There was a post I was reading about husbands that were starving for sex from their wives. The first comment from a male was the most eye opening part of the whole post. I have published it in its entirety for you to read because I think it is very important for women to know how men think ~
I am a husband who endured a nearly sexless marriage for 15 years. I can relate to every husband whom you quoted. I wanted desperately to be intimate with my wife more often….but got the cold shoulder over and over again.
In the beginning, I just thought it was normal, but after a few years of marriage I began to realize that my need for sex and intimacy was not being met in a meaningful way. I tried to encourage an atmosphere of love. I did my best to meet all of her needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in a non sexual way to no avail.
I hinted and prodded…still nothing more than once a month at best. I was left feeling inadequate all the time. When we would have sex, I could not last very long because we had sex so little that the excitement was overwhelming when we would. So when we would have sex it would really only last for a minute or two and I would feel guilty.
Then it seemed that she wanted it less and less until at one point we were having sex maybe once every three months or longer. This drove me to look at soft porn and that of course led to more main stream porn. I hated it and I hated my wife for not being there for our marriage.
I wanted out but knew divorce was not God's way. I also knew porn was not God's way either. I felt trapped; caught in this endless spiral of no sex with the woman I loved and the horrible trap of porn.
Some time in our 15th year of marriage, I began scouring the Internet to find out what other Christians had to say about “Sex in Christian Marriage” and I was shocked to find many websites like yours talking about the very things I was feeling. This gave me a feeling that God was hearing my cries.
Every time I would look at porn I would be left feeling empty and I would pray for His forgiveness; all I wanted was a wife that desired me and wanted to have sex with me and be intimate. God met those prayers and slowly I gained confidence to confront my wife and encourage her to read some of these web sites. She did reluctantly.
I bought eBooks written by Christian authors that addressed these issues and when she would ask what I was reading, I would put the eBook on her iPhone for her to read. She slowly began to focus on what was going on and began to read the things I was reading.
God drew me to a place where I felt that I needed to confess my sin of porn to her and at that moment, she realized what she had been doing all along. The road from that moment has not been perfect, but it has been a road of healing. Healing takes time and can only be done by God.
Today our marriage is much different. Sex occurs multiple times a week and our relationship has strengthened through God's Love. I would encourage all who are suffering in a sexless or near sexless marriage to put in the effort to bring about change. You may find it was the best thing you ever did.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I Corinthians 7:5
Logging you in...
Dianna Ortiz · 690 weeks ago
Tiffany · 690 weeks ago
I think all women should know and understand that it's okay (and wonderful!) to be a Christian, a wife, and have a rocking hot sex life! :) I think if that were the case - more women would want to have sex with their husbands more often.
Just speaking from experience! I am blessed to have a great relationship with my husband in this area. It enriches our marriage more than almost anything else!
AMY · 690 weeks ago
jenny · 690 weeks ago
Jenny
Nicole · 690 weeks ago
Nicole
Angel · 690 weeks ago
But, in all honesty, this problem is not always sided this way. There are many, many women out there who would love to have an intimate relationship with their husbands, and the husbands are the ones who do not want, or turn them down, or avoid it all together. It's not the norm, but you would be surprised at how many marriages there are like that.
brittanygrim 24p · 690 weeks ago
Things have been A LOT better, but now that my husband opened a business it has affected it again because simply don't see each other everyday. I don't see him at all 4 days a week or so, so I'm trying to do better at taking advantage of the time we do have together.
brittanygrim 24p · 690 weeks ago
I want to raise my daughter to be pure when they get married, but do you think we're harming them by never really talking about it before they get married??? I have years before my children will be old enough for this discussion, but what's the right age? How much detail do you go into? Do you explain that a lot of women don't just have the "desire" for sex but once they say start they usually enjoy it? Do you explain how men work to your daughter and vise versa?
Sorry, obivoulsy no one ever talked about it around it. It was just something I knew was sacred for marriage. period.
Deborah Jones · 690 weeks ago
Joluise · 690 weeks ago
Greg · 690 weeks ago
A friend recommended this book to me a year ago which I read with a bit of skepticism. However, I am finding it to be curiously accurate in regards to the neurochemistry and physiology behind intimacy and committed relationships. I know it sounds a bit clinical and maybe out of sync with this post, but it isn't - not at all.
The book is called 'Cupid's Poisoned Arrow'. It is not as scientific as it tries to be, but I have found it to be remarkable and worth reading and understanding, if nothing else.
I have included a link below which is chapter one of the book. I have nothing to gain from this book financially and the link is not viral.
http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/CH1.rev.pd...
If that link doesn't load the PDF, then go to the page it is on and download chapter one off that page:
http://www.reuniting.info/cupids_poisoned_arrow
Ameriah Sink · 689 weeks ago
tbg · 686 weeks ago
Sam · 663 weeks ago
I've been playing the 'good' husband for over 20 years.
The worse it is the more I pretend - fake it until you make it stuff - the more it feels like a lie.
The worst point was when I fell in love with a friend and had to cut off the friendship for the marriage.
It isn't like we haven't done years of therapy and it isn't because she is mean.
She just doesn't feel like it for a million reasons, maybe the biggest feeling guilty about not being interested. In the meantime I can't sleep. I'm so tired....
but at what point does personal integrity and self respect enter the
Kev · 612 weeks ago
anon · 518 weeks ago
I am trapped in a sex-starved marriage. The irony of this is that my wife loves me, but doesn’t have a clue about the damage she has caused in me and our marriage for over twenty years. She thinks that she is doing well. She loves me. She cooks meals and washes my clothes. We have children, and for the most part, all is well. But the marriage and relationship could be so much better. Most of the time, I tolerate the relationship and exist in it. But I wish I could reach a state of numbness and feel nothing because the emotional hurt is real and painful.
I should be grateful for my wife, and I am for the things she does. But she keeps me starved and craving for physical intimacy. She says I am asking too much of her. She says she doesn’t like the feeling of being used. So, our physical intimacy is enjoyed three or four times every six months. Currently, we are going on two months of abstinence. We have gone abstinent for as long as a year. All I can do is ask. The answer is up to her. I am stuck having to cope with the rejection.
I try to make every intimate moment we have as meaningful and enjoyable for her as I can. I want her to look forward to the next time. But all my attempts have been in vain.
Reaching out to touch my wife is reaching out to love and to be loved. It is an invitation to love each other. A desire to share intimacy. A desire to be loved. A desire for the passion to be wanted and to give. When my wife says ‘no’, she is telling me that she does not care about me. She ignores my pleas, and neglects my need for her love.
Beyond physical.
Physical intimacy is a deep sense of love, a blending of two lives in love uniting and bonding together. The experience of love in physical intimacy transcends the physical pleasure. I literally feel the blending of two souls into one. I love my wife, but she has reduced to me a humiliated, rejected man struggling daily with resentment and bitterness. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be friendly and outgoing, but I am emotionally and mentally crushed. My wife is not being malicious. She is clueless. And no amount of explanation for over twenty years seems to get through to her. And the occasional adjustments made to be more understanding is good for no more than two close encounters. Then things go back to starvation mode. Physical intimacy means nothing to her and everything to me.
From my perspective, physical pleasure without the loving relationship of passion for each other is short-lived and fleeting. It is great for a release, like scratching an itch. But it is nothing compared to the soul blending intimacy of two people loving each other. My wife does not get this, and so she starves me. For me, our relationship is reduced to tolerating each other rather than being intimate. It is such a shame to have lived a life that could have been so much more joyful and fulfilling but has not been and is not because I live with a clueless wife, a wife of ‘no.’
Most people want to love and to be blessed by being loved. This is what makes being around children so much fun. They love unconditionally and respond to being loved. But nothing can compare to the love between a husband and wife who love each other and enjoy expressing love as well as receiving love from one another.
Unfortunately, for me, and I suspect for many other men, my wife loves me as she defines love and ignores my pleas and explanations. She remains clueless to this day, and I continue in my daily struggle with resentment and bitterness. I am not loved. I am neglected. And yet she does love me and expresses that love as it pleases her. So, am I really loved or neglected? I am grateful for what she does, but I hate her for being so cruel. Is it possible to be cruel without being intentionally malicious? Intentional or not, I am starved for an intimate relationship with my wife, and my bitterness, hurt, and anger are real regardless of her intention.
anon · 518 weeks ago
The cycle of rejection
Rejection is an intimacy killer. I desire to love my wife, my best friend, my companion; to love and be loved is in my heart. The desire to unite soul to soul is the height of love expressed between a husband and wife. The rejection of that desire cuts deep into my soul.
Rejecting requests for physical intimacy is much, much more than rejecting physical intimacy. It is rejecting the request to nurture the soul intimacy of a marital relationship. A wife who does not understand this does not understand the damage she is inflicting in her husband and on her marriage. She is being cruel to the man she thinks she is being loving to.
Hurt
Rejection is hurtful. But rejecting the physical intimacy that is intended for marriage is a pain in the soul that hurts like no other pain. This is a rejection to love and to be loved. This is a discounting of the value of intimacy in the relationship. It is a disregard to nurture the marriage relationship. It is a disregard for the husband’s desire and need to love his wife. A wife of ‘no’ is a source of deep, deep hurt.
Perhaps a clueless wife who has children can relate to the feeling of being rejected by her child. How does a mother feel when her child rejects her? All the mother wants to know is that her child loves her. It means so much to her to be loved by her children. So, what does she feel when her children reject her and disregard her love?
Humiliation
I crave for physical intimacy with my wife, but she refuses to love me. I am reduced to begging and pleading with her. But ‘no’ is her answer. Of course, there are many ways to say ‘no’. Not tonight, maybe tomorrow, I’m too tired, I have too many things on my mind, etc. So, then I lay there night after night humiliated by the control she has over me and infuriated by the lack of compassion she has for me.
I do not want to beg. It is humiliating to ask to be loved. And it is hard to feel loved when it is given only after having begged for it. And waiting to be loved is futile because she will never initiate physical intimacy. So then, I am tormented by the need to humiliate myself again to ask for her love knowing that more than likely she will say no, but the alternative is to accept abstinence in marriage. I don’t want to ask again and risk rejection, but I don’t want to accept abstinence. What a miserable position to be in. Only my wife can resolve this problem, but she is clueless. She fails to comprehend the significance of physical intimacy to our marriage and the damage she is causing in me. She makes me beg for intimacy, but then she rejects my requests. This is cruel torment is not conducive to a healthy, loving marital relationship.
I can try to please and tease, suggest, all day long, all week long, all month long all to no avail. Humiliated by the rejection of my most ardent and amorous attempts, I suffer in a bed of no. Not because of malicious intent by my wife, but because she is clueless. The damage however is none the less real and devastating.
Anger
The rejection and the broken promises of tonight or tomorrow make me cringe. I can’t stand to hear those words, “tonight” or in the “morning.” She should just say no! It is so much easier to take no, than to anticipate the promise of being together only to be denied again. Those words anger me. She is a liar, and it tears me apart. I know she doesn’t mean it because she will be too tired, or have to many other things on her mind, etc. I wait anyway, and she does nothing. Should I beg again, or will she come through as promised? Odds are she is once again too tired or wants to sleep in or she has to feed the cat. How can she be so clueless about the destruction she is inflicting on our relationship? How can I be a happy husband when I am so angry about being chronically rejected and humiliated day after day? There is no physical intimacy unless I ask, but I always have to endure the cycle of rejection and emotional torment before she says yes. It is a cruelty that angers me to no end.
anon · 518 weeks ago
Bitterness
Bitterness is unresolved hurt and anger. And a clueless wife does not understand that she alone must resolve the problem of her sex-starved marriage. She fails to see herself as the cause of her husband’s pent up anger and resentment. She can’t understand why her husband is so often emotionally distant and angry. So, because she is clueless, her husband must bear the burden of coping with on-going rejection and denial. The problem of a sex-starved husband remains unresolved, because a relationship takes two to make a decision. And the ‘no’ always has power over the ‘yes’. Only my wife can resolve this dilemma, but she doesn’t. She hasn’t for over twenty years. And the unresolved dilemma results in bitterness, and the love I had for my wife is diminished. What love remains is not passionate. And when physical intimacy is allowed, it is for me not for her. I will take what I can get. Though I try to love her, I must cope with my hate for her, my clueless wife of ‘no’.
Withdrawal
When communication fails to help the clueless wife understand how to love her husband, another recourse is required. I have tried denying her of conversation. If that is what she wants, perhaps depriving her of talk will show her what rejection feels like. I tried this, but of course, this too failed. Instead, she blames me for being uncaring and cruel to her.
Retaliation is not what I want in my life. I am not that kind of person. But what can I do? If nothing else, I must withdraw from my wife emotionally to protect myself. She is hurting me over and over again. I am trapped in a sexless marriage and required to be a faithful husband while enduring celibacy most of the time. What a cursed marriage. And all the while, as a suffering and frustrated husband, I must try to be civil, decent, and loving. Not for her sake, but for mine. I do not want to be an uncivil bad man. I am better than that. The position she puts me in has been the biggest challenge of my life.
Communication and attention is what she requires, but she doesn’t listen to my plea to be loved. She dismisses my begging as a nuisance. It is not important to her, so we don’t. And I am a miserable husband trapped in marriage to a wife of ‘no’ forced to deal with the mixed feelings of resentment and bitterness while trying to a nice guy.
My wife wants attention. But how can I look attentively at my wife of ‘no’. She denies me love and refuses to nurture our relationship beyond what is important to her. She ignores my pleas and my need for love. I am forced to fight hateful, vengeful thoughts toward her. But she is being so cruel to me. How can a wife be so clueless?
I am emotionally crushed and withdrawn. I have made my request known, and now I wait. Waiting only because the cycle of rejection is repeating itself, and I don’t want to beg and be humiliated again by her rejection. I am despondent. This is not the person I want to be. But I am trapped in a marriage with a wife of ‘no’.
I have become a person who is withdrawn not only to my wife, but to other people as well. The happiness I do share and express is always tempered by the internal presence of unhappiness in my marriage. I am stuck with a wife of ‘no.’ I am not the person I want to be. I cannot be free to express my feelings. I have to always be guarded or I will say hateful things. And so I am reserved as a person and not as warm and personable as I know I could be.
anon · 518 weeks ago
My wife is clueless about the devastation she is inflicting on me and on our marriage. And my withdrawal and moodiness becomes another reason to say no. She blames me for being an angry person, withdrawn, unkind, uncaring. I am in a catch 22. This is something she would laugh about if she could comprehend it, but I am not laughing. I am squirming with emotional pain tortured by rejection and humiliation. She is heartless because she is clueless. She is oblivious to the fact that she is the cause of my struggles, my moods and my actions. I have explained it many times, but she is still clueless. I hate myself for not being stronger to overcome my anger and bitterness, but I so desperately want to be loved by a woman who wants to love me and be loved.
She acts genuinely surprised that we have not been physically intimate for four months. Is she a liar or that uncaring? She is married, I am her husband, I depend on her as she does on me. And yet, she ignores my pleas and dismisses my explanations.
Lying in bed, she talks. She even leans her head on my arm. That is all the affection she needs. To ask for permission to be intimate will annoy her and stress her. And why should I ask again after repeated rejections leading up to this point? The struggle between asking and the fear of being rejected again is frustrating. I dare not ask because I know the answer. I already asked last week, and she said no. She knows what I want and have been waiting for all week, or does she? How many times must I ask? It has been years of the same thing over and over again. How can she be so clueless? I am crushed to the depth of my soul. I am angry that I fear asking. I am angry that she is so clueless. So, I jump out of bed. I can’t stand it any longer. At this point, it takes weeks before I can repeat my request. Years of compounded anger and frustration must be dealt with at this point with every ‘no’.
But she never initiates physical intimacy. So, it is up to me. But then there is the sigh and the rolling of the eyes. There is the excuse just like all the other times given for over twenty years. The outcome is predicable. Its only been five weeks. We have at least two more to go before she might say yes. I am cursed with a clueless wife of ‘no.’
I could easily walk away from this relationship without blinking an eye. I am nearly dead emotionally. Leaving the torture of a clueless wife of ‘no’ would be a relief. But the emotional cost and sorrow that would come from divorce and hurt children would only make my pain worse not better. And physical intimacy twice a year is better than none at all.
I am constantly fighting thoughts of anger, resentment, and bitterness. I am plagued with guilt about adulterous thoughts and resisting porn. I desire to be fully devoted to one wife. I enjoy the thought of liberty in intimacy and devotion to one woman. But I suffer from so much resentment because she will not allow it. I am angry because there is no benign outlet. I am hurt because of rejection. I am bitter because I am trapped.
Nothing I have tried has resolved my dilemma. I did resign myself to accept abstinence, to be celibate though married. The rejections are so painful that abstinence was an option. I withdrew emotionally to protect myself from the torture of being next to a woman of ‘no’. I went to bed late and woke up early. We lived in the same house, but I made her a stranger as much as possible. I tried to be decent and dutiful as a husband but always kept my distance. It was the curse I had to live with. But after a year of this, divorce was brought up. The relationship was broken and miserable. My will to continue was broken, and I no longer cared about anything. That emotional withdrawal was very damaging. Even to this day, I am not the same. I am not the person I know I could be and want to be. But it did bring my wife to a heart-felt conversation about the problem again. Predictably, she returned to cluelessness after a couple of months.
anon · 518 weeks ago
At this point, my wife will never hear me say I love her again. Even during the occasional moments of intimacy that might occur, I will not tell her I love her because I hate her. And the moments of close encounters are for me not for her. I take what I can get. Admittedly, I do love her but not enough to override my hate for all the misery she subjects me to. I am infuriated by her cluelessness and rejection.
I refuse to allow her to ruin my life, but I recognize, I am not what I could be and want to be. And she is not loved as she could be. Our marriage has no passion and the relationship is just above tolerable for me. She is married to a man harboring resentment, misery, and hate. I love her, but she has made this marriage impossible to be a good marriage. It takes two to make a marriage good. And she chooses to say ‘no’.
Yes! Finally. Now repeat.
I crave her, but she rejects me. I would do anything for her, but she refuses to let me love her. And she refuses to love me in a way that will strengthen our relationship and make our marriage better. She is clueless. Over time, my passionate devotion to her ceased. In fact, I hate her. And this makes me feel bad. I love her, but she tortured me to the brink of emotional breakdown. And she has no clue.
Guilt
I feel guilty because I do not want to hate my wife. But I hate the feeling of being rejected. I hate being trapped in a sex-starved marriage with a clueless wife. I am a husband who is forced to endure sexual abstinence most of the time.
To ask and beg for her love makes me feel guilty because I know she does not want to be loved that way. It means nothing to her. So when she does give in, I don’t feel loved. I have coerced her to do something that is not important to her. It is an imposition. It is a nuisance that she endures. And she lets me know that she is doing me a favor. Sometimes I feel like I am raping her. This is not love. This is not the kind of person I am. I want to love someone who loves me. I want to please someone who wants to please me. But I am stuck with a clueless wife of ‘no’.
Self loathing
I hate myself for not being stronger to overcome this miserable state of abstinence in marriage. I want to love and be loved, but my wife will not be a part of this love. She refuses. She resists. She ignores. She deprives. And all the while, she is clueless to her cruelty. She is clueless about the damage she is causing to me and our marriage.
I hint, I suggest, I ask, I beg, and I plead, but the answer is predictable… No. Granted the excuses vary. I am having my period, I’m tired, there are things to do, I’d rather not, I’m hungry, tomorrow is better, I’m busy reading, I’m not in the mood, its too late, its too early. Regardless of the excuse, the bottom line is ‘no.’ The promise of tonight or tomorrow morning never happens. Promises are never kept. Plans are forgotten. And the excuse cycle starts over.
anon · 518 weeks ago
Hate
I have to beg. Where is love in a relationship when a husband has to beg his wife to love him? By the time my wife says ‘yes’, it is not about love anymore. It is desperation, mixed with pent up resentment, bitterness, anger, and hate. And yet, I am so grateful for the moment but already dreading the next cycle of rejection and humiliation, begging and pleading. I am cursed in a sex-starved marriage.
By the time a ‘yes’ is achieved, it is more about conquest and taking than accepting and receiving. This is not love. But it is the only path offered by a wife of ‘no’. It is a cruel misery to be trapped in a marriage with a wife of ‘no.’
Response
A wife of ‘no’ may be clueless about what she is doing to her husband and marriage, but the damage is the same as if she were being malicious. The hurt and pain of rejection and humiliation and the bitterness of unresolved anger still inflict a cruel toll on her husband whether she is intentionally cruel or not.
Recovering from a sex-starved marriage requires saying ‘yes’ more often. But more importantly, a rejected husband needs to be reassured that his wife really does love him. You can do this by initiating a love cycle of ‘yes’ and bringing an end to the rejection cycle. After years of rejection, I struggle to ask my wife. More than twenty years of rejection and denials has taken a toll on me. More than twenty years of rejection and resentment are triggered each time I am rejected. I wait for her to respond, and of course, day after day and month after month nothing comes of it, so I must cope with the feelings of rejection and loss over and over again.
To heal the wounds of rejection, there must be a salve of acceptance. Bring an end to the pleading and begging. There is no love when it gets to that point. But recovering from the emotional damage of rejection already done requires removing the fear and risk of having to ask again. You already know the question. So, give a positive answer. If you must say ‘no’, initiate intimacy as soon a you can. Don’t make him ask again. Don’t make him wait for days and weeks. And answer the question in action not in word. Don’t make promises. Just do it. Avoid making promises for what you plan to do. A history of broken promises only causes more torment and aggravation. Do what you intend to promise.
Knowing my wife, my situation is more likely than not a hopelessly irresolvable misery that I will live with for the rest of my life. But writing about it has made me feel better. And I feel good thinking that my story just might help at least one couple avoid the misery of the cycle of rejection. It might even help at least one couple recover from the cycle of rejection. I take hope in that thought. Wives, please don’t let your husband end up like me.
Ken · 518 weeks ago
I can’t help but first mention the connection between an intimacy starved husband and our relationship with God who we far too often starve of intimacy. I wonder sometimes how often many of us, me included , went through many years of drought in our marriage because God wanted us to see what it was like for Him when we regularly neglect Christ’s approaches to us. No time for church, no time for Bible reading, no time to spend carrying Him foremost throughout our day. So now we know a little of what it is like to be rejected, and not fully loved.
There are but a few possible points of view for a spouse who regularly neglects the other spouse’s needs for physical intimacy: 1) They are ignorant of the damage that it does to a relationship and how it keeps the other spouse on edge, dissatisfied and feeling rejected; 2) They are selfish, knowing how unfair it is to withhold themselves physically from their spouse, and for some crazy reason want the control or satisfaction it brings them to parcel out sex as if it was a drug locked behind a pharmacy counter; 3) They have some sort of psychological or emotional issues with sex, which is unfortunate and needs counseling to help resolve it; 4) They feel justified in their behavior and thinking because they believe their spouse is not being kind, gentle or loving.
I suggest you begin with going to your spouse with a sincere apology and tell her that you must have done something terribly wrong in your marriage for her to want to withhold sex much of the time. Ask her what you need to do differently to be able to have a more normal sexual relationship of 6-8 times a month. Ask her what behaviors and attitudes it might take for her to someday actual desire you in return. To have her initiate sex a couple times a month because she truly loves the fact that you love and adore her, and even more, she wants to please you.
Lori and find it ALWAYS best to have the offended spouse first look into their own lives and behaviors and ask the question, “What am I doing wrong?” What did “I” do to get our marriage to this point and what will it take for me to change to please my spouse in such a way that they will in turn desire to please me? Healing begins with looking in the mirror and away from the sins of another to introspectively get my life and attitudes straight first.
Yes, I can sense your response will be that I did not “get it” as you proved your point that it is really all your wife’s fault. Trust me, I do get and I have been there in many ways trying so hard to get my wife to see clearly that we could not have the intimate marriage we both desired unless she made some radical changes in her thinking and behaviors. But I also discovered that I had to lead her on the journey by practicing exactly what I needed her to do in her life. By modeling what love looks like, what pleasing one another looks like, and accepting whatever blame she wanted to throw at me and fixing it. You see, when your wife wakes up and realizes that you have done everything you can to win her, she will have no choice but to decide to change, or tell you she has some secret pains that keep her from enjoying sex, or conclude “I am very selfish.”
So my friend, if you want to win at the game of relationships, begin at the beginning with you confessing your sins to her, and please do not tell her that you have a “love-hate” relationship with her. You can tell her that you need forgiveness for your anger, for the way you explode when she says “no”, for many things you may have done which are unloving. As such behavior is unjustified. One action or behavior, no matter how unkind, never justifies another’s bad behavior. We must all own our own behavior.
Ken · 518 weeks ago
Now that you have earned the right to speak by behaving and reacting in love, begin to kindly question your wife in the quiet alone moments. I began to walk with my wife 30-40 minutes a day and this became a time to discuss our differences. Don’t say, “I have done that 100 times,” as it took me 101 discussions, emails and letters, not to get more sex, but to try and move my wife away from her bad thinking to what the Lord was calling her to do and be in our relationship. To have her understand what it means to be truly connected as one in intimacy. Ultimately it was not my efforts alone that helped her see correctly, but another godly woman who spoke the truth clearly to her. Buy her “Created to Be His Helpmeet,” by Debbie Pearl. Be a part of the solution, and become much more patient even when she fails again, knowing some day you will win her over, if she truly can love at all.
Think about it for a moment. You sound completely committed to staying with your wife and loving her, even if a part of her is unlovable. So why not change your perspective and take it on as a challenge to love your wife into a truly intimate relationship. To coach her to a point where she can meet your needs with perhaps a compromise, at first, but with hopes that someday her intimacy will be willingly, joyfully and fully given. That you will win her by showing her that her behavior does not match the values she aspires to in life, and that her character demands more of an effort on her part to explore with her husband what it means to have a truly fulfilling intimate life together.
You can contact me through Lori’s email address if you would like additional coaching. If you and your wife are Believers in Christ you have far more basis to ask her to obey the Lord Jesus by not withholding her body from you, as her body belongs to you, not just herself. If she needs counseling, get it for her, and if she needs tough love, show it kindly and generously by expressing a reasonable request for sex 4-6 times a month. It does not have to be everything you want from the experience to be a great place to start. Once into such a routine your wife may find that “this is really easy to please my man by giving him 7-15 minutes every other day, if that will please him. Use kind humor, to make your points, not cutting remarks, and don’t let her off the hook by giving up on her. Keep making reasonable requests, and when she turns you down, say with a smile, “OK then when?” Get a commitment for another time and work on the physical side before expecting a truly intimate response of actual desire from her. Many women rarely desire sex, and if this is the case, suggest she sees the doctor to make sure everything is OK.
It would be great if people would just do the right thing because they know they are supposed to. If your wife is not, then for her sake and yours, keep moving the relationship forward by always being Christian to her while still making it clear that you will not accept “no” forever. If she wants a real marriage with you she has to do the basics in this area of physical intimacy. Decide what the healthy basics are, or get counseling together to expose the lies and replace them with the truth. Most of all seek God on this matter and pour out your pain to him, seeking His help and comfort. It may be He is calling you to give Him the intimacy He desires with the heart of His child walking hand and hand with Him and His truth.
Isabelle · 495 weeks ago
Why do you add to the Biblical truth ? It is very dangerous and subtle.
The Bibel says that a wife has NO RIGHT over her own body , that she has NO AUTHORITY over her body at all , but her husband does ( it goes both ways).
So , how can a wife withold sex since she has no power over her body ?
If the husband is the one who has power over her body (and she has NONE) , he just has to come and drink from her cistern (his wife's body) whenever he is thirsty .proverbs 5
That is what the BIBLE says , not you , not me.
So , why don't you tell the ENTIRE truth ?
Saying that her body belongs to her husband , not "just" to her is a lie . Just one word added and you get closer to the devil.
trekfan · 444 weeks ago