Thursday, September 12, 2013

Married To A Repeat Cheater

Many men are trapped in porn.  It is an ugly, evil thing that destroys lives, marriages, and families.  The following words were written by an anonymous woman who has been living with a husband trapped in pornography's web for ten years.  Her words and testimony are powerful and I want to share them with you.

The world and even the church will offer up divorce as an option in the case of infidelity as excusable, even lawful.  But God's Word says He hates divorce.  Sometimes divorce is necessary, but God's plan is always about redemption.  ALWAYS.  It is an awful thing to see a broken mother in the face of a cheating, broken father.  But it is also remarkable for a child to see the love of God and forgiveness lived out every day between two imperfect people.

Getting the help you need can be really challenging, but it is ABSOLUTELY possible.  I've been advised to leave my husband and never return without his agreement to stiff penalties and impossible requirements.  That does NOT a marriage make.  Establishing trust in marriage is not just based on a list of arm-length trappings.  Accountability for the spouse is key.  Filtering software and even limiting software is HIGHLY recommended.  Serious counsel with those who dwell in God's Word is KEY.  Not just a pastor or counselor but someone who is keyed into the Holy Spirit.

While I do not want to be a doormat, at the same time, God revealed His will for my marriage to me:  In His Word.  I sought Him out daily, even hourly, and heard Him speak to my heart what He wanted me to do.  At the same time, I had many friends who lifted me up in prayer, without knowing all the details, and supported me through my decisions.  Even when they did not understand, they entrusted me into His hands and continue to lift me up in prayer to this day.

For me, the biggest challenge was entrusting my children to this situation under God's watchful eye.  I want to protect them and when I have been stressed out from the strain of infidelity and worry and grief, I have wounded them with my impatience and fear and anger.  I was worried about them suffering because of what their dad did, and my own wrestling sometimes caused them to suffer unfairly.  Learning to let my children go into God's hand has been key to allowing God to work in my marriage.  I cannot control their dad and I cannot control what his actions bring into our children's lives, but I can control MY response in this situation and can demonstrate trust in God and love for Him in my life.

At this time, my husband is in accountability relationships.  Our computers and his phone have filters and monitoring software.  I track our cell phone usage, including phone numbers and texting information.  I ask him about anything that is unusual.  I cannot control his thoughts.  I cannot control where he goes or who he talks to.  I cannot control his urges or inclinations.

I CAN pray for him.  I CAN pray for our marriage.  I CAN ask God to intervene and redeem what has been lost.  I CAN trust God's leading in my life and believe His direction, regardless of what others might say.

It is NOT easy being married to a repeat cheater.  It is not a burden I would like to continue to bear.  I want my husband to be faithful and my marriage to be God-focused and holy.

Pornography is UGLY.  It is destructive and it is a deceptive tool of an enemy who hates God and everything God has for us.  It is a slimy weapon that the enemy wields and holds so many captive.  But JESUS CHRIST has won the victory over sin, over everything that would hold us captive.  His redemption power can bring freedom and forgiveness and wholeness.  I firmly believe that this battle for marriage is fought best in the supernatural realm and praying Scripture over those caught in the web of pornography can battle in ways that nothing else can.

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, 
that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 
And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, 
we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.
I John 5:14,15