Always Learning: She Gets The Beauty Of Biblical Submission

Thursday, September 5, 2013

She Gets The Beauty Of Biblical Submission

In my post Are Most Men Pigs When It Comes To Sex?, I write about most men's desire to have sex on vacation. Candi's comment caught my eye. Once your heart has been softened to God's way of living, things become so clear all of a sudden. You understand what biblical submission looks like and you realize the beauty of it. God only creates beauty and the world wants to make it look like something ugly.

Here are her words exactly since I thought she did a great job explaining the beauty of submission, even when it comes to having sex on vacation ~

Well, in a situation like this {where one spouse wants more sex than the other}, someone HAS to make the final decision. Either the spouse who wants sex {by the way, it is NOT always the man who wants it when the wife doesn't} gets it or they don't. So, mutual respect is all fine and good, but who gets the final say? We still have to come to a decision.

God solved that dilemma by commanding us wives to obey our husbands - discussion over. But we can TOTALLY circumnavigate the entire crisis by DECIDING to want what he wants. Yes, you absolutely can decide to change what you want and what makes you happy.

We do it all the time for our children, our parents, our friends. For their sake's we go to events we don't really want to, we eat foods we don't like, we put up with interruptions gladly because we cherish them more than we do ourselves. Why not for the ONLY human being on earth that we have been made into ONE with?

I PROMISE you, if you truly do not want sex, but you want to bring joy and fulfillment to him more than anything else, you will be blessed. Forget about your cold, or headache, or lack of sleep {just like you would if your child needed you, or your mom stopped by, or your best friend called and needed to talk}. Invest 20-30 selfless minutes into your marriage and your husband, and know that you stand to gain as much or more out of the whole sex experience as he does {physically and emotionally} if you will just look at it the right way!

But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

Matthew 23:11

Comments (15)

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Christina · 603 weeks ago

Yes, this is the heart of submission! People like to make excuses to disobey or assert their *rights*. Protecting your rights seems to be a pretty popular idol.

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mvstephenson 44p · 603 weeks ago

I agree 100%!!

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Kristie · 603 weeks ago

I completely agree with this, but I did want to add that there were times in the past where having sex would have caused me to stay up half the night feeling terrible with insomnia. (because I was having some health issues.) (If it was before 8:30 or so it was fine) Because I was having health issues, my husband respected this when I explained it. I just didn't want the moms out there who were truly exhausted to have guilt when they read this. Of course I did try to make an effort to make sure we had time together at other times!

I do think we can change what we want though. This post made some very important points!

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Another Lori · 603 weeks ago

Wow...this is something I believe but is still a battle when the times comes. What a great reminder that if I can do for so many others I can certainly do for the one I love the most.

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Faun · 603 weeks ago

If you are feeling sick, exhausted or have a headache and your husband still insists upon having sex, you have a bigger problem than "submission" is going to cure.

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Allyson · 603 weeks ago

We have a mutual agreement in our home that if both partners are not in the mood to make love, then we don't do it. A man who truly loves and respects his wife (and the Bible commands him to respect his wife) will not lord over her and decide to do something she doesn't want. i realize there are situations such as a decision about a job, or home purchases, BIG decisions that someone has to have the final say and the man should. But when it comes to anything that has to do with love and respect, he should do just that: respect her feelings. That being said, I can't think of one time in the last six years that I genuinely didn't want to make love to my husband when he wanted to do so with me. If you are truly in love with someone, unless you are sick, you should WANT to be with them in that way!

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Victoria Wojtowicz · 603 weeks ago

Pretty amazing wisdom in that comment for sure! Thanks:)! P.S. still praying for you and your family and the situation with your health. Xo

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Anastacia · 603 weeks ago

Lori--I don't mean to be crass or insensitive, but I am wondering how/if you are still able to have sex with Ken whenever he wants, even while your health is so fragile. I am asking because I am having some health issues and I am "uncomfortable" being at my husband's every beck and call. Do you, or Ken, have any words of wisdom for this season of my life?

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Candi · 603 weeks ago

Lori, that was beautiful what Ken said about using intimacy to minister to you! I remember, very fondly, my husband 'comforting' me after my uncle died ( I was so very close to him). He stopped short early on and wanted to know if he was being inappropriate. I told him no. It reminded me of when Isaac was comforted by Rachel after his mother's death. He said, "That's what I was thinking!" :)

Just as the title of your blog says, I am "always learning". There is no greater drive in my life than to be the best wife for my husband that I can. I fall short - often. I stick my foot in my mouth - daily. I chide myself for what I could have done better. But, the times that I HAVE gotten it right, was when I simply loved him enough to submit. It's not a slavish oppression. It is my most supreme expression of love for an imperfect son of Adam who really isn't such a bad guy if I will just let up on him a little.

Ever since reading this quote, I believe with all my heart that my ultimate purpose in life is to make him happy - period.

"God called you not to make your husband good, but to make him happy." ~ Ruth Graham

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Ken · 603 weeks ago

I will take this question Anastacia... and hope my kids are not reading... :)

Lori has been sick going on and off for 25 years now. There probably have been more days in our 33years of marriage she has not felt 90% than days she has felt well. I think because of her almost constant pain she has determined to live life to its fullest, which includes pleasing her man as best she can.

I can share with you that there have been many many times we have been intimate that I am just amazed that she has been so willing. It's not that great to have sex with a woman experiencing 7 out of 10 in pain, but there are times I have given Lori sex, not for my own needs, but to distract her from her pain and to make things pleasurable for her. Oxytocin is a powerful pain killer produced in the brain during intimacy and may help headaches more than stomach aches.

The bottom line is this. In all the years I have been married to Lori we have both enjoyed a very active and fun sex life and the only time I ever felt deprived by her was in the early years of our marriage when she chose to be in control and she was healthy. The last 10-15 years I would say that Lori has been heroic, not just in intimacy with me, but in her whole outlook and behavior as to how she has handled herself so that Ken and the family is not miserable, just because is.

I am married to a great wife, and I know when she can or cannot be intimate. If she can't be Intimate I do not insist upon it. If I ask and she says, "maybe in the morning," I give her a hug and say goodnight with understanding.

If you are "uncomfortable" with being at your man's beck and call you may need some good communications with him to either clarify that you are in pain or not feeling well, or you may need to rethink if your health issues should be stopping your intimacy. Chronic illness is no fun, but only you can decide if it will stop you from living life to its fullest for you and your spouse. His job is to be sensitive to your needs and yours to go beyond comfortable.

I think Lori at times goes beyond miserable leaves me astonished "with her mind over matter." I do not expect that from anyone as I couldn't do it.

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Louise · 603 weeks ago

I just wanted to share a few random comments. This is one of my very favorite blogs. I would never call my husband a pig for any reason. I thought Ken's comment above was very good. However, I thought it was interesting he mentioned about hoping the kids weren't reading it. That was kind of the point of the whole other post about vacation. Maybe he mentioned it "tongue-in-cheek"? I would never have relations in front of another man. That's what we would be doing b/c our son is almost 20 years old. So there are many different things to consider. I also want to thank you for such a wonderful blog.

2 replies · active 603 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 603 weeks ago

It was tongue-in-cheek and it is always awkward, no matter how old the children are to talk to them about mom and dad being intimate!

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Louise · 603 weeks ago

:)

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Stephanie · 601 weeks ago

I love that I found this site. It is hard in my area to find women that have the same feelings and beliefs that I do towards marriage. They don't understand my willingness to do my best to make him happy no matter how I may feel at the moment. I mean, if he wakes up with a cold he still goes to work that morning because he is doing his best to provide for us. So why should I use being sick as an excuse not to hold up my end? So very glad that I have found this community of like minded people!

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TMJ · 588 weeks ago

We need to be careful with this one. The scriptures are very clear. To say the husband has final say on matters of sex is not what the bible says. It is fair to say that whoever has the greater sex drive determines the frequency. Generally that is the husband but not always. The reason for not depriving is so that sin not enter the relationship. To have or not have sex is to be something agreed upon by both (do not deprive yourselves except by agreement). It would be unwise to turn the interested spouse away for we are told it may cause them to sin. The wife's body is not her own, the husbands body is not his own.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5, which says:
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV)
The scriptures are clear, if your husband wants sex do it. If the wife wants sex do it. Exception, when you mutually agree to abstain.

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