior is very scary to him, so this post came at exactly the right time.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
Arguing is very scary for children because they fear their parents may get divorced since they see it happening all around them. Children need peaceful home. The world is turbulent enough. {The parents enjoy a peaceful home also.}
She then told me that if they are discussing something and she feels that Peter is wrong, she just lets it go because she said it is no big deal to her. She doesn't insist on being understood or being right....You can tell she respects him by her body language towards him. She smiles at him frequently. She looks into his eyes when he talks. She never interrupts him when he is speaking. She gives him honor.

It is so hard for modern women to let things go. We are taught to value our individualism above all else; yet when we marry, we are to become one flesh with our husbands, so our individualism, our feeling that it is our right to be heard and understood, should be sublimated.

Thank you for the reminder about showing honor. I needed to be reminded of that today.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
You're welcome! We need to be reminded consistently about a lot of things since we forget so easily. Training ourselves in righteousness is easier when we have good role models and others encouraging us in the right direction. Your blog does that for me!
Lori, I really have learned so much from your blog. It has helped me so much to just learn to let go, not try to be the boss or be right. To just shut my mouth and move on. I think it's wrong how society teaches us to "never go to bed angry" and work things out constantly. That maybe true sometimes, but it seems like so many little issues could just be let go and looked past. If I let myself get uptight or annoyed at little things my husband does, I end up feeling poisoned and just "yucky" inside. If I let things go, I realize they simmer down quickly and we are all happier.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
You are so right, Tiffany. Life is not fun at all when Ken and I are in conflict and so enjoyable when we are at peace. You are blessed to be learning at such a young age. Your husband and children are blessed by it also.
It's taken a good number of years for me to get to this point in my marriage. But after 31 years I finally can say we don't argue. I've learned to love and let go! Life is so much sweeter now! Thanks for this post hopefully some newly married gal will take this advice and put it to good use!
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
Yes, I sure wish I had this advice as a newlywed...It would have spared my husband and me from much pain.
a happy life is a good motiviation not to argue as well! hubby and I don't really argue either. I think we have maybe once or twice in our 4 years (and counting) of marriage. disagree and discuss yes. argue. no. it's not worth it. it's not productive and it's not loving.
1 reply · active 631 weeks ago
That is wonderful, Paula! Life is much happier without conflict!
You're welcome. Keep working on it for practice makes perfect!
Thanks for the good reminders, Lori! Yes, peace is a wonderful thing!
It's definitely possible! I used to be the type who couldn't let things go - if I thought someone was wrong, it would bug the living hell out of me, quite literally when I think about it. I couldn't respect someone if I thought they believed something stupid and it would eat at me.

I wasn't a Christian then. I didn't have that anchor, so all these superficial opinions were what I clung to - and indeed, what most people cling to, Christian or not. Now I realise that I don't know everything (lol!) and although I can speak with conviction, that doesn't mean I will always be right, and I can accept that.

One divorce, several years of celibacy, and a conversion later, my man and I have not had a single argument in 18 months together. Given that both of us are divorced, opinionated, and difficult for others to deal with, this is too amazing to be something 'we' did. I still have my issues - chief among them feeling like I am not capable of a successful relationship - and am still learning to lean on God in those times, but in the meantime, I do know that low-conflict relationships/marriages are possible.
It is definately possible to have a great marriage without arguing. My husband and I don't argue; not to say we don't disagree. But then again, we're not the type of people who DO argue...which can be a dangerous thing. I hate confrontation, which is why I don't argue. I've had to learn that when I am angry with my husband, I need to actually talk to him about it. Pushing my feelings down and ignoring them is not good for me, or for our relationship. It's been hard for me to be vulnerable enough to talk to my husband when I am upset with him, or ask him what is wrong when I sense he is upset with me. Living in a marriage without arguements MUST be a marriage where open discussion takes place, otherwise, it can become a marriage of resentment.
What a refreshing post. Arguments are so draining and a waste of time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I hope you'll link this post up with Marriage Mondays on HWC! I know it will benefit more than just me.

Christy Joy
#happywivesclub

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