There are many women who write me who are very upset with their husbands and even want out of their marriage. The past ten years since I have been mentoring women, it always begins with them telling me how rotten their husbands are to them. Recently, a young woman wanted to be mentored by me through email. She was even willing to pay me!
{No, I never accept money.}
{No, I never accept money.}
She told me that her husband was so mean that she wanted out.
She has small children. I wrote her a list of these questions ~
She has small children. I wrote her a list of these questions ~
Do you really respect him as your leader and authority?
Do you try to fight him?
Is he allowed to correct you without you getting upset?
Are you warm and loving to him?
Do you prepare meals he likes, keep the home like he likes it,
and try to please him?
and try to please him?
Do you smile at him often?
Are you in the Word daily, feasting upon His Word?
Are you filling your mind with only good things or things of this world?
Some of them she was good at but the truly important ones like not arguing with him, getting upset when he corrected her, smiling at him, being in the Word and filling her mind with only good things, she wasn't so good. After honestly responding to these questions, she ended with this comment, "After answering these questions, I can kind of see where my own weaknesses are."
We are good at trying to pick the mote out of our brother's eye without seeing the beam in our own. Am I perfect at fulfilling these questions? NO, but I no longer try to get the mote out of Ken's eye, because I am too busy getting the beam out of my eye!
We can only anticipate God's blessings and help when we first put the responsibility of changing our marriage on our self. God's principle of "you reap what you sow" is alive and well even in our marriages. So let's model for our husbands all the things we want in return from them, especially obedience to God's Word as opposed to being judge and jury towards them. Trust me on this, you will be much happier when you focus on what you need to improve on in yourself, instead of looking at your husband's weaknesses. Instead, focus on his strengths and respect him for them.
Therefore, women, if you'd like me or anyone else to mentor you because you have a difficult husband, ask yourself these questions first. Then, when you come to me for counsel, you will be WAY ahead of the game!
Therefore, women, if you'd like me or anyone else to mentor you because you have a difficult husband, ask yourself these questions first. Then, when you come to me for counsel, you will be WAY ahead of the game!
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye;
and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote
out of thy brother's eye.
Matthew 7:5
Logging you in...
Melissa M. · 535 weeks ago
Tam · 535 weeks ago
Tamara · 535 weeks ago
Just curious...
Lori Alexander 122p · 535 weeks ago
I also sat my oldest one down and told her all the things I had done wrong in my marriage. Have your daughter read my blog! Model to her these things. This is the most powerful thing you can do, Tamara, besides pray!
Tamara · 535 weeks ago
Megan · 535 weeks ago
And he is more passive. She makes her demands of him and he helps out because he loves her. But its not an easy thing to watch. But it also forces me to keep a check on my behaviour toward my husband. We continue to meet with them monthly and we are trying to mentor them. The scary part is that she mentors other women! Whatever she is telling them is nothiwmg like your message Lori. And yes,they are christians.
Happy new year to you and yours! :-)
Lori Alexander 122p · 535 weeks ago
Patt · 535 weeks ago
I don't have any reason to try to fight him. We both aim to cooperate and be cooperative whenever possible.
He is "allowed" to correct me if he chooses to, presuming that he has my best interests at heart -- but, obviously I have ordinary human emotions and might find that sort of thing upsetting. My husband has requested that I not conceal my emotional state from him. He says he prefers to actually understand the various effects of his words and actions on me.
Yes, I am warm and loving to him.
When I cook, I prepare foods that are within the preferences of everyone who eats them. Occasionally some meals fall flat, or are more preferred by other family members and only OK with him. On other occasions, the opposite is true. Mostly, we are all happy. However, I think we would all be happier with more detailed housekeeping. Too bad there aren't two of me... or two of him! There's plenty of cutting each other slack going on in our marriage. Generally I try to please him. When he is easily pleased, I also try to go above and beyond.
Yes, I smile at him often.
Yes, I read the Bible and pray on an mostly-daily basis.
I fill my mind with plenty of good things, including a variety of things that are merely pleasant, or things that are food for thought.
... But then, I don't have a "difficult" husband, and I'm quite satisfied with my marriage. I'm sure many of your readers are in a different position.
Ken · 535 weeks ago
There is a lot more than just the Greek metaphor "head" that shows that a husband is to be the leader of Christian marriage, and the greatest weight for this is in the many submission passages for the marriage given to wives and not to husbands. Also, various leadership positions are spoken of in various passages on submission, members to elders, employees to employers, the church to Christ, and such twisting of leadership to have it not include authority would render the passages unintelligible. What could God mean if submit to authority was not in mind for members to elders, and wives to husbands especially in light of this verse?:
"Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you." (Hebrews 13:17)
So we are to submit to an elder who we have made no vows or marriage relationship with, but a wife is not to submit to her husband, when both roles are asked of us?
Leadership by a husband can take on many forms, and a more quiet silent type can do greater leadership by modeling correct behaviors, or by setting quietly spoken standards in the home, than a raw leader type who tries to lead by command, but finds his follower unwilling to follow a style few would enjoy. God clearly has called husbands to lead, and if you are a wife that requires little leadership, that is great for you both. Ideally mature Christian wives need very leadership and mature Christian husbands are doing what every good boss does with productive employees, and that is getting out of their way so they can get their role done. But always ready when leadership may be required.
To keep the record straight, many of our readers have great Christian marriages precisely because they follow a Biblical model. They follow the model not just because it works, but because it is honoring to God by obeying His will and design for marriage. The blog is a teaching blog, so it's purpose is not to praise the great marriages, but to address the weaknesses Lori sees in far too many marriages. It allows those who desire a Biblical model to be taught what it looks like and how it should be lived out by the couple, and allows each couple to decide what will be most God honoring for their marriage. No one size fits all, but if you hear it on this blog, it has strong biblical support.
Happy New Year!
mvstephenson 44p · 535 weeks ago
mvstephenson 44p · 535 weeks ago
This, I really feel, summarizes your's (and the Pearl's) entire message on marriage! No one is perfect but instead of trying to change our husbands so much we need to focus on what we CAN change, ourselves! Thank you so much for your ministry Lori!