Always Learning: She Doesn't Want Children

Monday, February 4, 2013

She Doesn't Want Children

No, I am not writing about Erin. The Lord blessed her with this little sweetie on their honeymoon. They both agree she was their best wedding present of all. No one can out give God! Their second little gift from Him is coming in May and we can't wait. I am writing about another beautiful new bride.

She is young and happy in love. She loves her job. If she is unhappy at home, she becomes happy when she goes to work. Having children frightens her. She will have to give up so much and it seems boring and difficult to her being with children day in and day out.

God commands that we be fruitful and multiply. He tells us we are to be living sacrifices, denying ourselves and living for Him. He tells us children are a blessing and blessed is the man who has a quiverfull. He says the greatest of all is the servant of all.

Childbearing is obviously a big part of what we women were made for. We are even told in Scripture {I Timothy 2:15} that childbearing is part of our sanctification. Rejecting children is rejecting what God created us to do.

So many women I mentor tell me they are trying to find themselves after they become a wife and mother. I explain to them that it is in losing themselves that they find life. The ministry they have been given by God is to serve their husband and children.

When they realize what a high honor has been given them, their whole attitude changes and they become joyful and content realizing they are serving the King of Kings as they bear children and serve their families. This is what He wants from them.

God never commands women to have careers and make a mark in the world through working outside of the home. I am not, in any way, saying that women having a career is wrong. However, God speaks to us an awful lot about women being wives, mothers, and keepers at home. Oh, how happy I have seen these women become when they understand the importance of their ministry at home and raising up godly offspring.

I will therefore that the younger women marry,

bear children, guide the house,

give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.

I Timothy 5:14

Happy Birthday to my precious Emma!

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Susan · 633 weeks ago

I was her until my late 30s. After 15 years of marriage we had our first and only child 12 years ago. My entire life was fulfilled in an instant. We love her with every ounce of my being and I am saddened to think of all the blessings I may have missed out on. I was a lot from fear and insecurity. Society acts like this is the first generation to have children and to "know how" to raise them. My sole purpose since the say she was born was to raise a godly woman. At 12 she amazes me with her wisdom and knowledge of scripture.

1 reply · active 633 weeks ago

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LeeAnne · 633 weeks ago

Just sharing a bit. I'm one of those few women who never desired marriage and children. My attitude was, is simple: if God grants me marriage and children, that's great, if not, it's great, too. So, I got married in my mid thirties and God grants us our first son right on our honeymoon. I've been a career woman since graduating college, so I know nothing about raising a child. I cannot say that I enjoy waking up every hour every night to nurse a baby, but I can tell you that accepting the fact that "It is God's will for me to have a husband and a child to love, serve, help and care for" makes me embracing the role with all my heart and soul and physical ability. (Being a mom and also a wife is tiring, especially when you're not a particularly the robust type).

I consider that I have "found myself" already, is to be the woman God wants me to be. And it has many facets. A wife. A mother. A daughter, A career woman. A mentor. A sister. A friend. A helpmeet. I have a good career and still work from home during maternity leave on my laptop, about 2 hours a day, and so far so good. I embrace ALL the roles God has given me, and though I have to make choices here and there (I realized that I cannot put as much time and energy towards my career nor myself anymore after marriage and children, and that's OK), overall, it's in good balance. My rule is simple: God first, family second, me third, work fourth. If I cannot put family before work, the work has to go, but thankfully, so far so good. ^__^

Visit me:
LeeAnne, Style N Season http://stylenseason.blogspot.com

2 replies · active 633 weeks ago

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Joluise · 633 weeks ago

Should women who really don't like children and don't want any, have them regardless.

My husband isn't a baby person, even when we had our own, of course he loved them, he still wasn't a baby person and its only now when they are in their 20s can he relate to them as adults. I would never have forced him to have lots of children, he wouldn't have coped. Not everyone melts when they see a baby. its not that they are rejecting anything or being selfish, its just that they can't relate to babies/toddlers. For someone who loves babies, that might be hard to comprehend but its true.

11 replies · active 329 weeks ago

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Carla · 633 weeks ago

Love this!!! It is TRUTH,

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Shanna O'Donnell · 633 weeks ago

Thanks for your thoughts! I have a couple follow-up questions. One, do you read God's command to Adam and Eve as a universal mandate, equally applicable in all times and places? To me, it makes perfect sense for God to tell the first two people on the planet to be fruitful and multiply, but it doesn't stand as an absolute command to be applied irrespective of situation. If we take an absolute view of that supposed command, does that mean family planning of any kind constitutes disobedience? Should impoverished families keep having children, even if they can't provide for them? Not trying to be nitpicky...I'm just genuinely curious.

1 reply · active 633 weeks ago

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Shanna O'Donnell · 633 weeks ago

Second question: You say that "rejecting children is rejecting what God created us to do," and you quote 1 Timothy 5:16. However, the Bible also says "God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am." 1 Corinthians 7: 7-8) So, are women who remain single rejecting what God created them to do? What about women who long to be married, but never get asked? Women who long to be biological mothers, but can't? Has God not created them correctly? Good thought-provoking piece, but I just wondered if your conclusions allowed for other contingencies. Thanks!

2 replies · active 631 weeks ago

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Anna Mary · 633 weeks ago

Wow, how brave you are to tackle this topic! It seems to always ruffle feathers. I am a homemaker and am 3 weeks away from delivering our 8th child. I love being at home. With the decision to stay home and raise a family has come much criticism of me. I have been told that I must be depressed because who would want to stay home all day with kids (we are home schoolers). I have been told that I have low self esteem and hide behind my family life instead of going out and getting a real job. I have been told that I am only at home because my husband hasn't made me earn my keep yet. I have also been told that if I want to teach kids I should of just finished my teaching degree (yes, I dropped out of college to stay home with my kiddos) and get paid for it instead of teaching my own kids at home.

I have been a homemaker for over 18 years and I have never regretted the decision. I view life differently than most, I always look for the eternal value in all I do.

2 replies · active 633 weeks ago

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Carol · 633 weeks ago

I'm visiting from Titus 2sday and enjoyed reading your post and the comments. The Saturday/Sunday edition of the Wall Street Journal had an article titled Baby Bust. The article gave statistics regarding our declining fertility rate. The writer explained the profound effect that this has on our nation and our future. (I have referred to this article in my current blog post: http://carolvanderwoudern.com)

As a nurse I am concerned about the side effects and long-term health consequences of the multiple contraceptive pill that are freely available to young women. Many times young women are not fully informed.

Fertility and the miracle of life is a gift from God.

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amanda · 633 weeks ago

Great post, my mom stayed at home and raised five of us. I only have one child so far but have come to the realization how selfless and unselfish a person must be to commit to following what God has put us on Earth to do.

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Brit · 633 weeks ago

I just love this post and couldn't agree more. We recentely found out that we are expecting #4 in September. I will have 4 kids under 3 1/2. We have chosen to be open to God's will for our family and how many children we have. We got a lot of grief over this pregnancy (my youngest is 7 months).

Our (Christian) family memebers keep telling us we need to take a break, we shouldn't have them so close, this isn't the right time to get pregnant in our life and more. It's hard to hear all of these comments, but then I read post like yours and I'm encouraged. :)

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Monica · 633 weeks ago

I find this post interesting. When I was about 5 years old (give or take) I stopped playing with dolls because I didn't want to be a mother. I'm 26 and married and feel the same way now. I do not want nor do I feel called to be a mother right now. We could afford and raise children but neither my husband or feel it is right to do so now. I know if and when the time is right God will convict my husband and I, and we will know the time is right. I personally believe having children and the number of children is based on conviction.

2 replies · active 633 weeks ago

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Anonymous · 633 weeks ago

So I've sinned because my husband got a vasectomy after our 2nd was born?

1 reply · active 633 weeks ago

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Fran · 633 weeks ago

Lori, thanks for this post and boldly speaking the word of God. Certainly, there are exceptions to the biblical norm of women ministering primarily to their husbands and children, but I agree with you that the Lord calls married women to be mothers (if possible). Adoption is also an option that I see as biblical for couples who cannot have biological children, or even for couples who can if they feel this calling on their hearts. I was wondering what your feelings are about adoption?

I am also curious about something that you certainly don't have to answer, but since you frequently talk about your four children and use them as examples of adult children walking with the Lord, I was wondering if all of your children share your convictions on letting the Lord decide the size of their families? (I guess this would apply only to your married children and their spouses)

1 reply · active 633 weeks ago

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kaygarland 20p · 633 weeks ago

No kids, married 35 years. Lost one pregnancy, used little contraceptives over the years. Happy marriage--contemplated adoption, didn't bother, very happy with life. Could have been happy with kids, but neither cared enough to try very hard (adoption, fertility treatments, etc)
Don't feel less blessed than the quiverfuls.

1 reply · active 633 weeks ago

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Amy · 633 weeks ago

I want to preface my comment by saying that I am not at all offended by this post, and I think you have some good insight about the importance of children. I am so glad that there are Christian women who stand up for Biblical standards. But I would like to challenge you to reread what you wrote here as if you are an infertile woman. Imagine that you want a baby more than anything, that you have prayed faithfully for God to bless you, and that you have done everything in your power to become a mom. Imagine that month after month after month you see the crushing evidence that you have not conceived once again. Please try to read it from that perspective. Don't explain it away or break out of that thought to say that you didn't intend this for the infertile woman. I know that's not who you intended it for. Please, please just try to see your words from her point of view.

"God commands that we be fruitful and multiply. He tells us we are to be living sacrifices, denying ourselves and living for Him. He tells us children are a blessing and blessed is the man who has a quiverfull. He says the greatest of all is the servant of all.

Childbearing is obviously a big part of what we women were made for. We are even told in Scripture {I Timothy 2:15} that childbearing is part of our sanctification. Rejecting children is rejecting what God created us to do."

This is really hard to read through the lens of infertility. Please see my heart. I am not trying to nitpick; I know that you are not trying to make anyone feel bad that they haven't been blessed with children. It's just very difficult to be infertile in Christian circles, and these words only confirm to the infertile woman that she is "less than" the woman who is able to bear children.

1 reply · active 633 weeks ago

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Amy · 633 weeks ago

Lori, I'm not really sure what to say in response. The questions you are asking me are not at all in line with the intent of my comment. I would never imply that someone is not supposed to teach God's Word, and that was not at all what I was trying to say. I have dealt with infertility, and I know that God is in control. I trust completely in His sovereignty, and I believe He used this difficulty in my life to make me more like Him. I wish that I could sit down with you and really explain what's on my heart, because I can tell that you don't understand, and I'm not sure how to explain myself without being further misunderstood. I hope that you are able to be an encouragement in the lives of your loved ones who deal with the pain and discouragement of infertility.

5 replies · active 632 weeks ago

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The Provision Room · 633 weeks ago

I always feel like having children saved my life. Not being dramatic, but I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like--or even if I would have one!--if it wasn't for having children. It has changed me. I'm so grateful.

(Stopping over from the Wise Woman Link-Up!)

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Anon · 632 weeks ago

I am a married woman with no children. I became a Christian later in life. My husband and I are unable to conceive. Before I became a Christian, I would say "I didn't want children." But now....well, it's very hard for me. My husband and I have been together for 25 years. He and I have grown closer to God especially within the past couple of years. My husband is 52 and I am 42. Is it too late to adopt? I don't know if we have enough money to adopt? What other ways can I serve God?

2 replies · active 632 weeks ago

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Brit · 632 weeks ago

This post popped into my head today when my husband and I were discussing our choice to let God control our family size. This has been a hard choice because our Christian family (on both sides) do not agree with it.

At our prior church home before we moved there was a lady that was a real encouragement to me (She believes the same and has 11 children). After we found out we were expecting our 4th she sent me a very encouraging story about one of her friends that I wanted to share with you... I also had a question.

What is your thought on Christians using fertility drugs, treatments, tests?? Do you believe this is the same as taking the control away from God?

My friend has a friend that she has known for several years. They started having children at the same time (and held the same belief in leaving the control up to God). Her friend had 4 children in 3 years (like me). She said she was very overwhelmed and got a lot of grief when they found out they were expecting their 4th. They had faith that God wanted these 4 children in their life.

1 reply · active 632 weeks ago

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Brit · 632 weeks ago

Well, this family never again conceived another child, and they never did anything to prevent this. At first the space between children was welcomed, but later she longed for more children since she always imagined they would have a large family. She even considered getting testing done to figure out why they weren't having more children. They decided to trust God and never had more than their 4 kids. She raised her kids, they graduated and all moved out of the house. Soon after her kids moved out her and her husband were called to be missionaries across seas in a dangerous area (not a good place for children). They sold their house and everything they had, and they are currently serving overseas and are doing amazing things for God's kingdom.

She told my friend that she now sees the whole picture. If God would have blessed them with more children they couldn't be doing what they are doing now. God had a plan specifically for them years in advance and closed her womb at a young age.

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Brit · 632 weeks ago

This was very encouraging to me! We have not had to deal with infertility at all, but I have a sister who has had one child that is 4 and can not seem to get pregnant again. She is very discouraged that I keep having kids and she can't. God has a plan greater than we can see or even sometimes comprehend!

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gina · 632 weeks ago

So what about the countless women who never marry and have children? Do they never "find themselves" or fulfillment that God made them for? Don't get me wrong, I am a stay at home mom of 3 children, but God has taught me a lot about him in my journey of motherhood. My identity does not depend on my husband or how many children I have or don't have, or in my job or career inside or outside the home. My identity in is Christ. Being the women that could once " never have children" I have had to depend on Jesus and realize that if my husband and I couldn't have kids, that's ok, because Jesus is enough.

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Hannah · 632 weeks ago

This may sound argumentative, but I promise my question is genuine. (Some back story: I'm currently engaged, and my fiance and I have prayed about it and decided not to have kids, for various reasons, including health issues and the fact that I *do* believe I have been called to a career I love and find very fulfilling and meaningful.)

Reading your blog and the comments, the idea is apparently that even if I don't want kids, I should just choose to have them because it's what God said to do and trust and believe that I'll be happy about it someday and love them.

My question is this: does this apply to marriage as well? Say I am given an opportunity to be in a relationship with someone, and they are a good person and they love God and they love me, but I don't love them or maybe even like them very much... is the right thing to do to agree to marry them anyway because as a woman I'm supposed to get married and I trust and believe that I'll love them someday? What if I say no to them and then nobody else ever asks? Does this mean my choice to not marry someone I am not in love with was a sin?

That is what I feel like you are asking me and all women to do. If it isn't responsible or right to marry someone if I do not love them, how can it be responsible or right to *create* someone if I do not love them?

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Jay · 629 weeks ago

Nobody gets called to a career, that's like saying I've been called to be rich and stingy or selfish or something like that. We are called by God to life, the primary objective of this life is to prepare for the life to come. Jesus said "If you would be perfect, go sell all you possess and come follow me". Biblical and indeed true human freedom is the freedom to live for God. In as much as I cannot say "I was called by God to buy an expensive car so I need to have one or two kids; the car is to preach to people that if you pray you will prosper so I will be a living example". NO!!! We are never called to bondage, true freedom is to soar on the wings of grace to true life because the Glory of God is the human being fully alive! Since only God and those in Heaven are fully alive so also in this world we find life by clinging to Him who is life.

To each of us was given the gift of a mission that leads us and those near us to Heaven. Jesus says "I came that they may have life and have it in abundance", in John 17:17-19 He prays thus "...They do not belong to the world, as I, too, do not belong to the world; keep them holy, then, through the truth; it is thy word that is truth. Thou hast sent me into the world on thy errand, and I have sent them into the world on my errand; and I dedicate myself for their sakes, that they too may be dedicated through the truth." ... You are in the world but not of the world ... Why would Jesus say that??? Listen now to the devil tempting Jesus in Luke 4:6-7 "I will give thee command, the devil said to him, over all these, and the glory that belongs to them; they have been made over to me, and I may give them to whomsoever I please; come then, all shall be thine, if thou wilt fall down before me and worship" .... but could it be true that the world and its snares and lures belong to the devil? Listen to Jesus speaking about the devil to His disciples in John 16:11 "... About judging; he who rules this world has had sentence passed on him already ..." and to the Pharisees he said "You belong to your father, that is, the devil, and are eager to gratify the appetites which are your father’s. He, from the first, was a murderer; and as for truth, he has never taken his stand upon that; there is no truth in him. When he utters falsehood, he is only uttering what is natural to him; he is all false, and it was he who gave falsehood its birth."

The promise of a comfortable life in this world is a delusion to keep us blind to the our real call which is to work for the real treasure that is incorruptible. Does it mean then we are not to work and prosper here? Absolutely not! It means simply that we are to use our talents to achieve our goals in this world without losing our focus on the real goal of life. The talents we have a gift from God and we are not to sit on them; however, if we focus on them we will be like that person who amassed wealth and said to himself now I can sit, eat and be comfortable but was told he was to die that night ... what then was the point of the labor.

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sonia · 609 weeks ago

Dear Lori: I felt very blessed reading your blog everyday, God give me peace, a joyful using your post, thank you, !!!!!!!!!

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